Bullied by your own family – it sounds almost impossible, doesn’t it?

However, sadly, this happens a lot in families whether it’s a partner or someone in your birth family. This can be a parent, sibling or other family member and it’s often difficult to detect as well as accept that this is happening. Don’t think that only men can be bullies – women can be just as adept at this! One of the worst parts of it is that these people often say how much they love you.

A bully in the family often encourages and manipulates other family members into acting in a certain way whilst fostering a negative view of the target in the minds of other family members, neighbours and friends – it’s achieved by undermining, creating doubts and suspicions and sharing false concerns. Sounds familiar?

The bully may try to establish an exclusive relationship, often based on apparent trust and confidence, with one family member so that they, the bully, are seen as the only really reliable source of information. This can be done by very clever means, perhaps by portraying the target as unstable, uncaring, undependable and untrustworthy. The object of this is to manipulate the family member’s perceptions so that the bully is seen as an honourable person with others’ best interests at heart. If challenged, the bully pretends to be the victim and makes sure that they are seen as the entirely plausible one, turning the focus on themselves to be the centre of attention.

Sounds frightening? It is! The psychological damage done can be very undermining but because there is no physical violence, there are no outward signs, at least at first. Most commonly, there is verbal and emotional abuse including nit-picking, constant fault-finding and criticism but usually when the bully and victim are alone. When other people are present, the bully is often ‘sweetness and light’, leaving others feeling that the bully is a lovely person.

Why does this happen? There are lots of theories including the bully suffering low self-esteem and using tactics to make themselves feel better, having control over other people – again to help them feel more positive about themselves and competitiveness within the family (always wanting to be thought of as better than a sibling).

A lot of people aren’t aware that they’re being bullied within their family, especially if the bullies are their parents and this has been going on since childhood, so it seems normal. Sometimes a sibling can take over from one of the parents and start the scapegoating again. Some signs that you or someone close to you is being bullied are:

• The bully puts you down, either when you’re alone or in front of others.
• They criticise you under the guise of helping you.
• They call you names like ‘useless’ or ‘stupid’.
• They tell you how to spend your money.
• They keep score of what they’ve done for you so that they can then say that they’ve done so much for you and either you’re not reciprocating or you’re a disappointment to them.
• They ask you constant questions about yourself, your life and how you live it.
• If you complain about their behaviour, they say that you’re “too sensitive” and “take things to heart too much”.
• They can be silently angry with you and refuse to talk about problems, using silence as a punishment (passive-aggressive). Another tactic is to say that they’re too busy to talk if you try to discuss a particular issue with them – even if they initiated the subject! Once it gets a bit difficult for them, they’ll try to terminate the conversation.

If you’ve ever suffered this as a child, it can have an even bigger effect than it might have done and the bully probably realises this, which is why they use that tactic. Their silence is a way to manipulate you so that you ask what the problem is and try to change something in your life to please them so that they will speak to you again.

So what can you do to deal with this?

• The first thing is to try to talk to the person/people concerned – they may not realise that what they’re doing is actually bullying. Tell them how it makes you feel and then ask them to stop – if they insist that they’re not doing anything wrong and that you’re being ridiculous/neurotic/over-sensitive at least you will have tried to bring it out into the open and make changes even though the other person isn’t willing to change.
• The next thing you can do is to set boundaries with the family member whether that is one of your parents, a sibling or a partner. When asked about attending a family party, if you don’t want to stay for most of the day tell everyone that you’re only going to stay for a couple of hours. If someone in the family wants you to do something for them and it’s not convenient, say so with something along the lines of “I wish that I could do that but it’s just not possible this time”. There will be some sort of backlash because you’re refusing to be controlled any longer, but try to remember that your needs and desires are as important as anyone else’s.
• If someone criticises your parenting style, you can say “I’m bringing the children up according to my values. I’m sorry if you don’t like it but that’s what I’m going to do”.  There is no need to get into an argument about it; just state the facts.
• Remove yourself from the situation temporarily – you don’t have to stay around to be criticised. During the break, try to step away emotionally as well so that you can see more clearly what’s going on.
• Keep calm and as unemotional as possible when dealing with a bully – that is your best resistance.
• Find support elsewhere so that you’re not so dependent on that person or people – once you’re doing other things with friends, you won’t need the bully so much.

