We all meet people who are full of good intentions but that’s very different from a manipulator who will do whatever it takes to win, even if that means telling out-and-out lies. There are several things that a practised manipulator will do if and when you start standing up for yourself but recognising their game-plan is the first step:

• Gaslighting is one successful way that manipulators get their own way – it can make you doubt what you heard or felt when someone tries to create a different reality. It’s a powerful tactic where they might even completely deny something that took place but stand firm in your recollection of what actually happened.
• Another strategy is to try to isolate you from other friends and/or family because they understand the power of numbers. After all, when you stand alone you’re easier to control and it makes it harder to ask advice from others.

• Another thing they’re brilliant at is playing the victim – by casting themselves as being unfairly treated, they trigger our desire to comfort and often protect them but this is just a way of swaying you round to what they want – don’t let their theatrics change your thinking.
• Then there’s guilt-tripping – they do this by pointing out how much they’ve done for you and how much they’re hurting because you don’t seem grateful enough. That’s a great strategy for them because it’s designed to make you feel bad but don’t fall for it.
• If a manipulator feels their control is slipping away, they often resort to some sort of intimidation like raising their voices, becoming aggressive or threatening you with repercussions.
• Manipulators have an uncanny knack for remembering your past mistakes and using them to shift blame onto you. They want to divert attention away from what they’re doing and are clever in the way they manage to do this. If you challenge their behaviour, rather than address it, they respond by digging up one of your own past errors. Don’t fall for it – stay focused on the matter in hand.
• Something very clever that manipulators do is suddenly act in an extremely kind way, perhaps offering to help you with something or suggesting going for a drink together to catch up. These bouts of kindness may be genuine but it can be another manipulation to get you to forget why you were standing up for yourself in the first place.
• Finally, they might suddenly agree with you and you might think “At last, they’ve understood what I’ve been saying” but by agreeing with you, they encourage you to think there’s been a change but, as you may have found, things carry on in the same way as before. Think about that before you drop your guard.

Standing up for yourself isn’t wrong, nor is it unkind. Keep to your boundaries and don’t let anyone convince you that you’re mad or bad to do so. 

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