It may have taken you some time to realise that you’re sharing your life with someone who isn’t really available for you on an emotional level. Maybe you were so in love in the early days that you thought that their reticence was due to them having been hurt before or because they came from a family that didn’t demonstrate their feelings towards one another.
Whatever the reason, over time living with someone who’s emotional distant can take its toll and it’s not just women who complain about this as men can also find their partners disconnected on a deeper level.

Ideally, it’s better to deal with this early on in the relationship when you start to notice that they’re always guarded when it comes to their emotions; it’s a good idea to let them know how you feel about it. Be clear about what you expect and want from them and if they’re willing to be open with you, the relationship has a good chance of developing.

However, if you’re some years down the line and things haven’t changed you may well feel very disappointed because most of us need strong relationships where feelings are expressed openly. It’s natural to want deep and meaningful interactions with the person we love.

You may find yourself thinking “They seem completely oblivious to my feelings”, “What does it take to get through to them?” or “They care more about their work/the children than they do about me”.

So if this is you and you want to stay with your partner (they’ve got lots of good points and you’re generally compatible), before you get completely disillusioned, how can you manage that? Well, you could try the following and see if things improve:

• Although you may have done so many times before, encourage them to sit down and try to find out what’s happening. It may be that they’ve always been like this, but if you’ve tried talking many times before and they want to change it may be that they’ll need to access counselling to learn how to open up to you.
• Having said that, once you’ve tried to ‘fix it’ and found that you just can’t (we can’t really change a person – they need to do it themselves), try to work out whether you might be able to get used to it. I’m not suggesting that you tolerate something that you find completely untenable, but it may be that they have a lot of good points and it’s worth concentrating on those, rather than focussing on their lack of emotions.
• Shift your focus: give them time to think over what you’ve said and then change the focus to yourself by getting involved in things that interest you, making sure that you’re busy and happy doing things that leave you feeling fulfilled.
• Realise and accept that you can only do so much – if your partner cannot contribute to your relationship in a way that fulfils at least some of your emotional needs, you may need to think about the future and whether you want to live like that. People do manage this because they feel that the positives outweigh the negatives, but you’re the only one who can make that ultimate decision.

Hopefully you’ve found this blog helpful and interesting – if so, IF SO I’D LOVE IT IF YOU BOUGHT ME A COFFEE (see tab at top of page).

Anyway, let me know your thoughts on it. You can see my blogs as soon as they are published (usually on Wednesdays) by pressing the ‘follow’ button and you can share them with your friends. You can also find me on LinkedIn, Instagram (samebutdifferent) and read my FB posts every week at Same But Different #samebutdifferent #relationships # issues #bloggerforever #lovewriting #livingchange #makeitcount #canidothis #canyoudothis #ukblogger #femaleblogger #irishblogger

This happens to a lot of people – their partner is still friendly with his/her ex and some people are fine with this but others hate it and see it as a threat. What do you think about it?

It’s natural to assume something is going on if your partner is still friends with their ex (or exes) but try to bear in mind that a lot of people find it a perfectly healthy situation, especially as a lot of breakups are filled with drama so staying friendly can be seen as a bit of an achievement.

However, not all such friendships are healthy, especially if some feelings are unresolved and one person hopes there’s a chance that they’ll get back together.

In general (and this might not apply to you and your partner) it’s okay if:

• Both of them have clear boundaries – for instance, they don’t keep texting one another every day or expect the other one to change plans for them.
• They share a lot of mutual friends and there’s a good chance that everyone will meet up and some point.
• Your partner and their ex actually started out as friends anyway – It’s often easier to go back to being friends then.
• They have children together – being on friendly terms is better for everyone concerned, but particularly for the children.
• They work together – it’s better if they’re on friendly terms when they’re working and it might be impossible for them to avoid one another in the working environment, besides which, it’s difficult for other colleagues if there’s an ongoing atmosphere.
• If they broke up years ago and have redefined their relationship so that they can meet up as two people who get on well but have no desire to get back together.

But what if it’s not like that? For instance, it’s not okay if:

• Your partner turns to their ex if he/she is having a hard time with you. It’s unhealthy and disloyal because turning to their ex can become a habit – one which you probably don’t want to encourage!
• Their ex is having a hard time letting go or moving on. That’s not healthy for anyone involved.
• Your partner and their ex don’t include you – in that case, trust your gut instinct and speak up about it. They may say that it’s alright and call you ‘jealous’ or ‘paranoid’, but if you feel that something’s going on behind your back, it’s putting a strain on your own relationship.
• If their relationship was unhealthy anyway, staying in touch as friends can prove to be quite toxic for everyone concerned.
• Their ex isn’t happy about the relationship you now have with him/her. Maybe they’ve said nasty things about you and shown a lack of respect, in which case it’s not healthy for your partner to remain in contact.

