Category Archives: Social anxiety

Just How Much Is Acceptable In A Relationship?

Just how much is acceptable in a relationship?

Of course, the answer to how much is acceptable differs from one person to the next. What one person considers ‘normal’, another might find completely obnoxious! Sometimes, it can be hard to work out what you you consider acceptable, especially if you’re in a long-term relationship where it’s often easier to comply with your partner rather than have yet another argument. We can all become worn down by negative aspects in our own homes and put up with things that we’d once have found abhorrent.

When you have a long shared history and have invested years of your life in another person, it’s often easy to overlook or even excuse their behaviour. Maybe you’re afraid of starting again on your own, telling your family or having to find new friends. However, there are certain behaviours that are pretty much always unacceptable and if you’ve talked them through with your partner before and things haven’t changed, it’s probable that they’re not going to.

Here are some that you shouldn’t have to put up with:

Inconsistency – if you find you’re being smothered in affection one day and almost ignored the next, that’s very unpredictable. Most relationships require some sort of stability and if you never know where you are from one day to the next, if can cause mental turmoil. Some people are moodier than others but if they say they want commitment one day and then turn that on its head the next, it’s hard to feel secure with them and, ultimately, it’s unacceptable.

Being treated like a servant – it’s normal to help one another out and even have separate roles if that’s what suits both of you, but when one person leaves a lot of mess around for the other one to constantly pick up and clean, there’s a big element of being taken for granted. It’s not acceptable for one person in the relationship to be taking on the majority of the chores, responsibilities and perhaps bills unless their partner is ill and unable to contribute. If this is happening to you, don’t feel that you have to put up with it!

Cheating – if you’ve agreed to have an ‘open relationship’, fair enough but if you agreed to be monogamous and then your partner cheats, you have to decide whether to work through it or separate. Just know that you’re under no obligation to put up with cheating (which includes sexting), even if it was a one-off incident. If you decide to give things another go, then that’s a decision for both of you to make, but basically, cheating isn’t acceptable.

Lying – so most of us tell the occasional lie, not just to our partners but to other people as well. It’s when it becomes the norm and you find that your partner often lies to other people (their best friend or their family), then it’s a cause for concern. People who habitually lie usually tell other people what they want to hear, often to get what they want. If your partner lies to other people, he/she probably lies to you as well.

Ultimatums – it’s normal to have discussions where your ideas don’t match up but it’s not normal to deliver some sort of ultimatum such as “if we don’t have a baby in another year, it’s over” or “if we don’t move back to my home town, I’m finished”. It’s never going to be helpful to put down deadlines and the other person rarely responds positively. No-one likes to be threatened with ultimatums – they threaten love and affection in relationships.

Controlling behaviour – if you’ve noticed that your partner tries to control you or put you down (in fact, make you feel bad in any way), that’s emotional abuse/controlling behaviour. If they blame you for all their problems or frequently threaten to leave you, that can feel as if you’re losing all control in your life, which often leads to low self-esteem.

Refusal to talk – it’s key to most relationships to be able to communicate, even if the subject is a difficult one. If you find that your partner refuses to talk about anything that they consider to be a tough subject, they’re disregarding your feelings, especially if the subject is bothering you. Healthy relationships need healthy discussions.

Unsupportive – you’re supposed to be in a team which means supporting each other’s ambitions and dreams. You’re invested in one another’s success if you share your lives and if your partner often puts you down, whether you’re alone or with other people, you don’t have to accept it. Most of us need someone who will back us up when the chips are down.

They’re often angry – most people get annoyed sometimes but irrational anger is something else. If you’re often waiting for them to erupt, you’ll be on constant edge, feeling as if you have to tiptoe around your partner, even if they’re angry with other people rather than you. If they’re not prepared to get help for their anger, maybe you need to rethink your future with them.

