Category Archives: Behaviour patterns

Coping When Your Child Leaves for University

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It might be that you were looking forward to your child or children going off to university but maybe the reality is actually very different from how you imagined. In fact, you might be finding it difficult to cope, whether this is your first child leaving (a big change but you might have younger ones at home) or your last child leaving the ‘nest’.

Yes, you thought you were prepared for this from the day they got their A Level results but maybe you were carried along with the need to help them prepare for the big day, buying duvets and cheap pots and pans and helping them in any way possible.

Of course, they’d been growing up and hopefully becoming more independent but the reality of them no longer being in the family home can hit very hard. Yes, everything’s tidier and you’re no longer awake until the early hours listening for them coming home and locking up the front door, but the actual reality of not having them around on a day-to-day basis can really take you by surprise.

Whether they jumped straight in and loved university life from the start or in fact were quite miserable and lonely at first, necessitating nightly phone calls and reassurance from you, you might still have been hit with sadness once they were no longer living with you. Its as if you’re grieving, which you are, and there’s often a real intensity in the loss because it’s a big change to come to terms with, even though you’re happy for them to have this opportunity.

So, how do you cope with this big change in your life?

  • First of all, accept that it’s natural – you’re human, you love them and it’s a huge change.
  • Mobile phones are a godsend – they can send you photos and vice-versa plus you can text, even if they don’t always reply.
  • Try not to be over-involved in their university careers – let them know that you’re they’re if they need you but accept that they’ll sometimes make mistakes. When parents always hover nearby, whether or not they’re actually needed, it doesn’t give their offspring the opportunity to learn how to resolve some situations themselves.
  • Sometimes, Student Services may be able to help them more than you’re able to and might be a more useful option in some circumstances
  • Although it’s tempting to encourage them to come home frequently at weekends, a lot of social bonding at university goes on at weekends and coming home a lot means that they’re constantly readjusting to one life or the other.
  • Of course, there’s a fine balance here as you don’t want them to struggle and not be able to confide in you, but they do need to become more autonomous, otherwise the world of work may seem overwhelming when they reach it on a full-time basis.
  • Recognise that this is a time for you or, if you have a partner, a time when you can reconnect in a different way now that you can focus on one another again.
  • Take care of yourself and start putting things in place that help you to rediscover who you are and what you like doing, rather than putting children’s needs first all of the time. Practice mindfulness and make sure that you eat healthily, if you’ve let that lapse at times.
  • Try to enjoy this time, even though you’ll see less of them – it’s a new phase for everyone and if your child sees that you’re managing well, it will encourage them to do the same.

I hope that you’ve found this blog useful – please comment if you’d like to do so and you can follow me as well, meaning that you’ll get an update each time I write something new.

So You Think An Affair Might Help…..?

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The thought of having an affair, or at least a flirtation, is something that flits through the minds of many people, especially if they’re in long-term relationships. If you’ve never been tempted by someone else, that may be down to luck as much as anything else. It’s easy to be judgmental about someone (maybe even your own partner) who hasn’t been able to resist such temptation, but people are human and, as such, make mistakes that often have devastating consequences.

From my experience as a relationship counsellor, I realised that there are different sorts of affairs:

  • The “It’s Not Really An Affair, More A Relationship” – this is where one person is available/single but the other one isn’t so the one who’s available really believes that if they are patient, the other person will leave their current partner. The available person will say “This is much more than an affair; it’s a relationship and we want to be together”. A lot of the time, that doesn’t actually happen, even if both parties thought at the beginning that it would. Often, the final decision to leave a partner, perhaps children, a home that you’ve built up together and the security that that brings, proves too much and that person can’t leave after all.
  • Then there’s the “It’s Only Sex Affair” – this feels very intense and there’s no doubt that some people have a huge physical attraction which they find almost impossible to resist. They feel that it’s almost ‘inevitable’ that they’ll end up having sex and as some people feel sexually alive, only when there’s secrecy and the accompanying nervous excitement, the lust can be overpowering. However, this affair is usually the most short-lived – it’s great at the time, but once the couple realise that on a different level they have very little in common, and in fact irritate one another, that excitement can change almost overnight.
  • The “I’ll Get Back At You Affair” usually results from someone feeling very resentful and angry towards their usual partner. If you feel ignored or criticised by your partner, or they make you very angry and upset, this sort of affair can seem empowering at the time. However, at some point, most people have to try to deal with their more permanent relationship rather than getting back at their partner in this way.
  • The “We Haven’t Had Sex Affair” is one that I came across a lot – usually when I saw each one of the couple separately. One partner would tell me that they weren’t really having an affair because sex hadn’t actually taken place. However, texting, meeting for coffee or lunch and not telling your partner about it does mean that you’re in an intimate relationship with someone else, especially if you confide in that person rather than your partner. If you can tell your regular partner what’s going on and not keep any of it secret, fair enough, but if it makes you squirm to think that they might find out, then even if you haven’t had sex, you’ve been unfaithful……maybe you don’t agree, and it’s up for discussion, but it seems that this ‘affair’ is just as damaging as any other, in its own way.
  • Then there’s the “Keep It In The Family Affair” which happens more frequently than you might think. There’s the closeness of family get-togethers, mutual teasing and a knowledge of your partner’s sister, brother, cousin or parents that can eventually prove intoxicating. In some ways, this sort of affair can be easier to keep secret because there are often opportunities within the family to turn up at the same barbeques, Christmas get-togethers and holidays but the fall-out can be even more devastating than the other affairs because the whole family will be involved in some way. People will inevitably takes sides and the family get-togethers can become a nightmare for all involved.
  • Lastly, the “Total Mind And Body Affair” which is the most threatening of all, partly because both people feel it’s what they’ve always been looking for in a relationship and will often say that they’ve never felt this way before. This affair is the most likely to threaten an existing partnership and although the couple engaged in this affair are more likely to stay happily together, the consequences are often devastating for the other people in their lives, particularly if there are children involved.

