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Are You Dealing With A Manipulator?

It’s easy to think of someone who’s a master/mistress of manipulation as a hideous figure who sits there with arms folded, looking forbidding. If only it was that! It’s rarely that easy to spot a manipulator – think more of a wolf in sheep’s clothing where you can think that someone is harmless, rather than calculating and furtive.

Do you suspect that this is happening to you and that someone you know is gradually gaining control of you or someone close to you? So what should you look out for?

Someone who is very charismatic and excessively nice; there are people who do have those characteristics and are genuine, but nevertheless, be aware that not everyone falls into that category.
They will do almost anything to get you to trust them, including confiding in you so that you feel ‘special’.
They play the victim to try to get their own way.
They’re often passive-aggressive, saying one thing and meaning or doing another.
They use the silent treatment against you if you question them.

So if you recognise some or all of the above, what can you do? Well, it’s not easy but recognising what’s happening is a good start (even though it’s hard if you really like someone).Then – try taking a step back, in a literal sense as well as emotionally. This is because manipulators often attempt to pat you on the shoulder or back, using the physical proximity as well as cajoling you to pressurise you into doing what they want.

Try to stay emotionally neutral by not reacting in an emotional way. By staying calm and responding to criticism (there’s almost always criticism!), you minimise them playing on your vulnerability. So responding with sentences like “I disagree with what you’re saying about me so I’m leaving it there” and refuse to enter further discussion on that particular subject.

Tell them that you no longer respond to calls and texts are 9p.m. and before 9a.m. each day. There’s no need to give a long explanation, just say that it works better for you.

Look them in the eye – it can be very intense but is often a tactic used by manipulators. You may have to practice this but it will be worth it.

If they say that you ‘always’ do a particular thing (usually something that they don’t like!), ask them for examples of other times that it’s happened. Unless they can cite six other examples, ‘always’ isn’t true and you can tell them this.

They often know how to push your buttons, but you do have the power to say “I’m not going to do this and you have to accept it” and then keep to that.

Lastly, but perhaps most importantly, don’t let yourself become isolated. A manipulator will try to get you to withdraw from your family or other friends. Instead of withdrawing, start spending more time those people who are usually close to you – it will help you to break free from a manipulator’s grip over you.

It won’t be easy, but keep trying the above and you will be able to live your life freely without fear of upsetting someone who wants to manipulate you.

Hopefully you’ve found this blog interesting – let me know your thoughts on it. You can see my blogs as soon as they are published (usually on Wednesdays) by pressing the ‘follow’ button and you can share them with your friends. You can also find me on LinkedIn, Instagram (samebutdifferent) and read my FB posts every week at Same But Different #samebutdifferent #relationships # issues #bloggerforever #lovewriting #livingchange #makeitcount #canidothis #canyoudothis #ukblogger #femaleblogger #irishblogger

Ever Been ‘Dumped’ By One Of Your Friends?

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I was talking about this with some of my friends last night (following which, I hope that none of them will ‘dump’ me!). The subject of holidays came up and one person said that they’d had a great holiday with a friend, but on the last day that person had ignored her and refused to take any calls from her since. Another friend then said that she’d had a similar thing happen to her – someone she thought she was close to had suddenly stopped talking to her for no apparent reason.

We all agreed how painful this is and how we tend to blame ourselves, questioning ‘what did I do wrong?’ and scrutinising every little thing we’d said and done in previous weeks or months. It’s not surprising that it hurts so much though – we choose our friends, whereas with family, we don’t and because we’ve made that choice, it can feel more catastrophic if it comes to an end.

Trying to make sense of being dumped is hard – sometimes it happens because of different life choices, where life takes you in different directions. Careers, babies and the geography of one or both of you moving to different towns, areas or even countries. The worst part of it is not knowing why or how it’s happened, or maybe you have a slight inkling and have tried to make things better by texting, phoning or even calling round. But ultimately, if your friend no longer wants to be in your life, you can’t make them.

It’s easier than ever before to break up – for a start, there’s telling someone by text that you no longer want to see them or just blocking their calls. No explanation needed. The end. Well, the end for them, but not for you. If you do get an explanation, it might well be that whatever happened is the last straw but you had no idea until that time. Also, sometimes things happen in friendship that we tend to push to one side, not really addressing them until it’s too late.

Basically, it’s a huge loss and the grief you feel if it’s happened to you is really painful. Facing up to the fact that that person doesn’t want to see or speak to you again is a really hard pill to swallow.