If, after reading the above, you still think it’s worthwhile putting up with some or all of the above, then I hope it works out well for you. However, if it encourages to think about what you’re prepared to put up with and you decide that ‘enough is enough’, you could try some counselling to talk through your feelings, before making a final decision about the future.

“Mirror, Mirror On The Wall….”

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“Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who is the fairest of them all?”. Most of us who had fairy tales read to us as children will recognise these words, uttered by Snow White’s evil stepmother. But what, exactly, was she asking? In the Grimm Brothers’ German original, she asks who’s the most beautiful in the land. We now know that she may have meant “who is the whitest” rather than the most beautiful, since white skin was associated with the aristocracy and middle classes who didn’t work outside in the sun, but were rich enough to stay inside and have servants to work for them. However, that is a debate for another day because I want to look at how much these stories affect all of us on a subconscious level.

Since the stories were published in 1812, generations of girls and boys listened to them and there have been many debates about how much fairy tales like this (think Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty…..) influence us and what messages we carry on into adulthood. In most fairy stories, if the woman is beautiful, somehow she will ‘win’ her prince. Yes, Snow White, Cinderella and other heroines are kind as well as beautiful, but there is an underlying understanding that probably they wouldn’t have ended up ‘happy ever after’ if they hadn’t been beautiful as well.

In the same way, the prince in these stories was always ‘handsome’, which can lead young men to think that they have to be good-looking to get anywhere with women.

Nowadays, this message seems to have become ever more distorted so that a lot of young women feel that they’re not really worthwhile unless they’re pretty/attractive/desirable. Likewise with young men who often spend a lot of time worrying about whether they’re handsome enough and are wearing the ‘right’ clothes. Some of this is natural and has been going on since time began, but taken to extreme levels, it can also be dangerous. So much emphasis is now put on appearance with special apps to enhance Instagram photos and put a soft blur on them and photoshop manipulating images to improve their appearance. But life isn’t about blurring the edges and constant enhancement all the time – it’s also about people, including you, seeing things in a real way and being able to deal with imperfections. If what we see in the mirror is reflected back in a negative way, it can be very damaging. Depression is a big worry amongst teenagers and young people who often report feeling anxious and isolated.

Yes, we all want to look as good as we can, but there needs to be a limit on this so that we can enjoy each day, even if our hair needs a wash or we have a spot on our chin. Boring though it might sound, sometimes it’s better to work on your self-esteem because that will see you through, even if your appearance sometimes lets you down. So, give self-esteem a go, work on feeling better about yourself and factor in hobbies that don’t rely on your appearance but instead provide interesting and fun times with like-minded people.

Feeling Insecure?

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If someone is feeling insecure, it’s usually about experiencing a threat or inadequacy of some sort. Most people have felt it at one time or another and that’s pretty normal but when it starts to sabotage your relationship or success in your job, it starts to become very damaging. It stops peace of mind and prevents people from relaxing and being authentic and genuine – they will be asking for reassurance or be mistrusting of others’ motives and actions.

Whilst a lot of people think that the insecurity comes from something that their partner said, mostly it comes from within themselves. However, it probably started in childhood or early teens when someone was very hurt or threatened or perhaps couldn’t depend on what a parent said as they were always let down. If, growing up, children were judged harshly and criticised a lot, there’s usually a residual feeling of never being good enough.

If this is how you, or someone close to you, feels, here are some things that you can do:

First of all, try to build up your self-esteem – most people who feel insecure have low self-esteem and they look outside of themselves for validation. However, when you’re trying to feel good by getting approval from others, it doesn’t really address the issue and also puts a burden on your partner, friends and family. By working on your self-esteem by reading a book, doing an on-line course or having counselling can help a lot with feelings of insecurity.
With a partner, sometimes the feelings of insecurity are valid inasmuch as they’ve let you down before, lied to you or been unfaithfully. However, you mostly have a choice about how you deal with this and although you may not want to leave or can’t see a way to leave it because of other responsibilities, you can try to put down some boundaries and explain what the outcome will be if this continues. Although your partner may not be reliable, you can still feel secure in yourself as a good and caring human being.
Have some trust in yourself if the insecurity was there before you met your partner. Recognise that you don’t have to beautiful or rich to attract a good partner – your particular characteristics are the most important thing and this applies with friends and family members too. Remember the traits that you have that are valuable – this could be a good communicator, you’re funny, kind and generally a nice person. Focus on what you have to offer, rather than what you perceive as a lack of something.
Avoid people whom you feel insecure with – in other words, protect yourself. If a group of colleagues is very ‘cliquish’ and ‘excluding’, try to go out with them on a one-to-one basis and don’t socialise with them after work. They may feel that you’re unfriendly but this is about you, not them, and if you feel worse when you go out with them, avoid it.
That leads onto surrounding yourself with people who are supportive – not so that they can validate you in some way but because they ‘get’ you and you feel you have things in common and nothing to prove to them. In other words, they like you for who you are and you don’t have to pretend to be someone else in their company.

Remember, no-one can see your insecurity so sometimes imagining how you’d really like to be can help in actually being that person. Visualise how you’d be if you weren’t insecure and work towards that image. It will take time but you’ll feel better for it eventually.

How Would You Know If You Were Being Emotionally Abused?

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How would you know if you were suffering emotional abuse? Although we don’t always realise it, one of the most common forms of abuse is emotional although a lot of people don’t realise until it’s almost too late that they’re being affected by this. Maybe this is because it builds up over time and the victim often becomes desensitised to it. Even if it’s not intentional, insults, threats, humiliation are all parts of abuse and are often used to control another person.

Another aspect of such abuse is that it’s often minimised and although most of us learnt in childhood that “sticks and stones my break my bones, but names will never hurt me”, this isn’t true. This abuse gets right to the core of another person and attacks their sense of self.

It may include a pattern of one or more of the following abuses: insults, criticisms, aggressive demands or expectations, threats, rejection, neglect, blame, emotional manipulation and control, isolation, punishment, terrorizing, ignoring, or teasing.

Harassment, physical and sexual abuse, and witnessing abuse of others are also forms of emotional abuse, as is coercion.

Emotional abuse can take place anywhere: at home, at school, in relationships, and in the workplace. Contrary to popular beliefs that bullies are only found in the school yard, many bullies also exist in the workplace and in the home. People who appear happy and shiny on the outside can be very different on the inside. First of all, there’s –

The passive-aggressive colleague or partner – this is someone who passively expresses anger. This can be by repeatedly keeping you waiting or by constantly changing arrangements. The underlying message is that their life is more important than yours but there can also be a denial of feelings, back-handed compliments or sarcasm. If you live with someone like that, it’s easy to imagine that you’ve done something to upset your partner or colleague but, if questioned, they’ll say that they’re fine or “I’m not annoyed in any way”. You can spend many hours mulling this over, trying to work out what the other person is thinking or feeling. If a person can’t communicate in a straightforward way or uses sarcasm a lot, you might be dealing with someone who’s passive-aggressive.
The critic – criticism isn’t the same as advice and when you feel judged, no matter what you say or do, it usually has a big impact on your personal or working life. Someone who’s very critical often criticises the person rather than their actions. Although they may not call you names, they often insult your values and opinions, making disparaging remarks about what you say and feel, often because they want to have some control. The person may criticise your every move – for instance, by saying “Why don’t you ever…..?” or “Are you really going to wear that….?”. Does this ring a bell?
The refuser – this is someone who refuses to communicate, engage in conversation or discuss feelings. They often refuse to admit that there’s a problem. This leads to negative feelings and it can seem as if there’s a barrier between you but it also often leads to you feeling guilt and maybe resentment. If the other person refuses to be honest and open with you, you may wonder why you’re in the relationship at all as it’s easy to become angry and frustrated.
The narcissist – this is the person who behaves as if they know everything, is best at everything and usually tells you just how good they are. You can never measure up to this person as they put themselves above others and often lack insight and empathy. They might turn this around to you, saying that you ‘overthink’ things but who can make that judgement about you? They can easily jeopardise special occasions which include any anniversary or special day for you and if they feel hurt or rejected, they are capable of destroying everything around them.

