Category Archives: Self-esteem

Having Difficulties With Your Family?

When I say your family, I mean either your parents, siblings or other relatives – maybe all of them! Especially after a prolonged holiday period like Christmas and New Year, chasms can appear in family relationships that didn’t see so obvious before.

Some families are very close, meeting up as much as possible and spending time like Christmas together. However, the other side of that coin is that others don’t see their families, talk to them or contact them on birthdays and anniversaries.
There can be many different reasons for this, sometimes involving childhood grievances, or arguments in adulthood resulting in distance and non-communication. Sometimes this happens after a parent died – he or she might have been the person who provided the ‘glue’ that kept the family together and once they’re no longer there, things fall apart. Support fo one another wanes and they feel like strangers to one another.
For some, they can cope with this, saying that everyone’s busy or that they have very different ideas about life in general – their politics, way of life, values and principles – and they accept that people are busy and, despite growing up together, they have little in common. There are so many ways that people can become estranged that it’s surprising that it doesn’t happen more often!

For others, it’s like an ongoing wound – they find it difficult to come to terms with the feeling of abandonment and hurt. When seeing clients, I came to realise that some families are very good at dealing with conflict – they discuss things, compromise and try to see things from each other’s points of views. With others, they’ve grown up in an atmosphere where arguments and conflict were never really resolved which means they haven’t picked up ways of dealing with different points of view without shouting and storming off!

If you’re someone who honestly wants to reconcile with your family, how can you go about it?

Forgiveness is a good start. This isn’t easy and you have to be sure that you’re ready for it – there’s always the chance of rejection and few of us want to put ourselves in that position. So, before you pick up the phone to take the first step, make sure you know what you want to say and acknowledge to yourself any part that you might have played in the situation.
If you manage to talk to your parents or siblings, take tiny steps. Don’t launch straight into what went wrong and start accusing them. Try general things, ask how they are and don’t react defensively if they seem aggressive.
Be patient – it took time to get to this stage and it will take time to recover.
However long the estrangement, people’s lives will have changed, whether it’s been weeks, months or years. Allow for that – they might have become more entrenched in their attitudes and, for that matter, so might you!
Keep reminding yourself what you want to achieve – communication and eventually meeting up might be the most to expect at this point.
Listen to what they have to say – you might not agree with them, but let them finish. Their feelings are important but if they shout, make it clear that you won’t tolerate that. You could say something along the lines of “I can see this has upset you and that isn’t what I wanted. None of it is easy, but I’ll ring again soon when we’ve both calmed down”.
If you say you’ll ring or write again in a few weeks, make sure that you do so – being consistent and reliable is vital.

These aren’t foolproof ways of mending bridges but they’ll almost certainly help if you want to work towards getting on better terms with one another again.

Hopefully you’ve enjoyed reading this blog and, if so, you can see my blogs as soon as they are published (usually on Wednesdays) by pressing the ‘follow’ button and you can share them with your friends. You can also find me on LinkedIn, Instagram (samebutdifferent) and read my FB posts every week at Same But Different #samebutdifferent #relationships # issues #bloggerforever #lovewriting #livingchange #makeitcount #canidothis #canyoudothis #ukblogger #femaleblogger

Are You Being Emotionally Blackmailed?

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There are often challenges, even in good relationships, and there can be times when people take advantage of you. They break boundaries and becoming controlling, sometimes without really realising that they’re doing so.

This can be the case whether it’s with friends, family, a partner or online but if you depend on these people for emotional support, it can be very hard, chipping away at your self-esteem. Going into a new year, the Christmas holiday might have highlighted how your own feelings and needs don’t seem to matter and you realise that you don’t want to carry on like this. If you’re asked to do something that you’re not keen on you and then feel pressurised to agree with whoever’s asking you, and particularly if this happens on a regular basis, then chances are that you’re being emotionally blackmailed. In other words, emotional blackmail often means that someone who’s close to you uses any feelings you have about obligation and guilt to get their own way.

This can include:

You feeling as if you’re tip-toeing around them – if you try to reason with them, it causes friction and you start to cave in and agree to whatever they’re demanding.
They’re manipulative and although they can appear charming so that you’ll comply with whatever they want, they’re actually quite threatening and you feel as if you’ll be punished if you don’t go along with what they want.
Them guilt-tripping you – if you have a healthy relationship there’s give and take but with emotional blackmail it’s different. They take advantage of your generosity and good nature, saying things like “Is it so unreasonable that I want you to do this for me?” or “You obviously don’t think as much of me as I thought”. You then feel that their demands are almost reasonable and that you’re being selfish.
Them never seeming to give up – it happens a lot and they keep repeating their behaviour until your own self-esteem is at an all-time low.

So, if you’ve started to recognise this pattern and want to make changes, how can you go about it? Changing patterns of your own behaviour isn’t easy but this is what it will take because the person or people who are using this tactic will rarely stop of their own accord. So, here are a few strategies to start you off:

Begin by putting down some boundaries – recognise that you’re good enough as you are without complying with every unreasonable demand made of you. Practise assertive responses such as “I can’t do that this time” and keep repeating it to yourself before trying it out when people are pressurising you.
Explain that they’re not taking you seriously and that you need to be treated with respect.
Find supportive friends that you can confide in, telling them how you feel pressurised, and work to wards feeling stronger and more confident.
If trying to reason with them doesn’t seem to be working, try to distance yourself from them so that you’re no longer in a vulnerable position.

Wish You Were More Resilient?

