How tempting is it to take a look at your partner’s phone?! I’d say a lot of us might take a peek if we thought we’d get away with it but some/a lot of you might disagree? What about their right to privacy? Well, as with so many things, it depends…….

Of course it’s a violation of their privacy but that line can become blurred when you have an intimate relationship with someone. Most people (not all, I know) tell a few little white lies to avoid conflict.

Some of it can be curiosity because when you see them looking at their phone you wonder, naturally, who they’re texting and if the answer isn’t particularly forthcoming, it can be irritating at best and send out alarm bells. But if you’re just a curious person and your partner knows that, they might be fine with you having a look and then you can laugh about it together.

But sometimes the desire to look at their phone is a sign of deeper issues in the relationship and if you’re looking for something amiss, you’ll probably find it, if only because texts can be misleading in their purpose and intentions.

However, if your partner has already cheated on you, it makes sense to have an agreement of complete transparency from then on if you’re going to continue together. This has to be mutually agreed but is one way of repairing the harm done. I have to add right here that if someone’s determined to cheat, they can always get another phone to text their lover but we won’t go down that road right now!

Checking their phone can be tied to issues around communication or intimacy because if problems are left in the air rather than being discussed, suspicions can mount. Sometimes it can be easier to check their phone rather than telling them how vulnerable you feel and why you feel the need to look at their phone. But although it can seem justified, it often creates more problems than it resolves.

Even if your partner hasn’t given you any reason to doubt them, you might feel insecure anyway, particularly if you’ve dated or lived with someone who cheated in the past. The betrayal will usually have stayed with you for a long time afterwards. Subconsciously, you may feel that a new partner will betray you or that they’re not really committed to you. This may not be the case at all, particularly if there’s no real evidence to suggest this.  If you don’t trust what they are telling you, in effect you’re doubting who they are and wondering whether the person they really are is reflected in the contents of their phone.

If you’re looking at their phone without their knowledge, it’s sustaining secrecy in your relationship. So, generally it’s not alright, particularly as you might find something that’s innocent but blow it up into something big. Or, instead, you might find something suggesting or even confirming that they were doing something you wouldn’t like (not necessarily having an affair but maybe doing business deals that you didn’t know about or buying things that you weren’t aware of). Of course, you’re going to be upset and it’s then become a self-fulfilling prophecy as well as being a bad way of finding out (is there ever a ‘good way’? Probably not!!).

In the end, there are no guarantees in any relationship, but going through someone’s phone shows that there’s a breakdown in communication. If you want to remedy that, ideally there needs to be an agreement that either you can both go through each other’s phones or that each of you needs some privacy even in your relationship, including keeping the contents of your phone to yourself.

When you feel threatened by your partner’s independence it’s not a healthy situation. If you have a relationship built on trust, it gives both of you room to connect with friends, family and colleagues.

Let me know what you think and whether you’ve found this blog interesting, useful or otherwise. You can see my blogs as soon as they are published (usually on Wednesdays) by pressing the ‘follow’ button and you can share them with your friends. You can also find me on Linked In, Instagram (samebutdifferent) and read my FB posts at Same But Different.

#relationships #self-esteem #trust #boundaries

I wrote about this three years ago and since then I’ve noticed that it’s become quite a mainstream topic, with magazines publishing articles about it now. I wrote about it originally because I became aware that someone I knew was gaslighting me and I realised then how difficult it can be to deal with.

First of all though, if you’re in any doubt about where it comes from, gaslighting is a term that comes of the 1944 film Gaslight where a husband tried to convince his wife that she is going insane and eventually causes her to question herself and her whole life.

In a milder form, it’s now become a more focal term in counselling and psychotherapy and is usually to do with power and control in a relationship which can be from a partner, family member or work colleague. It is arguable that the ‘gaslighter’ (the one who perpetrates this situation) is also a narcissist but for the purpose of this blog I’m going to look at how the gaslighter often behaves; if you’re a victim of this type of manipulation, I also show how you can deal with it which is how I dealt with it when it happened to me, once I recognised it for what it was.

It usually goes like this:

• The gaslighter creates a narrative about the gaslightee which suggests that there’s something wrong and inadequate about them. This might be along the lines of “why do you always do that/say this – it’s unnecessary”. This can make the other person start to question themselves.
• Repetition – this type of conversation is repeated over and over again, sometimes in front of other people but more often when the target is alone with the gaslighter. This is a big
• Escalation – if questioned, the gaslighter refutes evidence and attempts to make their lies and exaggerations look reasonable.
• Wearing down the victim – often the gaslighter wears down the victim who becomes fearful, self-doubting, resigned and pessimistic.
• The gaslighter appears to have the power – they will grant acceptance, respect and approval only if it suits them to do so (often in front of other people).
• They will occasionally give false hope – they will treat the victim with superficial kindness so that the victim thinks ‘maybe things will get better now’.
• They use people close to you as ammunition – one of the things that they use will be people that you’re close to, whom they’ll try to get onside in their subtle attacks on you.

So what can you do about it if you feel that you are the victim of a gaslighter?

• First of all, don’t take the bait and when you feel that they’re trying to undermine you, don’t fall into the trap of questioning yourself about what’s happened.
• Set some boundaries for yourself and them – you don’t have to answer all their questions if you find them intrusive and you can walk away if you want to.
• Keep your life as personal as possible – they’ll want to know every detail if you let them. Make sure that your journals and phone are out of their reach so that they can’t pry.
• Don’t introduce your friends to them – they’ll probably charm them and make you out to be the weird one. If you’re part of the same friendship group, keep your thoughts about the gaslighter to yourself unless you have absolute proof of what they’re doing.
  Don’t argue or discuss personal things with them – they have to ‘win’ at all costs.
• Walk away as much as possible – you can say ‘no’ and not engage in every conversation that the gaslighter wants to have with you.

If you feel that you’re the victim of a gaslighter and are finding it hard to cope, counselling may well be of help in this situation, or talk to a trusted friend – sharing your fears can really help, but only if you know that they’re not going to influenced in any way by the person who’s gaslighting you.

Please do comment on my blog if you have found it interesting, useful or otherwise. You can see my blogs as soon as they are published (usually on Wednesdays) by pressing the ‘follow’ button and you can share them with your friends. You can also find me on Linked In, Instagram (samebutdifferent) and read my FB posts at Same But Different.

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