When we experience loss, whether it’s related to someone close dying, getting divorced or losing our job, we all grieve in different ways. Grief is an acutely painful reaction to the loss we’ve experienced and there’s no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ way to feel.

One thing’s for sure though – it nearly always affects our relationships, particularly in marriage or partnerships: it can cause conflict, bring you closer together or make you feel disconnected from the person or people you live with.

Physical symptoms vary from person to person but often include confusion, anger, guilt, irritability, aggression or loss of interest in what’s going on around them.

Ideally, the shared experience of loss can bring people together so that they find solace and strength from one another and don’t feel so alone. Unfortunately, that’s not always the case and people who were once close, feel far apart. Understanding this can be the first step forward, whether it’s you who’s grieving, your partner or both of you.

If you can remember that there’s no set timeline for grieving and that it can take you by surprise at the unlikeliest of times, you’re more likely to get through it together rather than it driving you apart.

If you’re the one who’s experienced a loss, it’s easy to think that your partner doesn’t understand which creates more distance between you.  However, by giving each other time and talking honestly about how it feels for each of you there is light on the other side. Sorry about the clichés but it’s sometimes the best way of expressing what might happen or is happening right now.

If you’re the one doing the supporting, it can feel an uphill battle but small acts of kindness, gentleness and not taking the negative emotions so personally can help a lot. Taking care of your own health is important too – you can’t help someone as well if you’re too exhausted to get through the day.

Lastly, try to have faith that one day things will look a bit brighter even if that seems almost impossible right now.

Hopefully you’ve found this blog helpful and interesting – if so, I’d love it if you bought me a coffee ☕ (see tab at top of page). Thank you so much.

You can see my blogs as soon as they are published (usually on Wednesdays) by pressing the ‘follow’ button and you can share them with your friends. You can also find me on LinkedIn, Instagram (samebutdifferent) and read my FB posts every week at Same But Different #samebutdifferent #relationships # issues #bloggerforever #lovewriting #livingchange #makeitcount #canidothis #canyoudothis #ukblogger #femaleblogger #irishblogger

On my Home Page I talk about my new book, The Way Up After Your Breakup, and I’m hoping that you can relate to it as most of us have suffered a breakup at some point, or know someone who has.

My book helps readers to look at what happened and how to make sense of it all. Sometimes that’s not as easy as you think!

Here’s the Amazon link or you can order it from your local bookshop: https://amzn.eu/d/5AYjDdD 

There are often challenges, even in good relationships, and there can be times when people take advantage of you. They break boundaries and becoming controlling, sometimes without really realising that they’re doing so.

This can be the case whether it’s with friends, family, a partner or online but if you depend on these people for emotional support, it can be very hard, chipping away at your self-esteem. Maybe a recent event or holiday has highlighted how your own feelings and needs don’t seem to matter and you realise that you don’t want to carry on like this. If you’re asked to do something that you’re not keen on you and then feel pressurised to agree with whoever’s asking you, and particularly if this happens on a regular basis, then chances are that you’re being emotionally blackmailed. In other words, emotional blackmail often means that someone who’s close to you uses any feelings you have about obligation and guilt to get their own way.

This can include:

• You feeling as if you’re tip-toeing around them – if you try to reason with them, it causes friction and you start to cave in and agree to whatever they’re demanding.
• They’re manipulative and although they can appear charming so that you’ll comply with whatever they want, they’re actually quite threatening and you feel as if you’ll be punished if you don’t go along with what they want.
• Them guilt-tripping you – if you have a healthy relationship there’s give and take but with emotional blackmail it’s different.  They take advantage of your generosity and good nature, saying things like “Is it so unreasonable that I want you to do this for me?” or “You obviously don’t think as much of me as I thought”. You then feel that their demands are almost reasonable and that you’re being selfish.
• Them never seeming to give up – it happens a lot and they keep repeating their behaviour until your own self-esteem is at an all-time low.

So, if you’ve started to recognise this pattern and want to make changes, how can you go about it? Changing patterns of your own behaviour isn’t easy but this is what it will take because the person or people who are using this tactic will rarely stop of their own accord. So, here are a few strategies to start you off:

1. Begin by putting down some boundaries – recognise that you’re good enough as you are without complying with every unreasonable demand made of you. Practise assertive responses such as “I can’t do that this time” and keep repeating it to yourself before trying it out when people are pressurising you.
2. Explain that they’re not taking you seriously and that you need to be treated with respect.
3. Find supportive friends that you can confide in, telling them how you feel pressurised, and work towards feeling stronger and more confident.
4. If trying to reason with them doesn’t seem to be working, try to distance yourself from them so that you’re no longer in a vulnerable position.
5. Recognise that things will only improve if you continue to be assertive and be consistent in this new approach. Don’t allow yourself to be worn down.

Hopefully after a few months (or even weeks!), you’ll feel a lot more confident in yourself and able to recognise and deal with any emotional bullies in your life.

Hopefully you’ve found this blog helpful and interesting – if so, I’d love it if you bought me a coffee ☕ (see tab at top of page). Thank you so much.

