Category Archives: Bereavement

Improving Your Relationship – What’s The Key?

Most relationships have some conflict but what makes some relationships thrive whilst others flounder? There’s no easy answer to that but research suggests that if you have a negative exchange of words with your partner, there need to be at least five positive interactions to keep the relationship healthy.

So how can you improve things between you? Well, you could start by trying the following:

Prioritise time together – it will help you to connect at a deeper level if you plan times when you can enjoy each other’s company, talk without being interrupted and hopefully feel closer to your partner. This isn’t easy if one of you works shifts and/or you have children. However, if you can manage it, it should pay dividends. Half an hour of quiet time together and taking an interest in each other’s hobbies by asking questions and not rolling your eyes when they want to talk about their interests is a good way to start.
If you can’t agree, practice compromise – by considering what your partner thinks, even if it’s completely different from your own perspective, can help to slow down conflict. Don’t just pay ‘lip service’ to what they’re saying, but genuinely listen to them, without interrupting, and recognise and acknowledge their emotions. That’s when trying to find a middle ground pays dividends – of course, it doesn’t always work but it’s a good place to start.
Apologise if you’re in the wrong – it’s a hard thing to admit that you’ve hurt someone (possibly without intending to) and some people find it harder than others, but if your partner is hurt by your bad behaviour or because you’ve said something unkind, do a bit of soul-searching to see if you can admit that to yourself and then to them.
Try to express your appreciation of them on a daily basis by complimenting them on their strengths, praising them and making an effort to understand their needs. We all like to be appreciated – it helps us to feel better, even things aren’t generally going well.
Lastly, use humour to diffuse difficult situations because quite often it can strengthen your connection. You can share jokes about things that only the two of you know about and a little teasing can often help things along. Not everyone likes being teased but if it’s done in a light-hearted way can help to lighten mundane times.

Anyway, let me know your thoughts on it.

You can see my blogs as soon as they are published (usually on Wednesdays) by pressing the ‘follow’ button and you can share them with your friends. You can also find me on LinkedIn, Instagram (samebutdifferent) and read my FB posts every week at Same But Different. I’m now on TikTok too – look for Same But Different #samebutdifferent #relationships # issues #bloggerforever #lovewriting #livingchange #makeitcount #canidothis #canyoudothis #ukblogger #femaleblogger #irishblogger

Your Narcissistic Friend (or Partner)…….

Leave a reply

It’s an easy label to stick on someone and not a characteristic we ideally want in a close friend or in a partner. After all, most of us choose our close friends because they have a lot in common with us, they’re fun and we feel a connection (or perhaps you’ve found more complicated reasons – you tell me!). It’s usually much the same with partners – we want to be with someone because we have a connection with them.

However, it’s easy to get sucked in by narcissists, mainly because at first they seem interested in us as well as being friendly but underneath they’re often focused on their own needs. Still, it’s not easy to spot because they’re so good at putting on a good ‘front’. You decide:

They don’t really seem to care or understand your feelings. We all want compassionate friends we can talk to if we’re going through tough times but they tend to start asking you lots of questions about the decisions you’ve made instead of empathising with you.
At the other end of the scale, if you do well they don’t always want to recognise your success because it takes some of the limelight away from them.
They see other people as a means of getting what they want; they’ll often use someone for their connections, skills or resources without really taking into account how the lack of empathy affects those people.
They often need to be the centre of attention and will go to great lengths to make sure that they’re getting noticed.
Leading on from that need, you’ll notice that they’re excellent at ‘virtue signalling’, making sure that they demonstrate how good they are and what a social conscience they have.
They react very defensively if they’re criticised – it blows their ego and they can’t really handle it.
They don’t recognise why certain boundaries are important to you.
It’s never their fault – they tend to dodge responsibility and instead, shift the blame to someone else.

Sounds familiar? Even though your friend or partner may exhibit several of the above traits, it doesn’t make them a bad person. They’re often insecure and have a huge need to be liked because underneath there are a lot of insecurities and fear of rejection. However, if you don’t keep repeating to them what’s unacceptable, you’re unlikely to have a healthy friendship with them.

If you understand them and feel that you get a lot out of the friendship then hopefully your friendship or partnership will survive and even thrive.

Trying To Cope With A Moody Person In Your Life?

Leave a reply

It’s not easy coping with moody people, whether that’s at home or work. It can feel as if their moodiness is due to something you’ve done or said, but that’s rarely the case, even though they might try to tell you otherwise.

If you want or need to find a way to cope with them (you love them because they’re part of your family or you work with them and want to make things more tolerable) here are some ways to help yourself with this:

First of all, try to stay calm; keep your voice soft and your tone of voice steady, otherwise you’ll find yourself feeding into the drama.
Don’t take it personally; it feels personal but most of the time it’s about them and their inability to control their moods. That says more about them than you!
Remember that you don’t have to fix things for them, nor do you have to let it ruin your day.
Set some clear boundaries and don’t let them treat you badly; if you allow them to use their bad mood to get their own way, they’ll never have to be accountable for their behaviour.
If possible, give them some space and let them calm down. It’s better to wait until they’re feeling better rather than have an argument at the time. If they’re being unfair or shouting it’s best to leave the situation if at all possible. If you’re at work, go back to your desk or workspace. It’s important that you don’t allow yourself to be bullied into submission about a topic.
If it’s possible, wait until they’ve calmed down and try to discuss things then. They will hopefully be more receptive to what you’re saying then.

