After pondering this a lot (after all, that’s what we counsellors and psychotherapists tend to do!), I’ve come to the conclusion that there’s not one single thing alone that makes for a happier life – it’s about a combination of factors. Most people strive to be happy or at least contented but it’s not always easy to achieve. So how do some people often seem to have a happy disposition, despite setbacks?

Having strong, supportive relationships is one part of it; better to have a few close friends and family members that you can rely on, than a lot of acquaintances that you might pass off as friends sometimes.

Taking part in social activities so that you connect with other people, even if they’re sometimes quite causal, can help you feel better too.

Most of us need a sense of purpose which is partly about a feeling of contributing something to our communities or friends. One of the sadnesses for older people is that they no longer feel that they can contribute much and they feel ‘invisible’. Having a goal, even a small one, helps most of us feel that we’re needed, whether that’s through hobbies, work or friendships.

Resilience is, I believe, a big part of happiness and fulfilment – it’s the ability to recover from setbacks and is essential for regaining or maintaining happiness.

Gratitude is a big part of happiness and wellbeing. Focusing on that, rather than what’s wrong with life helps most of us to feel more optimistic. Alongside that, it’s important to be kind to yourself, not expect too much of yourself every minute of the day.

A lot of the above partly depends on our physical health and sometimes, having an ongoing condition, makes life more difficult; much more difficult in fact. It can be restricting as well as isolating and I intend to cover that in a different blog but for those who are reasonably healthy, a healthy diet, exercise and enough sleep help our physical and emotional wellbeing enormously and that affects our happiness too.

Lastly, managing stress with techniques like yoga, meditation, spending time outside in the natural world and deep breathing helps a lot with coping with difficult situations and emotions.

Hopefully you’ve found this blog helpful and interesting – if so, I’d love it if you bought me a coffee ☕ (see tab at top of page). Thank you so much.

You can see my blogs as soon as they are published (usually on Wednesdays) by pressing the ‘follow’ button and you can share them with your friends. You can also find me on LinkedIn, Instagram (samebutdifferent) and read my FB posts every week at Same But Different #samebutdifferent #relationships # issues #bloggerforever #lovewriting #livingchange #makeitcount #canidothis #canyoudothis #ukblogger #femaleblogger #irishblogger

Much as you love your partner, you may well find them difficult some of the time or even most of the time. Maybe when you first met, they seemed charming and fun although a little challenging (which you possibly found very appealing in some ways!). But now, you’re finding that you’re second-guessing yourself, doubting your own decisions and, somehow, it’s not so much fun.

If you’ve tried being considerate, making excuses for them and not expecting too much, you may find yourself feeling hopeless at times. If your partner has the following traits, it’s time to find different strategies:

• Communication and discussion is vague – decisions that you made together somehow get changed or even denied.
• They often blame you for things – it’s never their fault. Actually, they may not always blame you; sometimes it’s their family, their friends, colleagues or even the weather but whoever or whatever is to blame, they’re not accountable and can’t be wrong.
• Instead of acting on facts, they only respond to their own feelings rather than what actually happened. This means that they make assumptions about what you’re feeling, whether it’s about your motives or your needs, and truly seem to believe to that they know you better than you know yourself!
• They’re incapable of self-reflection – looking inwards is almost impossible for them.
• Every disagreement turns nasty because any conversation that they can’t control will end with you giving in sooner or later, either because of an argument or because they become silent, ignoring you (passive-aggressive behaviour).

So, if you recognise this all too well, how can you deal with it?

Step one is to try to get the root of what is wrong – is there a bigger underlying problem? Try to see things from their perspective and reverse your roles to try to understand how they feel. Try to find the middle ground but make sure that your own needs are taken into account as well.

Keep calm, however hard that is, but if this is important to you, stick to what you feel is right stating your point of view calmly.

Try to understand their personality – everyone is different and things that you find easy to cope with, they may find very challenging. If you can find new and more positive ways to react, it will help to keep things smooth between you. That’s not to say that you have to be a pushover – if you honestly feel that you’ve been reasonable, don’t capitulate and fall in with what they want. You may have to withstand a day or two of silence which is unpleasant, but in the long-term, it might be worth it.

Pick your battles – not everything is worth arguing about so choose the issues that are really important to you and don’t waste your energy fighting about small things.

If they want space, try to give them that because if you have a balance in your lives, sometimes pursuing different hobbies and doing things in different ways, it can be very positive for your relationship.

If your partner is usually kind and loving, try to focus on that as much as possible.

