I’m late writing this blog – I have no idea why, except I’ve had a lot on my time and those things seem to have left less room for anything creative, including writing blogs (hopefully you find these creative, at least some of the time!).
However, it’s a good way of looking at how easily we can become stressed and have less time to do those things that nourish us emotionally and creatively. “Well, we have to earn a living/look after our children/make a cake for the school bazaar/” I hear you say, and you’re absolutely right but we DO need to check in with ourselves sometimes, have some breathing space and generally have a bit of a rest.
During the last four years, most of us have had to deal with huge amounts of stress and it’s taken a toll, even though we’re mostly getting back to some sort of normality. But if you’re finding that you’re putting off doing things more than usual, eating or sleeping more, finding everyday things overwhelming or just not looking forward to seeing friends or family, it’s time to take some time for yourself.
So if this is you, try to go for a walk alone, sit quietly and breathe slowly and steadily, have a long bath or read a book for half an hour (or a magazine if that appeals more!). You’re almost certain to start feeling more refreshed and more yourself. It will take a few days of incorporating these simple ideas into your daily routine, but you’ll notice the difference.
Hopefully you’ve found this blog helpful and interesting – if so, I’d love it if you bought me a coffee ☕ (see tab at top of page). Thank you so much.
Anyway, let me know your thoughts on it. You can see my blogs as soon as they are published (usually on Wednesdays) by pressing the ‘follow’ button and you can share them with your friends. You can also find me on LinkedIn, Instagram (samebutdifferent) and read my FB posts every week at Same But Different #samebutdifferent #relationships # issues #bloggerforever #lovewriting #livingchange #makeitcount #canidothis #canyoudothis #ukblogger #femaleblogger #irishblogger
It’s not something that always talked about openly but if you live with or love someone with mental health issues, it can be hard to know how best to support them. After all, we all like to think that we’re caring and kind (well, I haven’t met many people who admit to being uncaring and unkind!) but sometimes we can really be put to the test.
Maybe you’ve found yourself in the position of wanting to be the best you can where a partner or friend is concerned. If they’re suffering with a health issue, whether it’s mental, emotional or physical, it’s natural to want to help them as much as possible.
Some people are ‘naturals’ in these caring roles, but even then, other people’s health issues can take a toll on our own well-being. If you’ve found yourself in this position, don’t beat yourself up about it. This week, I’m going to write about helping someone with mental health issues following on from my blog on 1 December when I wrote about how physical illness can affect your relationship
If your partner or friend is having a difficult time emotionally, you may have to help them to manage day-to-day tasks that previously they found easy to do themselves. But mental health affects people in different ways, so you have to almost ‘feel’ the situation as you go along.
One of your main roles will be to encourage and support them but also to help them to seek treatment such as medication, if appropriate, counselling and joining a group focussing on what’s going on for them. Don’t let’s underestimate the support of groups – even though a lot of people are reluctant to participate, they often find that the group is a lifeline. As someone who’s trying to help them, it might well be a lifeline for you as well.
You might also need to make phone calls for them – speaking on the phone can be a challenge at the best of times, but if you’re suffering emotionally, even more so.
Another way to encourage them is to build up their confidence about making decisions (when you’re depressed and anxious, it’s hard to have faith in the decisions you make in everyday life) and reinforce every little success that they have.
You may well feel frustrated that you can’t make them happy, or better, but like any physical health condition, you can’t always find a solution so don’t put that pressure on yourself. To help them, you need to stay healthy yourself.
If it’s really hard for them to tell you how they’re feeling on a day-to-day basis, setting up a colour-code might help. This would work by getting, say, four different coloured cards with each one having a meaning that you work out together. For instance, black could mean that they’re feeling particularly vulnerable on that day, red means they’re feeling angry or irritable, yellow means that they can’t talk about it but they do need some company and blue means that though they love you, they need to be alone that day. Whatever the card that they show you means, try to respect their needs.
Over a period of time, you might be able to interpret how they’re feeling without looking at cards but more about their behaviour and expressions on a particular day.
Most of all, as I said earlier, try to be there for them to talk to as much as you can but don’t neglect yourself and other relationships, otherwise you won’t be in a position to
Hopefully you’ve found this blog helpful and interesting – if so, I’d love it if you bought me a coffee ☕ (see tab at top of page). Thank you so much.
Anyway, let me know your thoughts on it. You can see my blogs as soon as they are published (usually on Wednesdays) by pressing the ‘follow’ button and you can share them with your friends. You can also find me on LinkedIn, Instagram (samebutdifferent) and read my FB posts every week at Same But Different #samebutdifferent #relationships # issues #bloggerforever #lovewriting #livingchange #makeitcount #canidothis #canyoudothis #ukblogger #femaleblogger #irishblogger
Goodness knows, it’s Valentine’s Day and we’re only a few weeks into a new year but maybe it already feels as if you’re hitting your head against a brick wall, at least where money’s concerned. On such a day as this, who wants to think about money….but if you have financial worries, they can take the gloss off so many things.