So, how can you handle this sort of abuse? One helpful thing can be to step back from the situation and trust your instincts and feelings about people. This is very hard if the person behaving like this is your partner because you’ve built up a life with them. However, it’s easy to minimise emotional abuse and think that the other person will change. They won’t – you will have to be the one to change as they won’t see the need to do so.

If you feel that there’s a chance for the relationship/friendship, try writing down what you feel and what they’ve said and give them one last opportunity to address it. If they still refuse to accept that there’s a problem, it may be time to step away for good.

I hope that you’ve enjoyed reading this blog and that if you’re struggling to find happiness or have other issues that are difficult to cope with, that you will come to see that there is usually a way out if we can find the strength to follow a new path.

Why Do We Hang Onto Toxic Relationships?

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So just why do we hang onto difficult relationships?

Sometimes it seems as if we’re programmed keeps to desire love – for a lot of people, it’s almost as important to them as food and water. Is that why, even if we know that we’re with the wrong person, we blind ourselves to seeing that? Even when every part of us tells us that someone is wrong for us, we stay.

So why is that? What keeps us in a relationship, or friendship, even when it seems so difficult?

Maybe you’ve already experienced this with a prospective partner – you meet, you like each other, you meet for drinks or coffee, share a meal and before you know where you are, you’re a couple. You meet each other’s families, you know each other’s friends and to everyone else you seem like a perfect couple.

But underneath, it’s different – you don’t feel it’s at all perfect. They always have their phone with them but never reply to your texts, you make plans but they’re not followed through, you never know where they are and although they refer to you as their girl/boyfriend it doesn’t seem like that. They’re physical, you’re emotional; you like talking, they stay silent. If you challenge them, they say things like “well, I’m not really a texter. I prefer face-to-face conversations”. Although there’s nothing wrong with that, you can sense the dishonesty lurking there.

They only talk about themselves and aren’t interested in you most of the time…..and so it goes on with you always making the effort to be there for them but it rarely being reciprocated.

You tell yourself that you deserve better but do you really believe it? It takes courage to break off this sort of relationship that you may have become dependent upon in some ways and it may be that you’re not ready for that step yet. It could be one of the following as well:

Change is difficult and means doing things differently. If you break up, it will mean not having someone special in your life; there will be no phone calls, no-one to wake up next to and no-one to share the rent. These things can seem very daunting.
Most of us are quite emotional creatures – we’re complex and can often feel love and hate at the same time. This can happen when someone breaks your heart – you hate what they’ve done but you still love them and they will always have a special place in your heart.
We hate the idea of failure – we don’t want to give up on something that seemed so important and want to stick it out so that we don’t have to say that the relationship failed. Somehow, that seems to indicate that we made a poor choice of partner/friend in the first place and that’s hard to face up to.
Some people thrive on the drama of it – the yelling and screaming or the day-long sulking. There’s also something to complain about to friends – toxic relationships provide a lot to talk/complain about.
We think that we can somehow fix it, or fix the other person, but in reality it’s hard to ‘rescue’ someone, especially if they don’t want to be rescued. In reality, it’s often easier to be with someone who isn’t quite so complicated and who wants a more equal relationship.

So, it seems that we stay for a lot of reasons that are difficult to understand but some of those reasons are bound up with our lack of self-esteem, not wanting to be alone or the desire to feel needed by someone.

If you feel that some of the reasons you put up with less than you really want, it’s time to look at your own feelings of self-worth and discover how you can feel better about yourself. Once you’ve achieved that, you’ll be able to look at your relationship in a different light and judge whether you get enough out of it to stay.

Remember – “Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it’s better to leave them broken than hurt yourself trying to put it back together”. Anon.