Category Archives: Mental Health

Compulsive Shopping Becoming A Problem?

When you just can’t stop shopping

Goodness knows, the pandemic gave a lot of us plenty of opportunities to shop online and there’s no doubt that buying something new often lightens our spirits, whether it’s clothes, gadgets or blowing money on a holiday. There are a constant flow of adverts in the media that reinforce our spending too. Shopping online on your phone or pc during work breaks or even the middle of the night can feel as if you’re not really spending money at all, but the consequences can be devastating and hard to control.

Although occasional spending isn’t necessarily a bad thing, it can get out of control. We often joke about ‘retail therapy’ and use words like ‘shopaholic’ but if your own urges to shop, or those of someone close to you, become uncontrollable, it’s no longer funny. If you’re spending beyond your means, compulsive shopping is as damaging for finances and relationships as alcoholism or gambling.

However, there are ways to break free but one of the first things to do is take it seriously. If you recognise that you’ve got a real problem, you may need extra support from friends and family and possibly a structured treatment programme to help you to quit. If someone you love suffers with this addiction, they’ll need a lot of support from you and other friends and family.

People who struggle with compulsive shopping often experience ups and downs and find that the urge is strongest when they’re feeling sad, depressed or angry. Going out and buying something new gives them a ‘high’ for a while but then they plummet when the realisation hits that they’ve spent even more money on a shopping spree.

If you recognise this in yourself, have started hiding what you’ve bought or find that you’re maxing out your credit cards and want to try to control these buying splurges, here are a few ways to start the process:

Avoid online stores and shopping channels. Ask someone you trust to block these sites on your phone, pc and television and then secure a password, unknown to you, to unlock them.
If you feel the urge to shop, do something constructive like exercise or take up an interest that doesn’t require you to spend a lot of money.
If you’re going to the shops, write a list and stick to it.
Work out a budget (there are lots of online budget sheets to help you) and make a plan to pay off the debts that you’ve built up.
Your brain has become accustomed to the instant gratification of compulsive shopping and you’ll need the help of a support group to make changes. You could also ask your GP to refer you for Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) – there may be a long waiting list but it will be worth it as, although it’s not suitable for every type of issue, CBT is useful for helping change the ways you think and behave.

Once you’ve tried the above ways to manage compulsive shopping, you’ll start to relax and feel in control of your life again.

Hopefully you’ve found this blog helpful and interesting – if so, I’d love it if you bought me a coffee ☕ (see tab at top of page). Thank you so much.

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Talking To The Men In Your Life About Their Mental Health

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I thought that I’d concentrate on men’s’ mental health this week, mainly because it still seems to be a difficult subject for men to talk about, despite all the recent increased awareness of what has previously been a taboo subject.

If the man or men (thinking not just partners but brothers, fathers and friends here) have recently had a change in their lives, this can lead to mental health problems. I’m thinking a relationship breakdown, retirement or job loss…

Some men complain of physical symptoms like headaches, tiredness, nausea or pain in their joints as well as being unable to sleep or losing their appetite. Channeling their pain through more aggressive behaviour is common too, as is drinking or smoking more and taking over the counter painkillers.

So whatever your relationship with them, try to find a way of helping them relax by going for a walk or something similar so that you can talk at the same time. Avoid asking how they feel as a lot of men shy away from that question. Instead, ask what a particular change means to them. When they hopefully start talking, it’s natural to immediately say things like “oh, you’ll soon find another job”, but that stops the conversation and may not actually be true either. Instead, let them talk – and talk, and talk.

Don’t accept a brush-off like “There’s nothing wrong – I’m absolutely fine”. Trust your own feelings and ask again. If they’re struggling with really dark thoughts, suggest them seeing their GP, visiting the website CALM (thecalmzone.net) or calling the Samaritans which is a 24 hour seven day a week service. Their number in the UK and Ireland is 116 123 or you can visit their website samaritans.org. Alternatively, you can e.mail them at jo@samaritans.ie

Lastly, accept that you won’t have all the answers and that’s alright. As long as they know that you’re there when they need you, you’re doing a grand job. Being there physically or at the end of a phone is one of the most important things we can do for anyone who’s struggling with whatever’s going on in their life right now.

