The problem is, if you’ve experienced betrayal in a relationship, or you saw one of your parents or friends betrayed, it’s often difficult to trust someone again. Of course, it’s important to go with that gut feeling about someone, but after a betrayal it’s often hard to read the differences between gut feelings and something that feels a bit ‘off’. In an effort to protect ourselves we’re often on guard, looking at things in the worst possible light. We imagine lots of worst-case scenarios which can continue until they’re disproven We can drive ourselves crazy with all the unknowns and not knowing the truth. Does that sound familiar?

The fear of being hurt again and experiencing all the sinking feelings, sadness and upset is often very frightening. If you’re still in the relationship where your partner hurt or betrayed you, risking everything again and healing old wounds can seem impossible. Betrayal doesn’t just mean about love either; it could be that your partner got into debt and didn’t tell you, that they gambled or drank joint incomes away or spoke about you to their family behind your back.

The first step to building or re-building trust is to acknowledge that your fears are very real. However, try to challenge negativity by looking at the hard facts now, rather than what has gone before.

Don’t let panic take over. Try to have a mature conversation where you talk about what is triggering those feelings and what actions specifically build up and erode trust. For instance, if your partner disappears without telling you where they’re going, it’s easy for your mind to race and to become suspicious about their whereabouts (another man/woman, online gambling or drinking in secret).

State your boundaries and be clear about how you’d like things to proceed now. For trust to be rebuilt, the person who broke that trust must start committing to transparency by telling you where they’re going and whom they’re seeing.

If this is a new relationship, the conversation is still relevant as you explain that you need them to follow through on promises made and that them being reliable is very important to you. It’s important to be consistent in what you’re saying, and stick to these boundaries.

The healing comes from taking things step by step, allowing yourself to be vulnerable and acknowledging positive and new experiences as and when they happen. There are going to be ups and downs and sometimes it will seem as if you’re taking two steps forward and one step back but even that’s progress, even though you’d probably prefer it to be quicker.

If, after trying all of the above, you’re still struggling, it’s time to consider accessing therapy to look at your feelings of betrayal and how you might overcome them with the help of a qualified counsellor.

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