Most of us have had a romantic breakup in our lives and it’s often absolutely devastating but if one or both of you have decided that your relationship has run its course, then you may have to eventually accept that even if you don’t want to.

I’ve written about some aspects of this before – see my blog ‘Can You Still Be Friends With Your Ex?’ posted on 13 July where I write about how you can stay friendly as long as certain boundaries are kept.  If you read that blog you’ll remember that even though you will almost certainly miss them, you’ll both need time and space to deal with all the difficult emotions.

If, after some time, you want to try to be friends, try not to fall into old patterns and habits. To maintain a friendship, you have to behave like friends so that will mean not doing things that you used to do when you were a couple. If you find yourself thinking “It’s like we never broke up”, it’s probably best to get back to maintaining a distance again.

Better still, avoid using social media so much – taking some time away from it can be very helpful and will mean that you won’t  end up looking at photos of ‘perfect couples’ as well as those of your ex, possibly with someone new. Try not to announce your breakup on social media and even though you might want to share the fact that your ex lied and cheated or did something else hurtful, it’s best not to go down that road.

So, if you’ve sorted that out in your mind, is this the time to do things differently, thinking about you and what you want. Even if you have children or other responsibilities, there are often things that you can do to put yourself first sometimes. In other words, the breakup can shake things up and often for the better!

You can use this time to create a regular self-care routine so that each day you do something that brings you some happiness. This can be seeing friends even though that can be hard – if  you were used to having someone to come home to after an evening out, it’s difficult not to dwell on that, especially if it was often a happy experience. But, you can do it and it will get easier with time (you may not believe this but give it a try anyway!). Spend some time on a hobby that you may have neglected and start exercising. If meditation’s more your thing, try to find some meditation on YouTube or download an app. to encourage you along the way.

This is the time to open up your curtains and let in the light, burn a scented candle as well as having a shower using all your favourite products.

Even though it’s hard to sleep well after a breakup, try to relax before bed and resist looking at your phone for the hour before you put the light out. Then there’s comfort eating – who hasn’t resorted to carb-filled food when feeling really down? It’s tempting to get through the evenings with a glass or two of wine to help you forget what’s happened too. Consider saving these for special times or just once a week.

There’s going to be a lot of sadness, confusion and loneliness as well as anger and grief in equal doses after a breakup but if you can write down your feelings, even illustrate them, you’ll find that it will help. Talking to someone you trust can be very comforting as well.

It won’t be easy and shaking things up will take time but one day, you will hopefully find that you like your new life and every minute of each day will no longer be filled with thoughts of your ex and the life you once shared.

Hopefully you’ve found this blog helpful and interesting – if so, I’d love it if you bought me a coffee ☕ (see tab at top of page). Thank you so much.

You can see my blogs as soon as they are published (usually on Wednesdays) by pressing the ‘follow’ button and you can share them with your friends. You can also find me on LinkedIn, Instagram (samebutdifferent) and read my FB posts every week at Same But Different #samebutdifferent #relationships # issues #bloggerforever #lovewriting #livingchange #makeitcount #canidothis #canyoudothis #ukblogger #femaleblogger #irishblogger

In my last blog on 4 December, I wrote about whether you can really be friends with your ex and how, in theory, that’s possible if you both want it and already have a lot in common, especially if there’s a shared history too.

However, that’s very different from being friends in the first place but the relationship has never gone further than that, but now you’d like it to progress to something deeper, preferably including romance and sex.

First of all, if you’re in that position – you like them a lot, you’ve been friends for ages but, actually, you really fancy them and like to take things to the next level – you might feel awkward about doing anything about it. So, you need to test the water by talking to them, maybe saying that you’re feelings have changed, grown deeper, or however you want to phrase it. Remember, ‘nothing ventured, nothing gained’.

If they pull away, it’s awkward, but it’s also important not to blame yourself or think that there’s something wrong with you. Going down that path will only lead to more pain and hurt but if you can be there for them as a friend again, the awkwardness will slowly disappear. It may not be what you want but staying friends means that you’re still an important part of their life.

It won’t be easy if you’re physically attracted too them, but nor will it be impossible. It’s hard seeing someone whilst your feelings for them are still really strong, but if you really care for them, you’ll make it work.

