In this blog, ‘relationship’ doesn’t necessarily mean marriage or living together – you might have been dating someone for a long time but have been feeling for a while that it’s not working well. It may well be that you’re scared of finishing it because you don’t want to hurt them or because you know they might react with anger.

Sometimes it’s frightening to make a change because a lot of things in your life would be the Same But Different.

Here are a few things to think about before you make the decision to end it:

• You no longer have fun together – relationships are supposed to fun, at least some of the time, and if your days have become dull and you can’t seem to retrieve the happiness you once shared, maybe it’s time to think why this is.
• You realise that you have different values – when the way that you want to live your life differs wildly from the way they see things and no amount of compromise and negotiation has helped, it’s time to decide whether this is what you want in the future.
• Your partner has become like a stranger to you  even though you have a shared history and remember the feelings and memories you once had, that’s no longer the case – you feel like that was someone else.
• You just can’t see a future with them; if you can no longer see that you’ll be together in years to come, it brings about the question why that is. If you don’t want to envisage long-term plans with this person, maybe it’s time to finish it.
• You don’t trust them any longer – if your relationship is built on constant questioning about their motives and actions, why is there such distrust? It might be that they’ve let you down before, that a previous partner cheated or that your own self-esteem is low that you don’t trust anyone.  Whichever way it is, it’s not adding up to a long-term relationship.
• You daydream about a life with someone else (perhaps anyone else) – this isn’t the same as fantasizing about someone on television. It’s about the persistent daydreaming, half-seriously, about someone that you could imagine spending a lot more time with. It could be someone that you work with or a person who goes to the same supermarket on Friday evenings. If you find yourself going down this route on a frequent basis, maybe you’ve already given up on the relationship you have.

Breaking up is hard – there’s often a lot of shared history there and you may well have become close to your partner’s family too. Sometimes people manage to remain friends after a break but it’s often harder to remain close with their families too (and maybe you don’t want to anyway!). People, especially families, tend to take sides and there will be some fall-out if you decide to separate.

Maybe this has made you think about your relationship and whether you really want to split up or you’re just going through a difficult time.

If you are finding relationship issues difficult at the moment, counselling can help by looking at all the thoughts and feelings involved – you can find a local counsellor/psychotherapist by looking at the Counselling Directory and keying in your postcode or town.  You’ll probably find that although a counsellor won’t advise you as such, you’ll have the space to talk about all your feelings and that in itself will help you to come to a decision of some kind.

You can see my blogs as soon as they are published (usually on Wednesdays) by pressing the ‘follow’ button and you can share them with your friends. You can also find me on LinkedIn, Instagram (samebutdifferent) and read my FB posts every week at Same But Different. I’m now on TikTok too – look for Same But Different #samebutdifferent #relationships # issues #bloggerforever #lovewriting #livingchange #makeitcount #canidothis #canyoudothis #ukblogger #femaleblogger #irishblogger

The problem is, if you’ve experienced betrayal in a relationship, or you saw one of your parents or friends betrayed, it’s often difficult to trust someone again. Of course, it’s important to go with that gut feeling about someone, but after a betrayal it’s often hard to read the differences between gut feelings and something that feels a bit ‘off’. In an effort to protect ourselves we’re often on guard, looking at things in the worst possible light. We imagine lots of worst-case scenarios which can continue until they’re disproven We can drive ourselves crazy with all the unknowns and not knowing the truth. Does that sound familiar?

The fear of being hurt again and experiencing all the sinking feelings, sadness and upset is often very frightening. If you’re still in the relationship where your partner hurt or betrayed you, risking everything again and healing old wounds can seem impossible. Betrayal doesn’t just mean about love either; it could be that your partner got into debt and didn’t tell you, that they gambled or drank joint incomes away or spoke about you to their family behind your back.

The first step to building or re-building trust is to acknowledge that your fears are very real. However, try to challenge negativity by looking at the hard facts now, rather than what has gone before.

Don’t let panic take over. Try to have a mature conversation where you talk about what is triggering those feelings and what actions specifically build up and erode trust. For instance, if your partner disappears without telling you where they’re going, it’s easy for your mind to race and to become suspicious about their whereabouts (another man/woman, online gambling or drinking in secret).

State your boundaries and be clear about how you’d like things to proceed now. For trust to be rebuilt, the person who broke that trust must start committing to transparency by telling you where they’re going and whom they’re seeing.

If this is a new relationship, the conversation is still relevant as you explain that you need them to follow through on promises made and that them being reliable is very important to you. It’s important to be consistent in what you’re saying, and stick to these boundaries.

The healing comes from taking things step by step, allowing yourself to be vulnerable and acknowledging positive and new experiences as and when they happen. There are going to be ups and downs and sometimes it will seem as if you’re taking two steps forward and one step back but even that’s progress, even though you’d probably prefer it to be quicker.

If, after trying all of the above, you’re still struggling, it’s time to consider accessing therapy to look at your feelings of betrayal and how you might overcome them with the help of a qualified counsellor.