Unfortunately, if you’ve given it your best shot over a period of time and things continue as they were, it might be time to walk away but before you do that, couples counselling is another option that will help you to clarify the situation between you. Although one or both of you might be resistant to this, it could be just the thing to put you back on the right track or clarify the fact that it’s best to separate – not easy, but sometimes the only reasonable option left.

Hopefully you’ve found this blog helpful and interesting – if so, I’d love it if you bought me a coffee ☕ (see tab at top of page). Thank you so much.

You can see my blogs as soon as they are published (usually on Wednesdays) by pressing the ‘follow’ button and you can share them with your friends. You can also find me on LinkedIn, Instagram (samebutdifferent) and read my FB posts every week at Same But Different #samebutdifferent #relationships # issues #bloggerforever #lovewriting #livingchange #makeitcount #canidothis #canyoudothis #ukblogger #femaleblogger #irishblogger

When I say your family, I mean either your parents, siblings or other relatives – maybe all of them! After spending time with them, chasms can appear in family relationships that didn’t see so obvious before.Some families are very close, meeting up as much as possible and spending time like Christmas together. However, the other side of that coin is that others don’t see their families, talk to them or contact them on birthdays and anniversaries.
There can be many different reasons for this, sometimes involving childhood grievances, or arguments in adulthood resulting in distance and non-communication. Sometimes this happens after a parent died – he or she might have been the person who provided the ‘glue’ that kept the family together and once they’re no longer there, things fall apart. Support for one another wanes and they feel like strangers to one another.
For some, they can cope with this, saying that everyone’s busy or that they have very different ideas about life in general – their politics, way of life, values and principles – and they accept that people have their own lives and, despite growing up together, they have little in common. There are so many ways that people can become estranged that it’s surprising that it doesn’t happen more often! For others, it’s like an ongoing wound – they find it difficult to come to terms with the feeling of abandonment and hurt. When seeing clients, I came to realise that some families are very good at dealing with conflict – they discuss things, compromise and try to see things from each other’s points of views. With others, they’ve grown up in an atmosphere where arguments and conflict were never really resolved which means they haven’t picked up ways of dealing with different points of view without shouting and storming off!

If you’re someone who honestly wants to reconcile with your family, how can you go about it?

• Forgiveness is a good start. This isn’t easy and you have to be sure that you’re ready for it – there’s always the chance of rejection and few of us want to put ourselves in that position. So, before you pick up the phone to take the first step, make sure you know what you want to say and acknowledge to yourself any part that you might have played in the situation.
• If you manage to talk to your parents or siblings, take tiny steps. Don’t launch straight into what went wrong and start accusing them. Try general things, ask how they are and don’t react defensively if they seem aggressive.
• Be patient – it took time to get to this stage and it will take time to recover.
• However long the estrangement, people’s lives will have changed, whether it’s been weeks, months or years. Allow for that – they might have become more entrenched in their attitudes and, for that matter, so might you!
• Keep reminding yourself what you want to achieve – communication and eventually meeting up might be the most to expect at this point.
• Listen to what they have to say – you might not agree with them, but let them finish. Their feelings are important but if they shout, make it clear that you won’t tolerate that. You could say something along the lines of “I can see this has upset you and that isn’t what I wanted. None of it is easy, but I’ll ring again soon when we’ve both calmed down”.
• If you say you’ll ring or write again in a few weeks, make sure that you do so – being consistent and reliable is vital.

Hopefully you’ve found this blog helpful and interesting – if so, I’d love it if you bought me a coffee ☕ (see tab at top of page). Thank you so much.

You can see my blogs as soon as they are published (usually on Wednesdays) by pressing the ‘follow’ button and you can share them with your friends. You can also find me on LinkedIn, Instagram (samebutdifferent) and read my FB posts every week at Same But Different #samebutdifferent #relationships # issues #bloggerforever #lovewriting #livingchange #makeitcount #canidothis #canyoudothis #ukblogger #femaleblogger #irishblogger

It can seem as if everyone else is happy and coupled-up and maybe you were the same a few weeks ago – looking forward to the future, having a few days off from work in the summer and spending time together and now this. If your partner was the one who decided to end it you might still be trying to come to terms with that and if you find out that he/she has already started seeing someone else, that can be the last straw!

How can that have happened so quickly? Were they seeing that person before they broke it off with you? These questions can haunt you in the middle of the night or any time you get a moment to think about them. You can look them up on FB, listen to your friends and endlessly wonder if your ex is as happy with them as you were together.

The feelings you experience can be gut-wrenching and pull at you all the time.

