Category Archives: Social anxiety

Can You Really ‘Future-Proof’ Your Relationship?

Wouldn’t it be great if you could really do that? No worries about the future, no “will they always be faithful?”, just blissful in the knowledge that nothing could ever go wrong. But of course, there are no guarantees in any relationship, however long you’ve been together; that probably doesn’t sound very promising, but things happen, sometimes we have to face challenges we’d never even thought about and the future that looked certain can suddenly seem anything but.

Still, there are ways that we can help things along the road to ‘happy ever after’ and you might already be doing some of them:

The first, and almost essential one, is to be honest with yourself and work out what you want to discuss with your partner, what are your own goals and ambitions not only for yourself but for both of you as a couple? Really, it’s about communication and not burying your head in the sand if they’re doing something that really stresses you. I’m not talking leaving the top of the toothpaste either – more along the lines of how you’re equal partners, wanting the same things and working together on whatever those goals are.
That brings me onto the next part which is understanding how they communicate – everyone has different ways of saying how they feel and also, how they resolve arguments. Some of that is (I think) partly due to our upbringing, how we saw our parents resolve difficulties – if your father flew off the handle and your mother reacted by crying (or vice-versa), but you weren’t around when they seemed to ‘make up’ you’ll not have a great understanding of how that happened. Or maybe one of them sulked for days and then, eventually, things resolved. Whatever you learned from that, it’s good to find your own way with your partner and accept that people don’t always say sorry but show it in other ways, by cooking a nice dinner or taking out the bins when it’s not usually on their ‘to do’ list. Only you know what works best for both of you as a couple and figuring out how you’d like to resolve friction is a good way forward.
Make time to check in on one another – things can get very hectic with work, family, sport and friends. So many commitments, but checking in with your partner about how they’re feeling, is a good way of making sure that you’re both happy with the way things are. It’s also a good opportunity to let your partner know what you’re happy about, the things that you enjoy and your all-round appreciation of what you have.
Finally, as we become closer in our relationship, it’s easy to believe that your partner has the same feelings and thoughts as you do but don’t make assumptions. People change and understanding differences whilst respecting their opinions go a long way to making sure that things stay good.

So, there’s no absolute guarantee that you can future-proof your relationship, but hopefully you’ll find that the above go a long way to helping your partnership become, and stay, long-term.

Hopefully you’ve found this blog helpful and interesting – if so, I’d love it if you bought me a coffee ☕ (see tab at top of page). Thank you so much.

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“Smooth Seas Do Not Make Skilful Sailors”

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There’s an African proverb that says, “Smooth seas do not make skilful sailors.” In other words, it’s the hard knocks in life that soften our rough edges and help to shape us into someone who is resilient.

Whilst I think it’s true that having to deal with difficulties and disappointments often help to shape our characters, surely some people have too much to cope with? Life’s knocks can get us down especially if we have no real support, have to deal with a lot of ill health or cope with several bereavements within a short space of time.

The school of hard knocks isn’t the only way to build up resilience – there are several ways to get through hard times so that we can bounce back and feel happier. I have a lot of empathy for people whose lives have gone downhill with all the negativity that they’ve had to cope with but if you’re reading this in the hope of developing more emotional strength and feel that you have too much to cope with, try the following and see how you get on. I’m not saying that you won’t feel overwhelmed at times, but these tips will hopefully diminish those feelings so that you’ll feel happier again:

