There’s rarely a good time to break up but if it happened before or over Christmas, somehow it seems harder. Everyone else seems happy and coupled-up and maybe you were the same a few weeks ago – looking forward to the Christmas break, having a few days off from work and spending times together and now this. If your partner was the one who decided to end it you might still be trying to come to terms with it and maybe New Year with more celebrations seemed like the last straw. All that, only to find out that he/she has already started seeing someone else!

How can that have happened so quickly? Were they seeing that person before they broke it off with you? These questions can haunt you in the middle of the night or any time you get a moment to think about them. You can look them up on FB, listen to your friends and endlessly wonder if your ex is as happy with them as you were together.

The feelings you experience can be gut-wrenching and pull at you all the time.

Whether it’s a ‘rebound relationship’ or whether they waited a few months or longer before getting together with someone new, there will be friends who will probably tell you about it if you all live close to one another. It’s tempting to ask lots of questions but, if possible, try not to – it won’t help and everything you find out will make things more painful, not less so.

So, to help you keep your sanity and stop you going into a dark place, here are a few ideas to keep you going along the way:

• Unless they left you for the other person, in which case it’s usually a betrayal, realise that your ex has the right to see someone new. It might seem unfair that while you’re struggling to get over the break-up they’ve already found someone new but people often do this because it helps them get through.
• It might be the right time for them, if not for you. It may seem callous that they’ve done this so quickly, but it often happens – a lot of people (not all) prefer to be part of a couple rather than being alone.
• Try to remember why you broke up, even if you don’t completely understand it yet. There was a reason although you probably can’t see it at the moment. At least you are no longer the one who has to put up with their lack of punctuality, spending habits, drinking or any number of other things that you now realise you found irritating!
• It’s not a race to see who finds someone new first – you can’t speed through heartbreak and if you’re not in a place where you can envisage getting together with someone new so quickly, give yourself time.
• Don’t compare yourself with the new person – it’s tempting to do so and even to try to understand what your ex sees in that relationship but you’ll probably never know so don’t torture yourself about it.
• Avoid stalking them online – the internet has definitely made it harder to work through feelings of rejection because we can see updates about our exes lives. If you see that your ex has already gone on holiday with that person, you will relive the heartbreak. Try not to have even the tiniest peek at their profiles and photos.
• Accept that you’re bound to feel a bit strange – it’s going to feel weird but that’s actually  normal and not necessarily a signal that you want them back.
• Pull the focus back to you – this is the time to catch up with friends and family, find a new interest and enjoy what you have, doing what you want to do.

Hopefully you’ve found this blog helpful and interesting – if so, I’d love it if you bought me a coffee ☕ (see tab at top of page). Thank you so much.

Anyway, let me know your thoughts on it. You can see my blogs as soon as they are published (usually on Wednesdays) by pressing the ‘follow’ button and you can share them with your friends. You can also find me on LinkedIn, Instagram (samebutdifferent) and read my FB posts every week at Same But Different #samebutdifferent #relationships # issues #bloggerforever #lovewriting #livingchange #makeitcount #canidothis #canyoudothis #ukblogger #femaleblogger #irishblogger

Wishing everyone a very happy Christmas and a joyful New Year.

This sounds easy doesn’t it? But actually, maintaining and reinforcing boundaries in relationships is a hard thing for a lot of people to manage. Part of it is about not being able to say “no” to other people and not wanting to disappoint them. This is even if it’s at the expense of your own energy and time. Sounds familiar? I’ve sometimes found putting down boundaries hard myself so I know it’s easy to get into that role of not respecting yourself enough.

