If you don’t have the tendency to hoard, it can be hard to understand those people who do so. Why do they feel the need to hang onto things that most of us would think are rubbish or completely insignificant? For hoarders though every single item has some sort of importance to them and to them, it’s not junk.

That’s not to say that they don’t feel embarrassed and ashamed about the state of their homes but dealing with it is extremely difficult. I came to realise this over years of counselling clients who were themselves hoarders or who had a family member who held onto every single item over the years, even empty food tins, small lengths of string and years-old newspapers.

Hoarders have a huge difficulty in discarding or parting with possessions – they feel that they need to save them at all costs, regardless of whether they present a fire hazard or obstruct walking spaces (or even sleeping areas). In fact, many hoarders feel a deep sense of shame about what amounts to an addiction and often stop inviting friends round, sometimes isolating themselves in the process.

Children and partners of hoarders also find life difficult as they also can’t have friends round and their home becomes a constant source of friction. They often want to help, but find that their help is refused. It can cause marital break-ups and adult children often leave home as soon as possible.

People with a hoarding disorder usually save items because they have serve as a reminder of happy times, or they represent people that they loved. They think that their items will be useful in the future and don’t want to waste anything in case it’s needed later. Most of all, they often feel safer when surrounded by all the things that they’ve saved.

Things pile up and become disorganised so that there are often stacks of paperwork, books, newspapers and clothes. This is different from people who have collections of, say, stamps or books by a particular author. Although collections can be large, they’re not usually particularly cluttered and don’t cause the distress that hoarding does. In fact, most people who collect items are often proud of them and want to show them off to other people.

It’s not entirely clear what causes this disorder but often people develop a hoarding disorder after they’ve experienced a stressful life event that they’ve had a lot of difficulty coming to terms with – this could be the death of a loved one, eviction, losing possessions in a fire or burglary or getting divorced. Other sad life events like the loss of a child can often precipitate hoarding too.

If you live with or know a hoarder, you’ve probably already realised that they’re resistant to your offers of help to sort out their belongings. No-one really wants someone else coming into their home and telling them that the things that they’re so attached to are junk and need to be thrown out. Hoarders need kindness and persuasion to encourage them to seek out help. In the meantime:

• Find out as much as you can about this condition by reading websites and books about it.
• Don’t take their possessions away – although this can be tempting, it won’t resolve the real problem and could destroy your relationship.
• Recognise their victories, however small, by praising them if they throw away something, even if it’s very small.
• Don’t enable their behaviour by offering to store some of their items for them.
• Don’t clean up for them – ultimately, they need to recognise that things are getting in a mess and that they need to take action to stop things getting any worse.
• Encourage them to seek help and treatment. This is possibly one of the best things that you can do to help them.

Talking with their doctor can help and counselling is a positive way forward where, gently, over a period of months, the counsellor can find out what the items mean to the hoarder, how they feel about sorting them out and whether they might start in a small way to make some headway with the clearing and cleaning process.

Some communities now have agencies to help with the hoarding problems once the healing process of counselling is under way. It’s important that the hoarder themself knows how the problem originated and that they want to be able to resolve it.

Such a process won’t happen overnight but with time and patience, a lot of hoarders can start clearing their homes and become happier and more fulfilled in the process.

Please do comment on my blog if you have found it interesting, useful or otherwise. You can see my blogs as soon as they are published (usually on Wednesdays) by pressing the ‘follow’ button and you can share them with your friends. You can also find me on Linked In, Instagram (samebutdifferent) and read my FB posts at Same But Different.

Listening to Russell Howard, the comedian, a couple of weeks ago, he talked about how the coronavirus is affecting us all in so many ways. As he said, the situation is ‘heartbreaking, boring and scary’ all at the same time.

If you suffer with anxiety, depression and other mental health problems, it’s particularly frightening and isolating. Your usual support, whether that’s family, friends, support workers or CAMHS, may not be easily available now and that increases the feelings of anxiety.

