Category Archives: Social anxiety

Coping With Changes At Home

At this time of year, our nearly-adult children are often heading off to university or college and even though you’ve always known that this would probably be the case, it’s still quite difficult to cope with when it happens. Suddenly, there’s a big hole in your life and although you’re probably excited and proud for them, it’s normal to feel sadness when they go.

When it happens, it will change the dynamics in your household – if it’s your first child, any other children will feel the loss too. They may not always had an amicable relationship with their sibling but that doesn’t mean that they won’t miss them when they’ve finally gone. Also, if you have a partner, it will undoubtedly affect your relationship too – it can seem great to have more freedom (and maybe money) to do what you want, when you want, but it will probably affect both of you differently. If you’re single parent, the prospect of now living alone can seem very daunting.

Up until now, you’ve had someone to look out for, often shop for and generally help whenever you can. You’ll always worry about them, even when they become adults, but now it will be different.

If you have planned for this, it might help you to adapt when the time comes – it’s a chance to explore different interests that you may not have had time for before. Or, if money’s tight (and that’s happening more and more for many people), you might increase your working hours. However you decide to spend your time, it’s normal to mourn the loss of what was even if you know the change is a good thing really. Something that’s useful to say to yourself is “What could I do instead?”

This is a time to reflect, whether you’re a single parent, in a relationship or the change at home isn’t, for whatever reason, really what you wanted. Structure and routine can help a lot and be a comfort even if it’s not what you usually enjoy. So, go for a morning walk, visit the same pub or coffee house that you usually do and try to stick to a routine for eating and sleeping, at least until your body and mind have caught up with the changes going on.

Try to listen to soothing music, take a warm bath or meditate – anything that comforts you whilst you’re adapting to the changes. It will take time but eventually it will become your ‘new normal’ and even though you’ll still miss your old life at times, you’ll be able to look forward to what the future will bring. Change is never easy, but embrace it as much as you can and try to enjoy what’s happening right now.

I hope that you’ve found this blog interesting – let me know your thoughts on it. You can see my blogs as soon as they are published (usually on Wednesdays) by pressing the ‘follow’ button and you can share them with your friends. You can also find me on LinkedIn, Instagram (samebutdifferent) and read my FB posts every week at Same But Different #samebutdifferent #relationships # issues #bloggerforever #lovewriting #livingchange #makeitcount #canidothis #canyoudothis #ukblogger #femaleblogger #irishblogger

Do You Bottle Up Your Emotions?

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On 9 March 2021 the comedian Jennifer Saunders spoke about her long marriage to Adrian Edmondson saying “”We are masters of keep it in, get over it, move on”. (see link below).

https://www.femalefirst.co.uk/tv/news/jennifer-saunders-never-argues-husband-1285266.html

As a counsellor and psychotherapist, this is not something I’d usually recommend although it certainly seems to work for Jennifer! However, she does go onto say that she often talks to a friend who, I quote, “helps me sort out my feelings about things and people’.

But, for a lot of people, talking about their feelings within relationships (whether that’s with a partner, family member or friend) is necessary so that resentments don’t build up and so that they can interact in a healthy way.

So, how to go about creating this emotional intimacy?

First of all, think about what or who has disappointed you, how it’s impacted on you and how you feel. It’s alright to say that you’re not sure about how you feel, that you’re confused and have mixed emotions.

If you’re struggling with talking about deep topics, ask yourself why this is. Maybe it taps into fears of being abandoned or rejected but if one person consistently avoids deeper subjects, anger can escalate or, the other extreme, one person shuts down their underlying emotions to try to keep the peace.

But, it’s the deep emotions that often keep a meaningful connection and it also stops ongoing negative patterns where communication is concerned.

So, how to start? Well, first of all, don’t say “we need to talk” which can make the other person feel like a five-year old, but instead say “I need to talk”. That shows that you know what you’re going to say is subjective. Following on from that, speak ‘adult to adult’ rather than parent to child. If you feel that you’re getting into a parental role with the other person, who will feel as if they’re being ‘told off’, make a conscious effort to get back to a place where you’re communicating as equals.

Remember, the person you’re interacting doesn’t exist to satisfy your every emotional need. Although your feelings are important, the other person has a right to feel differently and have their own feelings. Sometimes, ultimately you may have to agree to differ, even if that’s very frustrating.

Be patient with each other – differences often mean that you’re both experiencing things differently.

Lastly, don’t underestimate non-verbal communication. A light touch on the arm or a kiss on the cheek shows the other person that ultimately you’re thinking of them in a kind and loving way.

Hopefully you’ve found this blog interesting – let me know your thoughts on it. You can see my blogs as soon as they are published (usually on Wednesdays) by pressing the ‘follow’ button and you can share them with your friends. You can also find me on LinkedIn, Instagram (samebutdifferent) and read my FB posts every week at Same But Different #samebutdifferent #relationships # issues #bloggerforever #lovewriting #livingchange #makeitcount #canidothis #canyoudothis #ukblogger #femaleblogger #irishblogger

Are You Dealing With A Manipulator?

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It’s easy to think of someone who’s a master/mistress of manipulation as a hideous figure who sits there with arms folded, looking forbidding. If only it was that! It’s rarely that easy to spot a manipulator – think more of a wolf in sheep’s clothing where you can think that someone is harmless, rather than calculating and furtive.

Do you suspect that this is happening to you and that someone you know is gradually gaining control of you or someone close to you? So what should you look out for?