One thing to take into account is how they told you that they didn’t like you “in that way” – if they were hurtful in what they said, you could challenge them on that otherwise it will come between you. Emphasise that it’s not what they said so much as the way they said it. Not wanting to take things further isn’t a reason to be nasty about it.

Time passing may mean that they change their minds, but don’t wait around thinking that this might happen. You’ve tested it out, they said “no” and now you have to try to get your previous friendship back on an even keel.

To do this, turn to other friends in your life and spend more time with them; try to distract yourself from what you hoped might come about and appreciate all that you’ve been through together and separately. Don’t forget all those great conversations that you’ve had, all the fun times and what you’ve learned from them. Those things are still there and for the friendship to thrive again, they need to continue. So, carry on thinking of fun things to do together, still have their best interests at heart and don’t try to ‘fix’ them.

Sometimes, people need a gentle push in a certain direction, but you can’t do that for them and it’s not healthy to even try. Any changes that they make have to come from them and be what they want. Some friendships last forever, but if this isn’t one of them, you have to try to accept that the future looks different from how you hoped. That acceptance is the key to being happy and contented in the here and now.

Hopefully you’ve found this blog helpful and interesting – if so, I’d love it if you bought me a coffee ☕ (see tab at top of page). Thank you so much.

You can see my blogs as soon as they are published (usually on Wednesdays) by pressing the ‘follow’ button and you can share them with your friends. You can also find me on LinkedIn, Instagram (samebutdifferent) and read my FB posts every week at Same But Different #samebutdifferent #relationships # issues #bloggerforever #lovewriting #livingchange #makeitcount #canidothis #canyoudothis #ukblogger #femaleblogger #irishblogger

In theory, it’s possible to stay friendly with your ex and, in some cases, it’s very reasonable – after all, if he or she was someone that you have a lot in common with, have shared different experiences with and hold the same values, why not? If you have children together, it can be especially beneficial as it helps with the flow of information and when you’re managing your different schedules (in theory at least).

But whether it actually works in practice is another thing altogether because sometimes it can make it harder to successfully put that relationship behind you if one of you starts dating other people. In an ideal world, if it’s what you both want, you’ll both find new partners and everyone will get on really well, even holidaying together and spending birthdays and Christmases together in some cases.

So this is when it can work:

• You’ve both accepted that the relationship is well and truly over.
• You both understand why you broke up.
• Your relationship with one another is no longer full of emotion – it feels similar to your other friendships.
• You can both handle appropriate boundaries and, more importantly, manage any nostalgic feelings that might come up without getting any deeper than that.
• You’re both comfortable and happy dating other people and it’s what you want for one another.

But, maybe it’s time to cut ties if:

• One of you is still secretly hoping you’ll get back together.
• You know that, really, your ex isn’t fully over you.
• You’re holding onto what you once had because you’re scared to separate your lives and start to live independently of one another.
• If you’re the one who ended it and you feel guilty about that, sensing that somehow you ‘owe’ them some attention.
• Your ex actually still occupies a lot of your time, energy and thoughts.
• The thought of them with someone else makes you feel upset.
• Being friends with them just doesn’t seem to work.

So, although you might decide that you can’t be friends at the moment, that doesn’t mean that things can’t or won’t change in the future. You might eventually come together in a new sort of friendship but that might take time, whether it be months or years ahead.

A key thing is to set some boundaries if you are hoping to be friends, such as how much information you share about your personal lives, how much time you spend alone together and how you emotionally rely on one another.

So, to sum up, give it time before you hurtle into a friendship that you’re not actually ready for, make sure you’re actually over one other and remember that any friendship will need to be different from the relationship you once had. And, it’s alright if you decide that it’s too emotionally complicated for you and hopefully you can explain that you need more time before you can be true friends. A friendship isn’t always possible and accepting that in itself is a big step forward.

Hopefully you’ve found this blog helpful and interesting – if so, I’d love it if you bought me a coffee ☕ (see tab at top of page). Thank you so much.

You can see my blogs as soon as they are published (usually on Wednesdays) by pressing the ‘follow’ button and you can share them with your friends. You can also find me on LinkedIn, Instagram (samebutdifferent) and read my FB posts every week at Same But Different #samebutdifferent #relationships # issues #bloggerforever #lovewriting #livingchange #makeitcount #canidothis #canyoudothis #ukblogger #femaleblogger #irishblogger