Here are a few ways that will hopefully help during this stressful time and keep you going until things return to some sort of normality.

One of the first things is to STOP blaming yourself for the way you’re feeling – be kind to yourself and practice self-care, starting with:

• Understanding your anxiety – it’s frightening for most of us and we’re all bracing ourselves for what might happen next. The uncertainty is one of the most difficult things because we don’t know if things might worsen and spiral out of control. So try to understand that it’s natural to feel anxious but that your anxiety can be managed.
• Try to focus on what you can control – we don’t know how long this will last and we can’t control other people’s behaviour, so worrying about them won’t make a difference. For your own peace of mind, look  at things you can control, like washing your hands frequently and for at least 20 seconds each time, staying at home as much as possible, avoiding crowds or gatherings, keeping two metres apart from other people when you go out and following recommendations from the health authorities. Staying apart from others when you’re feeling anxious can make you feel more isolated than ever, but ultimately it will help you and everyone else to get back to some sort of normality sooner rather than later.
• Keep yourself informed but don’t check the news obsessively – try to limit it to twice a day. If you start to feel overwhelmed, step away from the media for a part of each day.
• Write down your own specific worries about how coronavirus may disrupt your life in the future. Try to focus on a list of possible solutions. There won’t be perfect outcomes but there will be some things that you’ll be able to change and look at differently. Once you’ve found some other options, put down a plan of action and then, put the list to one side. Things can change quickly so you may need to adapt some of your possible solutions, but that’s alright.
• It’s absolutely natural to be concerned about what might happen if you’re no longer able to work, you have to self-quarantine or your children’s schools remain closed. To stop your feelings spiralling out of control, close your eyes and focus on breathing in for 5 counts and out for 5 counts, five times. Notice what’s going on around you, from the different sounds to the smells and keep breathing like this until you feel calmer. Try audio meditations to help you regain an inner calm.
• Make this time a priority to stay in touch with family and family. Think about scheduling in regular chats by phone or video calls. Although this is hard to do if you’re depressed, it’s important to stay connected in the best way that we can and reach out to people for support.

If you’re really struggling, try contacting one of these:

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline – If you’re feeling suicidal, please call 1-800-273-TALK (8255).

Coronavirus Resource Center – Get answers to many common questions about coronavirus, as well as links to other resources. (Harvard Health Publishing)

National Domestic Violence Hotlineexternal icon  – Isolated at home in an abusive situation and need help? Call 1-800-799-7233.

Hopefully you’ve found this blog interesting, useful or otherwise! Please do comment if you feel able to do so. You can see my blogs as soon as they are published (usually on Wednesdays) by pressing the ‘follow’ button and you can share them with your friends. You can also find me on Linked In, Instagram (samebutdifferent) and read my FB posts at Same But Different.

Facing the prospect of redundancy, or being unable to work because of the coronavirus, can take a huge toll on you emotionally.  You may feel anxious, fearful or angry and there can be a sense of shame for some people whilst others might feel relief.  Even laidback and self-contained people can experience emotions that seem strange and unsettling and a lot of us haven’t had to cope with the emotional stresses and strains of this situation before.  So, learning how to cope with all this, letting go of the old and ushering in the new, is a big part of rebuilding a new life.

What your job means to you and what it gives you could include:

• Daily structure/framework
• Identity
• Salary
• Status
• Standing in community/partner/friends/family
• Friendships
• Confidence

It’s likely that your job provides you with most or all of the above and therefore being made redundant, or being laid-off, can have a lot of knock-on effects including putting a strain on relationships within the home.  Understanding this process, recognising that it is quite normal, and accepting that it affects everyone can help us to come to terms with this situation.  It also gives us valuable empathy and insight into the feelings of others around us too.

As with any other loss, this means that we often experience similar symptoms to those experienced with a bereavement and because of that, most people need to grieve. This can be a slow process but it helps us to recover from events that are too overwhelming to deal with all at once.