If 2023 was a year when price increases on just about everything caught up with you and you just couldn’t live on the money you were getting or, a relationship broke up and you’re far worse off financially, it’s easy to think that life’s getting really hard. Maybe you ran your own business but it took a huge hit during the pandemic (and maybe you still haven’t recovered). If so, don’t despair….read on.
It’s rarely easy having a reduced income – okay, some people manage perfectly well and cut down on what they realised were little luxuries, but for a lot of us, it’s hard-going when we know we’ve got to economise and give up stuff that made life that bit better.
You don’t need me to give you loads of tips – there are lot of money-saving blogs you can read but what I do want to emphasise is that it doesn’t all have to be hard work. If you can work out a budget and allow for a few emergencies (new school shoes, an unexpected birthday) and try to keep to that, it’s a good start.
I’m not sure how you feel about this, but if you can stretch to lunch with a couple of friends, try to put it to them that you haven’t got vast amounts of money and would like to pay for your own lunch rather than split the bill equally. I say this from experience, having been to meals where someone has had a starter, main course and dessert as well as a glass of wine and a coffee to finish with, whilst I’ve had a pizza and salad, along with tap water. How is splitting the bill and paying half the total fair in that case? Well, it’s not and although it takes courage to speak up, it’s possible that your friend didn’t think about it before you said something. If they’re peeved, try not to get upset about it – it’s not a crime to be short of money, and no-one should have to suffer embarrassment because of it.
A lot of money-saving blogs emphasise walking, cycling or taking the bus to save money on transport. This is a great idea if there’s plenty of public transport available but if you live in a rural area it’s not so easy so don’t beat yourself up if you have to take the car. Look online to see the cheapest petrol in your area and fill up when you’re going past the garage rather than making a special journey to get it.
Anything that you manage to save on, put the amount into an old coffee jar or tin…..it all mounts up. Seriously, it might have been something that your mother, or even your grandmother, did but it has its merits even now.
Having said that, one thing that can really help is if you can give yourself a small reward if you keep to your budget. Just a large coffee in a nice coffee shop is enough to keep you going when you’re really trying hard to get by.
When you’re passing a shop, or shops, and there are some gorgeous things in the window, ask yourself “Do I really need that?” before you go in and buy something.
Sell any of your old or practically unused items on FB or eBay – every little helps. In fact, that could be your new mantra this year!
Anything that you manage to save on, put the amount into an old coffee jar or tin…..it all mounts up.
So, I have given you a few tips, but hopefully not too many to have made this a boring read. Some of these are things that I’ve found work for me, so I hope that you find them helpful without being overwhelming.
Lastly, let me know what you think! If you’ve found this blog interesting or otherwise, let me know.
Hopefully you’ve found this blog helpful and interesting – anyway, let me know your thoughts on it. You can see my blogs as soon as they are published (usually on Wednesdays) by pressing the ‘follow’ button and you can share them with your friends. You can also find me on LinkedIn, Instagram (samebutdifferent) and read my FB posts every week at Same But Different #samebutdifferent #relationships # issues #bloggerforever #lovewriting #livingchange #makeitcount #canidothis #canyoudothis #ukblogger #femaleblogger #irishblogger
In our society, it’s often easier for people to shift blame to others than being accountable for what they’ve said or done. This is because it allows them to avoid their own difficult emotions like shame and guilt. Shifting responsibility in this way validates those individuals who want to avoid owning up to make mistakes – it’s a way of escaping the consequences of what they’ve said or done.
There are usually reasons why this happens, often to do with their own background where perhaps blame was a big part of their family dynamics or where they were taught to fight for everything and not give up. However, whatever the reasons, this behaviour can make life very difficult for those on the receiving end, not least because other people often collude with the bad behaviour to stop the focus being put on them instead. Some phrases that toxic people use are:
“You’re over-sensitive” – easy to say, this is often used by the toxic person, but the truth is that your sensitivity is often due to the fact that they’re insensitive and steam-roller over your feelings. It’s important to challenge any of your self-doubt when they say this because it’s their lack of empathy that’s the real issue.
“You’re being totally unreasonable” – this is often their response to you trying to put down some boundaries. They argue that their actions are totally justified.
“It’s all your fault” – this stems from the toxic person’s refusal to take responsibility for their actions. In other words, it’s your attitude that’s the problem. If you’re ever going to navigate a relationship like this, at work or in your personal life, it essential to recognise that you’re not always at fault, but that they’re deflecting blame and have an inability to accept responsibility for anything that they say or do.
“You always make a mess of things” – this is another way of them avoiding responsibility for what they’ve said or done. Despite your best efforts, things go pear-shaped because they’re derailed by the other person interfering and insisting that their way is best.
“You’re making a big deal out of nothing” – this is classic gaslighting when a toxic person belittles your concerns which are often due to their dismissive behaviour.
They’re critical of the decisions you make but cloak this with suggesting that they’re only trying to help you (if only……).
They cast blame without asking for an explanation but, as you may have found, your explanation is never adequate.
Toxic people are often (but not always) very active in community activities and they like to take the lead so that they can exercise more control.
They befriend people that they perceive are ‘needy’ or have less power than themselves do.