If this has happened to you, take comfort from the fact that if you’ve tried your absolute best to put things right again, you can’t actually do any more. From then on, don’t let the experience put you off being the best friend that you can be to the others in your life. Keep your focus on them, cherish them and resolve to never behave like this towards someone else.

Don’t descend into loathing yourself – it’s entirely possible that it’s not actually down to you, even though it feels like it. Years down the line you may find that it had very little to do with you but a lot to do with what was going on in their lives at the time. Even if that doesn’t happen, focus on trying to accept what’s happened and be honest with yourself about why you were friendly with that person. Was it really all on their terms and what did you get from the friendship? Sometimes, long-term friendships become untenable and although people can and do grow together (like a good marriage), sometimes they don’t. Try to look at the bigger picture and see how you can use this experience to ensure that you talk to any other friends as soon as any niggles arise.

Don’t bottle up your feelings but talk to a therapist if you’re really struggling – as I often say, talking about it can really help!

If you’ve found yourself in the position of being dumped by a close friend, I hope that this blog has helped you to understand your own feelings and perhaps some of theirs too – let me know your thoughts on it.

You can see my blogs as soon as they are published (usually on Wednesdays) by pressing the ‘follow’ button and you can share them with your friends. You can also find me on LinkedIn, Instagram (samebutdifferent) and read my FB posts every week at Same But Different #samebutdifferent #relationships # issues #bloggerforever #lovewriting #livingchange #makeitcount #canidothis #canyoudothis #ukblogger #femaleblogger #irishblogger

What Exactly Are Attachment Issues?

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You’ve probably heard the phrase before and maybe someone’s even suggested that you might have attachment issues yourself, but what exactly does it mean?

Well, attachment is the deep emotional connection formed in the first instance between a child and the person providing their care; the quality of this connection is critical in the emotional development of children. If it’s a secure bond, or attachment, it’s the basis for resilience and positive relationships as these children grow into adults; however, if it isn’t secure – for instance, the caregiver, perhaps through no fault of their own, can’t provide reliable, and also consistent, care this can affect the mental health and future relationships as the children move into adulthood. If a child has many changing caregivers, or they’re insensitive, the child is neglected or they experience trauma, all these factors affect the attachment bond.

As adults, people with insecure attachment issues often find difficulty in forming emotional or physical bonds with other people, maintaining boundaries is hard and they can experience anxiety, mood changes and intense reactions to changes, particularly in their routines, and sometimes engage in high-risk behaviours like substance abuse.

If you, or someone close to you, is experiencing these issues, be reassured that there is help available and therapy is an important part of recovery.

Talking therapy involving one-to-one counselling or as a family can help to address attachment issues, making sense of all the different feelings and addressing the challenges involved; it’s about finding coping strategies to deal with all the different feelings that surface. Starting to understand how past experiences in childhood can have a drastic effect on present relationships is the start of the therapeutic process. In other words, to deal with it, you need to acknowledge it.

It’s also important to realise that people with attachment issues haven’t always had the opportunity to nurture good habits of self-care so remembering to eat nutritiously, exercise regularly and learn self-soothing skills is important.

There is also a lot of online help for attachment issues so these are worth reading through as well. If you feel that you’ve been affected by some of the issues I’ve written about, give yourself a chance to read more and seek therapeutic help if you feel you need more support. It’s important to feel that you can make changes, even if your childhood was lacking in ideal nurturing relationships.

Ever Feel That Other People Are In Charge Of Your Life?

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It’s not always easy to tell if you’re being manipulated by other people, whether it’s a family member, your partner or a friend and it’s even more difficult to acknowledge that this is happening. There are all different ways that people can manipulate you, some of them quite sneaky, but if you’re feeling bad about a lot of the decisions you make or feel consistently tired and anxious, it might well be because you feel other people are in charge of your life.

In some cases it can be fairly harmless like someone pretending to cry so that they get their own way, but at other times, this sort of manipulation can end up with you feeling very low and doubting yourself. This is because if someone else is manipulating you, it’s a form of control and although you may have certain ideas and feelings about something, the other person will try to pressurise you into changing your mind and feeling the same as them.

Using guilt is one way of emotionally manipulating someone, saying things like “you wouldn’t go out with your friends so much if you really loved me” or “you’d provide a better home for us if you really cared”. These sort of comments are very hard to deal with and can eat away at our self-confidence.

Bullying is another example of this, for instance where you’re called names or asked questions along the lines of “what on earth made decide to wear that? It’s not the best choice for this occasion” or “Don’t be stupid. We can’t do that”. In other words, things that can drag you down.