There are usually six stages to the process of grief and how quickly we move through the stages will depend upon our individual circumstances. Sometimes these are given slightly different labels but essentially they are: shock, denial, anger/resistance, acceptance, exploration and challenge.

We don’t move through these stages in a straight line though and it’s quite common to have little relapses just when we think all is going well. A knock back like being rejected for a new job can bruise us all over again, so it’s important to be easy on ourselves.

 Stage 1 – Shock In a similar style to a grief reaction, people may take some time to address the reality of what has just occurred.  You can’t really do much at this stage but try to get to grips with what the new situation entails.

Stage 2 – Denial A common reaction may be to deny the impact of the redundancy or loss of your job “This isn’t (or can’t be) happening to me!”  There can be refusal to believe what is being said i.e. ‘you can’t mean it’, ‘after everything I’ve done for this place’.  Questioning of the facts i.e. ‘are you sure it’s me?’, ‘what about that project I’m working on?’  There may be denial or avoidance of uncomfortable facts.

Stage 3 – Anger/Resistance It is important to openly deal with what angers us. “Why did this have to happen to me?”  Anger and resentment can build up because a person may feel that they had seen disaster looming and done their best to prevent this.  However, if their job was lost, in spite of all their efforts to prevent this situation happening, they could feel angry and let down.  It’s natural to feel angry and work needs to done to pass onto a more positive frame of mind.  Anger de-skills us but it can also create a mood of self-preservation.’

Some people will also experience bitterness and there can be thoughts of revenge and ‘getting even’ and these feelings can often arise as a combination of issues.

Stage 4 – Acceptance Eventually, there starts to be some acceptance that the way things are done has indeed changed and that the old ways are in fact gone.  “I suppose if I have to deal with this, I might as well get on with it”  By this time the person has accepted at least one of the facts, faced up to the anger and fear and started missing some of the things that will never be the same again.  This realisation can often bring out new facts which have to be accepted i.e. plans for holidays, children house, etc.  Then the whole process starts again.  This may happen many times before grieving is complete.

Stage 5 – Exploration This will include a willingness to look at options to move forward from redundancy.  “How do I actually go forward from here?”  This is the point at which you might start to look at re-training, find a new job, thinking of setting up your own business. It will be important to understand how you will support yourself and your family whilst you develop an alternative income stream.  Sorting out your finances is an essential first step as it’s much harder to rebuild your life if you are constantly beset by money worries.

Stage 6 – Challenge Actually moving forward.  This where it is important that the change process is a catalyst for a positive outlook and not just there as an obstacle to moving on to your new life. If you are a job hunter, have you prepared a CV that is geared to the kind of job you want and demonstrates to recruiters and employers that you have what it takes to do it well?  If you have that CV written, have you researched/registered with all the employers, recruiters and websites appropriate to the type of new job you are looking for?  Have you networked with friends, family, colleagues, professional associations etc to look for additional leads?  If you have interviews, have you brushed up your interview skills?  Are you taking good care of yourself both mentally and physically because job hunting itself can be pretty hard work?  Are you pursuing your plan rigorously?

Managing your time effectively If you have been used to the routine of regular work suddenly not having that structure after you have been made redundant can be a mixed blessing. Common reactions can range from panic to paralysis!  During your period of redundancy-driven leisure, providing some structure to your days as soon as possible is vital. Job searching needs to be systematic so have times when you will look for work.  Don’t forget to factor in some time to relax, de-stress and consider options that might take you down a ‘new life route’.  Many people report that engaging in some form of sport or exercise especially running and swimming helps to keep us fit but also to release our ‘feel good’ hormones. It keeps us on the straight and narrow road to recovery, and depression at bay.  Being busy in a constructive way enables the healing process.

All in all, take each day as it comes.  Don’t expect too much, too quickly, from either your partner or yourself.

Please do comment on my blog if you have found it interesting or useful. You can see my blogs as soon as they are published (usually on Wednesdays) by pressing the ‘follow’ button and you can share them with your friends. You can also find me on Linked In, Instagram (samebutdifferent) and read my FB posts at Same But Different.

