Category Archives: Social anxiety

Are You Or Your Partner Having An Emotional Affair?

It often begins innocently enough as a friendship but when you or your partner start investing a lot of emotional time and energy into a bond outside of your relationship, it can ultimately threaten the intimacy you have with your partner.

Okay, so there hasn’t been actual sexual intimacy, but emotional affairs can still do a lot of damage and are a form of cheating (you may disagree – comments welcome!). If there’s deception and you’re hiding it from your partner, something’s definitely not right. If you’re seeking/finding emotional support outside your relationship, the next step is feeling closer to that person than to your partner (and vice-versa).

One difference between a close platonic friendship and an actual emotional affair is that the intimacy and emotional investment is downplayed or kept secret from your partner.

Some warning signs that you’re having an emotional affair are:

Thinking that your friend understands you better than your partner.
Giving the friend personal gifts
Keeping the friendship secret or downplaying your interest in the other person.
Texting them a lot when you’re not with them.
Sharing thoughts and problems with your friend rather than your partner.
Preoccupation or daydreaming about your friend.
Withdrawing from your partner.

If you recognise this in your own life and want to stop things before any real damage is done to you and your partner, try to assess why you’re not feeling as close to your partner, start being more supportive of one another and make an effort to talk about what’s going on in your lives; make sure that you have some regular quality time together, even if you have small children and start finding ways of dealing with conflict in ways that are healthy.

By making your partner the focus of your life, rather than a ‘special friendship’, there’s a chance to put a spark back into your relationship before it’s too late.

.Bottom of FormHopefully you’ve found this blog helpful and interesting – if so, I’d love it if you bought me a coffee ☕ (see tab at top of page). Thank you so much.

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Do You Have Rules In Your Relationship?

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So do you have rules in your relationship?

Sounds a bit rigid, doesn’t it? But maybe we all have unspoken rules in our relationships and, actually, some of them might be very useful…..

For instance, if you have a rule for what happens when you disagree, one good rule is to take time out; sticking to the point and not swearing are other ‘rules’ that work for a lot of couples. Basically, it’s about keeping the problem contained to what’s going on right now. although seemingly small arguments about whose turn it was to clean the bathroom can mask much deeper issues like one of you feeling a lot of disappointment and sadness. Which brings me to another ‘rule’…

The next thing is the oft-repeated one about communication – you may be a talker but maybe your partner is definitely the opposite. It can be really testing but try to keep listening to each other, rather than filling in the blanks or mind-reading. After that, identifying what’s wrong and trying to find a reasonable solution together, can help you overcome a lot of problems.

There’s some evidence to show that life events such as bereavement, job loss and illness can have a huge impact on your relationship. It’s easy to think that as a couple you’ll pull together, but that’s not always the case. People deal with traumas differently – that’s part of being human – but if you can try to reframe situations so that you feel that you’re a team, you’ve made a good start in getting through them together. So maybe another ‘rule’ is trying to pull together when something big happens.

It’s easy to grow apart, even if you started off very much together, so another ‘rule’ to look at is whether one of you has actually changed more than the other. This isn’t always easy to face, but it doesn’t have to break you up. Think about how you can still be happy and make your relationship work, even if you’ve both changed a lot since first meeting – making sure that you still connect as a couple on important issues is crucial.

A sometimes forgotten rule is that of appreciation; most people thrive when thanked for the little things that they do – criticism can chip away at your partner and your relationship. Remember to show your appreciation when your partner does something to please you – as well as little touches like getting you a cup of tea when you’re tired, there’s also things like thanking them (and vice-versa) for working long hours to provide for your home and children if you have them. These things don’t just happen – they take some effort.

Money problems can be the ruin of a lot of relationships and there’s no wrong or right attitude towards finances but if you have different ways of saving and spending, it can be a real source of friction. The biggest thing though is not having enough money to get through the week and, since Covid, a lot more couples are finding the pinch. Arguing about it won’t help but constructive ways of looking for solutions might well be the answer and if you work together to deal with it, hopefully you’ll find that it brings you closer.

Boredom can put a real dampener on a relationship, so one rule might be to periodically try to create a bit more excitement within your relationship by getting out of a rut, joining a club together or taking up an interest that involves both of you and any children that you might have together. Every relationship changes over time but that doesn’t mean that it has to be monotonous – now’s the time to be part of the solution if you’re feeling bored.

Co-parenting children can be a real hassle if you have different parenting styles but these often relate back to our own childhoods and what we assume is the norm. A ‘rule’ here could be some house rules that you agree on as a family and all try to stick to. Children pick up on conflict between their parents and often use it to get what they want from one parent or another so having some basic rules that you both keep to makes sense. Also, you’ll still be a couple when your children have left home so trying to find time for each other now is an investment in your future together.

Hopefully you’ve found this blog helpful and interesting – if so, I’d love it if you bought me a coffee ☕ (see tab at top of page). Thank you so much.

Everyone Deserves A Second Chance – Don’t They?

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‘These are not the best of times I know
I wouldn’t blame you if you choose to go
I’m sorry for this gloomy circumstance
But everyone deserves a second chance…..’

So say the opening lyrics of the song by Raul Midon (from his If You Really Want Album 2018) which explores the idea of second chances. But the whole concept of second chances partly depends on the sort of the relationship you have with the other person, whether that’s your lover, friend or family member.

It’s very human to want and hope for a second chance if we’ve offended someone or done something to hurt them but if you’re on the receiving end of being hurt or betrayed by someone you care about, it’s often hard to even think about giving that person a second chance.