If you feel you’re suffering from being bullied within your family or relationship, working on your self-esteem can really help you to cope. Try reading about bullying, look at online forums and try counselling, which can really help you to overcome the unhappiness of being bullied.

You can see my blogs as soon as they are published (usually on Wednesdays) by pressing the ‘follow’ button and you can share them with your friends. You can also find me on LinkedIn, Instagram (samebutdifferent) and read my FB posts every week at Same But Different. I’m now on TikTok too – look for Same But Different #samebutdifferent #relationships # issues #bloggerforever #lovewriting #livingchange #makeitcount #canidothis #canyoudothis #ukblogger #femaleblogger #irishblogger

As a counsellor and psychotherapist, bottling up your emotions is not something I’d usually recommend although it certainly seems to work for some people! However, a lot of people often talk about their private issues with a friend, helping them to sort out their feelings about things and people so they’re not bottling them up completely, which is healthier than keeping everything inside.

Because, for a lot of people, talking about their feelings within relationships (whether that’s with a partner, family member or friend) is necessary so that resentments don’t build up and so that they can interact in a healthy way.

So, how to go about creating this emotional intimacy?

First of all, think about what or who has disappointed you, how it’s impacted on you and how you feel. It’s alright to say that you’re not sure about how you feel, that you’re confused and have mixed emotions.

If you’re struggling with talking about deep topics, ask yourself why this is. Maybe it taps into fears of being abandoned or rejected but if one person consistently avoids deeper subjects, anger can escalate or, the other extreme, one person shuts down their underlying emotions to try to keep the peace.

But, it’s the deep emotions that often keep a meaningful connection and it also stops ongoing negative patterns where communication is concerned.

So, how to start? Well, first of all, don’t say “we need to talk” which can make the other person feel like a five-year old, but instead say “I need to talk”. That shows that you know what you’re going to say is subjective. Following on from that, speak ‘adult to adult’ rather than parent to child. If you feel that you’re getting into a parental role with the other person, who will feel as if they’re being ‘told off’, make a conscious effort to get back to a place where you’re communicating as equals.

Remember, the person you’re interacting doesn’t exist to satisfy your every emotional need. Although your feelings are important, the other person has a right to feel differently and have their own feelings. Sometimes, ultimately you may have to agree to differ, even if that’s very frustrating.

Be patient with each other – differences often mean that you’re both experiencing things differently.

Lastly, don’t underestimate non-verbal communication. A light touch on the arm or a kiss on the cheek shows the other person that ultimately you’re thinking of them in a kind and loving way.

Hopefully you’ve found this interesting and, if so, you can see my blogs as soon as they are published (usually on Wednesdays) by pressing the ‘follow’ button and you can share them with your friends. You can also find me on LinkedIn, Instagram (samebutdifferent) and read my FB posts every week at Same But Different. I’m now on TikTok too – look for Same But Different #samebutdifferent #relationships # issues #bloggerforever #lovewriting #livingchange #makeitcount #canidothis #canyoudothis #ukblogger #femaleblogger #irishblogger

How tempting is it to take a look at your partner’s phone?! I’d say a lot of us might take a peek if we thought we’d get away with it but some/a lot of you might disagree? What about their right to privacy? Well, as with so many things, it depends…….

Of course it’s a violation of their privacy but that line can become blurred when you have an intimate relationship with someone. Most people (not all, I know) tell a few little white lies to avoid conflict.

Some of it can be curiosity because when you see them looking at their phone you wonder, naturally, who they’re texting and if the answer isn’t particularly forthcoming, it can be irritating at best and send out alarm bells. But if you’re just a curious person and your partner knows that, they might be fine with you having a look and then you can laugh about it together.

But sometimes the desire to look at their phone is a sign of deeper issues in the relationship and if you’re looking for something amiss, you’ll probably find it, if only because texts can be misleading in their purpose and intentions.