First of all, this is a pretty long blog because, as a counsellor and psychotherapist, I feel strongly about bereavement and loss; it sometimes seems that society tends to skim the surface in dealing with this, whereas it deserves some time….so hang on in there if you can, and read on!

If someone close to you has recently died, you’ve probably already realised that everyone copes with bereavement and loss in different ways. I can’t emphasise this enough – there’s no RIGHT way and it’s most important to find your own way when someone close to you dies.

Although there are different stages of grief, they don’t follow a strict pattern and the whole process is more like a roller-coaster with lots of ups and downs.

Even years later, you can still feel a strong sense of grief and sometimes guilt too.  Why do we often feel guilty after someone has died? Well, often we mull over what’s happened and how we might have dealt with things better during their lifetime.  Sometimes it seems as if we’re hard-wired to feel guilty, no matter how much we loved the person. It’s as if we’re punishing ourselves, at least for a time. Allow yourself to be human – hindsight is a wonderful thing and, given our time again, we might do things differently but we can only make changes with what’s happening now and hope for the best in the future.

Whatever you’re feeling and reacting, it’s almost always normal and this includes anger. There are many different emotions and losing someone you love is very painful.

Try to accept that other people don’t always know what to say to comfort you – there are no words to adequately describe what you’re going through.

If you’re trying to comfort someone who’s had a loss/bereavement, try not to say “they had a long life” or “it could have been worse” – for them, maybe it couldn’t have been worse.

Lean on people for support and talk to them about what you’re going through and how hard it is.

How you cope with depend a lot on your personal coping style, life experiences and beliefs – do the best you can, taking one day at a time until there are more good days than bad days.

Why do we need to grieve?

The death of someone close to us may be one of the greatest losses we will ever have to endure and is often emotionally devastating.  Although death is an unavoidable part of our lives, the longing for the dead person can affect us in many different ways – emotionally, physically, spiritually and socially.

Mourning the dead person is one of the ways we come to terms with bereavement and part of that process is gradually letting go of what we have lost.  At the time, this might seem almost impossible but ‘letting go’ does not mean ‘forgetting’ the dead person but that we come to accept that we will never see them again.  Our pain and suffering is one of the prices we pay for loving.

In Victorian times, the bereaved person wore black clothing for a year following someone’s death and although this may seem very old-fashioned today, it gave other people a visual sign that the bereaved person needed to be treated more gently than usual.  Nowadays, it often seems that we are urged to ‘get over it’ within weeks of someone’s death.  However, there is no time frame for grieving and it’s different for everyone.

How people react differently

One of the things that people find most difficult is that there are no rules regarding grieving.  Everyone reacts differently because we all have different personalities, ways of coping and past experiences.  These differences can become apparent from the moment a loved one dies.

Although most people experience numbness and shock at first, it is this that usually helps them plan and work towards the loved one’s funeral.  Whilst some people will be very organised and telephone relatives and friends, register the death and make funeral arrangements, others will feel completely demotivated and want to leave it to other people to arrange everything that needs to be done.

The funeral itself is often a very important part of the grieving process and offers people a chance to remember the life of the person who has died in the company of others who are also mourning. The full reality of the death may not always hit people until after the funeral and then the real pain of grief begins.

Grieving is not always understood or acknowledged in our society and doesn’t always draw family and friends together as might be expected.  Previously, when people lived in smaller communities and death was more commonplace, losing someone was something that most people experienced from a young age and they were able to see how families dealt with this and how rituals sometimes helped with extreme grief.  This is rarely the case now and some people may well reach middle age before they experience the death of someone close.

The circumstances of grief can also affect mourning inasmuch as the death of an older person who has lived a long and fulfilling life, although very sad, may feel more appropriate than the death of a child or partner who dies young.  Making sense of this can be very hard for a lot of people and for someone who has been bereaved by suicide, the circumstances can be almost unbearable.

