A lot of us have been guilty of scrolling online to see how other couples manage their relationships or, if social media isn’t your thing, possibly comparing your relationship to those of your friends. While this can be harmless, it can also lead to unhealthy expectations. 

If your relationship is in its early stages, you’re probably pretty optimistic about your goals for the future being similar to those of your partner, but have you checked that out? If you’re in a long-term committed relationship, you’ll know that your priorities, and therefore your goals, are probably very different now from when you started out together.

The best way forward in a new relationship is talking about your priorities and what’s important to you. That means discussing whether or not you want children – this can be a big sticking point because although one of you might agree to defer having a family, actually not wanting children is a very different thing and although it’s tempting to think that the other person might change their mind, you can’t count on that; nor should you because even if there’s a lot of love between you, it doesn’t mean that one or other of you wants children. In the same way, if one of you travels a lot for work and that’s likely to continue, but the other one wants to live in one place and put down roots, a conversation needs to be had about this difference. One important thing is to be true to yourself because if you’re not, ultimately it will prove hard to be happy in your relationship.

Peoples’ priorities change and giving your partner permission to change and grow isn’t always easy. If they change what they thought they wanted, try to treat them with encouragement and kindness; in other words, in the same way that you’d like to be treated if you changed what you thought you wanted. Sometimes, one of you has to give up your dreams for a while so that your partner can achieve their goals – that can be a big sacrifice but easier if you’re confident that your partner will do the same for you in the future. Before you agree to that, look back on other decisions in your relationship – is your partner usually reliable and do they keep to what they said they’d do? If you’re the one making concessions, are you likely to bring this up every time you argue, brooding on whatever’s happened and not enjoying your relationship in the moment?

The main thing is that each of you has to have satisfaction as a couple otherwise it will impact the relationship itself. Having different life goals can leave you wondering if your relationship will work at all so if you can resolve these in the early stages of your relationship, all the better. If you’re several years down the line, compromise and talking to each other is the key to understanding what’s happing. This is the time to focus on what you have in common and what brings you together when times are hard.

Don’t sweat the small stuff – rather than focusing on the little things, look at the bigger picture. Where do you want to be as a couple and a family in five years’ time? Try to bring your attention back to all the similarities that you share.

It’s almost impossible to come to an agreement on everything in your lives but there’s often room for compromise, so is there a way to meet in the middle? You should never give in and say “yes” if it goes totally against what you really want. Compromise means both of you giving a little bit, but not everything.

We all change and even have the right to change but that’s not easy for anyone concerned. You might even surprise yourself with the changes you want! Being open-minded is helpful, as is growing together as opposed to growing apart and being open to new ideas.

If you can’t find a reasonable compromise, couples counselling might well support you along the way – sometimes it helps to have another qualified person to support both of you whilst you look at the different options and how things might be resolved between you.

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