There are often challenges, even in good relationships, and there can be times when people take advantage of you. They break boundaries and becoming controlling, sometimes without really realising that they’re doing so.

This can be the case whether it’s with friends, family, a partner or online but if you depend on these people for emotional support, it can be very hard, chipping away at your self-esteem. Maybe a recent event or holiday has highlighted how your own feelings and needs don’t seem to matter and you realise that you don’t want to carry on like this. If you’re asked to do something that you’re not keen on you and then feel pressurised to agree with whoever’s asking you, and particularly if this happens on a regular basis, then chances are that you’re being emotionally blackmailed. In other words, emotional blackmail often means that someone who’s close to you uses any feelings you have about obligation and guilt to get their own way.

This can include:

• You feeling as if you’re tip-toeing around them – if you try to reason with them, it causes friction and you start to cave in and agree to whatever they’re demanding.
• They’re manipulative and although they can appear charming so that you’ll comply with whatever they want, they’re actually quite threatening and you feel as if you’ll be punished if you don’t go along with what they want.
• Them guilt-tripping you – if you have a healthy relationship there’s give and take but with emotional blackmail it’s different.  They take advantage of your generosity and good nature, saying things like “Is it so unreasonable that I want you to do this for me?” or “You obviously don’t think as much of me as I thought”. You then feel that their demands are almost reasonable and that you’re being selfish.
• Them never seeming to give up – it happens a lot and they keep repeating their behaviour until your own self-esteem is at an all-time low.

So, if you’ve started to recognise this pattern and want to make changes, how can you go about it? Changing patterns of your own behaviour isn’t easy but this is what it will take because the person or people who are using this tactic will rarely stop of their own accord. So, here are a few strategies to start you off:

1. Begin by putting down some boundaries – recognise that you’re good enough as you are without complying with every unreasonable demand made of you. Practise assertive responses such as “I can’t do that this time” and keep repeating it to yourself before trying it out when people are pressurising you.
2. Explain that they’re not taking you seriously and that you need to be treated with respect.
3. Find supportive friends that you can confide in, telling them how you feel pressurised, and work towards feeling stronger and more confident.
4. If trying to reason with them doesn’t seem to be working, try to distance yourself from them so that you’re no longer in a vulnerable position.
5. Recognise that things will only improve if you continue to be assertive and be consistent in this new approach. Don’t allow yourself to be worn down.

Hopefully after a few months (or even weeks!), you’ll feel a lot more confident in yourself and able to recognise and deal with any emotional bullies in your life.

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