You can see my blogs as soon as they are published (usually on Wednesdays) by pressing the ‘follow’ button and you can share them with your friends. You can also find me on LinkedIn, Instagram (samebutdifferent) and read my FB posts #canyoudothis #ukblogger #femaleblogger #irishblogger #insecurity #loneliness #mentalhealth #behaviour patterns

This happens to a lot of people – their partner is still friendly with his/her ex. Some people are fine with this but others hate it and see it as a threat. What do you think about it?

It’s natural to assume something is going on if your partner is still friends with their ex (or exes) but try to bear in mind that a lot of people find it a perfectly healthy situation, especially as a lot of breakups are filled with drama so staying friendly can be seen as a bit of an achievement.

However, not all such friendships are healthy, especially if some feelings are unresolved and one person hopes there’s a chance that they’ll get back together.

In general (and this might not apply to you and your partner) it’s okay if:

• Both of them have clear boundaries – for instance, they don’t keep texting one another every day or expect the other one to change plans for them.
• They share a lot of mutual friends and there’s a good chance that everyone will meet up and some point.
• Your partner and their ex actually started out as friends anyway – It’s often easier to go back to being friends then.
• They have children together – being on friendly terms is better for everyone concerned, but particularly for the children.
• They work together – it’s better if they’re on friendly terms when they’re working and it might be impossible for them to avoid one another in the working environment, besides which, it’s difficult for other colleagues if there’s an ongoing atmosphere.
• If they broke up years ago and have redefined their relationship so that they can meet up as two people who get on well but have no desire to get back together.

But what if it’s not like that? For instance, it’s not okay if:

• Your partner turns to their ex if he/she is having a hard time with you. It’s unhealthy and disloyal because turning to their ex can become a habit – one which you probably don’t want to encourage!
• Their ex is having a hard time letting go or moving on. That’s not healthy for anyone involved.
• Your partner and their ex don’t include you – in that case, trust your gut instinct and speak up about it. They may say that it’s alright and call you ‘jealous’ or ‘paranoid’, but if you feel that something’s going on behind your back, it’s putting a strain on your own relationship.
• If their relationship was unhealthy anyway, staying in touch as friends can prove to be quite toxic for everyone concerned.
• Their ex isn’t happy about the relationship you now have with him/her. Maybe they’ve said nasty things about you and shown a lack of respect, in which case it’s not healthy for your partner to remain in contact.

So maybe it’s fine for people to be on friendly terms with their ex, but it’s easy to cross the line, so if something is making you feel uncomfortable, speak up and be honest about your feelings. Communication between you and your partner is the key to your relationship becoming stronger and more committed as time goes on.

You can see my blogs as soon as they are published (usually on Wednesdays) by pressing the ‘follow’ button and you can share them with your friends. You can also find me on LinkedIn, Instagram (samebutdifferent) and read my FB posts every week at Same But Different. I’m now on TikTok too – look for Same But Different #samebutdifferent #relationships # issues #bloggerforever #lovewriting #livingchange #makeitcount #canidothis #canyoudothis #ukblogger #femaleblogger #irishblogger

Bullied by your own family – it sounds almost impossible, doesn’t it?

However, sadly, this happens a lot in families whether it’s a partner or someone in your birth family. This can be a parent, sibling or other family member and it’s often difficult to detect as well as accept that this is happening. Don’t think that only men can be bullies – women can be just as adept at this! One of the worst parts of it is that these people often say how much they love you.

A bully in the family often encourages and manipulates other family members into acting in a certain way whilst fostering a negative view of the target in the minds of other family members, neighbours and friends – it’s achieved by undermining, creating doubts and suspicions and sharing false concerns. Sounds familiar?

The bully may try to establish an exclusive relationship, often based on apparent trust and confidence, with one family member so that they, the bully, are seen as the only really reliable source of information. This can be done by very clever means, perhaps by portraying the target as unstable, uncaring, undependable and untrustworthy. The object of this is to manipulate the family member’s perceptions so that the bully is seen as an honourable person with others’ best interests at heart. If challenged, the bully pretends to be the victim and makes sure that they are seen as the entirely plausible one, turning the focus on themselves to be the centre of attention.

Sounds frightening? It is! The psychological damage done can be very undermining but because there is no physical violence, there are no outward signs, at least at first. Most commonly, there is verbal and emotional abuse including nit-picking, constant fault-finding and criticism but usually when the bully and victim are alone. When other people are present, the bully is often ‘sweetness and light’, leaving others feeling that the bully is a lovely person.

Why does this happen? There are lots of theories including the bully suffering low self-esteem and using tactics to make themselves feel better, having control over other people – again to help them feel more positive about themselves and competitiveness within the family (always wanting to be thought of as better than a sibling).

A lot of people aren’t aware that they’re being bullied within their family, especially if the bullies are their parents and this has been going on since childhood, so it seems normal. Sometimes a sibling can take over from one of the parents and start the scapegoating again. Some signs that you or someone close to you is being bullied are:

• The bully puts you down, either when you’re alone or in front of others.
• They criticise you under the guise of helping you.
• They call you names like ‘useless’ or ‘stupid’.
• They tell you how to spend your money.
• They keep score of what they’ve done for you so that they can then say that they’ve done so much for you and either you’re not reciprocating or you’re a disappointment to them.
• They ask you constant questions about yourself, your life and how you live it.
• If you complain about their behaviour, they say that you’re “too sensitive” and “take things to heart too much”.
• They can be silently angry with you and refuse to talk about problems, using silence as a punishment (passive-aggressive). Another tactic is to say that they’re too busy to talk if you try to discuss a particular issue with them – even if they initiated the subject! Once it gets a bit difficult for them, they’ll try to terminate the conversation.