When things go wrong, try thinking “things will eventually get better, even if I can’t see that right now”. Being resilient is partly about realising that it’s unlikely to always be that way, even if you can’t see a way out right now.
Find something, however small that you can control – there are loads of things we can’t control and these include big challenges like broken relationships, bereavement or redundancy but by taking small steps in almost any area of life can help us to see a brighter future.
Sometimes we undermine our own resilience by thinking “Is this down to me?” rather than realising that sometimes things are out of our control such as when the car breaks down (’I should have made sure it was serviced’) or when we’re late and it’s had a knock-on effect on other things (‘I should have prioritised more; I’m no good at anything’). Give yourself a break emotionally and recognise that if you’ve had a lot of other more serious things to deal with, smaller things like servicing the car can easily get pushed to one side. Try to think about what you can do to stop the problem occurring again.
Focus on what’s gone right even if that’s hard – there will be one or two things that have actually been positive, even if other negative things have piled up. I’m not suggesting that if you’ve had a death in your family or are dealing with a cancer diagnosis, you shouldn’t let yourself grieve for what you’ve lost, whether that’s a person dear to you or a frightening illness, but even on the darkest days there will be one or two things that have been alright. It could be a kindly neighbour who’s taken in a parcel for you or even cooked you a meal, or that there was a glimmer of sunshine after hours of rain. Even on the worst of days, there will be some little things that were good and they can make a difference.
This isn’t about living a life where you pretend things are always fine but more about getting a perspective.
Ask other people to help you – when we have problems it’s so easy to feel isolated. Social media ensures that we’re constantly seeing people who apparently have perfect lives, having achieved great things but realistically, however true those stories are, most of us need help at times so don’t be afraid to ask for that if you’re struggling. This doesn’t have to put a burden on the person you’re asking for help – maybe you just need someone to listen or to share their knowledge about something that they know more about than you do.
Find something to laugh at – it could be an old episode of ‘Only Fools and Horses’, but really, anything that floats your boat so that you’re having a laugh, is good; really good.
Finally, find a distraction – it often helps to take time out, even if it’s only for a few minutes. One of the best things is exercise if you can motivate yourself to get out there and walk in the fresh air or go to a yoga or meditation class. This can often help us to think more clearly.

Hopefully you’ve found this blog helpful and interesting – if so, I’d love it if you bought me a coffee ☕ (see tab at top of page). Thank you so much.

Your Narcissistic Friend

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It’s an easy label to stick on someone and not a characteristic we ideally want in a close friend. After all, most of us choose our close friends because they have a lot in common with us, they’re fun and we feel a connection (or perhaps you’ve found more complicated reasons – you tell me!).

However, it’s easy to get sucked in by narcissists, mainly because at first they seem interested in us as well as being friendly but underneath they’re often focused on their own needs. Still, not easy to spot because they’re so good at putting on a good ‘front’. You decide:

They don’t really seem to care or understand your feelings. We all want compassionate friends we can talk to if we’re going through tough times but they tend to start asking you lots of questions about the decisions you’ve made instead of empathising with you.
At the other end of the scale, if you do well they don’t always want to recognise your success because it takes some of the limelight away from them.
They see other people as a means of getting what they want; they’ll often use someone for their connections, skills or resources without really taking into account how the lack of empathy affects those people.
They always need to be the centre of attention and will go to great lengths to make sure that they’re getting noticed.
Leading on from that need, you’ll notice that they’re excellent at ‘virtue signalling’, making sure that they demonstrate how good they are and what a social conscience they have.
They react very defensively if they’re criticised – it blows their ego and they can’t really handle it.
They don’t recognise why certain boundaries are important to you.
It’s never their fault – they tend to dodge responsibility and instead, shift the blame to someone else.

Sounds familiar? Even though your friend may exhibit several of the above traits, it doesn’t make them a bad person. They’re often insecure and have a huge need to be liked because underneath there are a lot of insecurities and fear of rejection. However, if you don’t keep repeating what’s unacceptable, you’re unlikely to have a healthy friendship with them.

If you understand them and feel that you get a lot out of the friendship then hopefully your friendship will survive and even thrive.

Hopefully you’ve found this blog helpful and interesting – if so, I’d love it if you bought me a coffee ☕ (see tab at top of page). Thank you so much.

Still Trying To Find That Special Someone?

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If you’re yearning for someone special in your life but always seem to end up with the wrong person (wrong for you, not necessarily for someone else though), it can be hard, particularly if a lot of your friends are part of a happy couple.

So, what can you do to improve your chances of finding someone who wants a long-term commitment?

