Any counsellor and psychotherapist will tell you that you can only change your behaviour if you really want to – it can be done, but it often takes hard work.

However, don’t despair, because if you’ve decided that you really want to change, starting with some small steps can make a big difference. There are often some common patterns that can hold you back though – here are some of them; take a look and see if they resonate with you and, if so, what you can do about them.

• One of the first, and most compelling, is negative self-talk; to make some real changes, start believing in yourself and replace self-criticism with some positive affirmations like “I can do this if I put my mind to it”. Believing in yourself is really important.
• Fear of failure is also something that will hold you back, even if you’re determined to change. It can hold you back in a big way but try to recognise that in order to grow, you’ll inevitably make mistakes but these are natural and are part of your development.
• Procrastination is a big one too and can really hold us back when we’re trying to change. Try to prioritise your tasks and aim to be consistent, setting small goals along the way so that you’re often achieving some progress even if it’s not as quick as we’d like!
• Don’t compare yourself to other people – nothing’s more demoralising than constantly making comparisons. If you’re doing this, try to avoid social media for a while – instead, focus on yourself and your personal growth.
• Trying to please other people and a desire to make them happy or do what they expect of you means that you can often neglect your own needs. Thinking about yourself isn’t selfish, even if that’s a message that you took from childhood, but it’s essential if you want to change and prioritise yourself at times.
• Lastly, try to set more boundaries with friends, family and colleagues – the hardest thingabout change is that other people in your life may not like it. They say things like “you never used to react like that” and “why have you changed? You were always so easy-going” – these comments make it harder to change and we default back to our old ways. Of course people in your life preferred it when you fell in with their ideas and needs and they won’t always want you to change but for your own long-term happiness, it can be a life-changer, so give it a go.

You can see my blogs as soon as they are published (usually on Wednesdays) by pressing the ‘follow’ button and you can share them with your friends. You can also find me on LinkedIn, Instagram (samebutdifferent) and read my FB posts every week at Same But Different #samebutdifferent #relationships # issues #bloggerforever #lovewriting #livingchange #makeitcount #canidothis #canyoudothis #ukblogger #femaleblogger #irishblogger

Some of you will describe your partner as your ‘best friend’ and then others might say they’re on the verge of leaving their partner; in between those two extremes are all the couples who have everyday niggles about one another but mostly get along fine, with occasional arguments.

But relationships are affected by things that can seem quite small but can grow bigger very quickly. In other words, they’re fragile and some times more than others. Most relationships go through different stages and, ideally, people change together but not always because we don’t always know how change will affect us until it happens.

There are things that can really take their toll though and it’s important to realise what they are and try to avoid them. Read on…..

• Neglecting your partner’s needs – no relationship is going to be successful if you only think and care about what you want. There often needs to be compromise along with lots of talking. Putting your own needs first will never result in a healthy relationship and of course the same applies if your partner is the self-centred one.
• Being disrespectful towards one another – if this happens, it can eventually destroy your relationship. If you’re annoyed with your partner, it’s all too easy to become disrespectful and although you might apologise later, it can cause a gulf between you.
• Try not to take your partner for granted – however happy you are, things can become stale if you don’t even see their good qualities any longer. It’s important to keep showing your love and appreciation.
• Don’t focus on the negatives – maybe they didn’t take out the rubbish, mow the lawn or buy the breakfast cereal you like but they might have done all the washing or got the car serviced which are things that contribute to your mutual life together. Try to remember that before you criticise what they haven’t done.
• Holding a grudge is a big ‘no no’ in relationships. Forgiveness is paramount and people make mistakes. If you can’t let things go, not just in your relationship, but with friends and family, you’ll never be truly happy.
• Constantly doubting your partner means that your relationship can never truly thrive because trust is paramount and one of the most critical parts of healthy relationships. If it’s missing, it means that your partner constantly has to justify themselves, which is no way to live.
• In the same way, being very possessive can make your partner feel suffocated. The tighter you hold them, the more they’ll want to get free. Try to work on your own self-esteem and issues to help you with possessiveness. If your partner has betrayed your trust in the past, it will be hard to regain but seeing a couples therapist will help the process if that’s what you both want.
• When you’re with your family and friends, it might be easy to poke fun at your partner in front of them and it might well be just humour. But being in a relationship doesn’t give you the right to bring them down in front of people, mock their interests or habits. In the long run it can affect someone’s emotional stability and confidence so better to rein yourself in even if you don’t get as many laughs!
• Lastly, making time for each other is important too. It’s often tempting to stay on at work, go out with friends or pursue your other interests, but all relationships need attention, with the other person feeling special and loved, just as you like to yourself.

You can see my blogs as soon as they are published (usually on Wednesdays) by pressing the ‘follow’ button and you can share them with your friends. You can also find me on LinkedIn, Instagram (samebutdifferent) and read my FB posts every week at Same But Different #samebutdifferent #relationships # issues #bloggerforever #lovewriting #livingchange #makeitcount #canidothis #canyoudothis #ukblogger #femaleblogger #irishblogger

Family problems are never easy to deal with unless you’ve hardened yourself against your nearest and dearest (and maybe they’re not that near or dear even though they’re family!).

It’s easy to say “I’ll never speak to them again” in the heat of the moment but the consequences of that can impact on the rest of your family and ultimately you too because even if you feel betrayed or very hurt by a sibling or parent, there will almost certainly be things that you will miss too.

