Category Archives: Social anxiety

Great Expectations

The book ‘Great Expectations’ was considered by many to be Dickens’ finest novel, tracing the growth of Pip who changed from a boy with shallow dreams to a man with depth of character. Whether that change for our own personal growth is what most of us hope for depends on what we value in our lives but, certainly, a lot of people have expectations about their lives and how they’d like to live.

For some people, they say that they just want to be happy but what does that actually mean? If being happy means having a large house, a good standard of living, holidays abroad and a happy relationship that may well be attainable, but if it isn’t happening, disappointment can set in.

The expectations that I’ve mentioned are mostly about material things and, providing you have enough money, most of them should be attainable. However, happiness is sometimes elusive and means different things to different people.

‘Success’ is another expectation for a lot of us – in our western society, this usually means a well-paid job/profession and having visible signs that show that your well-paid. We no longer seem to value ‘success’ in the ways that people might have done years ago because we put a lot of emphasis on material things rather than the character a person is and what principles they hold.

Another expectation can be that we believe that the way we treat others will be the way they treat us in return. However, this doesn’t always happen, so if you enter into relationships with people don’t have the same values as you, it may feel as if you’re being taken advantage of or are being short-changed. In this particular case, it’s often better to find people who appreciate you for the person you are. Otherwise, you face the challenge of learning that not everyone wants to do that or thinks in the same way as you. That means accepting people for who they are and lower your expectations of them. Once you recognise that your own expectations won’t change people, the easier life will become. Try to surround yourself with people who accept and love you – that in itself is a route to happiness for a lot of people.

Meanwhile, whatever your expectations are, life sometimes throws a curve ball so try to remain positive even when things seem very hard. Disappointment is one of the hardest things to cope with but, despite many hardships, which may include ill-health, death or redundancy (sometimes all three), a lot of people do manage to remain positive and set themselves small goals to achieve on a regular basis. Goals are important for most of us – it may just be getting through the next hour or the next day, but if we’re struggling with anxiety or depression, that’s a big thing to achieve.

Part of this is also about judging yourself less and recognising that you’re doing your best. You’re allowed to be human and whether it’s about losing weight or gaining extra qualifications, give yourself a pat on the back sometimes to acknowledge what you ARE achieving, rather than what you haven’t yet managed.

So, having expectations isn’t necessarily a bad thing but acceptance of some things which come out of the blue can help enormously when life isn’t going exactly to plan.

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Coping When Your Child Leaves for University

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It might be that you were looking forward to your child or children going off to university but maybe the reality is actually very different from how you imagined. In fact, you might be finding it difficult to cope, whether this is your first child leaving (a big change but you might have younger ones at home) or your last child leaving the ‘nest’.

Yes, you thought you were prepared for this from the day they got their A Level results but maybe you were carried along with the need to help them prepare for the big day, buying duvets and cheap pots and pans and helping them in any way possible.

Of course, they’d been growing up and hopefully becoming more independent but the reality of them no longer being in the family home can hit very hard. Yes, everything’s tidier and you’re no longer awake until the early hours listening for them coming home and locking up the front door, but the actual reality of not having them around on a day-to-day basis can really take you by surprise.

Whether they jumped straight in and loved university life from the start or in fact were quite miserable and lonely at first, necessitating nightly phone calls and reassurance from you, you might still have been hit with sadness once they were no longer living with you. Its as if you’re grieving, which you are, and there’s often a real intensity in the loss because it’s a big change to come to terms with, even though you’re happy for them to have this opportunity.

So, how do you cope with this big change in your life?

First of all, accept that it’s natural – you’re human, you love them and it’s a huge change.
Mobile phones are a godsend – they can send you photos and vice-versa plus you can text, even if they don’t always reply.
Try not to be over-involved in their university careers – let them know that you’re they’re if they need you but accept that they’ll sometimes make mistakes. When parents always hover nearby, whether or not they’re actually needed, it doesn’t give their offspring the opportunity to learn how to resolve some situations themselves.
Sometimes, Student Services may be able to help them more than you’re able to and might be a more useful option in some circumstances
Although it’s tempting to encourage them to come home frequently at weekends, a lot of social bonding at university goes on at weekends and coming home a lot means that they’re constantly readjusting to one life or the other.
Of course, there’s a fine balance here as you don’t want them to struggle and not be able to confide in you, but they do need to become more autonomous, otherwise the world of work may seem overwhelming when they reach it on a full-time basis.
Recognise that this is a time for you or, if you have a partner, a time when you can reconnect in a different way now that you can focus on one another again.
Take care of yourself and start putting things in place that help you to rediscover who you are and what you like doing, rather than putting children’s needs first all of the time. Practice mindfulness and make sure that you eat healthily, if you’ve let that lapse at times.
Try to enjoy this time, even though you’ll see less of them – it’s a new phase for everyone and if your child sees that you’re managing well, it will encourage them to do the same.

