We’re told that forgiveness is a healing process and therefore good for us, but is that always the case? Well, it seems that forcing it can sometimes be harmful. If severe abuse or ongoing trauma has occurred, there’s no simple answer, especially if the offender has shown little or no remorse. Forgiveness takes time and it’s not healthy to suppress anger which may in fact be justified, especially if your own pain is invalidated.
Forgiving too early sometimes lets perpetrators escape any accountability for what they’ve done or said and unresolved anger raises stress levels. Faking forgiveness can bring about even deeper despair in the victim so it’s important not to let other people (family, friends, colleagues or even the media) pressurise you into forgiving before you’re ready to do so.
If you feel that you want to move towards forgiveness, which of course isn’t the same as forgetting, it usually has to be a conscious decision to let go of any resentment or anger that you’re feeling towards someone who’s done you a wrong – easier said than done though!
It’s less about holding a grudge and more about trying to understand what’s happened. How to do it? Well, if you truly want to forgive someone, try these:
- Try to understand why they did what they did. That usually means talking about it with them.
- If appropriate, discuss a way that they can make things better – what do they need to do for you to forgive them?
- Remember the times that you’ve hurt someone without meaning to – don’t brood on it but look at why you did it and how you didn’t mean to cause hurt.
- Thing about the consequences of holding a grudge – these are often negative and in the long term won’t help anyone or anything.
Sometimes it’s ourselves that we need to forgive so if you’re having a hard time doing so, remember that you can cut yourself some slack and recognise that everyone (yes, everyone) makes mistakes sometimes!
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