Constant criticism is another form of manipulation and bullying – if someone rarely praises you and always finds fault, it is easy to start doubting the decisions that you make.

Someone who’s passive-aggressive can be harder to spot – who hasn’t known people who say things like “I’m not going to make any decisions today – you decide where we’ll go and what we’ll do” and then, an hour later starts moaning about the journey, activity or something else that you’ve chosen. Even worse, they sulk about it and you find yourself trying to work out what’s wrong but they refuse to tell you!

Gaslighting is something I’ve written about before and it’s very insidious; if you’re constantly being told that you’re stupid, crazy or imagining things, it’s easy to start doubting what you’re doing.

Freezing someone out or giving them the cold shoulder is a very common manipulation – this, along with refusing to show affection, are difficult to deal with and it’s a strong person who decides to let the other person get on with that and do their own thing instead.

Someone showering you with gifts, compliments and affection can also be a way of manipulating someone because once that’s been established, the giver feels that they have more control over the recipient, who often feels grateful and doesn’t want to refuse any requests made of them.

If someone plays ‘the hero’ in a relationship or friendship, they often start saying things like “you only have all these things because of me” or “you only got that job because of my influence”. Again, you are supposed to feel grateful to them for being your ‘saviour’.

So what can you do to stop this continuing and protect yourself against this sort of manipulation and control?

The first thing is to recognise what’s happening and after that, you can start to put down boundaries, rather than being a people-pleaser. One important part of this is that boundaries don’t need to be justified or defended by you.

We’re talking about respecting people’s privacy and needs and sometimes a simple “No” followed by “That isn’t going to work for me” or “I don’t feel comfortable sharing that at the moment” is all that’s needed. The hardest thing is putting it into practice, but practice is exactly what’s needed for you to start being in charge of your life again.

Creating distance is a huge part of this too – try to create some space physically as well as emotionally, to gain perspective on what’s going on. This might mean taking a weekend away or going to a weekly yoga, meditation or pilates session – anything to help you take a step back as things might look very different then and you’ll be able to recognise what’s happening.

Make use of your support system, talking to friends or family and telling them how you feel – but of course, not confiding in the person or people who are trying to manipulate you. You may find that whoever you confide in has already noticed some red flags where your relationship or friendships are concerned and will be able to give their honest opinion and help you recognise what’s going on.

Knowing when something’s over, whether that’s your relationship with a partner or your family or within a friendship, is the key to making changes, along with listening to your inner voice and no longer suppressing your instincts and feelings.

If you recognise from the above that you’re being manipulated, I hope that this blog has helped you along the journey of disentangling yourself and learning to live in a new way without the fear of always doing something ‘wrong’.

How Hard Is It To Change Your Behaviour?

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Any counsellor and psychotherapist will tell you that you can only change your behaviour if you really want to – it can be done, but it often takes hard work.

However, don’t despair, because if you’ve decided that you really want to change, starting with some small steps can make a big difference. There are often some common patterns that can hold you back though – here are some of them; take a look and see if they resonate with you and, if so, what you can do about them.

One of the first, and most compelling, is negative self-talk; to make some real changes, start believing in yourself and replace self-criticism with some positive affirmations like “I can do this if I put my mind to it”. Believing in yourself is really important.
Fear of failure is also something that will hold you back, even if you’re determined to change. It can hold you back in a big way but try to recognise that in order to grow, you’ll inevitably make mistakes but these are natural and are part of your development.
Procrastination is a big one too and can really hold us back when we’re trying to change. Try to prioritise your tasks and aim to be consistent, setting small goals along the way so that you’re often achieving some progress even if it’s not as quick as we’d like!
Don’t compare yourself to other people – nothing’s more demoralising than constantly making comparisons. If you’re doing this, try to avoid social media for a while – instead, focus on yourself and your personal growth.
Trying to please other people and a desire to make them happy or do what they expect of you means that you can often neglect your own needs. Thinking about yourself isn’t selfish, even if that’s a message that you took from childhood, but it’s essential if you want to change and prioritise yourself at times.
Lastly, try to set more boundaries with friends, family and colleagues – the hardest thingabout change is that other people in your life may not like it. They say things like “you never used to react like that” and “why have you changed? You were always so easy-going” – these comments make it harder to change and we default back to our old ways. Of course people in your life preferred it when you fell in with their ideas and needs and they won’t always want you to change but for your own long-term happiness, it can be a life-changer, so give it a go.

Same But Different.

Blogging my way through change.

Category Archives: Uncategorised

Ever Been ‘Dumped’ By One Of Your Friends?

Ever Feel That Other People Are In Charge Of Your Life?