Whether it’s a ‘rebound relationship’ or whether they waited a few months or longer before getting together with someone new, there will be friends who will probably tell you about it if you all live close to one another. It’s tempting to ask lots of questions but, if possible, try not to – it won’t help and everything you find out will make things more painful, not less so.

So, to help you keep your sanity and stop you going into a dark place, here are a few ideas to keep you going along the way:

• Unless they left you for the other person, in which case it’s usually a betrayal, realise that your ex has the right to see someone new. It might seem unfair that while you’re struggling to get over the break-up they’ve already found someone new but people often do this because it helps them get through.
• It might be the right time for them, if not for you. It may seem callous that they’ve done this so quickly, but it often happens – a lot of people (not all) prefer to be part of a couple rather than being alone.
• Try to remember why you broke up, even if you don’t completely understand it yet. There was a reason although you probably can’t see it at the moment. At least you are no longer the one who has to put up with their lack of punctuality, spending habits, drinking or any number of other things that you now realise you found irritating! To explore this further, check out my book ‘The Way Up After Your Breakup’ available on Amazon https://amzn.eu/d/5AYjDdD
• It’s not a race to see who finds someone new first – you can’t speed through heartbreak and if you’re not in a place where you can envisage getting together with someone new so quickly, give yourself time.
• Don’t compare yourself with the new person – it’s tempting to do so and even to try to understand what your ex sees in that relationship but you’ll probably never know so don’t torture yourself about it.
• Avoid stalking them online – the internet has definitely made it harder to work through feelings of rejection because we can see updates about our exes lives. If you see that your ex has already gone on holiday with that person, you will relive the heartbreak. Try not to have even the tiniest peek at their profiles and photos.
• Accept that you’re bound to feel a bit strange – it’s going to feel weird but that’s actually  normal and not necessarily a signal that you want them back.
• Pull the focus back to you – this is the time to catch up with friends and family, find a new interest and enjoy what you have, doing what you want to do.

Hopefully you’ve found this blog helpful and interesting – if so, I’d love it if you bought me a coffee ☕ (see tab at top of page). Thank you so much.

You can see my blogs as soon as they are published (usually on Wednesdays) by pressing the ‘follow’ button and you can share them with your friends. You can also find me on LinkedIn, Instagram (samebutdifferent) and read my FB posts every week at Same But Different #samebutdifferent #relationships # issues #bloggerforever #lovewriting #livingchange #makeitcount #canidothis #canyoudothis #ukblogger #femaleblogger #irishblogger

When we experience loss, whether it’s related to someone close dying, getting divorced or losing our job, we all grieve in different ways. Grief is an acutely painful reaction to the loss we’ve experienced and there’s no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ way to feel.

One thing’s for sure though – it nearly always affects our relationships, particularly in marriage or partnerships: it can cause conflict, bring you closer together or make you feel disconnected from the person or people you live with.

Physical symptoms vary from person to person but often include confusion, anger, guilt, irritability, aggression or loss of interest in what’s going on around them.

Ideally, the shared experience of loss can bring people together so that they find solace and strength from one another and don’t feel so alone. Unfortunately, that’s not always the case and people who were once close, feel far apart. Understanding this can be the first step forward, whether it’s you who’s grieving, your partner or both of you.

If you can remember that there’s no set timeline for grieving and that it can take you by surprise at the unlikeliest of times, you’re more likely to get through it together rather than it driving you apart.

If you’re the one who’s experienced a loss, it’s easy to think that your partner doesn’t understand which creates more distance between you.  However, by giving each other time and talking honestly about how it feels for each of you there is light on the other side. Sorry about the clichés but it’s sometimes the best way of expressing what might happen or is happening right now.

If you’re the one doing the supporting, it can feel an uphill battle but small acts of kindness, gentleness and not taking the negative emotions so personally can help a lot. Taking care of your own health is important too – you can’t help someone as well if you’re too exhausted to get through the day.

Lastly, try to have faith that one day things will look a bit brighter even if that seems almost impossible right now.

Hopefully you’ve found this blog helpful and interesting – if so, I’d love it if you bought me a coffee ☕ (see tab at top of page). Thank you so much.

You can see my blogs as soon as they are published (usually on Wednesdays) by pressing the ‘follow’ button and you can share them with your friends. You can also find me on LinkedIn, Instagram (samebutdifferent) and read my FB posts every week at Same But Different #samebutdifferent #relationships # issues #bloggerforever #lovewriting #livingchange #makeitcount #canidothis #canyoudothis #ukblogger #femaleblogger #irishblogger