Living through the last few years has highlighted how we live and work as well as throwing up a lot of financial challenges. One thing that has hit a lot of us more than usual is a feeling of loneliness, even more acute than it might have been before Covid-19.                                  Some people choose to be alone and can live very happily without a lot of contact with other people.

But loneliness can hit most of us sometimes, whether you’re young and feeling cut-off from your friends, in your middle years and lonely in your relationship, or an older person who’s lost their partner.                                                                                                                          Even if you have lots of friends or come from a big family, it’s still possible to feel real loneliness.                                                                                                                                   It can have many different causes and affects all of us in different ways. Certain lifestyles and the stresses of life today can make people socially isolated and more vulnerable to loneliness. It can also have a big impact on your mental health, contributing to anxiety, stress and depression.                                                                                                                               Not feeling part of the world in which you live is part of a vicious circle where you then stop trying to maintain friendships and then feel excluded.                                                               Certain situations might also make you feel lonelier – if you have a relationship break-up or someone close to you dies, you can feel lonely within yourself for a long time. When you’re part of an ethnic group with few community networks or you’re a single parent finding it hard to go out, you can feel lonelier than ever before.                                                                     People try different ways to avoid this inner loneliness including spending a lot of time socialising and thereby not having time to ponder on it too much, or they develop a dependency on drugs or alcohol to escape these feelings.                                                        So, how can you combat these feeling of loneliness? For some people it’s about making more social contact with other people, either friends or family. If you’re feeling ‘low’ this can take a lot of effort but if you don’t do so then you’re likely to end up more lonely and isolated than ever.

Take small steps at first:

• go for a short walk in the fresh air and try to say ‘hello’ if you see anyone from your road or who looks familiar to you.
• text someone in your family, just to see how they are.
• Now that restrictions are lifting (at the time of writing) if you’re in a group of people, try to make a few comments, even though it seems easier to keep quiet and let everyone else talk.
• try having a short talk with the cashier when you pay for goods in the shop. Even a little social contact helps a bit!
• if you have children, maybe you could make conversation with one or two other parents once school re-starts.

Another way of making connections with people is through shared interests, values or experiences. If something interests you, whether that’s walking, watching films or going camping, there will be other people who feel the same. There is usually information about local clubs or groups in the library or you can look online and these groups will hopefully re-start again soon..

If, despite doing your best, you don’t manage to achieve the social contact you’d like, it may be worth learning how to feel more comfortable in your own company. This can be rewarding if you focus on the pleasure it gives you. Having time to reflect and think can be positive.

Trying yoga or pilates can help to achieve a peace that frenetic socialising can’t.  Getting a dog or cat is another way to alleviate loneliness, especially as they’re usually pleased to see you when you arrive home! Writing a journal helps to look at how you’re feeling and seeing your thoughts on paper can help you to look at how you might be able to improve things.

You can see my blogs as soon as they are published (usually on Wednesdays) by pressing the ‘follow’ button and you can share them with your friends. You can also find me on LinkedIn, Instagram (samebutdifferent) and read my FB posts every week at Same But Different. I’m now on TikTok too – look for Same But Different #samebutdifferent #relationships # issues #bloggerforever #lovewriting #livingchange #makeitcount #canidothis #canyoudothis #ukblogger #femaleblogger #irishblogger

Is there such a thing? Can you really be too nice?

I was talking about this with a friend recently and we agreed that sometimes being nice can be a disadvantage, even if you have good intentions. 

Being nice has its advantages … in counselling terms it’s called ‘helper’s high’ because feel-good endorphins are released in the brain when we help other people. 

However, it can also be detrimental to our own health if we put others first most of the time. Maybe there’s a high price to pay…

Constantly putting other people’s needs before our own can lead to exhaustion and burnout. Also, there’s a chance that we’ll become resentful if others start taking advantage and expect favours without returning them.

As well as people possibly taking advantage of us, niceness makes some people feel uncomfortable, mainly because they feel wary and wonder if we have another agenda. 

Part of being nice can be the result of conditioning, maybe from childhood or societal expectations but whatever the reasons, think about reclaiming boundaries by not always agreeing to help out. 

You don’t have to say a blunt “no” though; try “I’ve got a lot on right now. Let me think about it” or “I’m at full capacity right now. Maybe someone else could help this time”.

