Category Archives: Loneliness

It’s Healthy To Talk

Below is the link to a blog that I wrote last month, which was published by my professional body, the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (BACP).

The publication was over four weeks ago, but I’ve only just received the link for publication on my website. This particular blog is about men’s mental health as that was the requirement for June 2021.

I hope that you find it interesting:

https://www.bacp.co.uk/news/news-from-bacp/blogs/2021/14-june-its-healthy-to-talk/

Talking is part of taking care of ourselves

Why Do We Choose The Friends We Do?

Having someone in our lives who think our opinions matter, who value our company and make us feel wanted is important to most of us. I think that this applies to most human beings as most people ultimately want and need to feel close to other human beings.

Having good friends can also help us to develop our self-esteem but there can, and often are, other reasons for choosing our friends. And be in no doubt, mostly we do choose people to be in our lives – they’re not always there by chance.

So why do we choose certain people to be our friends?

One reason is that it’s easier to get on with people who have similar values – while having different opinions is good in lots of ways, most close friendships are with people who think in the same way as us. If they don’t have the same values as you, there will be lots of compromises and sometimes that can be a strain, to say the least. When friends have similar values, it helps them to be accountable to each other and the wider world.

The pandemic has highlighted this for a lot of us – suddenly, people whom you thought were great friends have had different opinions about vaccinations, isolation and quarantine. It’s been a real eye-opener for many of us!

Having common goals is a big thing with a lot of friendships – if you’re ambitious in your work-life, you might choose people who can help your career take off up to the next level. This sounds a bit calculating but it may not be deliberate, just the way it’s worked out. If your usual friends are happy in their careers and don’t want or need to advance, it can help to be with people who feel the same as you.

Choosing friends who bring some balance to your life is important too – some friends have the skills and abilities that you don’t and vice-versa, so you can both enhance one another’s lives.

Past shared history is hugely important to a lot of us – that’s why it’s often hard moving to a new area, because you didn’t grow up there and can’t laugh about the crush you had on Ryan Smith in the last year of school. That’s partly why school reunions are appealing to some people – you can look back on your shared past and reflect on it, laugh, cringe and generally know that you got through it somehow.

Choosing friends with the same interests makes life more fun – if you both enjoy walking, the cinema, playing music or eating out, it’s great to have someone who shares those passions with you.

So, choosing the right friends for you is important for your happiness and self-worth. If you find yourself choosing people (or they choose you!) who don’t enhance your life, but pull you down and make you miserable, ask yourself why they’re in your life. Maybe your self-esteem is very low and you feel that you don’t deserve someone nice as a friend, so you have people in your friendship group who you can’t really relax around and, worse still, you can’t rely on. If that’s the case, look at your reasons for staying in a friendship like this and if it’s not what you really want. try to disengage from it as gently as possible. See less of that person, don’t respond to texts straight away and gradually ease away.

Lastly, if you want great friends you need to be one yourself so treat them as you want to be treated – that way your friendships will be rewarding as well as fulfilling.

Please do comment on my blog if you have found it interesting, useful or otherwise. You can see my blogs as soon as they are published (usually on Wednesdays) by pressing the ‘follow’ button and you can share them with your friends. You can also find me on LinkedIn, Instagram (samebutdifferent) and read my FB posts at Same But Different.

Bottling Up Emotions

On 9 March 2021 the comedian Jennifer Saunders spoke about her long marriage to Adrian Edmondson saying “”We are masters of keep it in, get over it, move on”. (see link below).

https://www.femalefirst.co.uk/tv/news/jennifer-saunders-never-argues-husband-1285266.html

As a counsellor and psychotherapist, this is not something I’d usually recommend although it certainly seems to work for Jennifer. However, she does go onto say that she often talks to her co-star, Dawn French, who, I quote, “helps me sort out my feelings about things and people’.

But, for a lot of people, talking about their feelings within relationships (whether that’s with a partner, family member or friend) is necessary so that resentments don’t build up and so that they can interact in a healthy way.

So, how to go about creating this emotional intimacy?

First of all, think about what or who has disappointed you, how it’s impacted on you and how you feel. It’s alright to say that you’re not sure about how you feel, that you’re confused and have mixed emotions.

If you’re struggling with talking about deep topics, ask yourself why this is. Maybe it taps into fears of being abandoned or rejected but if one person consistently avoids deeper subjects, anger can escalate or, the other extreme, one person shuts down their underlying emotions to try to keep the peace.

But, it’s the deep emotions that often keep a meaningful connection and it also stops ongoing negative patterns where communication is concerned.

So, how to start the conversation? Well, first of all, don’t say “we need to talk” which can make the other person feel like a five-year old, but instead say “I need to talk”. That shows that you know what you’re going to say is subjective. Following on from that, speak ‘adult to adult’ rather than parent to child. If you feel that you’re getting into a parental role with the other person, who will feel as if they’re being ‘told off’, make a conscious effort to get back to a place where you’re communicating as equals.

Remember, the person you’re interacting doesn’t exist to satisfy your every emotional need. Although your feelings are important, the other person has a right to feel differently and have their own feelings. Sometimes, ultimately you may have to agree to differ, even if that’s very frustrating.

Be patient with each other – differences often mean that you’re both experiencing things differently.

Lastly, don’t underestimate non-verbal communication. A light touch on the arm or a kiss on the cheek shows the other person that ultimately you’re thinking of them in a kind and loving way.

You can read my blogs as soon as they are published (usually on Wednesdays) by pressing the ‘follow’ button and you can share them with your friends. You can also find me on Linked In, Instagram (samebutdifferent) and read my FB posts at Same But Different.

#anger #relationships #self-esteem #sexuality #social anxiety

Communication is vital for a lot of couples

Why Am I Always The One Getting Hurt In Relationships?

