I wrote about this three years ago and since then I’ve noticed that it’s become quite a mainstream topic, with magazines publishing articles about it now. I wrote about it originally because I became aware that someone I knew was gaslighting me and I realised then how difficult it can be to deal with.

First of all though, if you’re in any doubt about where it comes from, gaslighting is a term that comes of the 1944 film Gaslight where a husband tried to convince his wife that she is going insane and eventually causes her to question herself and her whole life.

In a milder form, it’s now become a more focal term in counselling and psychotherapy and is usually to do with power and control in a relationship which can be from a partner, family member or work colleague. It is arguable that the ‘gaslighter’ (the one who perpetrates this situation) is also a narcissist but for the purpose of this blog I’m going to look at how the gaslighter often behaves; if you’re a victim of this type of manipulation, I also show how you can deal with it which is how I dealt with it when it happened to me, once I recognised it for what it was.

It usually goes like this:

• The gaslighter creates a narrative about the gaslightee which suggests that there’s something wrong and inadequate about them. This might be along the lines of “why do you always do that/say this – it’s unnecessary”. This can make the other person start to question themselves.
• Repetition – this type of conversation is repeated over and over again, sometimes in front of other people but more often when the target is alone with the gaslighter. This is a big clue.
• Escalation – if questioned, the gaslighter refutes evidence and attempts to make their lies and exaggerations look reasonable.
• Wearing down the victim – often the gaslighter wears down the victim who becomes fearful, self-doubting, resigned and pessimistic.
• The gaslighter appears to have the power – they will grant acceptance, respect and approval only if it suits them to do so (often in front of other people).
• They will occasionally give false hope – they will treat the victim with superficial kindness so that the victim thinks ‘maybe things will get better now’.
• They use people close to you as ammunition – one of the things that they use will be people that you’re close to, whom they’ll try to get onside in their subtle attacks on you.

So what can you do about it if you feel that you are the victim of a gaslighter?

• First of all, don’t take the bait and when you feel that they’re trying to undermine you, don’t fall into the trap of questioning yourself about what’s happened.
• Set some boundaries for yourself and them – you don’t have to answer all their questions if you find them intrusive and you can walk away if you want to.
• Keep your life as personal as possible – they’ll want to know every detail if you let them. Make sure that your journals and phone are out of their reach so that they can’t pry.
• Don’t introduce your friends to them – they’ll probably charm them and make you out to be the weird one. If you’re part of the same friendship group, keep your thoughts about the gaslighter to yourself unless you have absolute proof of what they’re doing.
  Don’t argue or discuss personal things with them – they have to ‘win’ at all costs.
• Walk away as much as possible – you can say ‘no’ and not engage in every conversation that the gaslighter wants to have with you.

If you feel that you’re the victim of a gaslighter and are finding it hard to cope, counselling may well be of help in this situation, or talk to a trusted friend – sharing your fears can really help, but only if you know that they’re not going to influenced in any way by the person who’s gaslighting you.

I hope tyou’ve found this blog helpful and interesting – if so, I’d love it if you bought me a coffee ☕ (see tab at top of page). Thank you so much.

You can see my blogs as soon as they are published (usually on Wednesdays) by pressing the ‘follow’ button and you can share them with your friends. You can also find me on LinkedIn, Instagram (samebutdifferent) and read my FB posts every week at Same But Different #samebutdifferent #relationships # issues #bloggerforever #lovewriting #livingchange #makeitcount #canidothis #canyoudothis #ukblogger #femaleblogger #irishblogger

Wishing you wonderful times in the months ahead.

Somehow, despite the fact that you might have lots of friends, a reasonable job and a life that seems happy on the surface, it’s still possibl?e to feel inadequate on a day-to-day basis. If you feel like this and wonder if you’re good enough at work or home, it’s quite likely that you’re dealing with feelings of inadequacy.

It can hit you quite suddenly sometimes, whatever your gender or age, and have nothing to do with your actual abilities or performance. In fact, these sort of feelings aren’t unusual and have more to do with low self-confidence rather than what you achieve on a day-to-day basis. These feelings of insecurity can shock us at times, especially if we’ve been confident in the past and can cause anger, insecurity, a withdrawing from things you used to enjoy and lack of motivation. We all experience these feelings sometimes, but if you’ve felt them more lately, what can you do about it?

• Learn to regulate your emotions as they’re then easier to manage – for instance, negative emotions can diminish our ability think clearly and make decisions which has the knock-on effect of fuelling feelings of inadequacy.
• Modify your expectations and don’t set unachievable goals; I mentioned this in my last blog too, but that’s because we set ourselves up for failure if our goals are consistently too high.
• If part of your inadequacy stems from your work, particularly if you’ve taken on a new role, get help with the things you’re struggling with. You may need to go on a course to help at this point, but remember that no-one is good at everything they do straight away, even if it sometimes seems like that!
• Develop some self-compassion and practice this every day, either with a short meditation each morning or writing down your strengths in a journal. There will be more than you realised, once you get started. Things that you may take for granted about yourself are probably qualities that other people admire in you. Not that you’re dependent on others to make you feel adequate, but recognising what makes you competent in a lot of areas will help you to feel better about being a capable human being.
• Ask other people for help – choose someone that you trust and talk about how you’re feeling.

Hopefully, by practising the above every day, your feelings of inadequacy will subside and you’ll go back to enjoying life rather than constantly doubting yourself.