However, if your partner has already cheated on you, it makes sense to have an agreement of complete transparency from then on if you’re going to continue together. This has to be mutually agreed but is one way of repairing the harm done. I have to add right here that if someone’s determined to cheat, they can always get another phone to text their lover but we won’t go down that road right now!

Checking their phone can be tied to issues around communication or intimacy because if problems are left in the air rather than being discussed, suspicions can mount. Sometimes it can be easier to check their phone rather than telling them how vulnerable you feel and why you feel the need to look at their phone. But although it can seem justified, it often creates more problems than it resolves.

Even if your partner hasn’t given you any reason to doubt them, you might feel insecure anyway, particularly if you’ve dated or lived with someone who cheated in the past. The betrayal will usually have stayed with you for a long time afterwards. Subconsciously, you may feel that a new partner will betray you or that they’re not really committed to you. This may not be the case at all, particularly if there’s no real evidence to suggest this.  If you don’t trust what they are telling you, in effect you’re doubting who they are and wondering whether the person they really are is reflected in the contents of their phone.

If you’re looking at their phone without their knowledge, it’s sustaining secrecy in your relationship. So, generally it’s not alright, particularly as you might find something that’s innocent but blow it up into something big. Or, instead, you might find something suggesting or even confirming that they were doing something you wouldn’t like (not necessarily having an affair but maybe doing business deals that you didn’t know about or buying things that you weren’t aware of). Of course, you’re going to be upset and it’s then become a self-fulfilling prophecy as well as being a bad way of finding out (is there ever a ‘good way’? Probably not!!).

In the end, there are no guarantees in any relationship, but going through someone’s phone shows that there’s a breakdown in communication. If you want to remedy that, ideally there needs to be an agreement that either you can both go through each other’s phones or that each of you needs some privacy even in your relationship, including keeping the contents of your phone to yourself.

When you feel threatened by your partner’s independence it’s not a healthy situation. If you have a relationship built on trust, it gives both of you room to connect with friends, family and colleagues.

You can see my blogs as soon as they are published (usually on Wednesdays) by pressing the ‘follow’ button and you can share them with your friends. You can also find me on LinkedIn, Instagram (samebutdifferent) and read my FB posts every week at Same But Different. I’m now on TikTok too – look for Same But Different #samebutdifferent #relationships # issues #bloggerforever #lovewriting #livingchange #makeitcount #canidothis #canyoudothis #ukblogger #femaleblogger #irishblogger

It’s easy to think of someone who’s a master/mistress of manipulation as a hideous figure who sits there with arms folded, looking forbidding. If only it was that! It’s rarely that easy to spot a manipulator – think more of a wolf in sheep’s clothing where you can think that someone is harmless, rather than calculating and furtive.

Do you suspect that this is happening to you and that someone you know is gradually gaining control of you or someone close to you? So what should you look out for?

• Someone who is very charismatic and excessively nice; there are people who do have those characteristics and are genuine, but nevertheless, be aware that not everyone falls into that category.
• They will do almost anything to get you to trust them, including confiding in you so that you feel ‘special’.
• They play the victim to try to get their own way.
• They’re often passive-aggressive, saying one thing and meaning or doing another.
• They use the silent treatment against you if you question them.

So if you recognise some or all of the above, what can you do? Well, it’s not easy but recognising what’s happening is a good start (even though it’s hard if you really like someone).Then – try taking a step back, in a literal sense as well as emotionally. This is because manipulators often attempt to pat you on the shoulder or back, using the physical proximity as well as cajoling you to pressurise you into doing what they want.

Try to stay emotionally neutral by not reacting in an emotional way. By staying calm and responding to criticism (there’s almost always criticism!), you minimise them playing on your vulnerability. So responding with sentences like “I disagree with what you’re saying about me so I’m leaving it there” and refuse to enter further discussion on that particular subject.

Tell them that you no longer respond to calls and texts are 9p.m. and before 9a.m. each day. There’s no need to give a long explanation, just say that it works better for you.

Look them in the eye – it can be very intense but is often a tactic used by manipulators. You may have to practice this but it will be worth it.

If they say that you ‘always’ do a particular thing (usually something that they don’t like!), ask them for examples of other times that it’s happened. Unless they can cite six other examples, ‘always’ isn’t true and you can tell them this.