Does it feel as if you’re always the one getting hurt in relationships so that you’re on the verge of saying “no more; I’ve had enough”?

If so, you’ve probably spent a lot of time during lockdown wondering why this keeps happening and how you can stop it. Everything seems fine in the early stages and love blossoms easily – you seem to have so much in common and laugh at the same things. Suddenly, everything seems that little bit better, whether that’s when you’re stuck in a queue to pay for something, when it’s raining and grey outside or when someone irritates you at work.

But then, it seemed to change and you start pondering when that started and why did it happen.

First of all, it might not be down to you but instead about the person/people you choose.

When we’re vulnerable, it’s makes us fall harder for someone, possibly ignoring the early warning signs in a relationship that are telling us to avoid getting involved too quickly. Also, there’s the person who’s texting us every day to see how we are, what they can do for us – we can find that boring. It’s too easy – there sometimes needs to be a bit of a thrill building up to getting together. So, we choose someone with a bit of an ‘edge’, someone who seems a bit more exciting, someone that makes our hearts leap a bit.

That’s all great, but if it moves too fast, it doesn’t give us time to get to know the other person properly before committing ourselves. Also, even if you’re only in your twenties, a lot of people have what we call “baggage” – by the time people get to their fifties, it’s very unusual to meet people who haven’t got this “baggage”. However, sometimes this can be a good thing, even if it might make life more complicated. For instance, if the person has had a previous long-term relationship, most of them will have also learnt something about themselves and relationships (we hope so anyway!).

Are we actually deluded by our own fantasies? Do we sometimes look at a potential partner and not see them for who they are but who we’d like them to be? Might it be that we feel that if we love them and show them understanding, they’ll reveal that underneath they really are that person in whom we put our faith and trust? We’ll be the ones to help them understand themselves and it will all come right in the end. It’s a hard one to admit, even to ourselves.

Along the same lines is the question, why do we keep going for people who aren’t in a place to give us what we want or need? Again, is it because we feel that if we love them enough, they’ll stop doing those little things that cause us concern? That might be finding them out in a lie (what else have they kept from us?) or realising that they’ve racked up debts in the past that they’ve kept quiet about (“I was ashamed and that’s why I didn’t tell you”/”I thought I’d be able to sort it out”/ “I thought it was my business, no-one else’s”). Most of us want to be that person who changes the ‘bad boy/girl’ for the better but a lot of people don’t want to change, or don’t know how to, even though they might say otherwise at the beginning of a relationship.

So, here are a few ways to avoid things going wrong:

  • Try not to spend every waking moment together – it can take away some of the magic, however desirable it seems at the time.
  • Don’t drop everything and everyone else – still make time for friendships, family, hobbies and time alone otherwise it’s easy to lose your sense of self which ultimately makes you less interesting.
  • Try not to be too dependent on one another for every little thing – eventually this can become a need rather than a free choice.
  • Take your time and really get to know one another before you become really involved.

Hopefully, remembering all of the above, your next relationship will be the one to last so that you no longer get hurt and you can enjoy all the great things about being in love and having someone love you back.

You can read my blogs as soon as they are published (usually on Wednesdays) by pressing the ‘follow’ button and you can share them with your friends. You can also find me on Linked In, Instagram (samebutdifferent) and read my FB posts at Same But Different.

Our Need For Companionship

According to an article I read online recently, a Japanese man has found a way of earning a modest living by renting himself out to people who want a companion, whether that’s because they’re lonely, bored and want someone to accompany them to a hospital appointment or, when it was possible, to a social event

Maybe you read the same article…..if so, what did you think about it?

Apparently, Shoji Morimoto, who’s 35 years old, has received thousands of requests for his services and rents himself out under the name of ‘Rental Person Who Does Nothing’. He charges about 10,000 yen which is around £70 and adds on expenses for any travel and meals. He meets clients for a chat and a drink but nothing more than that. In fact, he advertises himself as a person who can “eat and drink, and give simple feedback, but do nothing more”. As well as having 269,000 Twitter followers he’s published books, although I couldn’t find them online, but presumably they’re based around his experiences of going for a walk with clients, shopping with them or accompanying them when they have appointments with a professional.

In some ways, I’m thinking that this is a very worthwhile service, but also – it’s sad that we live in a society where people have to pay someone to alleviate their feeling of being alone. I doubt that this is confined to Japan as loneliness affects people worldwide although I suspected not so much in collectivist cultures. However, apparently that isn’t true as people don’t seem to be lonelier in societies that are traditionally labelled ‘individualistic’.  It’s common to live alone in those societies but it doesn’t always go hand in hand with loneliness. Interesting…..  see the link below for more information about this:

https://ourworldindata.org/lonely-not-alone

If you’ve spent five years or fifty years in a relationship and that person is no longer there, either because they’ve died or left, it can leave a huge hole when you’ve been used to having someone to share your life with. Even if you didn’t do a lot together and had few shared interests, that person was there physically at least. The same goes for a sibling or close friend – if they’re no longer in your life, for whatever reason, the void left can be very hard to fill Maybe you’ve decided to try to find more people to share your life with, not necessarily in a relationship, but so that there are people who provide a degree of companionship that you feel you’re missing. If so, going for a walk every day and just saying “hello” to whoever you meet along the way as well as texting someone in your family or a friend to see how they are. When restrictions ease, you could try joining a group that interests you as well.

It’s not easy to make these changes but if you try them, you may well find that you find the companionship that’s important to you.

I’d be interested to know what you think about this blog and what I’ve written so do comment if you’d like to do so.

You can read my blogs as soon as they are published (usually on Wednesdays) by pressing the ‘follow’ button and you can share them with your friends. You can also find me on Linked In, Instagram (samebutdifferent) and read my FB posts at Same But Different.

Companionship