Many different sorts of affairs and there have been many books written about how help your relationship recover if you’ve decided to stay together and work on it.

However, if you’re the one on the brink of an affair, try to stand back for a minute and ask yourself these questions:

  1. Are you feeling unappreciated by your partner and that’s making you angry? If so, even if you’ve tried talking about it together before and nothing’s changed, try talking to a relationship counsellor, even if you have to go on your own. A counsellor won’t try to talk you out of having an affair, but it will give you a chance to air your anger in a confidential setting to someone apart from your partner.
  2. Even if you feel that you’re not the one doing anything wrong in your current relationship, could you try once more to resolve some of the issues? You can’t do it alone, that’s for sure, but ultimately, do you want to give it your best shot or do you want to continue as you are?
  3. Can you remember how you once enjoyed your partner’s company before you got to this stage? Do you remember the fun you once had? See if you can recapture some of that even though there may now be bills, children and/or work stresses.
  4. Ask yourself honestly if you were with the new person you’re thinking of, would it be much different if you had the same stresses in your life that you have now? It’s easy to think that things would be very different when you’re feeling such longing but the realities of work, children, lack of money, elderly parents or lack of self-esteem won’t go away even if you’re with a different person.
  5. Does the new person make you feel better about yourself? This is a difficult one because if they’re shoring up your self-esteem, you probably need to work on yourself and feeling better generally before making a big change in your life.
  6. Lastly, ask yourself what an affair would provide for you. If it’s affection, better sex, more fun or companionship, try to think of ways that you might rediscover that with your existing partner.

Hopefully, some of the above points will help you look at the issues with more objectivity (if that’s possible!) and you’ll be able to make a decision that’s right for you in the long-term, whichever way it goes.

Are You In Constant Conflict With Your Partner?

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Okay, so it’s normal for couples to have disagreements and rows from time to time but when you’re in constant conflict with one another, it’s time to rethink.

People often learn poor conflict resolution skills when they’re growing up, either from their parents or extended family. If you come from a family that typically sulks and holds grudges, you don’t always learn that it doesn’t have to come to that. If you grow up with people who respect each other, engage in healthy discussions and don’t avoid talking about important issues, you learn that things can be resolved before they become too serious.

People in successful relationships often have the ability to solve problems and then let it go. Rather than attacking the other person with words or withholding affection, they let some of the smaller stuff go and stop dwelling on it. This isn’t easy to do, as I know from a personal perspective!

I’ve found that the key is to accept the other person/people as they are rather than trying to change them. ‘Forgive and forget’ is a key element here. Laughter and humour help too – if you can see the absurdity in some situations, it helps a lot.

In my last blog, I wrote about how financial conflicts affect couples but other common clashes are around sex and children. I saw a lot of these issues played out in the counselling room when I worked as a private therapist as I encouraged couples to use their sessions with me to look at these issues from the other person’s point of view. There had to be give and take on both sides and this involved couples doing homework outside of the sessions.

If you feel that you can’t afford counselling or manage to get to sessions, think about the following:

  • Value each other’s perspective even if you don’t agree with them. It’s worth really considering what your partner’s saying and working on how you can find a compromise.
  • Let the little things go – ask yourself how much it really matters and try to let go, breathe and move onto more important things.
  • Keep it fair – don’t insult, curse or name-call. Also, don’t bring up everything they’ve ever done wrong in the past as your partner will just end up feeling attacked and as if they can never do anything right.
  • Be clear about what you want (which is different from what you need!). Ask for what you want and be clear – rather than saying “I wish you weren’t always late”, try “next time we’re going out for a meal and you think you might not be able to make it on time, I’d like it if you could call or text me to let me know at least a quarter of an hour beforehand”.
  • Tell each other what you do like about the other one rather than always complaining about what you don’t like.
  • Deal with any conflict as quickly as you can – if things are just left, they often grow bigger. Better that they’re repaired as soon as possible rather than fester until they get out of proportion.