Here are a few things to try:

• First of all, you need to give yourself permission to set some boundaries, rather than falling in with what someone is asking of you. For instance, if you feel that you should say “yes” to a friend’s requests for help because that’s what being a good friend means, try to work out whether that’s always realistic and necessary. If you’re always the one doing the giving, try to say something like “I can’t fit that in this week, but I might be able to next month”.
• It’s difficult to set good boundaries until you’re sure of where you stand – everyone has physical, mental, emotional and spiritual limits. Think about what you can accept and sometimes tolerate and what makes you feel uncomfortable and follow those through.
• Tune into what you want – resentment usually comes about when we feel unappreciated or taken advantage of. Or, it might be that someone is always pushing their own views and values onto you. It’s alright to say “I don’t really agree with that” – there doesn’t need to be an argument about it; you’re entitled to an opinion and just because someone might be more articulate than you, doesn’t necessarily make them right!
• How people grew up, along with their role within their family, often has a big effect on how you deal with boundaries. If you’re brought up to always focus on the needs of others, it can seem like the norm to always put others first. The main thing is that relationships are reciprocal and that’s a hard balance in some families. If you are in the habit of always putting others first, in the home or at work, there might be surprise or resentment if you stop doing that. People may want to know why you’ve changed and it’s up to you as to how you respond, but honouring your own needs is really important.
• If someone has a similar communication style to your own, you probably don’t need a direct approach but with people who have a different cultural background or personality, you may need a more direct approach. However, bear in mind that one person’s healthy way of communicating might feel disrespectful to another. Whatever the situation though, it’s alright to have boundaries and make them clear.
• There are bound to be times when you lapse, but making your own self-care is a priority here. By that I mean, recognising the importance of your own feelings and giving yourself permission to put yourself first sometimes.
• Finally, establishing boundaries takes time – start with something small that isn’t too threatening and gradually build up to more challenging boundaries. In that way, it won’t feel too overwhelming.

Hopefully you’ve found this blog helpful and interesting – if so, if so, I’d love it if you bought me a coffee ☕ (see tab at top of page). Thank you so much.

Anyway, let me know your thoughts on it. You can see my blogs as soon as they are published (usually on Wednesdays) by pressing the ‘follow’ button and you can share them with your friends. You can also find me on LinkedIn, Instagram (samebutdifferent) and read my FB posts every week at Same But Different #samebutdifferent #relationships # issues #bloggerforever #lovewriting #livingchange #makeitcount #canidothis #canyoudothis #ukblogger #femaleblogger #irishblogger

It may have taken you some time to realise that you’re sharing your life with someone who isn’t really available for you on an emotional level. Maybe you were so in love in the early days that you thought that their reticence was due to them having been hurt before or because they came from a family that didn’t demonstrate their feelings towards one another.
Whatever the reason, over time living with someone who’s emotional distant can take its toll and it’s not just women who complain about this as men can also find their partners disconnected on a deeper level.

Ideally, it’s better to deal with this early on in the relationship when you start to notice that they’re always guarded when it comes to their emotions; it’s a good idea to let them know how you feel about it. Be clear about what you expect and want from them and if they’re willing to be open with you, the relationship has a good chance of developing.

However, if you’re some years down the line and things haven’t changed you may well feel very disappointed because most of us need strong relationships where feelings are expressed openly. It’s natural to want deep and meaningful interactions with the person we love.

You may find yourself thinking “They seem completely oblivious to my feelings”, “What does it take to get through to them?” or “They care more about their work/the children than they do about me”.

So if this is you and you want to stay with your partner (they’ve got lots of good points and you’re generally compatible), before you get completely disillusioned, how can you manage that? Well, you could try the following and see if things improve:

• Although you may have done so many times before, encourage them to sit down and try to find out what’s happening. It may be that they’ve always been like this, but if you’ve tried talking many times before and they want to change it may be that they’ll need to access counselling to learn how to open up to you.
• Having said that, once you’ve tried to ‘fix it’ and found that you just can’t (we can’t really change a person – they need to do it themselves), try to work out whether you might be able to get used to it. I’m not suggesting that you tolerate something that you find completely untenable, but it may be that they have a lot of good points and it’s worth concentrating on those, rather than focussing on their lack of emotions.
• Shift your focus: give them time to think over what you’ve said and then change the focus to yourself by getting involved in things that interest you, making sure that you’re busy and happy doing things that leave you feeling fulfilled.
• Realise and accept that you can only do so much – if your partner cannot contribute to your relationship in a way that fulfils at least some of your emotional needs, you may need to think about the future and whether you want to live like that. People do manage this because they feel that the positives outweigh the negatives, but you’re the only one who can make that ultimate decision.