Lastly, but certainly not least, if you still don’t agree with them after they’ve tried to persuade you that your ideas or thoughts are wrong, they lose their temper and shout or become very aggressive. Frightening!
Most of us have met people like this and, interestingly, they’re often admired by the wider community who don’t see the other side of this person until they themselves come under fire.
So, that’s how you can recognise a toxic person, but what can you do about it?
First of all, it’s alright to reject their ‘advice’ (often unasked for); this can mean finding your way through difficult conversations whilst standing your ground and setting your own personal boundaries.
Toxic people often complain about others and always have a new story about someone who, in their eyes, has done something wrong. If they turn their attention to you, refuse to accept blame-shifting phrases and try responding with a simple “I’m sorry that you feel that way. I don’t agree with you and I think we need to leave it at that”. They probably won’t be able to leave it though as they have to be right and have the last word.
At this point, you can only refuse to engage with them any longer, walking away if necessary. It’s sad if you’ve had good times and a long history together, but respecting yourself and refusing to be dominated by a toxic person is paramount.
This is the time to move towards fostering much healthier relationships in the future.
Hopefully you’ve found this blog helpful and interesting – if so, I’d love it if you bought me a coffee ☕ (see tab at top of page). Thank you so much.
Anyway, let me know your thoughts on it. You can see my blogs as soon as they are published (usually on Wednesdays) by pressing the ‘follow’ button and you can share them with your friends. You can also find me on LinkedIn, Instagram (samebutdifferent) and read my FB posts every week at Same But Different #samebutdifferent #relationships # issues #bloggerforever #lovewriting #livingchange #makeitcount #canidothis #canyoudothis #ukblogger #femaleblogger #irishblogger
In my last blog (posted on 3 January 2024) I wrote about how your relationship might have broken up around the time of Christmas or New Year and how you could deal with this. Even if you were the one instigating the breakup, it’s rarely an easy thing to do. This leads onto the question of how do we know if we’re with the right person. We all like to think that we have a good relationship but it can be hard to come to terms with the fact that it’s not always perfect. So does that mean that you’re not right together or that you should split up?
Sometimes, questioning what you have together is normal, even healthy, but what about if you’re having thoughts about someone else too? These sort of questions can consume you if you let them but, rest assured, that they’re pretty normal even if you feel guilty and confused about them at times.
It’s inevitable that we find other people attractive at times but whether you act on it or not is a different thing. Sometimes it’s because we think, subconsciously at least, that the other person outside our relationship might fulfil something that isn’t being fulfilled by our partner. This could be affection, love, sex, talking more or shared interests.
Also, something might have happened recently in your relationship that means you feel a disconnection with your partner. This might be the birth of a baby, a new job or a commitment that means you have less time to spend with one another.
If you’re serious about the relationship that you’re in, give yourself time and then try to address what’s been happening. Sometimes though, we just fancy someone else even though we know that taking it further would be disastrous!
If the other person is someone that you don’t see all that often, try to avoid running into them when possible, tempting though it might be to be around them. If it’s someone at work, or a neighbour (even a cousin or relative of your partner), it’s worth thinking about the changes you need to make, like not seeing them quite as regularly, or avoiding certain communal areas at work. It’s easier to focus on what you have already if the other person isn’t around so much.
Does this seem rather contrived? Possibly, but as a counsellor and psychotherapist I saw the misery caused by one partner acting on an impulse and ruining their relationship, if not forever, for many months ahead.
However, thinking about someone else endlessly is a signal that something needs to change, either in you or in your relationship so start talking to your partner, even if you’ve tried this before and things stayed the same. It’s an opportunity to make things better.
If you DO want to continue with your partner, ask yourself if you still have fun together, do you spend as much time with one another as you used to and have you been taking one another for granted. Can you be your true self with them? Now is a good time to look at how you might improve things between you.
At the beginning, falling in love was probably easy – it’s a heady feeling and one that enhances our lives hugely. But we often don’t have all the information about that person at the start and as time goes on, our partner’s faults are often all too easy to see. You have to balance what you know about them, positives and negatives, against the life you have and what you want. If that’s moving on together, it might need more work but it doesn’t mean that your relationship is doomed by any means. It’s flawed at times, but that’s because we’re all flawed as human beings and every relationship ebbs and flows. Also, lastly, we have a lot more expectations of a partnership now than people appeared to have years ago (some people might refute this!) so it’s hard to get it right all of the time.
What do you think? Let me know if you have any thoughts on this – maybe you’re going through something like this at the moment. Hopefully this blog has helped you sort out some things in your mind.
Hopefully you’ve found this blog helpful and interesting – if so, I’d love it if you bought me a coffee ☕ (see tab at top of page). Thank you so much.
Anyway, let me know your thoughts on it. You can see my blogs as soon as they are published (usually on Wednesdays) by pressing the ‘follow’ button and you can share them with your friends. You can also find me on LinkedIn, Instagram (samebutdifferent) and read my FB posts every week at Same But Different #samebutdifferent #relationships # issues #bloggerforever #lovewriting #livingchange #makeitcount #canidothis #canyoudothis #ukblogger #femaleblogger #irishblogger
Same But Different. 