Category Archives: Anxiety and Depression

Sorting Out Your Finances As A Couple

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 “Money can’t buy you happiness” is one of those sayings most of us have grown up hearing although maybe an add-on should be …….” but lack of it can make you very miserable, especially in our culture”.

That sounds longwinded though and doesn’t give us much hope if we’re really struggling with money.  Is this struggle better or worse if you’re part of a couple?  Everyone has different ideas – it can be good to share your worries and feelings with a partner, but not if they’re totally unsympathetic, dismissive or unworried themselves.

For most of us, when we first meet our partners, money is one of the last things we want to talk about.  Other things are more of a priority because, after all, we don’t know if this relationship will ultimately work out.  So, interests in common, attitudes towards our own families, friendships and how compatible we are sexually often take precedence.

However, more of us are now experiencing financial uncertainty, hardship and unemployment than in previous decades and it’s time to talk about the reality of money issues before they develop into something that can ruin our relationships.

Someone’s financial habits are an incredible insight into his or her values and ethics. That doesn’t mean that having a lousy credit score is a reason to break up, but if you find that your new love interest doesn’t handle money responsibly, you have to question what else he or she isn’t going to be upfront about.  Most importantly, don’t think they’ll change overnight – they won’t, even with you loving them to distraction.  That will see you through for a while but probably not long-term!

Our attitudes towards money are often formed when we’re still children, even though these weren’t conscious thoughts and attitudes.  If you come from a family where people enjoyed their money by taking regular holidays, eating out and buying clothes without much thought about future security, it can be hard to understand a partner whose ideas can seem ‘penny-pinching’ and ‘tight’ because they refuse to waste food, only buy clothes when they need them are already buying their own house when you meet them.

This is the time to talk about deeply held values, feelings about sacrifice and possible mutual goals regarding the future.  If you find talking about money difficult, it will pose even more of a problem if one of you is made redundant in the future and your income is effectively halved.

When someone loses their job there are often feelings of panic, guilt, fear, blame and helplessness. People under this sort of stress often cease to acknowledge or even notice the kind and helpful things their partner does, only responding to irritating habits that are accentuated by worry. This in turn makes it harder to tackle a new budget and priorities. If people are honest and compassionate towards one another, they can learn to work things out and plan ahead for a better future.

A lot of relationship dynamics get played out within a changing financial environment, such as one person going on a spending-spree to get back at their partner. To build a strong future, here are some tips to help you along the way:

  • Control your spending (easier said than done for most of us!). This is one of the first ways that differences can occur – your partner takes pride in taking a flask of coffee to work whereas you like nothing better than meeting friends for a coffee or beer on the High Street.  Compromise might be one way to deal with this.

One of the biggest ‘don’ts’ is to do with credit cards – try to use them only if it is an emergency or for health care. If you have savings, try not to dip into them unless you both consider them absolutely necessary

  • If you already have debt, handle it as a couple: make a plan about how you’re going to pay off any existing debt. This may involve drawing a line in the sand -saying that your partner’s debt isn’t your problem isn’t going work. Even if the debt existed before you got together your credit rating can be negatively impacted, as well as the bottom line being how much money the two of you are paying monthly in interest charges.
  • Make a plan to pay off existing debt. Drawing a line in the sand and saying that your spouse’s debt isn’t your problem is not going to work because even if the debt existed before you married, expense absolutely necessary.
  • Try to be realistic. We’ve all heard about making a list and it can be time-consuming as well as boring, but listing your expenses does help you to cut back. When you compare your expenses to your income, it can be a wake-up call.

You won’t read this on many money forums, but adding ten percent to your expenses is a realistic way to work them out – there’s always something that happens that we haven’t budgeted for – your child wears out their shoes in three weeks (how does that happen?!), you scrape the car when you’re reversing off the main road or your mother expresses a sudden desire to have her birthday tea at the most expensive hotel in a fifty mile radius.  Adding ten percent might help you cope with one of those (although not all of them in one month!).

  • Identify where you can’t cut back and where you might be able to do so – looking for a cheaper telephone plan, eating out less, using the car less. Some people take to these ideas very enthusiastically, deciding to grow their own vegetables or do more home baking – take it slowly, one step at a time. What you started with zeal in September can look very unenticing by January.

  • Your bank account(s)
    Here’s how I suggest every couple organises their cash flow: Create three accounts—one for you, one for your partner, and one joint fund. Once you’ve determined the total cost of your shared living expenses, both of you need to contribute your portion of these costs to the joint account each month, based on your share of household income.