Do you think it’s right to give up on people when they’ve let you down or is it worth giving them a second chance? Even though forgiveness is something we’re often taught is a good thing, doing so isn’t always easy. What do you think that the benefits of forgiveness are? Here are a few thoughts on that:

If a lover has betrayed you, perhaps by cheating with someone else or spending a lot of your money, it’s easy to think ‘a leopard never changes its spots’ but the concept of people changing and making changes is a basic part of counselling and psychotherapy. People are capable of changing but, as counsellors like to say (and it’s so true!), they’ll only change if they really want to do so!
It makes sense to focus on what you’re feeling when you feel betrayed (that can be within your close relationships or when you’ve been short-changed in a shop or the garage has let you down when repairing your car). However, if you can try to understand why that person behaved in a certain way, adding context to what they did, it can make it easier to show some empathy and forgive them.
If you want people to forgive you if you’ve behaved badly and then give you a second chance, it’s likely that other people feel the same. Most people want an opportunity to redeem themselves.
You’ll almost certainly feel happier if you forgive someone and then give them an opportunity to make good. There’s also a big pay-off from forgiveness in terms of your own emotional wellbeing so from that point of view alone, it’s worthwhile giving someone a second chance.

You may not agree and I’d welcome your comments if you feel that giving someone a second chance is just plain stupid but however you feel about it, let me know your thoughts……

Hopefully you’ve found this blog helpful and interesting – if so, I’d love it if you bought me a coffee ☕ (see tab at top of page). Thank you so much.

Compulsive Shopping Becoming A Problem?

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When you just can’t stop shopping

Goodness knows, the pandemic gave a lot of us plenty of opportunities to shop online and there’s no doubt that buying something new often lightens our spirits, whether it’s clothes, gadgets or blowing money on a holiday. There are a constant flow of adverts in the media that reinforce our spending too. Shopping online on your phone or pc during work breaks or even the middle of the night can feel as if you’re not really spending money at all, but the consequences can be devastating and hard to control.

Although occasional spending isn’t necessarily a bad thing, it can get out of control. We often joke about ‘retail therapy’ and use words like ‘shopaholic’ but if your own urges to shop, or those of someone close to you, become uncontrollable, it’s no longer funny. If you’re spending beyond your means, compulsive shopping is as damaging for finances and relationships as alcoholism or gambling.

However, there are ways to break free but one of the first things to do is take it seriously. If you recognise that you’ve got a real problem, you may need extra support from friends and family and possibly a structured treatment programme to help you to quit. If someone you love suffers with this addiction, they’ll need a lot of support from you and other friends and family.

People who struggle with compulsive shopping often experience ups and downs and find that the urge is strongest when they’re feeling sad, depressed or angry. Going out and buying something new gives them a ‘high’ for a while but then they plummet when the realisation hits that they’ve spent even more money on a shopping spree.

If you recognise this in yourself, have started hiding what you’ve bought or find that you’re maxing out your credit cards and want to try to control these buying splurges, here are a few ways to start the process:

Avoid online stores and shopping channels. Ask someone you trust to block these sites on your phone, pc and television and then secure a password, unknown to you, to unlock them.
If you feel the urge to shop, do something constructive like exercise or take up an interest that doesn’t require you to spend a lot of money.
If you’re going to the shops, write a list and stick to it.
Work out a budget (there are lots of online budget sheets to help you) and make a plan to pay off the debts that you’ve built up.
Your brain has become accustomed to the instant gratification of compulsive shopping and you’ll need the help of a support group to make changes. You could also ask your GP to refer you for Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) – there may be a long waiting list but it will be worth it as, although it’s not suitable for every type of issue, CBT is useful for helping change the ways you think and behave.

Once you’ve tried the above ways to manage compulsive shopping, you’ll start to relax and feel in control of your life again.

Hopefully you’ve found this blog helpful and interesting – if so, I’d love it if you bought me a coffee ☕ (see tab at top of page). Thank you so much.

Talking To The Men In Your Life About Their Mental Health

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I thought that I’d concentrate on men’s’ mental health this week, mainly because it still seems to be a difficult subject for men to talk about, despite all the recent increased awareness of what has previously been a taboo subject.

If the man or men (thinking not just partners but brothers, fathers and friends here) have recently had a change in their lives, this can lead to mental health problems. I’m thinking a relationship breakdown, retirement or job loss…

Some men complain of physical symptoms like headaches, tiredness, nausea or pain in their joints as well as being unable to sleep or losing their appetite. Channeling their pain through more aggressive behaviour is common too, as is drinking or smoking more and taking over the counter painkillers.

So whatever your relationship with them, try to find a way of helping them relax by going for a walk or something similar so that you can talk at the same time. Avoid asking how they feel as a lot of men shy away from that question. Instead, ask what a particular change means to them. When they hopefully start talking, it’s natural to immediately say things like “oh, you’ll soon find another job”, but that stops the conversation and may not actually be true either. Instead, let them talk – and talk, and talk.

Don’t accept a brush-off like “There’s nothing wrong – I’m absolutely fine”. Trust your own feelings and ask again. If they’re struggling with really dark thoughts, suggest them seeing their GP, visiting the website CALM (thecalmzone.net) or calling the Samaritans which is a 24 hour seven day a week service. Their number in the UK and Ireland is 116 123 or you can visit their website samaritans.org. Alternatively, you can e.mail them at jo@samaritans.ie

Lastly, accept that you won’t have all the answers and that’s alright. As long as they know that you’re there when they need you, you’re doing a grand job. Being there physically or at the end of a phone is one of the most important things we can do for anyone who’s struggling with whatever’s going on in their life right now.

Hopefully you’ve found this blog helpful and interesting – if so, I’d love it if you bought me a coffee ☕ (see tab at top of page). Thank you so much.