Today, I’ve been thinking about what being the ‘same but different’ actually means and how it affects anyone who feels ‘different’ from other people. It’s often hard to come to terms with any difference in ourselves and in others; the difference might be physical, ranging from a birthmark or a scar to a missing limb or anything else that makes someone feel different from their fellow human being. If other people remark on the difference in a negative way, it can have a massive impact on self-esteem; people can react to this in several ways, perhaps by withdrawing from social activities or finding it difficult to go out of their homes or, sometimes by becoming the ‘clown’ who always makes other people laugh rather than being laughed at.

On the other hand, the difference might be the way we perceive things, look at life or articulate our views. If we feel different from other people, it can make us feel isolated and afraid.

When I looked up ‘same but different’ there were a lot of different explanations – for instance ‘sea’ and ‘ocean’ are almost the same, but different (sea is a ‘smaller body of water partially enclosed by land’, whereas an’ ocean has no boundaries’) and ‘sauce’ (‘served hot’) and ketchup (‘served cold and never heated’);  however,  these are physical examples and don’t take into account the many ways in which humans feel different from one another.

If you’ve always felt different, perhaps because you felt that you had to hide things from your background (an alcoholic parent, lack of money making you feel inferior to your friends, being bigger/smaller than others in your class at school), that feeling can follow you into the adult world. Any differences can seem even more apparent when you start work or university and can torment you in your daily life.

Any concerns or worries about gender or sexual preferences can set you aside from others and really prey on your mind. If this is you, try to take stock of the situation and work out what’s really worrying you. Is it other peoples’ reactions to what’s happening to you? Or is it because you yourself are not happy about your body or the way you feel about other people? It may be that by accepting you for who you are (it’s fine to be you!), increasing your self-esteem and feeling more confident in yourself, you’ll start believing in you and who you are.

In future blogs,  I hope to expand on some of the above issues – childhood experiences can affect us in our later lives; gender issues are hard to deal with even though we appear to be a more tolerant society now (this wasn’t the case with some of my clients who were dealing with gender issues – they still felt judged by others).

Trying counselling, with a therapist who specialises in what you’re trying to deal with can really help. If you don’t ‘gel’ with the first counsellor you try, look for another one and make sure you’re getting what you want out of the sessions. It’s not a cheap option but it’s one that might really set you on the journey of accepting you for who you are, and being happy about it.  Here’s to a happier future……..

One definition of loneliness is that our need for contact is not being met. However, this isn’t the same as being alone.  Some people choose to be alone and can live very happily without a lot of contact with other people. You can also have lots of friends or be part of a big family but still feel lonely.

Loneliness can have many different causes and affects all of us in different ways. Certain lifestyles and the stresses of life today can make people socially isolated and more vulnerable to loneliness. It can also have a big impact on your mental health, contributing to anxiety, stress and depression. Not feeling part of the world in which you live is part of a vicious circle where you then stop trying to maintain friendships and then feel excluded.

Certain situations might also make you feel lonelier – if you lose a partner or someone close to you, you’re part of an ethnic group with few community networks, experience discrimination because of a disability, a relationship breaks up, you’re a single parent finding it hard to go out, you retire and no longer have the company of work colleagues (sometimes a blessing too!).

Internal feelings of loneliness can come from within a person and they don’t disappear regardless of how many friends someone has. There are lots of different reasons for this including not liking yourself (how will others like you if you don’t feel that you’re a good person?) or lacking self-confidence. If you felt unloved by your parents or family when you were a child, you can grow up still feeling unlovable when you’re an adult.

Sometimes people isolate themselves, even within a relationship and underneath this can be to do with a fear of being hurt emotionally. So being single doesn’t always mean being lonely and being in a relationship doesn’t always mean happiness.

People try different ways to avoid this inner loneliness including spending a lot of time socialising and thereby not having time to ponder on it too much, or they develop a dependency on drugs or alcohol to escape these feelings.

Studies show that socially isolated people suffer from lower self-esteem, experience more stress and are more likely to have problems sleeping than those with a strong social support system. When extreme feelings of loneliness are almost overwhelming, thoughts can turn to suicide. If you are concerned about such thoughts, you can pick up a phone to contact the Samaritans at any time of the day or night.  Otherwise, talk to your GP who may refer you for NHS counselling or look for a private counsellor (look on the Counselling Directory or BACP website for qualified therapists).

So, how can you combat these feeling of loneliness? For some people it’s about making more social contact with other people, either friends or family. If you’re feeling ‘low’ this can take a lot of effort but if you don’t do so then you’re likely to end up more lonely and isolated than ever.

Take small steps at first:

• go for a short walk in the fresh air and try to say ‘hello’ if you see anyone from your road or who looks familiar to you.
• text someone in your family, just to see how they are.
• If you’re in a group of people, try to make a few comments easier though it seems easier to keep quiet and let everyone else talk.
• try having a short talk with the cashier when you pay for goods in the shop.
• if you have children, maybe you could make conversation with one or two other parents at the school gate.

If you are out of practice talking to people, it may seem daunting to do so at first and if you don’t get a very enthusiastic response it’s even harder! However, try not to take it personally – someone else might respond more positively and some groups are notorious for being ‘cliquey’!

Another way of making connections with people is through shared interests, values or experiences. If something interests you, whether that’s walking, watching films or going camping, there will be other people who feel the same. There is usually information about local clubs or groups in the library or you can look online.

If, despite doing your best, you don’t manage to achieve the social contact you’d like, it may be worth learning how to feel more comfortable in your own company. This can be rewarding if you focus on the pleasure it gives you. Having time to reflect and think can be positive.

Techniques like yoga, pilates or writing a journal can help to achieve a peace that frenetic socialising can’t.  Getting a dog or cat is another way to alleviate loneliness, especially as they’re usually pleased to see you when you arrive home!