First of all, don’t waste your time hanging onto someone who ultimately isn’t going to be good for you. In other words, if someone shows you early on that they’re not really right for you, don’t hang on in there thinking that eventually they’ll change. It’s very unlikely that that will happen and you’ll have wasted time and energy on something that won’t work out.

Be discerning about who you go out with – don’t agree to date someone because you feel desperate or lonely. It’s not a good foundation for anything long-term.

If you really want a committed relationship (rather than ‘just a bit of fun’), only date people who are also ready for a something long-term.

Unless you live in a rural area and are very isolated socially, there will be groups of single people that you come into contact with who find you attractive. So, ignore the possible partners who aren’t single and any who are obviously not attracted to you. Getting attached to unavailable people is painful and a waste of time (sounds obvious but it’s easy to get carried away on those first heady dates but you need to know how available they are before committing yourself any further!).

Of the people that find you attractive, there will be a smaller group that you find attractive too. However, there’s no point in dating any of them if they don’t want a commitment at some point in the future. You can usually suss this out by asking subtle questions on, say, the first date or even in general conversation.

Also, don’t ask well-meaning family and friends what they think, or at least, take their advice with a pinch of salt. Anything along the lines of “you’re too choosy” and “someone will come along when you least expect it” isn’t really helpful in the long run.

So, to summarise: only date people if

They find you attractive
You find them attractive
They’re single and available
They are ready for a long-term commitment
They show signs of wanting that commitment with you.

When I ask clients why they chose their partner, they often reply that they didn’t choose them, “they just came along”, but there is almost always a choice made on our parts, even if we can’t see it at the time!

Hopefully this blog has interested you enough to encourage you to look at who you choose to date. Most of us have that choice and it’s up to us to make sure that we’re making good decisions about our future.

Hopefully you’ve found this blog helpful and interesting – if so, I’d love it if you bought me a coffee ☕ (see tab at top of page). Thank you so much.

Can You Really Be Too Nice?

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Of course, it almost goes without saying that being nice is a positive thing but, could it actually mean that it’s detrimental in some ways too?

There has to be balance in all relationships, whether that’s with a partner, friends or family and if you’re nice all of the time it can also mean that you become a bit of a doormat and aren’t always taken seriously, whether that’s at work or home. Your own preferences can be over-ridden and you can feel neglected.

You find yourself avoiding conflict at all costs in case it upsets other people, prioritising their needs over your own and agreeing even when you feel differently – sounds familiar? If you recognise these traits and want to change things it’s a good idea to think about why you put so much value on being nice – it might be that your parents or siblings have always been difficult to please and only praised you if you were ‘nice’ all the time growing up but were very judgmental if you expressed different opinions. It may have been something that you picked up on when you were younger and thought that always agreeing was better than having conflict in your life.

Whatever the reason, if you want to change there are ways that you can do this:

Start by being more assertive and challenging opinions that you disagree with. If you begin with small ideas and plans, they’ll grow as your self-confidence increases. A word of warning though – other people don’t always like change and they may challenge you along the way. “You always used to be so easy-going – what’s happened?” are questions you may have to get used to! It’s easy to carry on how you were, but if you want to change, this is almost inevitable.
Insist that you’re taken seriously and not taken advantage of, expressing your own needs and sticking out for things that you consider right are all part of this.
Look up how you can increase your self-esteem online and practice the techniques in your everyday life.
At work, being too nice, or accommodating, means that you might have been overlooked for management opportunities. Fear of being disliked doesn’t make for a good manager in any situation. In that role, you’ll almost certainly have to make tough, sometimes unpopular, decisions but no-one respects a manager who can’t actually manage.

Of course, having a very agreeable person around is definitely a positive thing but be aware of being exploited and ensure that kindness doesn’t stop you achieving what you want rather than pleasing other people in your life all the time.

Hopefully you’ve found this blog helpful and interesting – if so, I’d love it if you bought me a coffee ☕ (see tab at top of page). Thank you so much.