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I think most of us would answer “yes” to this question but what is resilience? The Oxford Languages definition says that ‘it’s the capacity to recover quickly from difficulties; toughness’. Even that is subjective though because what counts as ‘quickly’ can differ from person to person.

Another way of putting it is that mentally resilient people have certain traits that help them to cope with adversity; maybe it’s about learning valuable lessons from what seem like impossible setbacks and finding ways to get on with life despite problems and issues along the way.

Still, we all have bad days when things seem to get on top of us but if you often wish that you could ‘ride the storm’ when you face obstacles rather than feel anxious and depressed, how can you change that?

One way is to self-monitor, meaning that you have an awareness of your feelings and thoughts. It’s possible to regulate your feelings according to whatever the situation demands but this means being proactive about issues, reaching out for help – in other words, taking responsibility for your actions and seeing how what you do affects other people too.
So this is about accepting the consequences of your actions and choices, rather than adopting a victim role, blaming others for problems that you may have caused yourself. Sounds harsh? Well, it’s also about being self-compassionate during hard times whilst knowing that you’ve made an effort and done your best in often difficult circumstances.
Another way to change things is to try to see things from other peoples’ perspective and deal with what is actual reality rather than what we speculate is the case but has no substance. In other words, recognising the difference between internal feelings and what’s happening in the outside world.
This means adjusting your responses to the particular situation, looking for the more positive consequences rather than the negative ones. Not easy, but also not impossible.
Another part of becoming more resilient is dealing with the past and recognising that some situations and feelings that you’re experiencing now might stem from years ago. Maybe one of your parents often viewed things negatively or and this is what you learnt to do to. There may have been life events that affected your family in a very difficult way and these have meant that you now expect the worst outcome in situations that arise. Being able to process these events means that they don’t accumulate into disappointments and trauma and you can start seeing life from a new perspective.

As I’ve said before, changing things isn’t easy and takes determination and in the case of resilience and feeling more positive, learning different ways of coping can make a real difference.

Feeling Weighed Down By Grief?

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A lot of us have suffered bereavement and loss during the pandemic – maybe people we loved died during the past couple of years or our relationships suffered because of lockdown. Whatever happened, losing someone we love is one of the most difficult experiences that a lot of us face in our lives.

There’s no easy way to deal with what’s happened and no way to ‘fast-forward’ through all of the feelings, however much we would like that to happen. It’s a process, sometimes a long lonely one too, and there will be good days and bad days. Accepting that and remembering that when you have a bad day, things will seem brighter at some point, can be a help in itself.

As human beings, I think that most of us want to be happy (there are exceptions of course!) and incorporating grief into your everyday life is surely a better approach than expecting that you’ll eventually ‘get over it’. So, remember and celebrate the life of your loved-one if they’ve died, acknowledge your feelings (this is important, whatever loss you’ve experienced) and look after yourself even if you don’t always feel like it. Eat healthily and exercise – I’ve said this many time before but they really do make a difference! Be patient with yourself and reach out to other people too.

Time does help in some ways, but so do the above – try them and see what you think.

How Can You Stay In Love, Even When Things Are Really Tough?

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Isn’t this what we all dream of? A love that withstands anything and everything….but, as the song goes ‘Staying in Love Ain’t Easy’ (Wendell B.)

Our society creates a very romanticised, almost unrealistic image of what it is to be in love and it’s usually a lot quicker to fall in love than it is to fall out of love. That heady feeling can last a lifetime for many people but for many more it’s about recognising that people are unlikely to change what are their basic personality traits, much as we might want them to!

When I worked as a relationship counsellor and saw couples who felt that they were no longer in love, I tried to emphasise that both partners have to be willing to keep their love alive – it’s pretty hard for one person to keep things going if the other one is ‘opting out’ emotionally and physically. But, if you’re both committed to keeping your love alive and your life together happy, what can you do, even if things are difficult?

Start with what attracted you to your partner which could be any number of things – their sense of humour, kindness, their academic achievements or, quite possibly, a raw attraction which was mainly physical. But if it was enough to bring you together, it can hopefully be enough to keep you together in the long-term.

Fun and the friendship that you hopefully have are one of the most important parts of love – that’s paying attention to your partner, asking about their day, doing things together that you both enjoy and going out as a couple and with other couples too.

You need connection too – trying new activities together, showing empathy for the challenges they might be facing, even if you’d deal with it differently, dreaming and talking about your future together.

Intimacy is important to most of us – starting the day with a kiss, always kissing goodnight at the end of the day, telling them what you love about sex with them, holding hands. All of these are connections that keep people together.

Then there are the arguments – most couples have them, sometimes almost daily! If this is part of your relationship try to take responsibility for some part of the problem, avoid swearing and yelling during arguments and try to be clear and direct. Face your challenges together and see what you can do differently, especially if you’ve been fighting a lot.

Finally, there’s gratitude – telling them what you like about them, thanking them for working hard, appreciating their quirks and funny little ways as well as doing a chore that you know they hate, cooking their favourite meal and picking up the slack when they’re really busy.

No-one said that relationships are easy (well, they probably did, but they weren’t being realistic!), but trying to keep things fresh and helping one another along when things are really tough is a good start and can keep your relationship a loving one, even when you’re facing a lot of different hurdles. It’s really worth trying….

You can see my blogs as soon as they are published (usually on Wednesdays) by pressing the ‘follow’ button and you can share them with your friends. You can also find me on LinkedIn, Instagram (samebutdifferent) and read my FB posts at Same But Different. #loss #depression #mentalhealth #anger #melancholy