  • Finally, try not to run away from your problems – it will just make your situation worse. Don’t try to escape from your unemployment and financial problems. Overeating, smoking, drinking, over spending, not sleeping, etc. will only make your situation worse. Remember the importance of taking care of yourselves, both emotionally and physically. That means regular sleep, a healthy diet, exercise, taking care of yourselves and each other and, most of all, having FUN!

Just How Much Is Acceptable In A Relationship?

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Just how much is acceptable in a relationship?

Of course, the answer to  how much is acceptable differs from one person to the next. What one person considers ‘normal’, another might find completely obnoxious! Sometimes, it can be hard to work out what you  you consider acceptable, especially if you’re in a long-term relationship where it’s often easier to comply with your partner rather than have yet another argument. We can all become worn down by negative aspects in our own homes and put up with things that we’d once have found abhorrent.

When you have a long shared history and have invested years of your life in another person, it’s often easy to overlook or even excuse their behaviour. Maybe you’re afraid of starting again on your own, telling your family or having to find new friends. However, there are certain behaviours that are pretty much always unacceptable and if you’ve talked them through with your partner before and things haven’t changed, it’s probable that they’re not going to.

Here are some that you shouldn’t have to put up with:

Inconsistency – if you find you’re being smothered in affection one day and almost ignored the next, that’s very unpredictable. Most relationships require some sort of stability and if you never know where you are from one day to the next, if can cause mental turmoil. Some people are moodier than others but if they say they want commitment one day and then turn that on its head the next, it’s hard to feel secure with them and, ultimately, it’s unacceptable.

Being treated like a servant – it’s normal to help one another out and even have separate roles if that’s what suits both of you, but when one person leaves a lot of mess around for the other one to constantly pick up and clean, there’s a big element of being taken for granted. It’s not acceptable for one person in the relationship to be taking on the majority of the chores, responsibilities and perhaps bills unless their partner is ill and unable to contribute. If this is happening to you, don’t feel that you have to put up with it!

Cheating – if you’ve agreed to have an ‘open relationship’, fair enough but if you agreed to be monogamous and then your partner cheats, you have to decide whether to work through it or separate. Just know that you’re under no obligation to put up with cheating (which includes sexting), even if it was a one-off incident. If you decide to give things another go, then that’s a decision for both of you to make, but basically, cheating isn’t acceptable.

Lying – so most of us tell the occasional lie, not just to our partners but to other people as well. It’s when it becomes the norm and you find that your partner often lies to other people (their best friend or their family), then it’s a cause for concern. People who habitually lie usually tell other people what they want to hear, often to get what they want. If your partner lies to other people, he/she probably lies to you as well.

Ultimatums – it’s normal to have discussions where your ideas don’t match up but it’s not normal to deliver some sort of ultimatum such as “if we don’t have a baby in another year, it’s over” or “if we don’t move back to my home town, I’m finished”. It’s never going to be helpful to put down deadlines and the other person rarely responds positively. No-one likes to be threatened with ultimatums – they threaten love and affection in relationships.

Controlling behaviour – if you’ve noticed that your partner tries to control you or put you down (in fact, make you feel bad in any way), that’s emotional abuse/controlling behaviour. If they blame you for all their problems or frequently threaten to leave you, that can feel as if you’re losing all control in your life, which often leads to low self-esteem.

Refusal to talk – it’s key to most relationships to be able to communicate, even if the subject is a difficult one. If you find that your partner refuses to talk about anything that they consider to be a tough subject, they’re disregarding your feelings, especially if the subject is bothering you. Healthy relationships need healthy discussions.

Unsupportive – you’re supposed to be in a team which means supporting each other’s ambitions and dreams. You’re invested in one another’s success if you share your lives and if your partner often puts you down, whether you’re alone or with other people, you don’t have to accept it. Most of us need someone who will back us up when the chips are down.

They’re often angry – most people get annoyed sometimes but irrational anger is something else. If you’re often waiting for them to erupt, you’ll be on constant edge, feeling as if you have to tiptoe around your partner, even if they’re angry with other people rather than you. If they’re not prepared to get help for their anger, maybe you need to rethink your future with them.

If, after reading the above, you still think it’s worthwhile putting up with some or all of the above, then I hope it works out well for you. However, if it encourages to think about what you’re prepared to put up with and you decide that ‘enough is enough’, you could try some counselling to talk through your feelings, before making a final decision about the future.