That way, you can still help out but not all the time and people will start respecting your boundaries. 

You can see my blogs as soon as they are published (usually on Wednesdays) by pressing the ‘follow’ button and you can share them with your friends. You can also find me on LinkedIn, Instagram (samebutdifferent) and read my FB posts every week at Same But Different. I’m now on TikTok too – look for Same But Different #samebutdifferent #relationships # issues #bloggerforever #lovewriting #livingchange #makeitcount #canidothis #canyoudothis #ukblogger #femaleblogger #irishblogger

In this blog, ‘relationship’ doesn’t necessarily mean marriage or living together – you might have been dating someone for a long time but have been feeling for a while that it’s not working well. It may well be that you’re scared of finishing it because you don’t want to hurt them or because you know they might react with anger.

Sometimes it’s frightening to make a change because a lot of things in your life would be the Same But Different.

Here are a few things to think about before you make the decision to end it:

• You no longer have fun together – relationships are supposed to fun, at least some of the time, and if your days have become dull and you can’t seem to retrieve the happiness you once shared, maybe it’s time to think why this is.
• You realise that you have different values – when the way that you want to live your life differs wildly from the way they see things and no amount of compromise and negotiation has helped, it’s time to decide whether this is what you want in the future.
• Your partner has become like a stranger to you  even though you have a shared history and remember the feelings and memories you once had, that’s no longer the case – you feel like that was someone else.
• You just can’t see a future with them; if you can no longer see that you’ll be together in years to come, it brings about the question why that is. If you don’t want to envisage long-term plans with this person, maybe it’s time to finish it.
• You don’t trust them any longer – if your relationship is built on constant questioning about their motives and actions, why is there such distrust? It might be that they’ve let you down before, that a previous partner cheated or that your own self-esteem is low that you don’t trust anyone.  Whichever way it is, it’s not adding up to a long-term relationship.
• You daydream about a life with someone else (perhaps anyone else) – this isn’t the same as fantasizing about someone on television. It’s about the persistent daydreaming, half-seriously, about someone that you could imagine spending a lot more time with. It could be someone that you work with or a person who goes to the same supermarket on Friday evenings. If you find yourself going down this route on a frequent basis, maybe you’ve already given up on the relationship you have.

Breaking up is hard – there’s often a lot of shared history there and you may well have become close to your partner’s family too. Sometimes people manage to remain friends after a break but it’s often harder to remain close with their families too (and maybe you don’t want to anyway!). People, especially families, tend to take sides and there will be some fall-out if you decide to separate.

Maybe this has made you think about your relationship and whether you really want to split up or you’re just going through a difficult time.

If you are finding relationship issues difficult at the moment, counselling can help by looking at all the thoughts and feelings involved – you can find a local counsellor/psychotherapist by looking at the Counselling Directory and keying in your postcode or town.  You’ll probably find that although a counsellor won’t advise you as such, you’ll have the space to talk about all your feelings and that in itself will help you to come to a decision of some kind.

You can see my blogs as soon as they are published (usually on Wednesdays) by pressing the ‘follow’ button and you can share them with your friends. You can also find me on LinkedIn, Instagram (samebutdifferent) and read my FB posts every week at Same But Different. I’m now on TikTok too – look for Same But Different #samebutdifferent #relationships # issues #bloggerforever #lovewriting #livingchange #makeitcount #canidothis #canyoudothis #ukblogger #femaleblogger #irishblogger

The problem is, if you’ve experienced betrayal in a relationship, or you saw one of your parents or friends betrayed, it’s often difficult to trust someone again. Of course, it’s important to go with that gut feeling about someone, but after a betrayal it’s often hard to read the differences between gut feelings and something that feels a bit ‘off’. In an effort to protect ourselves we’re often on guard, looking at things in the worst possible light. We imagine lots of worst-case scenarios which can continue until they’re disproven We can drive ourselves crazy with all the unknowns and not knowing the truth. Does that sound familiar?

The fear of being hurt again and experiencing all the sinking feelings, sadness and upset is often very frightening. If you’re still in the relationship where your partner hurt or betrayed you, risking everything again and healing old wounds can seem impossible. Betrayal doesn’t just mean about love either; it could be that your partner got into debt and didn’t tell you, that they gambled or drank joint incomes away or spoke about you to their family behind your back.