If you’ve ever suffered this as a child, it can have an even bigger effect than it might have done and the bully probably realises this, which is why they use that tactic. Their silence is a way to manipulate you so that you ask what the problem is and try to change something in your life to please them so that they will speak to you again.

So what can you do to deal with this?

• The first thing is to try to talk to the person/people concerned – they may not realise that what they’re doing is actually bullying. Tell them how it makes you feel and then ask them to stop – if they insist that they’re not doing anything wrong and that you’re being ridiculous/neurotic/over-sensitive at least you will have tried to bring it out into the open and make changes even though the other person isn’t willing to change.
• The next thing you can do is to set boundaries with the family member whether that is one of your parents, a sibling or a partner. When asked about attending a family party, if you don’t want to stay for most of the day tell everyone that you’re only going to stay for a couple of hours. If someone in the family wants you to do something for them and it’s not convenient, say so with something along the lines of “I wish that I could do that but it’s just not possible this time”. There will be some sort of backlash because you’re refusing to be controlled any longer, but try to remember that your needs and desires are as important as anyone else’s.
• If someone criticises your parenting style, you can say “I’m bringing the children up according to my values. I’m sorry if you don’t like it but that’s what I’m going to do”.  There is no need to get into an argument about it; just state the facts.
• Remove yourself from the situation temporarily – you don’t have to stay around to be criticised. During the break, try to step away emotionally as well so that you can see more clearly what’s going on.
• Keep calm and as unemotional as possible when dealing with a bully – that is your best resistance.
• Find support elsewhere so that you’re not so dependent on that person or people – once you’re doing other things with friends, you won’t need the bully so much.

If you feel you’re suffering from being bullied within your family or relationship, working on your self-esteem can really help you to cope. Try reading about bullying, look at online forums and try counselling, which can really help you to overcome the unhappiness of being bullied.

You can see my blogs as soon as they are published (usually on Wednesdays) by pressing the ‘follow’ button and you can share them with your friends. You can also find me on LinkedIn, Instagram (samebutdifferent) and read my FB posts every week at Same But Different. I’m now on TikTok too – look for Same But Different #samebutdifferent #relationships # issues #bloggerforever #lovewriting #livingchange #makeitcount #canidothis #canyoudothis #ukblogger #femaleblogger #irishblogger

As a counsellor and psychotherapist, bottling up your emotions is not something I’d usually recommend although it certainly seems to work for some people! However, a lot of people often talk about their private issues with a friend, helping them to sort out their feelings about things and people so they’re not bottling them up completely, which is healthier than keeping everything inside.

Because, for a lot of people, talking about their feelings within relationships (whether that’s with a partner, family member or friend) is necessary so that resentments don’t build up and so that they can interact in a healthy way.

So, how to go about creating this emotional intimacy?

First of all, think about what or who has disappointed you, how it’s impacted on you and how you feel. It’s alright to say that you’re not sure about how you feel, that you’re confused and have mixed emotions.

If you’re struggling with talking about deep topics, ask yourself why this is. Maybe it taps into fears of being abandoned or rejected but if one person consistently avoids deeper subjects, anger can escalate or, the other extreme, one person shuts down their underlying emotions to try to keep the peace.

But, it’s the deep emotions that often keep a meaningful connection and it also stops ongoing negative patterns where communication is concerned.

So, how to start? Well, first of all, don’t say “we need to talk” which can make the other person feel like a five-year old, but instead say “I need to talk”. That shows that you know what you’re going to say is subjective. Following on from that, speak ‘adult to adult’ rather than parent to child. If you feel that you’re getting into a parental role with the other person, who will feel as if they’re being ‘told off’, make a conscious effort to get back to a place where you’re communicating as equals.

Remember, the person you’re interacting doesn’t exist to satisfy your every emotional need. Although your feelings are important, the other person has a right to feel differently and have their own feelings. Sometimes, ultimately you may have to agree to differ, even if that’s very frustrating.

Be patient with each other – differences often mean that you’re both experiencing things differently.

Lastly, don’t underestimate non-verbal communication. A light touch on the arm or a kiss on the cheek shows the other person that ultimately you’re thinking of them in a kind and loving way.

Hopefully you’ve found this interesting and, if so, you can see my blogs as soon as they are published (usually on Wednesdays) by pressing the ‘follow’ button and you can share them with your friends. You can also find me on LinkedIn, Instagram (samebutdifferent) and read my FB posts every week at Same But Different. I’m now on TikTok too – look for Same But Different #samebutdifferent #relationships # issues #bloggerforever #lovewriting #livingchange #makeitcount #canidothis #canyoudothis #ukblogger #femaleblogger #irishblogger