So maybe it’s fine for people to be on friendly terms with their ex, but it’s easy to cross the line, so if something is making you feel uncomfortable, speak up and be honest about your feelings. Communication between you and your partner is the key to your relationship becoming stronger and more committed as time goes on.

Hopefully you’ve found this blog interesting – IF SO, I’D BE DELIGHTED IF YOU’D BUY ME A COFFEE (see tab at top of page).

Anyway, let me know your thoughts about today’s post. You can see my blogs as soon as they are published (usually on Wednesdays) by pressing the ‘follow’ button and you can share them with your friends. You can also find me on LinkedIn, Instagram (samebutdifferent) and read my FB posts every week at Same But Different #samebutdifferent #relationships # issues #bloggerforever #lovewriting #livingchange #makeitcount #canidothis #canyoudothis #ukblogger #femaleblogger #irishblogger

According to an article I read online a couple of years ago, a Japanese man found a way of earning a modest living by renting himself out to people who wanted a companion, whether  because they were lonely, bored and wanted someone to accompany them to a hospital appointment or, when it was possible, to a social event.

Maybe you read the same article…..if so, what did you think about it?

Apparently, Shoji Morimoto, who’s 39 years old, received thousands of requests for his services and rented himself out under the name of ‘Rental Person Who Does Nothing’. He charged about 10,000 yen which is around £70 and added on expenses for any travel and meals. He met clients for a chat and a drink but nothing more than that. In fact, he advertised himself as a person who could “eat and drink, and give simple feedback, but do nothing more”. As well as having thousands of Twitter followers he’s published books, although I couldn’t find them online, but presumably they’re based around his experiences of going for a walk with clients, shopping with them or accompanying them when they have appointments with a professional. As far as I can tell, his business is still going strong.

In some ways, I’m thinking that this is a very worthwhile service, but also – it’s sad that we live in a society where people have to pay someone to alleviate their feeling of being alone. I doubt that this is confined to Japan as loneliness affects people worldwide although I suspect not so much in collectivist cultures. However, apparently that isn’t true as people don’t seem to be lonelier in societies that are traditionally labelled ‘individualistic’.  It’s common to live alone in those societies but it doesn’t always go hand in hand with loneliness. Interesting…..  see the link below for more information about this:

https://ourworldindata.org/lonely-not-alone

If you’ve spent five years or fifty years in a relationship and that person is no longer there, either because they’ve died or left, it can leave a huge hole when you’ve been used to having someone to share your life with. Even if you didn’t do a lot together and had few shared interests, that person was there physically at least. The same goes for a sibling or close friend – if they’re no longer in your life, for whatever reason, the void left can be very hard to fill Maybe you’ve decided to try to find more people to share your life with, not necessarily in a relationship, but you want people who provide a degree of companionship that you feel you’re missing. If so, going for a walk every day and just saying “hello” to whoever you meet along the way as well as texting someone in your family or a friend to see how they are is a good start. I know that this isn’t as easy as it might sound, but you could try joining a group that interests you as well. I understand that these sort of suggestions can be exhausting but companionship and friends don’t always arrive in your life when you want or need them and although it’s better if they happen naturally, sometimes we have to go out there and find them, hard though that is.

So I’m saying that it’s not easy to make these changes but if you try them, you may well find the companionship that’s important to you.

If you’ve enjoyed reading this blog, I’d be delighted if you bought me a coffee – see the tab at the top of this page.

I’d also be interested to know what you think about this blog and what I’ve written so do comment if you’d like to do so.

You can see my blogs as soon as they are published (usually on Wednesdays) by pressing the ‘follow’ button and you can share them with your friends. You can also find me on LinkedIn, Instagram (samebutdifferent) and read my FB posts every week at Same But Different #samebutdifferent #relationships # issues #bloggerforever #lovewriting #livingchange #makeitcount #canidothis #canyoudothis #ukblogger #femaleblogger #irishblogger

A judgmental person is usually describes someone who judges others, often without good reason – it’s almost always negative. As well as hurting other people’s feelings, even when that isn’t necessarily meant in a harmful way, being judgmental about others people can affect your own self-esteem and happiness.