They often know how to push your buttons, but you do have the power to say “I’m not going to do this and you have to accept it” and then keep to that.

Lastly, but perhaps most importantly, don’t let yourself become isolated.  A manipulator will try to get you to withdraw from your family or other friends. Instead of withdrawing, start spending more time those people who are usually close to you – it will help you to break free from a manipulator’s grip over you.

It won’t be easy, but keep trying the above and you will be able to live your life freely without fear of upsetting someone who wants to manipulate you.

You can see my blogs as soon as they are published (usually on Wednesdays) by pressing the ‘follow’ button and you can share them with your friends. You can also find me on LinkedIn, Instagram (samebutdifferent) and read my FB posts every week at Same But Different. I’m now on TikTok too – look for Same But Different #samebutdifferent #relationships # issues #bloggerforever #lovewriting #livingchange #makeitcount #canidothis #canyoudothis #ukblogger #femaleblogger #irishblogger

I was talking about this with some of my friends last night (following which, I hope that none of them will ‘dump’ me!). The subject of holidays came up and one person said that they’d had a great holiday with a friend, but on the last day that person had ignored her and refused to take any calls from her since. Another friend then said that she’d had a similar thing happen to her – someone she thought she was close to had suddenly stopped talking to her for no apparent reason.

We all agreed how painful this is and how we tend to blame ourselves, questioning ‘what did I do wrong?’ and scrutinising every little thing we’d said and done in previous weeks or months. It’s not surprising that it hurts so much though – we choose our friends, whereas with family, we don’t and because we’ve made that choice, it can feel more catastrophic if it comes to an end.

Trying to make sense of being dumped is hard – sometimes it happens because of different life choices, where life takes you in different directions. Careers, babies and the geography of one or both of you moving to different towns, areas or even countries. The worst part of it is not knowing why or how it’s happened, or maybe you have a slight inkling and have tried to make things better by texting, phoning or even calling round. But ultimately, if your friend no longer wants to be in your life, you can’t make them.

It’s easier than ever before to break up – for a start, there’s telling someone by text that you no longer want to see them or just blocking their calls. No explanation needed. The end. Well, the end for them, but not for you. If you do get an explanation, it might well be that whatever happened is the last straw but you had no idea until that time.  Also, sometimes things happen in friendship that we tend to push to one side, not really addressing them until it’s too late.

Basically, it’s a huge loss and the grief you feel if it’s happened to you is really painful. Facing up to the fact that that person doesn’t want to see or speak to you again is a really hard pill to swallow.

If this has happened to you, take comfort from the fact that if you’ve tried your absolute best to put things right again, you can’t actually do any more. From then on, don’t let the experience put you off being the best friend that you can be to the others in your life. Keep your focus on them, cherish them and resolve to never behave like this towards someone else.

Don’t descend into loathing yourself – it’s entirely possible that it’s not actually down to you, even though it feels like it. Years down the line you may find that it had very little to do with you but a lot to do with what was going on in their lives at the time. Even if that doesn’t happen, focus on trying to accept what’s happened and be honest with yourself about why you were friendly with that person. Was it really all on their terms and what did you get from the friendship? Sometimes, long-term friendships become untenable and although people can and do grow together (like a good marriage), sometimes they don’t. Try to look at the bigger picture and see how you can use this experience to ensure that you talk to any other friends as soon as any niggles arise.

Don’t bottle up your feelings but talk to a therapist if you’re really struggling – as I often say, talking about it can really help!

If you’ve found yourself in the position of being dumped by a close friend, I hope that this blog has helped you to understand your own feelings and perhaps some of theirs too – let me know your thoughts on it.

You can see my blogs as soon as they are published (usually on Wednesdays) by pressing the ‘follow’ button and you can share them with your friends. You can also find me on LinkedIn, Instagram (samebutdifferent) and read my FB posts every week at Same But Different. I’m now on TikTok too – look for Mindful Moments with Annie #samebutdifferent #relationships # issues #bloggerforever #lovewriting #livingchange #makeitcount #canidothis #canyoudothis #ukblogger #femaleblogger #irishblogger