It’s an easy label to stick on someone and not a characteristic we ideally want in a close friend or in a partner. After all, most of us choose our close friends because they have a lot in common with us, they’re fun and we feel a connection (or perhaps you’ve found more complicated reasons – you tell me!). It’s usually much the same with partners – we want to be with someone because we have a connection with them.

However, it’s easy to get sucked in by narcissists, mainly because at first they seem interested in us as well as being friendly but underneath they’re often focused on their own needs. Still, it’s not easy to spot because they’re so good at putting on a good ‘front’. You decide:

• They don’t really seem to care or understand your feelings. We all want compassionate friends we can talk to if we’re going through tough times but they tend to start asking you lots of questions about the decisions you’ve made instead of empathising with you.
• At the other end of the scale, if you do well they don’t always want to recognise your success because it takes some of the limelight away from them.
• They see other people as a means of getting what they want; they’ll often use someone for their connections, skills or resources without really taking into account how the lack of empathy affects those people.
• They often need to be the centre of attention and will go to great lengths to make sure that they’re getting noticed.
• Leading on from that need, you’ll notice that they’re excellent at ‘virtue signalling’, making sure that they demonstrate how good they are and what a social conscience they have.
• They react very defensively if they’re criticised – it blows their ego and they can’t really handle it.
• They don’t recognise why certain boundaries are important to you.
• It’s never their fault – they tend to dodge responsibility and instead, shift the blame to someone else.

Sounds familiar? Even though your friend or partner may exhibit several of the above traits, it doesn’t make them a bad person. They’re often insecure and have a huge need to be liked because underneath there are a lot of insecurities and fear of rejection. However, if you don’t keep repeating to them what’s unacceptable, you’re unlikely to have a healthy friendship with them.

If you understand them and feel that you get a lot out of the friendship then hopefully your friendship or partnership will survive and even thrive.

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