You can see my blogs as soon as they are published (usually on Wednesdays) by pressing the ‘follow’ button and you can share them with your friends. You can also find me on LinkedIn, Instagram (samebutdifferent) and read my FB posts every week at Same But Different #samebutdifferent #relationships # issues #bloggerforever #lovewriting #livingchange #makeitcount #canidothis #canyoudothis #ukblogger #femaleblogger #irishblogger

Losing someone we love is one of the most difficult experiences that a lot of us face in our lives. There’s no feeling like it and no timeline to feel better.

There’s no easy way to deal with what’s happened and no way to ‘fast-forward’ through all of the feelings, however much we would like that to happen.  It’s a process, sometimes a long lonely one too, and there will be good days and bad days. Accepting that and remembering that when you have a bad day, things will seem brighter at some point, can be a help in itself. You’ll experience numbness, disbelief, anger and sadness, sometimes all of those in one day so it’s certainly not easy.

As human beings, I think that most of us want to be happy (there are exceptions of course!) and incorporating grief into your everyday life is surely a better approach than expecting that you’ll eventually ‘get over it’. So, remember and celebrate the life of your loved-one, acknowledge your feelings (this is important, whatever loss you’ve experienced) and look after yourself even if you don’t always feel like it. Eat healthily and exercise – I’ve said this many time before but they really do make a difference!

Be patient with yourself and reach out to other people too. As I have found on a personal level, some people that you thought you could count on, just aren’t there for you, which is a huge disappointment. But, people that you might have under-estimated previously, can often be the ones who listen carefully, don’t put pressure on you and are a balm to your sensitive feelings.

Time does help in some ways, but so do the above – try them and see what you think. They are not a ‘quick-fix’ because really, there’s no such thing for grief but they will hopefully help on a day-to-day basis, especially when you’re really struggling.

I hope tyou’ve found this blog helpful and interesting – if so, I’d love it if you bought me a coffee ☕ (see tab at top of page). Thank you so much.

You can see my blogs as soon as they are published (usually on Wednesdays) by pressing the ‘follow’ button and you can share them with your friends. You can also find me on LinkedIn, Instagram (samebutdifferent) and read my FB posts every week at Same But Different #samebutdifferent #relationships # issues #bloggerforever #lovewriting #livingchange #makeitcount #canidothis #canyoudothis #ukblogger #femaleblogger #irishblogger

A lot of us have been guilty of scrolling online to see how other couples manage their relationships or, if social media isn’t your thing, possibly comparing your relationship to those of your friends. While this can be harmless, it can also lead to unhealthy expectations. 

If your relationship is in its early stages, you’re probably pretty optimistic about your goals for the future being similar to those of your partner, but have you checked that out? If you’re in a long-term committed relationship, you’ll know that your priorities, and therefore your goals, are probably very different now from when you started out together.

The best way forward in a new relationship is talking about your priorities and what’s important to you. That means discussing whether or not you want children – this can be a big sticking point because although one of you might agree to defer having a family, actually not wanting children is a very different thing and although it’s tempting to think that the other person might change their mind, you can’t count on that; nor should you because even if there’s a lot of love between you, it doesn’t mean that one or other of you wants children. In the same way, if one of you travels a lot for work and that’s likely to continue, but the other one wants to live in one place and put down roots, a conversation needs to be had about this difference. One important thing is to be true to yourself because if you’re not, ultimately it will prove hard to be happy in your relationship.

Peoples’ priorities change and giving your partner permission to change and grow isn’t always easy. If they change what they thought they wanted, try to treat them with encouragement and kindness; in other words, in the same way that you’d like to be treated if you changed what you thought you wanted. Sometimes, one of you has to give up your dreams for a while so that your partner can achieve their goals – that can be a big sacrifice but easier if you’re confident that your partner will do the same for you in the future. Before you agree to that, look back on other decisions in your relationship – is your partner usually reliable and do they keep to what they said they’d do? If you’re the one making concessions, are you likely to bring this up every time you argue, brooding on whatever’s happened and not enjoying your relationship in the moment?

The main thing is that each of you has to have satisfaction as a couple otherwise it will impact the relationship itself. Having different life goals can leave you wondering if your relationship will work at all so if you can resolve these in the early stages of your relationship, all the better. If you’re several years down the line, compromise and talking to each other is the key to understanding what’s happing. This is the time to focus on what you have in common and what brings you together when times are hard.

Don’t sweat the small stuff – rather than focusing on the little things, look at the bigger picture. Where do you want to be as a couple and a family in five years’ time? Try to bring your attention back to all the similarities that you share.

It’s almost impossible to come to an agreement on everything in your lives but there’s often room for compromise, so is there a way to meet in the middle? You should never give in and say “yes” if it goes totally against what you really want. Compromise means both of you giving a little bit, but not everything.

We all change and even have the right to change but that’s not easy for anyone concerned. You might even surprise yourself with the changes you want! Being open-minded is helpful, as is growing together as opposed to growing apart and being open to new ideas.

If you can’t find a reasonable compromise, couples counselling might well support you along the way – sometimes it helps to have another qualified person to support both of you whilst you look at the different options and how things might be resolved between you.

Hopefully you’ve found this blog helpful and interesting – if so, I’d love it if you bought me a coffee ☕ (see tab at top of page). Thank you so much.

You can see my blogs as soon as they are published (usually on Wednesdays) by pressing the ‘follow’ button and you can share them with your friends. You can also find me on LinkedIn, Instagram (samebutdifferent) and read my FB posts every week at Same But Different #samebutdifferent #relationships # issues #bloggerforever #lovewriting #livingchange #makeitcount #canidothis #canyoudothis #ukblogger #femaleblogger #irishblogger