The first step to building or re-building trust is to acknowledge that your fears are very real. However, try to challenge negativity by looking at the hard facts now, rather than what has gone before.

Don’t let panic take over. Try to have a mature conversation where you talk about what is triggering those feelings and what actions specifically build up and erode trust. For instance, if your partner disappears without telling you where they’re going, it’s easy for your mind to race and to become suspicious about their whereabouts (another man/woman, online gambling or drinking in secret).

State your boundaries and be clear about how you’d like things to proceed now. For trust to be rebuilt, the person who broke that trust must start committing to transparency by telling you where they’re going and whom they’re seeing.

If this is a new relationship, the conversation is still relevant as you explain that you need them to follow through on promises made and that them being reliable is very important to you. It’s important to be consistent in what you’re saying, and stick to these boundaries.

The healing comes from taking things step by step, allowing yourself to be vulnerable and acknowledging positive and new experiences as and when they happen. There are going to be ups and downs and sometimes it will seem as if you’re taking two steps forward and one step back but even that’s progress, even though you’d probably prefer it to be quicker.

If, after trying all of the above, you’re still struggling, it’s time to consider accessing therapy to look at your feelings of betrayal and how you might overcome them with the help of a qualified counsellor.

You can see my blogs as soon as they are published (usually on Wednesdays) by pressing the ‘follow’ button and you can share them with your friends. You can also find me on LinkedIn, Instagram (samebutdifferent) and read my FB posts #canyoudothis #ukblogger #femaleblogger #irishblogger #insecurity #loneliness #mentalhealth #behaviour patterns

This happens to a lot of people – their partner is still friendly with his/her ex. Some people are fine with this but others hate it and see it as a threat. What do you think about it?

It’s natural to assume something is going on if your partner is still friends with their ex (or exes) but try to bear in mind that a lot of people find it a perfectly healthy situation, especially as a lot of breakups are filled with drama so staying friendly can be seen as a bit of an achievement.

However, not all such friendships are healthy, especially if some feelings are unresolved and one person hopes there’s a chance that they’ll get back together.

In general (and this might not apply to you and your partner) it’s okay if:

• Both of them have clear boundaries – for instance, they don’t keep texting one another every day or expect the other one to change plans for them.
• They share a lot of mutual friends and there’s a good chance that everyone will meet up and some point.
• Your partner and their ex actually started out as friends anyway – It’s often easier to go back to being friends then.
• They have children together – being on friendly terms is better for everyone concerned, but particularly for the children.
• They work together – it’s better if they’re on friendly terms when they’re working and it might be impossible for them to avoid one another in the working environment, besides which, it’s difficult for other colleagues if there’s an ongoing atmosphere.
• If they broke up years ago and have redefined their relationship so that they can meet up as two people who get on well but have no desire to get back together.

But what if it’s not like that? For instance, it’s not okay if:

• Your partner turns to their ex if he/she is having a hard time with you. It’s unhealthy and disloyal because turning to their ex can become a habit – one which you probably don’t want to encourage!
• Their ex is having a hard time letting go or moving on. That’s not healthy for anyone involved.
• Your partner and their ex don’t include you – in that case, trust your gut instinct and speak up about it. They may say that it’s alright and call you ‘jealous’ or ‘paranoid’, but if you feel that something’s going on behind your back, it’s putting a strain on your own relationship.
• If their relationship was unhealthy anyway, staying in touch as friends can prove to be quite toxic for everyone concerned.
• Their ex isn’t happy about the relationship you now have with him/her. Maybe they’ve said nasty things about you and shown a lack of respect, in which case it’s not healthy for your partner to remain in contact.

So maybe it’s fine for people to be on friendly terms with their ex, but it’s easy to cross the line, so if something is making you feel uncomfortable, speak up and be honest about your feelings. Communication between you and your partner is the key to your relationship becoming stronger and more committed as time goes on.

You can see my blogs as soon as they are published (usually on Wednesdays) by pressing the ‘follow’ button and you can share them with your friends. You can also find me on LinkedIn, Instagram (samebutdifferent) and read my FB posts every week at Same But Different. I’m now on TikTok too – look for Same But Different #samebutdifferent #relationships # issues #bloggerforever #lovewriting #livingchange #makeitcount #canidothis #canyoudothis #ukblogger #femaleblogger #irishblogger