I hope that you’ve found this blog useful – please comment if you’d like to do so and you can follow me as well, meaning that you’ll get an update each time I write something new.

So You Think An Affair Might Help…..?

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The thought of having an affair, or at least a flirtation, is something that flits through the minds of many people, especially if they’re in long-term relationships. If you’ve never been tempted by someone else, that may be down to luck as much as anything else. It’s easy to be judgmental about someone (maybe even your own partner) who hasn’t been able to resist such temptation, but people are human and, as such, make mistakes that often have devastating consequences.

From my experience as a relationship counsellor, I realised that there are different sorts of affairs:

The “It’s Not Really An Affair, More A Relationship” – this is where one person is available/single but the other one isn’t so the one who’s available really believes that if they are patient, the other person will leave their current partner. The available person will say “This is much more than an affair; it’s a relationship and we want to be together”. A lot of the time, that doesn’t actually happen, even if both parties thought at the beginning that it would. Often, the final decision to leave a partner, perhaps children, a home that you’ve built up together and the security that that brings, proves too much and that person can’t leave after all.
Then there’s the “It’s Only Sex Affair” – this feels very intense and there’s no doubt that some people have a huge physical attraction which they find almost impossible to resist. They feel that it’s almost ‘inevitable’ that they’ll end up having sex and as some people feel sexually alive, only when there’s secrecy and the accompanying nervous excitement, the lust can be overpowering. However, this affair is usually the most short-lived – it’s great at the time, but once the couple realise that on a different level they have very little in common, and in fact irritate one another, that excitement can change almost overnight.
The “I’ll Get Back At You Affair” usually results from someone feeling very resentful and angry towards their usual partner. If you feel ignored or criticised by your partner, or they make you very angry and upset, this sort of affair can seem empowering at the time. However, at some point, most people have to try to deal with their more permanent relationship rather than getting back at their partner in this way.
The “We Haven’t Had Sex Affair” is one that I came across a lot – usually when I saw each one of the couple separately. One partner would tell me that they weren’t really having an affair because sex hadn’t actually taken place. However, texting, meeting for coffee or lunch and not telling your partner about it does mean that you’re in an intimate relationship with someone else, especially if you confide in that person rather than your partner. If you can tell your regular partner what’s going on and not keep any of it secret, fair enough, but if it makes you squirm to think that they might find out, then even if you haven’t had sex, you’ve been unfaithful……maybe you don’t agree, and it’s up for discussion, but it seems that this ‘affair’ is just as damaging as any other, in its own way.
Then there’s the “Keep It In The Family Affair” which happens more frequently than you might think. There’s the closeness of family get-togethers, mutual teasing and a knowledge of your partner’s sister, brother, cousin or parents that can eventually prove intoxicating. In some ways, this sort of affair can be easier to keep secret because there are often opportunities within the family to turn up at the same barbeques, Christmas get-togethers and holidays but the fall-out can be even more devastating than the other affairs because the whole family will be involved in some way. People will inevitably takes sides and the family get-togethers can become a nightmare for all involved.
Lastly, the “Total Mind And Body Affair” which is the most threatening of all, partly because both people feel it’s what they’ve always been looking for in a relationship and will often say that they’ve never felt this way before. This affair is the most likely to threaten an existing partnership and although the couple engaged in this affair are more likely to stay happily together, the consequences are often devastating for the other people in their lives, particularly if there are children involved.

Many different sorts of affairs and there have been many books written about how help your relationship recover if you’ve decided to stay together and work on it.

