A lot of us have suffered bereavement and loss during the pandemic – maybe people we loved died during the past couple of years or our relationships suffered because of lockdown. Whatever happened, losing someone we love is one of the most difficult experiences that a lot of us face in our lives.

There’s no easy way to deal with what’s happened and no way to ‘fast-forward’ through all of the feelings, however much we would like that to happen.  It’s a process, sometimes a long lonely one too, and there will be good days and bad days. Accepting that and remembering that when you have a bad day, things will seem brighter at some point, can be a help in itself.

As human beings, I think that most of us want to be happy (there are exceptions of course!) and incorporating grief into your everyday life is surely a better approach than expecting that you’ll eventually ‘get over it’. So, remember and celebrate the life of your loved-one if they’ve died, acknowledge your feelings (this is important, whatever loss you’ve experienced) and look after yourself even if you don’t always feel like it. Eat healthily and exercise – I’ve said this many time before but they really do make a difference! Be patient with yourself and reach out to other people too.

Time does help in some ways, but so do the above – try them and see what you think.

Hopefully you’ve enjoyed reading this blog and, if so, you can see my blogs as soon as they are published (usually on Wednesdays) by pressing the ‘follow’ button and you can share them with your friends. You can also find me on LinkedIn, Instagram (samebutdifferent) and read my FB posts every week at Same But Different #samebutdifferent #relationships # issues #bloggerforever #lovewriting #livingchange #makeitcount #canidothis #canyoudothis #ukblogger #femaleblogger

Isn’t this what we all dream of? A love that withstands anything and everything….but, as the song goes ‘Staying in Love Ain’t Easy’ (Wendell B.)

Our society creates a very romanticised, almost unrealistic image of what it is to be in love and it’s usually a lot quicker to fall in love than it is to fall out of love. That heady feeling can last a lifetime for many people but for many more it’s about recognising that people are unlikely to change what are their basic personality traits, much as we might want them to!

When I worked as a relationship counsellor and saw couples who felt that they were no longer in love,  I tried to emphasise that both partners have to be willing to keep their love alive – it’s pretty hard for one person to keep things going if the other one is ‘opting out’ emotionally and physically. But, if you’re both committed to keeping your love alive and your life together happy, what can you do, even if things are difficult?

Start with what attracted you to your partner which could be any number of things – their sense of humour, kindness, their academic achievements or, quite possibly, a raw attraction which was mainly physical. But if it was enough to bring you together, it can hopefully be enough to keep you together in the long-term.

Fun and the friendship that you hopefully have are one of the most important parts of love – that’s paying attention to your partner, asking about their day, doing things together that you both enjoy and going out as a couple and with other couples too.

You need connection too – trying new activities together, showing empathy for the challenges they might be facing, even if you’d deal with it differently, dreaming and talking about your future together.

Intimacy is important to most of us – starting the day with a kiss, always kissing goodnight at the end of the day, telling them what you love about sex with them, holding hands. All of these are connections that keep people together.

Then there are the arguments – most couples have them, sometimes almost daily! If this is part of your relationship try to take responsibility for some part of the problem, avoid swearing and yelling during arguments and try to be clear and direct. Face your challenges together and see what you can do differently, especially if you’ve been fighting a lot.

Finally, there’s gratitude – telling them what you like about them, thanking them for working hard, appreciating their quirks and funny little ways as well as doing a chore that you know they hate, cooking their favourite meal and picking up the slack when they’re really busy.

No-one said that relationships are easy (well, they probably did, but they weren’t being realistic!), but trying to keep things fresh and helping one another along when things are really tough is a good start and can keep your relationship a loving one, even when you’re facing a lot of different hurdles. It’s really worth trying….

You can see my blogs as soon as they are published (usually on Wednesdays) by pressing the ‘follow’ button and you can share them with your friends. You can also find me on LinkedIn, Instagram (samebutdifferent) and read my FB posts at Same But Different.                          #loss #depression #mentalhealth #anger #melancholy

One of the latest toxic behaviours to raise its head is ‘pocketing’ – the situation where you keep the person you’re dating unseen, not introducing them to your family or friends, or posting anything about them on social media, including them not showing up as one of your ‘friends’. It can include routinely cancelling plans if they involve other friends or refusing to go to family parties as a couple. In other words, your relationship seems non-existent to the outside world.

If you’re the person who’s being pocketed it’s usually confusing and makes you doubt yourself. Why doesn’t your partner want to acknowledge you to the outside world? It stops the relationship progressing as there’s no openness about the person you’re involved with.