Good luck with the above – none of these are easy, but they might make all the difference to your relationship.

Sorting Out Your Finances As A Couple

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 “Money can’t buy you happiness” is one of those sayings most of us have grown up hearing although maybe an add-on should be …….” but lack of it can make you very miserable, especially in our culture”.

That sounds longwinded though and doesn’t give us much hope if we’re really struggling with money.  Is this struggle better or worse if you’re part of a couple?  Everyone has different ideas – it can be good to share your worries and feelings with a partner, but not if they’re totally unsympathetic, dismissive or unworried themselves.

For most of us, when we first meet our partners, money is one of the last things we want to talk about.  Other things are more of a priority because, after all, we don’t know if this relationship will ultimately work out.  So, interests in common, attitudes towards our own families, friendships and how compatible we are sexually often take precedence.

However, more of us are now experiencing financial uncertainty, hardship and unemployment than in previous decades and it’s time to talk about the reality of money issues before they develop into something that can ruin our relationships.

Someone’s financial habits are an incredible insight into his or her values and ethics. That doesn’t mean that having a lousy credit score is a reason to break up, but if you find that your new love interest doesn’t handle money responsibly, you have to question what else he or she isn’t going to be upfront about.  Most importantly, don’t think they’ll change overnight – they won’t, even with you loving them to distraction.  That will see you through for a while but probably not long-term!

Our attitudes towards money are often formed when we’re still children, even though these weren’t conscious thoughts and attitudes.  If you come from a family where people enjoyed their money by taking regular holidays, eating out and buying clothes without much thought about future security, it can be hard to understand a partner whose ideas can seem ‘penny-pinching’ and ‘tight’ because they refuse to waste food, only buy clothes when they need them are already buying their own house when you meet them.

This is the time to talk about deeply held values, feelings about sacrifice and possible mutual goals regarding the future.  If you find talking about money difficult, it will pose even more of a problem if one of you is made redundant in the future and your income is effectively halved.

When someone loses their job there are often feelings of panic, guilt, fear, blame and helplessness. People under this sort of stress often cease to acknowledge or even notice the kind and helpful things their partner does, only responding to irritating habits that are accentuated by worry. This in turn makes it harder to tackle a new budget and priorities. If people are honest and compassionate towards one another, they can learn to work things out and plan ahead for a better future.

A lot of relationship dynamics get played out within a changing financial environment, such as one person going on a spending-spree to get back at their partner. To build a strong future, here are some tips to help you along the way:

  • Control your spending (easier said than done for most of us!). This is one of the first ways that differences can occur – your partner takes pride in taking a flask of coffee to work whereas you like nothing better than meeting friends for a coffee or beer on the High Street.  Compromise might be one way to deal with this.

One of the biggest ‘don’ts’ is to do with credit cards – try to use them only if it is an emergency or for health care. If you have savings, try not to dip into them unless you both consider them absolutely necessary

  • If you already have debt, handle it as a couple: make a plan about how you’re going to pay off any existing debt. This may involve drawing a line in the sand -saying that your partner’s debt isn’t your problem isn’t going work. Even if the debt existed before you got together your credit rating can be negatively impacted, as well as the bottom line being how much money the two of you are paying monthly in interest charges.
  • Make a plan to pay off existing debt. Drawing a line in the sand and saying that your spouse’s debt isn’t your problem is not going to work because even if the debt existed before you married, expense absolutely necessary.
  • Try to be realistic. We’ve all heard about making a list and it can be time-consuming as well as boring, but listing your expenses does help you to cut back. When you compare your expenses to your income, it can be a wake-up call.

You won’t read this on many money forums, but adding ten percent to your expenses is a realistic way to work them out – there’s always something that happens that we haven’t budgeted for – your child wears out their shoes in three weeks (how does that happen?!), you scrape the car when you’re reversing off the main road or your mother expresses a sudden desire to have her birthday tea at the most expensive hotel in a fifty mile radius.  Adding ten percent might help you cope with one of those (although not all of them in one month!).

  • Identify where you can’t cut back and where you might be able to do so – looking for a cheaper telephone plan, eating out less, using the car less. Some people take to these ideas very enthusiastically, deciding to grow their own vegetables or do more home baking – take it slowly, one step at a time. What you started with zeal in September can look very unenticing by January.

