I was talking about this with some of my friends last night (following which, I hope that none of them will ‘dump’ me!). The subject of holidays came up and one person said that they’d had a great holiday with a friend, but on the last day that person had ignored her and refused to take any calls from her since. Another friend then said that she’d had a similar thing happen to her – someone she thought she was close to had suddenly stopped talking to her for no apparent reason.
We all agreed how painful this is and how we tend to blame ourselves, questioning ‘what did I do wrong?’ and scrutinising every little thing we’d said and done in previous weeks or months. It’s not surprising that it hurts so much though – we choose our friends, whereas with family, we don’t and because we’ve made that choice, it can feel more catastrophic if it comes to an end.
Trying to make sense of being dumped is hard – sometimes it happens because of different life choices, where life takes you in different directions. Careers, babies and the geography of one or both of you moving to different towns, areas or even countries. The worst part of it is not knowing why or how it’s happened, or maybe you have a slight inkling and have tried to make things better by texting, phoning or even calling round. But ultimately, if your friend no longer wants to be in your life, you can’t make them.
It’s easier than ever before to break up – for a start, there’s telling someone by text that you no longer want to see them or just blocking their calls. No explanation needed. The end. Well, the end for them, but not for you. If you do get an explanation, it might well be that whatever happened is the last straw but you had no idea until that time. Also, sometimes things happen in friendship that we tend to push to one side, not really addressing them until it’s too late.
Basically, it’s a huge loss and the grief you feel if it’s happened to you is really painful. Facing up to the fact that that person doesn’t want to see or speak to you again is a really hard pill to swallow.
If this has happened to you, take comfort from the fact that if you’ve tried your absolute best to put things right again, you can’t actually do any more. From then on, don’t let the experience put you off being the best friend that you can be to the others in your life. Keep your focus on them, cherish them and resolve to never behave like this towards someone else.
Don’t descend into loathing yourself – it’s entirely possible that it’s not actually down to you, even though it feels like it. Years down the line you may find that it had very little to do with you but a lot to do with what was going on in their lives at the time. Even if that doesn’t happen, focus on trying to accept what’s happened and be honest with yourself about why you were friendly with that person. Was it really all on their terms and what did you get from the friendship? Sometimes, long-term friendships become untenable and although people can and do grow together (like a good marriage), sometimes they don’t. Try to look at the bigger picture and see how you can use this experience to ensure that you talk to any other friends as soon as any niggles arise.
Don’t bottle up your feelings but talk to a therapist if you’re really struggling – as I often say, talking about it can really help!
If you’ve found yourself in the position of being dumped by a close friend, I hope that this blog has helped you to understand your own feelings and perhaps some of theirs too – let me know your thoughts on it.
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