However, if you’re the one on the brink of an affair, try to stand back for a minute and ask yourself these questions:

Are you feeling unappreciated by your partner and that’s making you angry? If so, even if you’ve tried talking about it together before and nothing’s changed, try talking to a relationship counsellor, even if you have to go on your own. A counsellor won’t try to talk you out of having an affair, but it will give you a chance to air your anger in a confidential setting to someone apart from your partner.
Even if you feel that you’re not the one doing anything wrong in your current relationship, could you try once more to resolve some of the issues? You can’t do it alone, that’s for sure, but ultimately, do you want to give it your best shot or do you want to continue as you are?
Can you remember how you once enjoyed your partner’s company before you got to this stage? Do you remember the fun you once had? See if you can recapture some of that even though there may now be bills, children and/or work stresses.
Ask yourself honestly if you were with the new person you’re thinking of, would it be much different if you had the same stresses in your life that you have now? It’s easy to think that things would be very different when you’re feeling such longing but the realities of work, children, lack of money, elderly parents or lack of self-esteem won’t go away even if you’re with a different person.
Does the new person make you feel better about yourself? This is a difficult one because if they’re shoring up your self-esteem, you probably need to work on yourself and feeling better generally before making a big change in your life.
Lastly, ask yourself what an affair would provide for you. If it’s affection, better sex, more fun or companionship, try to think of ways that you might rediscover that with your existing partner.

Hopefully, some of the above points will help you look at the issues with more objectivity (if that’s possible!) and you’ll be able to make a decision that’s right for you in the long-term, whichever way it goes.

Are You In Constant Conflict With Your Partner?

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Okay, so it’s normal for couples to have disagreements and rows from time to time but when you’re in constant conflict with one another, it’s time to rethink.

People often learn poor conflict resolution skills when they’re growing up, either from their parents or extended family. If you come from a family that typically sulks and holds grudges, you don’t always learn that it doesn’t have to come to that. If you grow up with people who respect each other, engage in healthy discussions and don’t avoid talking about important issues, you learn that things can be resolved before they become too serious.

People in successful relationships often have the ability to solve problems and then let it go. Rather than attacking the other person with words or withholding affection, they let some of the smaller stuff go and stop dwelling on it. This isn’t easy to do, as I know from a personal perspective!

I’ve found that the key is to accept the other person/people as they are rather than trying to change them. ‘Forgive and forget’ is a key element here. Laughter and humour help too – if you can see the absurdity in some situations, it helps a lot.

In my last blog, I wrote about how financial conflicts affect couples but other common clashes are around sex and children. I saw a lot of these issues played out in the counselling room when I worked as a private therapist as I encouraged couples to use their sessions with me to look at these issues from the other person’s point of view. There had to be give and take on both sides and this involved couples doing homework outside of the sessions.

If you feel that you can’t afford counselling or manage to get to sessions, think about the following:

Value each other’s perspective even if you don’t agree with them. It’s worth really considering what your partner’s saying and working on how you can find a compromise.
Let the little things go – ask yourself how much it really matters and try to let go, breathe and move onto more important things.
Keep it fair – don’t insult, curse or name-call. Also, don’t bring up everything they’ve ever done wrong in the past as your partner will just end up feeling attacked and as if they can never do anything right.
Be clear about what you want (which is different from what you need!). Ask for what you want and be clear – rather than saying “I wish you weren’t always late”, try “next time we’re going out for a meal and you think you might not be able to make it on time, I’d like it if you could call or text me to let me know at least a quarter of an hour beforehand”.
Tell each other what you do like about the other one rather than always complaining about what you don’t like.
Deal with any conflict as quickly as you can – if things are just left, they often grow bigger. Better that they’re repaired as soon as possible rather than fester until they get out of proportion.

Good luck with the above – none of these are easy, but they might make all the difference to your relationship.

Sorting Out Your Finances As A Couple

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“Money can’t buy you happiness” is one of those sayings most of us have grown up hearing although maybe an add-on should be …….” but lack of it can make you very miserable, especially in our culture”.

That sounds longwinded though and doesn’t give us much hope if we’re really struggling with money. Is this struggle better or worse if you’re part of a couple? Everyone has different ideas – it can be good to share your worries and feelings with a partner, but not if they’re totally unsympathetic, dismissive or unworried themselves.