Different responses

“I can’t believe it”

It may take a long time to grasp what has happened.  It is hard to believe that someone important won’t be coming back into our lives

“Why did it have to happen?”

Death can seem cruel and unfair, especially when you feel someone has died and you had plans for a future together

“I go over and over it again”

You can’t stop thinking about the events leading up to the death

“I feel nothing”

The shock can make you feel numb, as if you’re living in a different world from everyone else

“I feel so depressed; life has no meaning; I can’t go on”

Many people say that there are times after a death when they feel there is nothing left for them and they feel like ending it all

“If only……”

Many people feel guilt about things they had done or said

“One minute I’m angry and the next minute I can’t stop crying”

A lot of people find the mood swings, which they may never have experienced before, very frightening

There can be a variety of possible physical and emotional responses to losing someone.  Apart from feeling depressed, physical symptoms may include: hollowness in the stomach, over-sensitivity to noise, tightness in the chest or throat, weakness in muscles, lack of energy, a dry mouth, fatigue and breathlessness.

Feelings will often include: sadness, anger, guilt, self-reproach, anxiety loneliness, helplessness, hopelessness, shock, relief, numbness and yearning for the dead person.

There can be behavioural changes including: insomnia and sleep interruption, appetite disturbances, absent-minded behaviour, social withdrawal, dreams about the dead person, avoiding reminders about that person, sighing, restless over- activity, crying, visiting places or treasuring objects that are reminders of the loved one.

Thoughts may include: disbelief, confusion, preoccupation, a sense of the presence of the dead person, auditory and visual hallucinations.  Apart from feeling very weepy, people often become apathetic, withdrawn or very tired.  They may lose their appetite or find difficulty sleeping despite feeling exhausted. Although it may be difficult to realise, there can also be a feeling of relief, perhaps because someone’s suffering is at last over or because a period of uncertainty has ended.

Although these effects can be frightening, they are not, in themselves, any cause for concern, as long as they don’t continue for too long.  After the initial impact, there may be a time of being up one minute and down the next – this too is normal.

Strange though it might seem, there can also be a feeling of relief, perhaps because someone’s suffering is at last over or because a period of uncertainty has ended.  Guilt can play a big part in the mourning process and sometimes people get stuck with regrets about things left undone and unsaid. In addition, people can become more aware of danger and develop a stronger sense of mortality, leaving them feeling insecure.  If we have suffered other losses in the past, we might need to grieve again for all that went from our lives at that time.

Grief often gives way to anger and the bereaved person may feel very angry with the person who has died, leaving them with such pain.  Alternatively, the anger may be levelled at a member of the family who isn’t grieving in the same way or a member of the medical profession who appeared not to do as much as possible in the time leading up to the loved one’s death.

As the weeks and months pass, most people become increasingly aware of their loss and the sense of isolation and loneliness grows.  The numbing effect of shock has faded and a feeling of mental and physical exhaustion can become more apparent.

How long does the mourning period last?

There is no set time for mourning someone who has died and although other family members, friends or colleagues may try to ‘hurry’ this process along, a bereaved person needs time to deal with all the varied emotions.  This stage cannot be ‘hurried’ and some factors may prolong the grief:

• There had been a quarrel with the dead person which was never resolved
• The death was in very difficult circumstances.  For instance, the death was due to a car accident in which the other driver was found to be under the influence of drink or drugs
• There was no funeral to attend or the bereaved person couldn’t attend the funeral perhaps because they lived in another country or because they were not told about the death in time
• Their relationship to the dead person was not publicly acknowledged  as in the case of the lover of a dead person who was married to someone else
• The person is missing as in times of wars or disasters
• The dead person committed suicide
• The grieving person has little social support to fall back on or no spiritual practice/belief system

All these factors can prolong the depression that enfolds people after a death. It’s important that the person finds someone to talk to about these feelings. Emotionally, most people need to express their grief but this doesn’t mean that they are depressive personalities – they may well be depressed but that is reasonable if they have suffered a great loss. Talking can be very helpful in finding a way to a more joyful life in the present.