Hopefully you’ve found this blog helpful and interesting – if so, IF SO I’D LOVE IT IF YOU BOUGHT ME A COFFEE (see tab at top of page).

Anyway, let me know your thoughts on it. You can see my blogs as soon as they are published (usually on Wednesdays) by pressing the ‘follow’ button and you can share them with your friends. You can also find me on LinkedIn, Instagram (samebutdifferent) and read my FB posts every week at Same But Different #samebutdifferent #relationships # issues #bloggerforever #lovewriting #livingchange #makeitcount #canidothis #canyoudothis #ukblogger #femaleblogger #irishblogger

This happens to a lot of people – their partner is still friendly with his/her ex and some people are fine with this but others hate it and see it as a threat. What do you think about it?

It’s natural to assume something is going on if your partner is still friends with their ex (or exes) but try to bear in mind that a lot of people find it a perfectly healthy situation, especially as a lot of breakups are filled with drama so staying friendly can be seen as a bit of an achievement.

However, not all such friendships are healthy, especially if some feelings are unresolved and one person hopes there’s a chance that they’ll get back together.

In general (and this might not apply to you and your partner) it’s okay if:

• Both of them have clear boundaries – for instance, they don’t keep texting one another every day or expect the other one to change plans for them.
• They share a lot of mutual friends and there’s a good chance that everyone will meet up and some point.
• Your partner and their ex actually started out as friends anyway – It’s often easier to go back to being friends then.
• They have children together – being on friendly terms is better for everyone concerned, but particularly for the children.
• They work together – it’s better if they’re on friendly terms when they’re working and it might be impossible for them to avoid one another in the working environment, besides which, it’s difficult for other colleagues if there’s an ongoing atmosphere.
• If they broke up years ago and have redefined their relationship so that they can meet up as two people who get on well but have no desire to get back together.

But what if it’s not like that? For instance, it’s not okay if:

• Your partner turns to their ex if he/she is having a hard time with you. It’s unhealthy and disloyal because turning to their ex can become a habit – one which you probably don’t want to encourage!
• Their ex is having a hard time letting go or moving on. That’s not healthy for anyone involved.
• Your partner and their ex don’t include you – in that case, trust your gut instinct and speak up about it. They may say that it’s alright and call you ‘jealous’ or ‘paranoid’, but if you feel that something’s going on behind your back, it’s putting a strain on your own relationship.
• If their relationship was unhealthy anyway, staying in touch as friends can prove to be quite toxic for everyone concerned.
• Their ex isn’t happy about the relationship you now have with him/her. Maybe they’ve said nasty things about you and shown a lack of respect, in which case it’s not healthy for your partner to remain in contact.

So maybe it’s fine for people to be on friendly terms with their ex, but it’s easy to cross the line, so if something is making you feel uncomfortable, speak up and be honest about your feelings. Communication between you and your partner is the key to your relationship becoming stronger and more committed as time goes on.

Hopefully you’ve found this blog interesting – IF SO, I’D BE DELIGHTED IF YOU’D BUY ME A COFFEE (see tab at top of page).

Anyway, let me know your thoughts about today’s post. You can see my blogs as soon as they are published (usually on Wednesdays) by pressing the ‘follow’ button and you can share them with your friends. You can also find me on LinkedIn, Instagram (samebutdifferent) and read my FB posts every week at Same But Different #samebutdifferent #relationships # issues #bloggerforever #lovewriting #livingchange #makeitcount #canidothis #canyoudothis #ukblogger #femaleblogger #irishblogger