Hopefully you’ve found this blog helpful and interesting – if so, I’d love it if you bought me a coffee ☕ (see tab at top of page). Thank you so much.

Can You Really ‘Future-Proof’ Your Relationship?

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Wouldn’t it be great if you could really do that? No worries about the future, no “will they always be faithful?”, just blissful in the knowledge that nothing could ever go wrong. But of course, there are no guarantees in any relationship, however long you’ve been together; that probably doesn’t sound very promising, but things happen, sometimes we have to face challenges we’d never even thought about and the future that looked certain can suddenly seem anything but.

Still, there are ways that we can help things along the road to ‘happy ever after’ and you might already be doing some of them:

The first, and almost essential one, is to be honest with yourself and work out what you want to discuss with your partner, what are your own goals and ambitions not only for yourself but for both of you as a couple? Really, it’s about communication and not burying your head in the sand if they’re doing something that really stresses you. I’m not talking leaving the top of the toothpaste either – more along the lines of how you’re equal partners, wanting the same things and working together on whatever those goals are.
That brings me onto the next part which is understanding how they communicate – everyone has different ways of saying how they feel and also, how they resolve arguments. Some of that is (I think) partly due to our upbringing, how we saw our parents resolve difficulties – if your father flew off the handle and your mother reacted by crying (or vice-versa), but you weren’t around when they seemed to ‘make up’ you’ll not have a great understanding of how that happened. Or maybe one of them sulked for days and then, eventually, things resolved. Whatever you learned from that, it’s good to find your own way with your partner and accept that people don’t always say sorry but show it in other ways, by cooking a nice dinner or taking out the bins when it’s not usually on their ‘to do’ list. Only you know what works best for both of you as a couple and figuring out how you’d like to resolve friction is a good way forward.
Make time to check in on one another – things can get very hectic with work, family, sport and friends. So many commitments, but checking in with your partner about how they’re feeling, is a good way of making sure that you’re both happy with the way things are. It’s also a good opportunity to let your partner know what you’re happy about, the things that you enjoy and your all-round appreciation of what you have.
Finally, as we become closer in our relationship, it’s easy to believe that your partner has the same feelings and thoughts as you do but don’t make assumptions. People change and understanding differences whilst respecting their opinions go a long way to making sure that things stay good.

So, there’s no absolute guarantee that you can future-proof your relationship, but hopefully you’ll find that the above go a long way to helping your partnership become, and stay, long-term.

Hopefully you’ve found this blog helpful and interesting – if so, I’d love it if you bought me a coffee ☕ (see tab at top of page). Thank you so much.

“Smooth Seas Do Not Make Skilful Sailors”

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There’s an African proverb that says, “Smooth seas do not make skilful sailors.” In other words, it’s the hard knocks in life that soften our rough edges and help to shape us into someone who is resilient.

Whilst I think it’s true that having to deal with difficulties and disappointments often help to shape our characters, surely some people have too much to cope with? Life’s knocks can get us down especially if we have no real support, have to deal with a lot of ill health or cope with several bereavements within a short space of time.

The school of hard knocks isn’t the only way to build up resilience – there are several ways to get through hard times so that we can bounce back and feel happier. I have a lot of empathy for people whose lives have gone downhill with all the negativity that they’ve had to cope with but if you’re reading this in the hope of developing more emotional strength and feel that you have too much to cope with, try the following and see how you get on. I’m not saying that you won’t feel overwhelmed at times, but these tips will hopefully diminish those feelings so that you’ll feel happier again:

When things go wrong, try thinking “things will eventually get better, even if I can’t see that right now”. Being resilient is partly about realising that it’s unlikely to always be that way, even if you can’t see a way out right now.
Find something, however small that you can control – there are loads of things we can’t control and these include big challenges like broken relationships, bereavement or redundancy but by taking small steps in almost any area of life can help us to see a brighter future.
Sometimes we undermine our own resilience by thinking “Is this down to me?” rather than realising that sometimes things are out of our control such as when the car breaks down (’I should have made sure it was serviced’) or when we’re late and it’s had a knock-on effect on other things (‘I should have prioritised more; I’m no good at anything’). Give yourself a break emotionally and recognise that if you’ve had a lot of other more serious things to deal with, smaller things like servicing the car can easily get pushed to one side. Try to think about what you can do to stop the problem occurring again.
Focus on what’s gone right even if that’s hard – there will be one or two things that have actually been positive, even if other negative things have piled up. I’m not suggesting that if you’ve had a death in your family or are dealing with a cancer diagnosis, you shouldn’t let yourself grieve for what you’ve lost, whether that’s a person dear to you or a frightening illness, but even on the darkest days there will be one or two things that have been alright. It could be a kindly neighbour who’s taken in a parcel for you or even cooked you a meal, or that there was a glimmer of sunshine after hours of rain. Even on the worst of days, there will be some little things that were good and they can make a difference.
This isn’t about living a life where you pretend things are always fine but more about getting a perspective.
Ask other people to help you – when we have problems it’s so easy to feel isolated. Social media ensures that we’re constantly seeing people who apparently have perfect lives, having achieved great things but realistically, however true those stories are, most of us need help at times so don’t be afraid to ask for that if you’re struggling. This doesn’t have to put a burden on the person you’re asking for help – maybe you just need someone to listen or to share their knowledge about something that they know more about than you do.
Find something to laugh at – it could be an old episode of ‘Only Fools and Horses’, but really, anything that floats your boat so that you’re having a laugh, is good; really good.
Finally, find a distraction – it often helps to take time out, even if it’s only for a few minutes. One of the best things is exercise if you can motivate yourself to get out there and walk in the fresh air or go to a yoga or meditation class. This can often help us to think more clearly.

Hopefully you’ve found this blog helpful and interesting – if so, I’d love it if you bought me a coffee ☕ (see tab at top of page). Thank you so much.

Your Narcissistic Friend

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It’s an easy label to stick on someone and not a characteristic we ideally want in a close friend. After all, most of us choose our close friends because they have a lot in common with us, they’re fun and we feel a connection (or perhaps you’ve found more complicated reasons – you tell me!).

However, it’s easy to get sucked in by narcissists, mainly because at first they seem interested in us as well as being friendly but underneath they’re often focused on their own needs. Still, not easy to spot because they’re so good at putting on a good ‘front’. You decide:

They don’t really seem to care or understand your feelings. We all want compassionate friends we can talk to if we’re going through tough times but they tend to start asking you lots of questions about the decisions you’ve made instead of empathising with you.
At the other end of the scale, if you do well they don’t always want to recognise your success because it takes some of the limelight away from them.
They see other people as a means of getting what they want; they’ll often use someone for their connections, skills or resources without really taking into account how the lack of empathy affects those people.
They always need to be the centre of attention and will go to great lengths to make sure that they’re getting noticed.
Leading on from that need, you’ll notice that they’re excellent at ‘virtue signalling’, making sure that they demonstrate how good they are and what a social conscience they have.
They react very defensively if they’re criticised – it blows their ego and they can’t really handle it.
They don’t recognise why certain boundaries are important to you.
It’s never their fault – they tend to dodge responsibility and instead, shift the blame to someone else.

Sounds familiar? Even though your friend may exhibit several of the above traits, it doesn’t make them a bad person. They’re often insecure and have a huge need to be liked because underneath there are a lot of insecurities and fear of rejection. However, if you don’t keep repeating what’s unacceptable, you’re unlikely to have a healthy friendship with them.

If you understand them and feel that you get a lot out of the friendship then hopefully your friendship will survive and even thrive.

Hopefully you’ve found this blog helpful and interesting – if so, I’d love it if you bought me a coffee ☕ (see tab at top of page). Thank you so much.

Same But Different.

Blogging my way through change.

Category Archives: Mental Health