“Mirror, Mirror On The Wall….”

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“Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who is the fairest of them all?”. Most of us who had fairy tales read to us as children will recognise these words, uttered by Snow White’s evil stepmother. But what, exactly, was she asking? In the Grimm Brothers’ German original, she asks who’s the most beautiful in the land. We now know that she may have meant “who is the whitest” rather than the most beautiful, since white skin was associated with the aristocracy and middle classes who didn’t work outside in the sun, but were rich enough to stay inside and have servants to work for them. However, that is a debate for another day because I want to look at how much these stories affect all of us on a subconscious level.

Since the stories were published in 1812, generations of girls and boys listened to them and there have been many debates about how much fairy tales like this (think Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty…..) influence us and what messages we carry on into adulthood. In most fairy stories, if the woman is beautiful, somehow she will ‘win’ her prince.  Yes, Snow White, Cinderella and other heroines are kind as well as beautiful, but there is an underlying understanding that probably they wouldn’t have ended up ‘happy ever after’ if they hadn’t been beautiful as well.

In the same way, the prince in these stories was always ‘handsome’, which can lead young men to think that they have to be good-looking to get anywhere with women.

Nowadays, this message seems to have become ever more distorted so that a lot of young women feel that they’re not really worthwhile unless they’re pretty/attractive/desirable. Likewise with young men who often spend a lot of time worrying about whether they’re handsome enough and are wearing the ‘right’ clothes. Some of this is natural and has been going on since time began, but taken to extreme levels, it can also be dangerous. So much emphasis is now put on appearance with special apps to enhance Instagram photos and put a soft blur on them and photoshop manipulating images to improve their appearance. But life isn’t about blurring the edges and constant enhancement all the time – it’s also about people, including you, seeing things in a real way and being able to deal with imperfections. If what we see in the mirror is reflected back in a negative way, it can be very damaging. Depression is a big worry amongst teenagers and young people who often report feeling anxious and isolated.

Yes, we all want to look as good as we can, but there needs to be a limit on this so that we can enjoy each day, even if our hair needs a wash or we have a spot on our chin. Boring though it might sound, sometimes it’s better to work on your self-esteem because that will see you through, even if your appearance sometimes lets you down. So, give self-esteem a go, work on feeling better about yourself and factor in hobbies that don’t rely on your appearance but instead provide interesting and fun times with like-minded people.

Feeling Insecure?

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If someone is feeling insecure, it’s usually about experiencing a threat or inadequacy of some sort. Most people have felt it at one time or another and that’s pretty normal but when it starts to sabotage your relationship or success in your job, it starts to become very damaging. It stops peace of mind and prevents people from relaxing and being authentic and genuine – they will be asking for reassurance or be mistrusting of others’ motives and actions.

Whilst a lot of people think that the insecurity comes from something that their partner said, mostly it comes from within themselves. However, it probably started in childhood or early teens when someone was very hurt or threatened or perhaps couldn’t depend on what a parent said as they were always let down. If, growing up, children were judged harshly and criticised a lot, there’s usually a residual feeling of never being good enough.

If this is how you, or someone close to you, feels, here are some things that you can do:

  • First of all, try to build up your self-esteem – most people who feel insecure have low self-esteem and they look outside of themselves for validation. However, when you’re trying to feel good by getting approval from others, it doesn’t really address the issue and also puts a burden on your partner, friends and family. By working on your self-esteem by reading a book, doing an on-line course or having counselling can help a lot with feelings of insecurity.
  • With a partner, sometimes the feelings of insecurity are valid inasmuch as they’ve let you down before, lied to you or been unfaithfully. However, you mostly have a choice about how you deal with this and although you may not want to leave or can’t see a way to leave it because of other responsibilities, you can try to put down some boundaries and explain what the outcome will be if this continues. Although your partner may not be reliable, you can still feel secure in yourself as a good and caring human being.
  • Have some trust in yourself if the insecurity was there before you met your partner. Recognise that you don’t have to beautiful or rich to attract a good partner – your particular characteristics are the most important thing and this applies with friends and family members too. Remember the traits that you have that are valuable – this could be a good communicator, you’re funny, kind and generally a nice person. Focus on what you have to offer, rather than what you perceive as a lack of something.
  • Avoid people whom you feel insecure with – in other words, protect yourself. If a group of colleagues is very ‘cliquish’ and ‘excluding’, try to go out with them on a one-to-one basis and don’t socialise with them after work. They may feel that you’re unfriendly but this is about you, not them, and if you feel worse when you go out with them, avoid it.
  • That leads onto surrounding yourself with people who are supportive – not so that they can validate you in some way but because they ‘get’ you and you feel you have things in common and nothing to prove to them. In other words, they like you for who you are and you don’t have to pretend to be someone else in their company.

