Category Archives: Insecurity

“Mirror, Mirror On The Wall….”

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“Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who is the fairest of them all?”. Most of us who had fairy tales read to us as children will recognise these words, uttered by Snow White’s evil stepmother. But what, exactly, was she asking? In the Grimm Brothers’ German original, she asks who’s the most beautiful in the land. We now know that she may have meant “who is the whitest” rather than the most beautiful, since white skin was associated with the aristocracy and middle classes who didn’t work outside in the sun, but were rich enough to stay inside and have servants to work for them. However, that is a debate for another day because I want to look at how much these stories affect all of us on a subconscious level.

Since the stories were published in 1812, generations of girls and boys listened to them and there have been many debates about how much fairy tales like this (think Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty…..) influence us and what messages we carry on into adulthood. In most fairy stories, if the woman is beautiful, somehow she will ‘win’ her prince.  Yes, Snow White, Cinderella and other heroines are kind as well as beautiful, but there is an underlying understanding that probably they wouldn’t have ended up ‘happy ever after’ if they hadn’t been beautiful as well.

In the same way, the prince in these stories was always ‘handsome’, which can lead young men to think that they have to be good-looking to get anywhere with women.

Nowadays, this message seems to have become ever more distorted so that a lot of young women feel that they’re not really worthwhile unless they’re pretty/attractive/desirable. Likewise with young men who often spend a lot of time worrying about whether they’re handsome enough and are wearing the ‘right’ clothes. Some of this is natural and has been going on since time began, but taken to extreme levels, it can also be dangerous. So much emphasis is now put on appearance with special apps to enhance Instagram photos and put a soft blur on them and photoshop manipulating images to improve their appearance. But life isn’t about blurring the edges and constant enhancement all the time – it’s also about people, including you, seeing things in a real way and being able to deal with imperfections. If what we see in the mirror is reflected back in a negative way, it can be very damaging. Depression is a big worry amongst teenagers and young people who often report feeling anxious and isolated.

Yes, we all want to look as good as we can, but there needs to be a limit on this so that we can enjoy each day, even if our hair needs a wash or we have a spot on our chin. Boring though it might sound, sometimes it’s better to work on your self-esteem because that will see you through, even if your appearance sometimes lets you down. So, give self-esteem a go, work on feeling better about yourself and factor in hobbies that don’t rely on your appearance but instead provide interesting and fun times with like-minded people.

Feeling Insecure?

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If someone is feeling insecure, it’s usually about experiencing a threat or inadequacy of some sort. Most people have felt it at one time or another and that’s pretty normal but when it starts to sabotage your relationship or success in your job, it starts to become very damaging. It stops peace of mind and prevents people from relaxing and being authentic and genuine – they will be asking for reassurance or be mistrusting of others’ motives and actions.

Whilst a lot of people think that the insecurity comes from something that their partner said, mostly it comes from within themselves. However, it probably started in childhood or early teens when someone was very hurt or threatened or perhaps couldn’t depend on what a parent said as they were always let down. If, growing up, children were judged harshly and criticised a lot, there’s usually a residual feeling of never being good enough.

If this is how you, or someone close to you, feels, here are some things that you can do:

  • First of all, try to build up your self-esteem – most people who feel insecure have low self-esteem and they look outside of themselves for validation. However, when you’re trying to feel good by getting approval from others, it doesn’t really address the issue and also puts a burden on your partner, friends and family. By working on your self-esteem by reading a book, doing an on-line course or having counselling can help a lot with feelings of insecurity.
  • With a partner, sometimes the feelings of insecurity are valid inasmuch as they’ve let you down before, lied to you or been unfaithfully. However, you mostly have a choice about how you deal with this and although you may not want to leave or can’t see a way to leave it because of other responsibilities, you can try to put down some boundaries and explain what the outcome will be if this continues. Although your partner may not be reliable, you can still feel secure in yourself as a good and caring human being.
  • Have some trust in yourself if the insecurity was there before you met your partner. Recognise that you don’t have to beautiful or rich to attract a good partner – your particular characteristics are the most important thing and this applies with friends and family members too. Remember the traits that you have that are valuable – this could be a good communicator, you’re funny, kind and generally a nice person. Focus on what you have to offer, rather than what you perceive as a lack of something.
  • Avoid people whom you feel insecure with – in other words, protect yourself. If a group of colleagues is very ‘cliquish’ and ‘excluding’, try to go out with them on a one-to-one basis and don’t socialise with them after work. They may feel that you’re unfriendly but this is about you, not them, and if you feel worse when you go out with them, avoid it.
  • That leads onto surrounding yourself with people who are supportive – not so that they can validate you in some way but because they ‘get’ you and you feel you have things in common and nothing to prove to them. In other words, they like you for who you are and you don’t have to pretend to be someone else in their company.

Remember, no-one can see your insecurity so sometimes imagining how you’d really like to be can help in actually being that person. Visualise how you’d be if you weren’t insecure and work towards that image. It will take time but you’ll feel better for it eventually.