  • Your bank account(s)
    Here’s how I suggest every couple organises their cash flow: Create three accounts—one for you, one for your partner, and one joint fund. Once you’ve determined the total cost of your shared living expenses, both of you need to contribute your portion of these costs to the joint account each month, based on your share of household income.

  • Finally, try not to run away from your problems – it will just make your situation worse. Don’t try to escape from your unemployment and financial problems. Overeating, smoking, drinking, over spending, not sleeping, etc. will only make your situation worse. Remember the importance of taking care of yourselves, both emotionally and physically. That means regular sleep, a healthy diet, exercise, taking care of yourselves and each other and, most of all, having FUN!

Just How Much Is Acceptable In A Relationship?

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Just how much is acceptable in a relationship?

Of course, the answer to  how much is acceptable differs from one person to the next. What one person considers ‘normal’, another might find completely obnoxious! Sometimes, it can be hard to work out what you  you consider acceptable, especially if you’re in a long-term relationship where it’s often easier to comply with your partner rather than have yet another argument. We can all become worn down by negative aspects in our own homes and put up with things that we’d once have found abhorrent.

When you have a long shared history and have invested years of your life in another person, it’s often easy to overlook or even excuse their behaviour. Maybe you’re afraid of starting again on your own, telling your family or having to find new friends. However, there are certain behaviours that are pretty much always unacceptable and if you’ve talked them through with your partner before and things haven’t changed, it’s probable that they’re not going to.

Here are some that you shouldn’t have to put up with:

Inconsistency – if you find you’re being smothered in affection one day and almost ignored the next, that’s very unpredictable. Most relationships require some sort of stability and if you never know where you are from one day to the next, if can cause mental turmoil. Some people are moodier than others but if they say they want commitment one day and then turn that on its head the next, it’s hard to feel secure with them and, ultimately, it’s unacceptable.

Being treated like a servant – it’s normal to help one another out and even have separate roles if that’s what suits both of you, but when one person leaves a lot of mess around for the other one to constantly pick up and clean, there’s a big element of being taken for granted. It’s not acceptable for one person in the relationship to be taking on the majority of the chores, responsibilities and perhaps bills unless their partner is ill and unable to contribute. If this is happening to you, don’t feel that you have to put up with it!

Cheating – if you’ve agreed to have an ‘open relationship’, fair enough but if you agreed to be monogamous and then your partner cheats, you have to decide whether to work through it or separate. Just know that you’re under no obligation to put up with cheating (which includes sexting), even if it was a one-off incident. If you decide to give things another go, then that’s a decision for both of you to make, but basically, cheating isn’t acceptable.

Lying – so most of us tell the occasional lie, not just to our partners but to other people as well. It’s when it becomes the norm and you find that your partner often lies to other people (their best friend or their family), then it’s a cause for concern. People who habitually lie usually tell other people what they want to hear, often to get what they want. If your partner lies to other people, he/she probably lies to you as well.

Ultimatums – it’s normal to have discussions where your ideas don’t match up but it’s not normal to deliver some sort of ultimatum such as “if we don’t have a baby in another year, it’s over” or “if we don’t move back to my home town, I’m finished”. It’s never going to be helpful to put down deadlines and the other person rarely responds positively. No-one likes to be threatened with ultimatums – they threaten love and affection in relationships.

Controlling behaviour – if you’ve noticed that your partner tries to control you or put you down (in fact, make you feel bad in any way), that’s emotional abuse/controlling behaviour. If they blame you for all their problems or frequently threaten to leave you, that can feel as if you’re losing all control in your life, which often leads to low self-esteem.

Refusal to talk – it’s key to most relationships to be able to communicate, even if the subject is a difficult one. If you find that your partner refuses to talk about anything that they consider to be a tough subject, they’re disregarding your feelings, especially if the subject is bothering you. Healthy relationships need healthy discussions.

Unsupportive – you’re supposed to be in a team which means supporting each other’s ambitions and dreams. You’re invested in one another’s success if you share your lives and if your partner often puts you down, whether you’re alone or with other people, you don’t have to accept it. Most of us need someone who will back us up when the chips are down.

They’re often angry – most people get annoyed sometimes but irrational anger is something else. If you’re often waiting for them to erupt, you’ll be on constant edge, feeling as if you have to tiptoe around your partner, even if they’re angry with other people rather than you. If they’re not prepared to get help for their anger, maybe you need to rethink your future with them.

If, after reading the above, you still think it’s worthwhile putting up with some or all of the above, then I hope it works out well for you. However, if it encourages to think about what you’re prepared to put up with and you decide that ‘enough is enough’, you could try some counselling to talk through your feelings, before making a final decision about the future.