Remember, no-one can see your insecurity so sometimes imagining how you’d really like to be can help in actually being that person. Visualise how you’d be if you weren’t insecure and work towards that image. It will take time but you’ll feel better for it eventually.

How Would You Know If You Were Being Emotionally Abused?

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Emotional abuse 2

How would you know if you were suffering emotional abuse? Although we don’t always realise it, one of the most common forms of abuse is emotional although a lot of people don’t realise until it’s almost too late that they’re being affected by this. Maybe this is because it builds up over time and the victim often becomes desensitised to it. Even if it’s not intentional, insults, threats, humiliation are all parts of abuse and are often used to control another person.

Another aspect of such abuse is that it’s often minimised and although most of us learnt in childhood that “sticks and stones my break my bones, but names will never hurt me”, this isn’t true. This abuse gets right to the core of another person and attacks their sense of self.

It may include a pattern of one or more of the following abuses: insults, criticisms, aggressive demands or expectations, threats, rejection, neglect, blame, emotional manipulation and control, isolation, punishment, terrorizing, ignoring, or teasing.

Harassment, physical and sexual abuse, and witnessing abuse of others are also forms of emotional abuse, as is coercion.

Emotional abuse can take place anywhere: at home, at school, in relationships, and in the workplace. Contrary to popular beliefs that bullies are only found in the school yard, many bullies also exist in the workplace and in the home. People who appear happy and shiny on the outside can be very different on the inside. First of all, there’s –

  • The passive-aggressive colleague or partner – this is someone who passively expresses anger. This can be by repeatedly keeping you waiting or by constantly changing arrangements. The underlying message is that their life is more important than yours but there can also be a denial of feelings, back-handed compliments or sarcasm. If you live with someone like that, it’s easy to imagine that you’ve done something to upset your partner or colleague but, if questioned, they’ll say that they’re fine or “I’m not annoyed in any way”. You can spend many hours mulling this over, trying to work out what the other person is thinking or feeling. If a person can’t communicate in a straightforward way or uses sarcasm a lot, you                    might be dealing with someone who’s passive-aggressive.
  • The critic – criticism isn’t the same as advice and when you feel judged, no matter what you say or do, it usually has a big impact on your personal or working life. Someone who’s very critical often criticises the person rather than their actions. Although they may not call you names, they often insult your values and opinions, making disparaging remarks about what you say and feel, often because they want to have some control. The person may criticise your every move – for instance, by saying “Why don’t you ever…..?” or “Are you really going to wear that….?”. Does this ring a bell?
  •  The refuser – this is someone who refuses to communicate, engage in conversation or discuss feelings. They often refuse to admit that there’s a problem. This leads to negative feelings and it can seem as if there’s a barrier between you but it also often leads to you feeling guilt and maybe resentment. If the other person refuses to be honest and open with you, you may wonder why you’re in the relationship at all as it’s easy to become angry and frustrated.
  •  The narcissist – this is the person who behaves as if they know everything, is best at everything and usually tells you just how good they are. You can never measure up to this person as they put themselves above others and often lack insight and empathy. They might turn this around to you, saying that you ‘overthink’ things but who can make that judgement about you? They can easily jeopardise special occasions which include any anniversary or special day for you and if they feel hurt or rejected, they are capable of destroying everything around them.

 So, how can you handle this sort of abuse? One helpful thing can be to step back from the situation and trust your instincts and feelings about people. This is very hard if the person behaving like this is your partner because you’ve built up a life with them. However, it’s easy to minimise emotional abuse and think that the other person will change. They won’t – you will have to be the one to change as they won’t see the need to do so.

If you feel that there’s a chance for the relationship/friendship, try writing down what you feel and what they’ve said and give them one last opportunity to address it. If they still refuse to accept that there’s a problem, it may be time to step away for good.

I hope that you’ve enjoyed reading this blog and that if you’re struggling to find happiness or have other issues that are difficult to cope with, that you will come to see that there is usually a way out if we can find the strength to follow a new path.