It’s human nature to want to help people who are struggling emotionally but most people in that situation don’t want someone to fix their pain; mostly, they want to feel that they’re understood. The best way to help is something called reflective listening which means reflecting back to them whatever they’ve said. This is more helpful than trying to fix things and hopefully they will feel able to share some of what they’re experiencing.

Hopefully you’ve found this helpful and will find it useful when interacting with moody people that you come into contact with, either in your personal relationships or at work.

Are You Dreading Your Summer Holiday?

Leave a reply

Sounds strange doesn’t it? We plan for a summer holiday and then find it’s something we’re almost dreading. If you’re prone to anxiety, planning a holiday can seem almost overwhelming. Booking flights or planning a route, finding accommodation, maybe cooking extra in preparation, packing…. the list is endless. But, you can make things a bit easier if you try the tips below for taking control of some of the common holiday stresses.

Recognise that you can’t do everything! Sounds simple but fitting everything in on top of work and other commitments is too much. So try making a packing list and keeping it on your phone for this year and for the future. Do a big shop rather than several smaller ones and try to cook in advance if you need to and have the time.
If you realise you can’t really afford to go away, it can be a panicky feeling. Back in the spring, it may have seemed possible and realistic but now you’re panicking about it. Try setting a budget for each day you’re away and determine to stick to it. Check your accounts online whilst you’re away to see how much money is left. It might mean one less meal out or fewer drinks in the daytime but hopefully you’ll find ways to economise that don’t impact too much.
There are lots of high expectations about holidays – try lowering them a bit and go for a ‘good enough’ break. Focus on what’s really important to you and don’t get side- lined by other peoples’ expectations.
If you’re going away with your family and suddenly realise that’s what you’re feeling uncertain about, recognise that most families are irritating and boastful at times. Pick your battles and ask yourself if you really want to argue about day trips, politics or local cuisine. Practice being calm and know that you can walk away for a while if things get heated.
If you’re going away alone, the holidays can highlight isolation and loneliness. Look out for planned holiday events where you’re staying and book yourself onto tours to any place that looks interesting.
Late-night drinking and partying take their toll so make a promise to yourself that you’ll carve out some time to rest and do absolutely nothing. If you can incorporate some exercise into your break, better still.
Finally, travelling itself can be stressful, whether you’re stuck in a long traffic jam or your plane is delayed. Try to take it as part of the experience (one that you could do without, of course!) and stay as calm as possible. There’s usually nothing that you can do so practice being philosophical about it. With hindsight, some of these travel horror stories are entertaining once you’re back and re-telling the story to friends.

“I feel so lonely…..”

Leave a reply

Living through the last few years has highlighted how we live and work as well as throwing up a lot of financial challenges. One thing that has hit a lot of us more than usual is a feeling of loneliness, even more acute than it might have been before Covid-19. Some people choose to be alone and can live very happily without a lot of contact with other people.

But loneliness can hit most of us sometimes, whether you’re young and feeling cut-off from your friends, in your middle years and lonely in your relationship, or an older person who’s lost their partner. Even if you have lots of friends or come from a big family, it’s still possible to feel real loneliness. It can have many different causes and affects all of us in different ways. Certain lifestyles and the stresses of life today can make people socially isolated and more vulnerable to loneliness. It can also have a big impact on your mental health, contributing to anxiety, stress and depression. Not feeling part of the world in which you live is part of a vicious circle where you then stop trying to maintain friendships and then feel excluded. Certain situations might also make you feel lonelier – if you have a relationship break-up or someone close to you dies, you can feel lonely within yourself for a long time. When you’re part of an ethnic group with few community networks or you’re a single parent finding it hard to go out, you can feel lonelier than ever before. People try different ways to avoid this inner loneliness including spending a lot of time socialising and thereby not having time to ponder on it too much, or they develop a dependency on drugs or alcohol to escape these feelings. So, how can you combat these feeling of loneliness? For some people it’s about making more social contact with other people, either friends or family. If you’re feeling ‘low’ this can take a lot of effort but if you don’t do so then you’re likely to end up more lonely and isolated than ever.

Take small steps at first:

go for a short walk in the fresh air and try to say ‘hello’ if you see anyone from your road or who looks familiar to you.
text someone in your family, just to see how they are.
Now that restrictions are lifting (at the time of writing) if you’re in a group of people, try to make a few comments, even though it seems easier to keep quiet and let everyone else talk.
try having a short talk with the cashier when you pay for goods in the shop. Even a little social contact helps a bit!
if you have children, maybe you could make conversation with one or two other parents once school re-starts.

Another way of making connections with people is through shared interests, values or experiences. If something interests you, whether that’s walking, watching films or going camping, there will be other people who feel the same. There is usually information about local clubs or groups in the library or you can look online and these groups will hopefully re-start again soon..

If, despite doing your best, you don’t manage to achieve the social contact you’d like, it may be worth learning how to feel more comfortable in your own company. This can be rewarding if you focus on the pleasure it gives you. Having time to reflect and think can be positive.

Trying yoga or pilates can help to achieve a peace that frenetic socialising can’t. Getting a dog or cat is another way to alleviate loneliness, especially as they’re usually pleased to see you when you arrive home! Writing a journal helps to look at how you’re feeling and seeing your thoughts on paper can help you to look at how you might be able to improve things.