We expect our loved ones to know what we need or want, especially when a shared history and family dynamics are at play. We sometimes assume they know what we’re going through without our having to explicitly share. However, these assumptions are sometimes wrong and don’t lead to healthy communication.

A lot depends on how much you want to reconcile and how long the situation has been going on. Sometimes, in an emergency like a parent becoming very ill, things have to be said and done to try to mend a rift, if only on a temporary basis. But if you’ve had an argument with someone in your family and miss them but feel they won’t reconcile, the only thing to do is reach out to them. If you wait for them to do that, it might never happen.

People get scared that all the old problems will be rehashed and wonder if they can just move on without the need to analyse and talk about it. Of course, life moves on anyway whether we like it or not but in this particular case, the longer things go on, the harder it can be to heal.

It is possible to have a fresh start though, especially if you approach it with care. A break in a relationship can be a time to re-evaluate what’s happened and acknowledge your own part in it. It’s good to reflection how the other person or people have dealt with the hurt too. There’s no guarantee that an approach on your part will work but if you decide to go for it, ask yourself why you want to reconcile. Is there pressure from other family members and has something changed that makes you think that things might be better now?

If you want to go ahead, ask yourself how you want your relationship to change and what your expectations are. Think about what you want to say and how you might say it. The other person might want to talk about but you might not. Some sort of compromise has to be reached and boundaries need to be put down too. If they’ve agreed to meet up, try to broach the subject of how you’ll discuss it. For instance, no interrupting and no monologues from either of you. If you’re the one who doesn’t want to discuss things, remember that they have needs too and some discussion might be needed to resolve at least some of the issues.

If they’ve agreed to meet, if shows a willingness to find a resolution even though some people just want to prove that they were right all along! Make sure that you’re heard, make a few notes beforehand if it helps and, most of all, realise that both of you will probably need to make some changes in the way you deal with things. Every family has ways of dealing with issues, ranging from sweeping them under the carpet to out and out shouting matches. If you’ve grown up in either of those households, you won’t have established a way of resolving issues but now’s your chance to change that and move forward more peaceably to a calmer future.

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How tempting is it to take a look at your partner’s phone?! I’d say a lot of us might take a peek if we thought we’d get away with it but some/a lot of you might disagree? What about their right to privacy? Well, as with so many things, it depends…….

Of course it’s a violation of their privacy but that line can become blurred when you have an intimate relationship with someone. Most people (not all, I know) tell a few little white lies to avoid conflict.

Some of it can be curiosity because when you see them looking at their phone you wonder, naturally, who they’re texting and if the answer isn’t particularly forthcoming, it can be irritating at best and send out alarm bells. But if you’re just a curious person and your partner knows that, they might be fine with you having a look and then you can laugh about it together.

But sometimes the desire to look at their phone is a sign of deeper issues in the relationship and if you’re looking for something amiss, you’ll probably find it, if only because texts can be misleading in their purpose and intentions.

However, if your partner has already cheated on you, it makes sense to have an agreement of complete transparency from then on if you’re going to continue together. This has to be mutually agreed but is one way of repairing the harm done. I have to add right here that if someone’s determined to cheat, they can always get another phone to text their lover but we won’t go down that road right now!

Checking their phone can be tied to issues around communication or intimacy because if problems are left in the air rather than being discussed, suspicions can mount. Sometimes it can be easier to check their phone rather than telling them how vulnerable you feel and why you feel the need to look at their phone. But although it can seem justified, it often creates more problems than it resolves.

Even if your partner hasn’t given you any reason to doubt them, you might feel insecure anyway, particularly if you’ve dated or lived with someone who cheated in the past. The betrayal will usually have stayed with you for a long time afterwards. Subconsciously, you may feel that a new partner will betray you or that they’re not really committed to you. This may not be the case at all, particularly if there’s no real evidence to suggest this.  If you don’t trust what they are telling you, in effect you’re doubting who they are and wondering whether the person they really are is reflected in the contents of their phone.

If you’re looking at their phone without their knowledge, it’s sustaining secrecy in your relationship. So, generally it’s not alright, particularly as you might find something that’s innocent but blow it up into something big. Or, instead, you might find something suggesting or even confirming that they were doing something you wouldn’t like (not necessarily having an affair but maybe doing business deals that you didn’t know about or buying things that you weren’t aware of). Of course, you’re going to be upset and it’s then become a self-fulfilling prophecy as well as being a bad way of finding out (is there ever a ‘good way’? Probably not!!).

In the end, there are no guarantees in any relationship, but going through someone’s phone shows that there’s a breakdown in communication. If you want to remedy that, ideally there needs to be an agreement that either you can both go through each other’s phones or that each of you needs some privacy even in your relationship, including keeping the contents of your phone to yourself.

When you feel threatened by your partner’s independence it’s not a healthy situation. If you have a relationship built on trust, it gives both of you room to connect with friends, family and colleagues.

Let me know what you think and whether you’ve found this blog interesting, useful or otherwise. You can see my blogs as soon as they are published (usually on Wednesdays) by pressing the ‘follow’ button and you can share them with your friends. You can also find me on Linked In, Instagram (samebutdifferent) and read my FB posts at Same But Different.#samebutdifferent #relationships # issues #bloggerforever #lovewriting #livingchange #makeitcount #canidothis #canyoudothis #ukblogger #femaleblogger #irishblogger