There can be a number of reasons for this – if someone is gay and hasn’t come out yet, if they value their privacy above all else, if you come from different cultures and their family might disapprove or if they’re already involved with someone else. Concerns about commitment are often a big part of pocketing too – your partner may not want to be open about the relationship until he or she is fairly sure that it’s going to be long-term.

However, the difference between pocketing and waiting for a good time to be more open is transparency. Working out the right time to introduce someone to family and friends isn’t always easy and doing it too soon can be off-putting for some people but waiting too long makes the other person feel you’re not that serious. If someone doesn’t do any introductions at all, after months of dating, that’s pocketing. It’s about creating distance and space in the relationship.

There’s also the possibility that someone you’ve been dating has been presenting you with a false image of themselves – a façade that they’ve kept up but that will collapse if you meet their family or other friends. They may be scared that you’ll be disappointed if you know the ‘real’ person.

So, if your partner

• Never makes plans to see you and meet up with other people
• You always meet at secluded out of the way places, never in their own neighbourhood
• Makes excuses why you can’t meet their family or friends
• Doesn’t introduce you if you run into people they know
• Doesn’t talk about people in their social circle and no-one in their family has even heard of you

you’re probably being pocketed!

If you recognise all of this, what can you do? The first thing is not to become confrontational, tempting though that might be. Try to have a conversation where you give them an opportunity to talk about why you haven’t met anyone else significant in their life. See whether you have different expectations about how a relationship looks and whether your ideas about that are compatible.

It may be that it’s this conversation that prompts your partner to confide about family issues that they’ve been trying to keep under wraps – it can even be a relief for them to talk about it and a chance to find the right time and place for you to be introduced.

But, there’s also the possibility that your partner, the pocketer, will be clear about their true intentions regarding your relationship. If you have very different ideas, you then have a choice about whether you decide to stay and see if things change, that they become more open about their relationship with you, or whether you decide to cut your losses and leave before you become even more involved. Remember, you deserve to be valued for who you are and for your relationships to be out in the open.

Check out my blogs as soon as they are published (usually on Wednesdays) by pressing the ‘follow’ button – you can share them with your friends too. You can also find me on LinkedIn, Instagram (samebutdifferent) and read my FB posts at Same But Different.                          #loss #depression #mentalhealth #anger #melancholy

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In theory, it’s possible to stay friendly with your ex and, in some cases, it’s very reasonable – after all, if he or she was someone that you have a lot in common with, have shared different experiences with and hold the same values, why not? If you have children together, it can be especially beneficial as it helps with the flow of information and when you’re managing your different schedules (in theory at least).

But whether it actually works in practice is another thing altogether because sometimes it can make it harder to successfully put that relationship behind you if one of you starts dating other people. In an ideal world, if it’s what you both want, you’ll both find new partners and everyone will get on really well, even holidaying together and spending birthdays and Christmases together in some cases.

So this is when it can work:

• You’ve both accepted that the relationship is well and truly over.
• You both understand why you broke up.
• Your relationship with one another is no longer full of emotion – it feels similar to your other friendships.
• You can both handle appropriate boundaries and, more importantly, manage any nostalgic feelings that might come up without getting any deeper than that.
• You’re both comfortable and happy dating other people and it’s what you want for one another.

But, maybe it’s time to cut ties if:

• One of you is still secretly hoping you’ll get back together.
• You know that, really, your ex isn’t fully over you.
• You’re holding onto what you once had because you’re scared to separate your lives and start to live independently of one another.
• If you’re the one who ended it and you feel guilty about that, sensing that somehow you ‘owe’ them some attention.
• Your ex actually still occupies a lot of your time, energy and thoughts.
• The thought of them with someone else makes you feel upset.
• Being friends with them just doesn’t seem to work.

So, although you might decide that you can’t be friends at the moment, that doesn’t mean that things can’t or won’t change in the future. You might eventually come together in a new sort of friendship but that might take time, whether it be months or years ahead.

A key thing is to set some boundaries if you are hoping to be friends, such as how much information you share about your personal lives, how much time you spend alone together and how you emotionally rely on one another.

So, to sum up, give it time before you hurtle into a friendship that you’re not actually ready for, make sure you’re actually over one other and remember that any friendship will need to be different from the relationship you once had. And, it’s alright if you decide that it’s too emotionally complicated for you and hopefully you can explain that you need more time before you can be true friends. A friendship isn’t always possible and accepting that in itself is a big step forward.

You can see my blogs as soon as they are published (usually on Wednesdays) by pressing the ‘follow’ button and you can share them with your friends. You can also find me on LinkedIn, Instagram (samebutdifferent) and read my FB posts at Same But Different.                          #loss #depression #mentalhealth #anger #melancholy