For most of us, when we first meet our partners, money is one of the last things we want to talk about. Other things are more of a priority because, after all, we don’t know if this relationship will ultimately work out. So, interests in common, attitudes towards our own families, friendships and how compatible we are sexually often take precedence.

However, more of us are now experiencing financial uncertainty, hardship and unemployment than in previous decades and it’s time to talk about the reality of money issues before they develop into something that can ruin our relationships.

Someone’s financial habits are an incredible insight into his or her values and ethics. That doesn’t mean that having a lousy credit score is a reason to break up, but if you find that your new love interest doesn’t handle money responsibly, you have to question what else he or she isn’t going to be upfront about. Most importantly, don’t think they’ll change overnight – they won’t, even with you loving them to distraction. That will see you through for a while but probably not long-term!

Our attitudes towards money are often formed when we’re still children, even though these weren’t conscious thoughts and attitudes. If you come from a family where people enjoyed their money by taking regular holidays, eating out and buying clothes without much thought about future security, it can be hard to understand a partner whose ideas can seem ‘penny-pinching’ and ‘tight’ because they refuse to waste food, only buy clothes when they need them are already buying their own house when you meet them.

This is the time to talk about deeply held values, feelings about sacrifice and possible mutual goals regarding the future. If you find talking about money difficult, it will pose even more of a problem if one of you is made redundant in the future and your income is effectively halved.

When someone loses their job there are often feelings of panic, guilt, fear, blame and helplessness. People under this sort of stress often cease to acknowledge or even notice the kind and helpful things their partner does, only responding to irritating habits that are accentuated by worry. This in turn makes it harder to tackle a new budget and priorities. If people are honest and compassionate towards one another, they can learn to work things out and plan ahead for a better future.

A lot of relationship dynamics get played out within a changing financial environment, such as one person going on a spending-spree to get back at their partner. To build a strong future, here are some tips to help you along the way:

Control your spending (easier said than done for most of us!). This is one of the first ways that differences can occur – your partner takes pride in taking a flask of coffee to work whereas you like nothing better than meeting friends for a coffee or beer on the High Street. Compromise might be one way to deal with this.

One of the biggest ‘don’ts’ is to do with credit cards – try to use them only if it is an emergency or for health care. If you have savings, try not to dip into them unless you both consider them absolutely necessary

If you already have debt, handle it as a couple: make a plan about how you’re going to pay off any existing debt. This may involve drawing a line in the sand -saying that your partner’s debt isn’t your problem isn’t going work. Even if the debt existed before you got together your credit rating can be negatively impacted, as well as the bottom line being how much money the two of you are paying monthly in interest charges.
Make a plan to pay off existing debt. Drawing a line in the sand and saying that your spouse’s debt isn’t your problem is not going to work because even if the debt existed before you married, expense absolutely necessary.

Try to be realistic. We’ve all heard about making a list and it can be time-consuming as well as boring, but listing your expenses does help you to cut back. When you compare your expenses to your income, it can be a wake-up call.

You won’t read this on many money forums, but adding ten percent to your expenses is a realistic way to work them out – there’s always something that happens that we haven’t budgeted for – your child wears out their shoes in three weeks (how does that happen?!), you scrape the car when you’re reversing off the main road or your mother expresses a sudden desire to have her birthday tea at the most expensive hotel in a fifty mile radius. Adding ten percent might help you cope with one of those (although not all of them in one month!).

Identify where you can’t cut back and where you might be able to do so – looking for a cheaper telephone plan, eating out less, using the car less. Some people take to these ideas very enthusiastically, deciding to grow their own vegetables or do more home baking – take it slowly, one step at a time. What you started with zeal in September can look very unenticing by January.

Your bank account(s)
Here’s how I suggest every couple organises their cash flow: Create three accounts—one for you, one for your partner, and one joint fund. Once you’ve determined the total cost of your shared living expenses, both of you need to contribute your portion of these costs to the joint account each month, based on your share of household income.

Finally, try not to run away from your problems – it will just make your situation worse. Don’t try to escape from your unemployment and financial problems. Overeating, smoking, drinking, over spending, not sleeping, etc. will only make your situation worse. Remember the importance of taking care of yourselves, both emotionally and physically. That means regular sleep, a healthy diet, exercise, taking care of yourselves and each other and, most of all, having FUN!