You can see my blogs as soon as they are published (usually on Wednesdays) by pressing the ‘follow’ button and you can share them with your friends. You can also find me on LinkedIn, Instagram (samebutdifferent) and read my FB posts every week at Same But Different #samebutdifferent #relationships # issues #bloggerforever #lovewriting #livingchange #makeitcount #canidothis #canyoudothis #ukblogger #femaleblogger #irishblogger

In my last blog, I wrote about high-maintenance friends and, if you read that, you might have decided to draw back from some of the people in your life. If that’s the case, perhaps you found things a bit odd because you’re lonely, missing them (even if they were a negative influence!) and would like to make new friends to fill the space that’s left in your life.

Research shows that happiness and mental health are closely linked to friendships, but as I explored in my last blog, some friends are just too high-maintenance to continue going along with the same old patterns.

So, how to go about making new friends in the coming months?

It starts with making the decision to change – contrary to what a lot of us like to believe, good friendships don’t always ‘just happen’ so sometimes we have to change what we do and how we do it to make more successful friendships.

Next, think about the people that you work with; sometimes you have more in common with them than your working environment and you can take that further. If you find someone else shares your love of dancing, workouts or walking, invite them to join you in one of these. The advantage of working with someone is that you’ve had a chance to get to know them, albeit in a working environment, so you have a heads-up about whether they’re kind, principled or moody at times. If you find them difficult to work with, don’t pursue a friendship with them though!

Even if you start bonding with some of your colleagues, try something outside of work too: join a group of some kind. This could be a book group, a badminton or squash club or a running group. Try to join a group that meets regularly – weekly or monthly contact is important so that you can get to know the other group members really well.

Another great way of meeting like-minded people, who have the potential to become friends, is to volunteer locally. There are lots of volunteering opportunities – it could be working at a dog-rescue centre, litter-picking or visiting older people in a Care Home. Whatever you choose, there will almost certainly be at least one person that you ‘click’ with.

Take some responsibility for organising get-togethers and, if you say you’ll text someone about meeting up, make sure that you do it.

Friendships change and grow and it’s important to remember that all sorts of different friendships can brighten up our lives.

Lastly, don’t take it personally if some new friendships don’t really take off – people are busy and sometimes have things going on in their lives that we know nothing about.

Hopefully you’ve found this blog helpful and interesting – if so, I’d love it if you bought me a coffee ☕ (see tab at top of page). Thank you so much.

You can see my blogs as soon as they are published (usually on Wednesdays) by pressing the ‘follow’ button and you can share them with your friends. You can also find me on LinkedIn, Instagram (samebutdifferent) and read my FB posts every week at Same But Different #samebutdifferent #relationships # issues #bloggerforever #lovewriting #livingchange #makeitcount #canidothis #canyoudothis #ukblogger #femaleblogger #irishblogger

I think that most of us have, or have had, a high-maintenance friend – the person, male or female, who calls several times each day, texts you and expects a reply within the hour and doesn’t seem to realise that you need some time with your partner and family or just want some down time on your own.

Although they can be a huge amount of fun at times and you feel that they add something to your life that no-one else does, you might have got to the point where you feel that all the drama of long phone calls and even longer meet-ups isn’t worth it after all.

If you want to carry on the friendship though, you’ll need to develop some firm boundaries and ideally these need to be sooner rather than later, otherwise you’ll get the almost inevitable response “but you’ve never minded before”.

Before you make any sort of decision think about whether you haven’t said something before because you were scared of saying “no” to them, especially if they’ve been going through a tough time. There’s also the fear of offending them – they might simply be vulnerable although there’s also the possibility that their vulnerability can make them manipulative too. There’s something else too -maybe you get lonely and their friendship with all of its demands makes you feel needed and useful.

If you decide that you do want to carry on seeing them, despite some drawbacks, then try the following:

• Remember everything that’s good about them – it will be easier to set some boundaries if you can remind yourself about all the good things that you’re trying to preserve.
• If you don’t want to meet up or it’s simply not convenient, trying suggesting an alternative like “I’m hoping to go out to the pub with Emma and Joe next week – could you come along too?”.
• Set your boundaries whilst safeguarding other friendships – try saying firmly something along the lines of “I love spending time with you but this time I’m seeing Jenny alone. You and I can go out together another time”.
• If you’re finding it hard, practice before talking to your (high maintenance) friend.
• They almost certainly won’t like it – a lot of people won’t stand up to  high-maintenance friends, instead ignoring them and going out of their way to avoid them. Be prepared for even more drama whilst you’re setting these new boundaries.
• Most of all, be consistent as well as firm and patient. It will take time but hopefully your friend will eventually accept these new boundaries.  If not, maybe it’s time to come to terms with it and let the friendship go.

Hopefully you’ve found this blog helpful and interesting – if so, I’d love it if you bought me a coffee ☕ (see tab at top of page). Thank you so much.

You can see my blogs as soon as they are published (usually on Wednesdays) by pressing the ‘follow’ button and you can share them with your friends. You can also find me on LinkedIn, Instagram (samebutdifferent) and read my FB posts every week at Same But Different #samebutdifferent #relationships # issues #bloggerforever #lovewriting #livingchange #makeitcount #canidothis #canyoudothis #ukblogger #femaleblogger #irishblogger