It’s not always easy to tell if you’re being manipulated by other people, whether it’s a family member, your partner or a friend and it’s even more difficult to acknowledge that this is happening. There are all different ways that people can manipulate you, some of them quite sneaky, but if you’re feeling bad about a lot of the decisions you make or feel consistently tired and anxious, it might well be because you feel other people are in charge of your life.
In some cases it can be fairly harmless like someone pretending to cry so that they get their own way, but at other times, this sort of manipulation can end up with you feeling very low and doubting yourself. This is because if someone else is manipulating you, it’s a form of control and although you may have certain ideas and feelings about something, the other person will try to pressurise you into changing your mind and feeling the same as them.
Using guilt is one way of emotionally manipulating someone, saying things like “you wouldn’t go out with your friends so much if you really loved me” or “you’d provide a better home for us if you really cared”. These sort of comments are very hard to deal with and can eat away at our self-confidence.
Bullying is another example of this, for instance where you’re called names or asked questions along the lines of “what on earth made decide to wear that? It’s not the best choice for this occasion” or “Don’t be stupid. We can’t do that”. In other words, things that can drag you down.
Constant criticism is another form of manipulation and bullying – if someone rarely praises you and always finds fault, it is easy to start doubting the decisions that you make.
Someone who’s passive-aggressive can be harder to spot – who hasn’t known people who say things like “I’m not going to make any decisions today – you decide where we’ll go and what we’ll do” and then, an hour later starts moaning about the journey, activity or something else that you’ve chosen. Even worse, they sulk about it and you find yourself trying to work out what’s wrong but they refuse to tell you!
Gaslighting is something I’ve written about before and it’s very insidious; if you’re constantly being told that you’re stupid, crazy or imagining things, it’s easy to start doubting what you’re doing.
Freezing someone out or giving them the cold shoulder is a very common manipulation – this, along with refusing to show affection, are difficult to deal with and it’s a strong person who decides to let the other person get on with that and do their own thing instead.
Someone showering you with gifts, compliments and affection can also be a way of manipulating someone because once that’s been established, the giver feels that they have more control over the recipient, who often feels grateful and doesn’t want to refuse any requests made of them.
If someone plays ‘the hero’ in a relationship or friendship, they often start saying things like “you only have all these things because of me” or “you only got that job because of my influence”. Again, you are supposed to feel grateful to them for being your ‘saviour’.
So what can you do to stop this continuing and protect yourself against this sort of manipulation and control?
The first thing is to recognise what’s happening and after that, you can start to put down boundaries, rather than being a people-pleaser. One important part of this is that boundaries don’t need to be justified or defended by you.
We’re talking about respecting people’s privacy and needs and sometimes a simple “No” followed by “That isn’t going to work for me” or “I don’t feel comfortable sharing that at the moment” is all that’s needed. The hardest thing is putting it into practice, but practice is exactly what’s needed for you to start being in charge of your life again.
Creating distance is a huge part of this too – try to create some space physically as well as emotionally, to gain perspective on what’s going on. This might mean taking a weekend away or going to a weekly yoga, meditation or pilates session – anything to help you take a step back as things might look very different then and you’ll be able to recognise what’s happening.
Make use of your support system, talking to friends or family and telling them how you feel – but of course, not confiding in the person or people who are trying to manipulate you. You may find that whoever you confide in has already noticed some red flags where your relationship or friendships are concerned and will be able to give their honest opinion and help you recognise what’s going on.
Knowing when something’s over, whether that’s your relationship with a partner or your family or within a friendship, is the key to making changes, along with listening to your inner voice and no longer suppressing your instincts and feelings.
If you recognise from the above that you’re being manipulated, I hope that this blog has helped you along the journey of disentangling yourself and learning to live in a new way without the fear of always doing something ‘wrong’.
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