How can relatives and friends help?

Previously, it was thought that the purpose of grief was to sever ties with the dead person so that new attachments and a new identity could emerge.  However, it is now thought that maintaining bonds with the dead person is healthy.  Relatives and friends can help in this process by allowing the bereaved person to talk and without trying to find a ‘solution’ e.g. allowing the person to come to terms with their loss in their own time rather than suggesting new hobbies and interests ‘to help them forget’.

Everyone needs to recognise that there is no single set pattern to grief so there is little value in making statements about how a person should grieve, how long they should grieve or what is thought to be normal or abnormal.  The way to help someone most of all is to understand the person who is experiencing it.  Some of us may find this type of support difficult to give and may not know how to react to such strong emotions.  It’s not at all uncommon for those who have suffered a death to describe how people who would usually speak to them now appear to avoid them.  Although this behaviour is usually the result of embarrassment, it is dreadfully hurtful for the bereaved person, especially as this may be a time when they need to talk to someone.

Sometimes, practical support can be just as helpful as emotional support and many bereaved people say that, looking back, they really appreciate the way some friends cooked a meal for them on a regular basis and other friends helped out in different practical ways.  This can be very supportive, especially if the bereaved person is feeling overwhelmed and exhausted.

Other help available

General Practitioner (GP)

It is quite possible that the family doctor will have cared for the person during their last illness or, under other circumstances, will have had contact with the dead person and therefore they are in an ideal position to give help after the death.  Through their profession, they encounter a lot of death and this can make them good people to talk to.

Support groups

Support groups offer an opportunity to meet up with others in the same situation which can help break down feelings of isolation and show how others have coped.

Counselling

Bereavement agencies such as Cruse use ‘counsellors’ or ‘befrienders’ who have been trained specifically in helping bereaved people and will be particularly good at listening to the bereaved person’s story.  Whatever is told to them will be kept in confidence.  Counselling involves talking to someone who is trained to listen and make appropriate responses as well as showing empathy and acceptance.  This enables the bereaved person to explore troubling issues and develop a greater understanding of their feelings.

Medication

The GP may offer anti-depressants or sleeping pills which can be helpful for a short period of time.  It is important for the bereaved person to discuss side-effects and possible withdrawal symptoms thoroughly with their GP before deciding to go down this route.

Other support

Some people will find that they drink or smoke more which may seem to help them in the short-term but can have a disruptive effect on their bodies over a longer period of time.

Not everyone will have family or friends to support them and may have to find their support elsewhere, perhaps from a health visitor, social worker or local priest.   There are organisations like MIND and The Compassionate Friends that can offer information and advice on practical matters such as housing or benefits.

How long will these feelings last?

Like any sort of healing, coming to terms with loss takes time – bereavement is a journey during which many changing emotions are experienced and for some, the strength of these emotions and the speed at which they change can leave people feeling helpless and confused.  Even when some of the intensity of these emotions has passed, there may still be a fair way to go on the journey.  Again, this will happen in different ways for different people.

When trying to get on with life and establish some new form of normality, people may find themselves in situations where they momentarily manage to ‘forget’ their grief, only to feel their heart sink as something reminds them – shopping for two, for instance.

The most important thing to remember is that the intense pain does pass.  It’s not so much ‘getting over it’ or ‘gaining closure’ but more a realisation of how much the experience has changed life and learning to live with and accept those changes.

As time goes on, most bereaved people begin to realise that they are dwelling less on the past and looking ahead to a new future.  Although life will never be exactly the same again, most people do eventually realise that they have a future and look forward to it with hope again.

Please do comment on my blog if you have found it interesting or useful. You can see my blogs as soon as they are published (usually on Wednesdays) by pressing the ‘follow’ button. You can also find me on Linked In and read my FB posts at Same But Different.