Much as you love your partner, you may well find them difficult some of the time or even most of the time. Maybe when you first met, they seemed charming and fun although a little challenging (which you possibly found very appealing in some ways!). But now, you’re finding that you’re second-guessing yourself, doubting your own decisions and, somehow, it’s not so much fun.

If you’ve tried being considerate, making excuses for them and not expecting too much, you may find yourself feeling hopeless at times. If your partner has the following traits, it’s time to find different strategies:

• Communication and discussion is vague – decisions that you made together somehow get changed or even denied.
• They often blame you for things – it’s never their fault. Actually, they may not always blame you; sometimes it’s their family, their friends, colleagues or even the weather but whoever or whatever is to blame, they’re not accountable and can’t be wrong.
• Instead of acting on facts, they only respond to their own feelings rather than what actually happened. This means that they make assumptions about what you’re feeling, whether it’s about your motives or your needs, and truly seem to believe to that they know you better than you know yourself!
• They’re incapable of self-reflection – looking inwards is almost impossible for them.
• Every disagreement turns nasty because any conversation that they can’t control will end with you giving in sooner or later, either because of an argument or because they become silent, ignoring you (passive-aggressive behaviour).

So, if you recognise this all too well, how can you deal with it?

Step one is to try to get the root of what is wrong – is there a bigger underlying problem? Try to see things from their perspective and reverse your roles to try to understand how they feel. Try to find the middle ground but make sure that your own needs are taken into account as well.

Keep calm, however hard that is, but if this is important to you, stick to what you feel is right stating your point of view calmly.

Try to understand their personality – everyone is different and things that you find easy to cope with, they may find very challenging. If you can find new and more positive ways to react, it will help to keep things smooth between you. That’s not to say that you have to be a pushover – if you honestly feel that you’ve been reasonable, don’t capitulate and fall in with what they want. You may have to withstand a day or two of silence which is unpleasant, but in the long-term, it might be worth it.

Pick your battles – not everything is worth arguing about so choose the issues that are really important to you and don’t waste your energy fighting about small things.

If they want space, try to give them that because if you have a balance in your lives, sometimes pursuing different hobbies and doing things in different ways, it can be very positive for your relationship.

If your partner is usually kind and loving, try to focus on that as much as possible.

Unfortunately, if you’ve given it your best shot over a period of time and things continue as they were, it might be time to walk away but before you do that, couples counselling is another option that will help you to clarify the situation between you. Although one or both of you might be resistant to this, it could be just the thing to put you back on the right track or clarify the fact that it’s best to separate – not easy, but sometimes the only reasonable option left.

Hopefully you’ve found this blog helpful and interesting – if so, I’d love it if you bought me a coffee ☕ (see tab at top of page). Thank you so much.

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