Someone who is very charismatic and excessively nice; there are people who do have those characteristics and are genuine, but nevertheless, be aware that not everyone falls into that category.
They will do almost anything to get you to trust them, including confiding in you so that you feel ‘special’.
They play the victim to try to get their own way.
They’re often passive-aggressive, saying one thing and meaning or doing another.
They use the silent treatment against you if you question them.

So if you recognise some or all of the above, what can you do? Well, it’s not easy but recognising what’s happening is a good start (even though it’s hard if you really like someone).Then – try taking a step back, in a literal sense as well as emotionally. This is because manipulators often attempt to pat you on the shoulder or back, using the physical proximity as well as cajoling you to pressurise you into doing what they want.

Try to stay emotionally neutral by not reacting in an emotional way. By staying calm and responding to criticism (there’s almost always criticism!), you minimise them playing on your vulnerability. So responding with sentences like “I disagree with what you’re saying about me so I’m leaving it there” and refuse to enter further discussion on that particular subject.

Tell them that you no longer respond to calls and texts are 9p.m. and before 9a.m. each day. There’s no need to give a long explanation, just say that it works better for you.

Look them in the eye – it can be very intense but is often a tactic used by manipulators. You may have to practice this but it will be worth it.

If they say that you ‘always’ do a particular thing (usually something that they don’t like!), ask them for examples of other times that it’s happened. Unless they can cite six other examples, ‘always’ isn’t true and you can tell them this.

They often know how to push your buttons, but you do have the power to say “I’m not going to do this and you have to accept it” and then keep to that.

Lastly, but perhaps most importantly, don’t let yourself become isolated. A manipulator will try to get you to withdraw from your family or other friends. Instead of withdrawing, start spending more time those people who are usually close to you – it will help you to break free from a manipulator’s grip over you.

It won’t be easy, but keep trying the above and you will be able to live your life freely without fear of upsetting someone who wants to manipulate you.

What Exactly Are Attachment Issues?

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You’ve probably heard the phrase before and maybe someone’s even suggested that you might have attachment issues yourself, but what exactly does it mean?

Well, attachment is the deep emotional connection formed in the first instance between a child and the person providing their care; the quality of this connection is critical in the emotional development of children. If it’s a secure bond, or attachment, it’s the basis for resilience and positive relationships as these children grow into adults; however, if it isn’t secure – for instance, the caregiver, perhaps through no fault of their own, can’t provide reliable, and also consistent, care this can affect the mental health and future relationships as the children move into adulthood. If a child has many changing caregivers, or they’re insensitive, the child is neglected or they experience trauma, all these factors affect the attachment bond.

As adults, people with insecure attachment issues often find difficulty in forming emotional or physical bonds with other people, maintaining boundaries is hard and they can experience anxiety, mood changes and intense reactions to changes, particularly in their routines, and sometimes engage in high-risk behaviours like substance abuse.

If you, or someone close to you, is experiencing these issues, be reassured that there is help available and therapy is an important part of recovery.

Talking therapy involving one-to-one counselling or as a family can help to address attachment issues, making sense of all the different feelings and addressing the challenges involved; it’s about finding coping strategies to deal with all the different feelings that surface. Starting to understand how past experiences in childhood can have a drastic effect on present relationships is the start of the therapeutic process. In other words, to deal with it, you need to acknowledge it.

It’s also important to realise that people with attachment issues haven’t always had the opportunity to nurture good habits of self-care so remembering to eat nutritiously, exercise regularly and learn self-soothing skills is important.

There is also a lot of online help for attachment issues so these are worth reading through as well. If you feel that you’ve been affected by some of the issues I’ve written about, give yourself a chance to read more and seek therapeutic help if you feel you need more support. It’s important to feel that you can make changes, even if your childhood was lacking in ideal nurturing relationships.

How Hard Is It To Change Your Behaviour?

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Any counsellor and psychotherapist will tell you that you can only change your behaviour if you really want to – it can be done, but it often takes hard work.

However, don’t despair, because if you’ve decided that you really want to change, starting with some small steps can make a big difference. There are often some common patterns that can hold you back though – here are some of them; take a look and see if they resonate with you and, if so, what you can do about them.

One of the first, and most compelling, is negative self-talk; to make some real changes, start believing in yourself and replace self-criticism with some positive affirmations like “I can do this if I put my mind to it”. Believing in yourself is really important.
Fear of failure is also something that will hold you back, even if you’re determined to change. It can hold you back in a big way but try to recognise that in order to grow, you’ll inevitably make mistakes but these are natural and are part of your development.
Procrastination is a big one too and can really hold us back when we’re trying to change. Try to prioritise your tasks and aim to be consistent, setting small goals along the way so that you’re often achieving some progress even if it’s not as quick as we’d like!
Don’t compare yourself to other people – nothing’s more demoralising than constantly making comparisons. If you’re doing this, try to avoid social media for a while – instead, focus on yourself and your personal growth.
Trying to please other people and a desire to make them happy or do what they expect of you means that you can often neglect your own needs. Thinking about yourself isn’t selfish, even if that’s a message that you took from childhood, but it’s essential if you want to change and prioritise yourself at times.
Lastly, try to set more boundaries with friends, family and colleagues – the hardest thingabout change is that other people in your life may not like it. They say things like “you never used to react like that” and “why have you changed? You were always so easy-going” – these comments make it harder to change and we default back to our old ways. Of course people in your life preferred it when you fell in with their ideas and needs and they won’t always want you to change but for your own long-term happiness, it can be a life-changer, so give it a go.