As you may have found, judgmental people are everywhere! You might even be one of them without even realising it. But, if you’re the one feeling judged, how can you deal with it so that it doesn’t drag you down? Here are a few ideas:

• Try to look at it as a life lesson. View every interaction with a judgmental person as a bit of a ‘test’ that you’re going to try to pass. You can either respond with negativity, attack them back or choose a positive response. By that I mean, try to turn around what they said and give it a positive spin.
• Be compassionate. People aren’t born judgmental so something will have happened to them to make them like that. Maybe their family judged them along with everything else and it’s the only way they know. It doesn’t make their behaviour any better but you may be able to find a bit of empathy for them. As the Dalai Lama said “If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion”.
• Most of us find this pretty difficult and assume that someone’s doing or saying something because of us. However, highly judgmental people find fault with everyone (and everything!), especially themselves. They always behave like this, whatever the circumstances. If you protect yourself against the opinions and actions of other people, you won’t suffer unnecessarily.
• Look beyond what is the obvious and, as I said earlier, most judgmental people are very critical of themselves. Often, what they’re saying about you or someone else is a reflection of how they feel about themselves. Try to remember that when they’re making a judgmental comment about you or someone else.
• Look upon them as children – if you can do that, you can extend it to not expecting them (children) to know everything and tolerating bad behaviour. Of course, we think that once a person’s an adult they should know better, having worked a lot of things out. However, many adults don’t really “get it” so if you can think of them as a child who’s still learning and growing, it will be easier to be more compassionate.
• Maybe someone in your family is particularly judgmental of you – obviously that’s difficult but try to put their behaviour into context and try to find some positives in the situation (not easy, I know!) but if you try to focus on other family members who value you, that will help.
• Remember, you don’t have to believe them. Just because someone judges you, doesn’t mean that what they’re saying is right or true! Most of these judgements are someone else’s opinion – they take pleasure in dragging someone else down but that doesn’t mean that you have to take their ideas on board!
• Finally, focus your attention on the other people who support and love you. If you can avoid or remove the judgmental person from your life, all well and good. But if it’s a family member or your boss, try to put some distance between you when possible. Surround yourself with people who love you and want what’s best for you.
• Hopefully you’ve found this blog interesting – if so, maybe you’d like to buy me a coffee. See the tab at the top of this page.
• Do let me know your thoughts on it. You can see my blogs as soon as they are published (usually on Wednesdays) by pressing the ‘follow’ button and you can share them with your friends. You can also find me on LinkedIn, Instagram (samebutdifferent) and read my FB posts every week at Same But Different #samebutdifferent #relationships # issues #bloggerforever #lovewriting #livingchange #makeitcount #canidothis #canyoudothis #ukblogger #femaleblogger #irishblogger

It’s an uncomfortable feeling and often baffling as to why some people would choose to put us, or others, ‘on the spot’. Why do they do it and how can you deal with it?

Some of it is to do with ‘emotional intelligence’ and being able to read emotions – some people haven’t developed that, either because of poor role models when they were younger or perhaps they’ve been encouraged to ‘say it how it is’ (often a recipe for rudeness, I’ve found!).  Some people are good at understanding others through their facial expressions or their voices, but not everyone can, or wants to, do that.

Or another reason for putting you in a tricky position could be that they do it before something similar or awkward happens to them – either way, if you’re the butt of difficult questions or remarks, how do you deal with it?

Here are a few pointers that will hopefully help:

• Trust yourself – this sounds easy but if you often dismiss your own ideas, thinking that they’re ‘silly’ or not worth thinking about, other people will often do the same. So, trust what you’re thinking and value your plans and thoughts.
• If you know that a certain person often tries to make you feel embarrassed or awkward, try preparing a few things that you might say in return, such as “I hear what you’re saying but I need some time to think about it” or “That’s interesting; I’m not sure if I agree but maybe you could say a bit more….?”. In other words, don’t react defensively, but try to maintain some dialogue with that person.
• Speak slowly, if you decide to answer what they’re asking or saying. Take a deep breath (or two!) before you get flustered.
• If someone is verging on being really nasty and is trying to make you look small, remember that you deserve respect and make it clear to them that you won’t tolerate their put-downs.
• Look up assertiveness training on-line and then join a course. It can make all the difference!

Hopefully you’ve found this blog interesting – let me know your thoughts on it and if you really liked it, you can buy me a coffee! (See the tab at the top of this page). You can see my blogs as soon as they are published (usually on Wednesdays) by pressing the ‘follow’ button and you can share them with your friends. You can also find me on LinkedIn, Instagram (samebutdifferent) and read my FB posts every week at Same But Different

#samebutdifferent #relationships # issues #bloggerforever #lovewriting #livingchange #makeitcount #canidothis #canyoudothis #ukblogger #femaleblogger #irishblogger

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