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Trying To Deal With Problems In Your Family?

Family problems are never easy to deal with unless you’ve hardened yourself against your nearest and dearest (and maybe they’re not that near or dear even though they’re family!).

It’s easy to say “I’ll never speak to them again” in the heat of the moment but the consequences of that can impact on the rest of your family and ultimately you too because even if you feel betrayed or very hurt by a sibling or parent, there will almost certainly be things that you will miss too.

We expect our loved ones to know what we need or want, especially when a shared history and family dynamics are at play. We sometimes assume they know what we’re going through without our having to explicitly share. However, these assumptions are sometimes wrong and don’t lead to healthy communication.

A lot depends on how much you want to reconcile and how long the situation has been going on. Sometimes, in an emergency like a parent becoming very ill, things have to be said and done to try to mend a rift, if only on a temporary basis. But if you’ve had an argument with someone in your family and miss them but feel they won’t reconcile, the only thing to do is reach out to them. If you wait for them to do that, it might never happen.

People get scared that all the old problems will be rehashed and wonder if they can just move on without the need to analyse and talk about it. Of course, life moves on anyway whether we like it or not but in this particular case, the longer things go on, the harder it can be to heal.

It is possible to have a fresh start though, especially if you approach it with care. A break in a relationship can be a time to re-evaluate what’s happened and acknowledge your own part in it. It’s good to reflection how the other person or people have dealt with the hurt too. There’s no guarantee that an approach on your part will work but if you decide to go for it, ask yourself why you want to reconcile. Is there pressure from other family members and has something changed that makes you think that things might be better now?

If you want to go ahead, ask yourself how you want your relationship to change and what your expectations are. Think about what you want to say and how you might say it. The other person might want to talk about but you might not. Some sort of compromise has to be reached and boundaries need to be put down too. If they’ve agreed to meet up, try to broach the subject of how you’ll discuss it. For instance, no interrupting and no monologues from either of you. If you’re the one who doesn’t want to discuss things, remember that they have needs too and some discussion might be needed to resolve at least some of the issues.

If they’ve agreed to meet, if shows a willingness to find a resolution even though some people just want to prove that they were right all along! Make sure that you’re heard, make a few notes beforehand if it helps and, most of all, realise that both of you will probably need to make some changes in the way you deal with things. Every family has ways of dealing with issues, ranging from sweeping them under the carpet to out and out shouting matches. If you’ve grown up in either of those households, you won’t have established a way of resolving issues but now’s your chance to change that and move forward more peaceably to a calmer future.

Is It Ever OK To Look Through Your Partner’s Phone?

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How tempting is it to take a look at your partner’s phone?! I’d say a lot of us might take a peek if we thought we’d get away with it but some/a lot of you might disagree? What about their right to privacy? Well, as with so many things, it depends…….

Of course it’s a violation of their privacy but that line can become blurred when you have an intimate relationship with someone. Most people (not all, I know) tell a few little white lies to avoid conflict.

Some of it can be curiosity because when you see them looking at their phone you wonder, naturally, who they’re texting and if the answer isn’t particularly forthcoming, it can be irritating at best and send out alarm bells. But if you’re just a curious person and your partner knows that, they might be fine with you having a look and then you can laugh about it together.

But sometimes the desire to look at their phone is a sign of deeper issues in the relationship and if you’re looking for something amiss, you’ll probably find it, if only because texts can be misleading in their purpose and intentions.

However, if your partner has already cheated on you, it makes sense to have an agreement of complete transparency from then on if you’re going to continue together. This has to be mutually agreed but is one way of repairing the harm done. I have to add right here that if someone’s determined to cheat, they can always get another phone to text their lover but we won’t go down that road right now!

Checking their phone can be tied to issues around communication or intimacy because if problems are left in the air rather than being discussed, suspicions can mount. Sometimes it can be easier to check their phone rather than telling them how vulnerable you feel and why you feel the need to look at their phone. But although it can seem justified, it often creates more problems than it resolves.

Even if your partner hasn’t given you any reason to doubt them, you might feel insecure anyway, particularly if you’ve dated or lived with someone who cheated in the past. The betrayal will usually have stayed with you for a long time afterwards. Subconsciously, you may feel that a new partner will betray you or that they’re not really committed to you. This may not be the case at all, particularly if there’s no real evidence to suggest this. If you don’t trust what they are telling you, in effect you’re doubting who they are and wondering whether the person they really are is reflected in the contents of their phone.

If you’re looking at their phone without their knowledge, it’s sustaining secrecy in your relationship. So, generally it’s not alright, particularly as you might find something that’s innocent but blow it up into something big. Or, instead, you might find something suggesting or even confirming that they were doing something you wouldn’t like (not necessarily having an affair but maybe doing business deals that you didn’t know about or buying things that you weren’t aware of). Of course, you’re going to be upset and it’s then become a self-fulfilling prophecy as well as being a bad way of finding out (is there ever a ‘good way’? Probably not!!).

In the end, there are no guarantees in any relationship, but going through someone’s phone shows that there’s a breakdown in communication. If you want to remedy that, ideally there needs to be an agreement that either you can both go through each other’s phones or that each of you needs some privacy even in your relationship, including keeping the contents of your phone to yourself.

When you feel threatened by your partner’s independence it’s not a healthy situation. If you have a relationship built on trust, it gives both of you room to connect with friends, family and colleagues.

Let me know what you think and whether you’ve found this blog interesting, useful or otherwise. You can see my blogs as soon as they are published (usually on Wednesdays) by pressing the ‘follow’ button and you can share them with your friends. You can also find me on Linked In, Instagram (samebutdifferent) and read my FB posts at Same But Different.#samebutdifferent #relationships # issues #bloggerforever #lovewriting #livingchange #makeitcount #canidothis #canyoudothis #ukblogger #femaleblogger #irishblogger

Are You Dealing With A Manipulator?

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It’s easy to think of someone who’s a master/mistress of manipulation as a hideous figure who sits there with arms folded, looking forbidding. If only it was that! It’s rarely that easy to spot a manipulator – think more of a wolf in sheep’s clothing where you can think that someone is harmless, rather than calculating and furtive.

Do you suspect that this is happening to you and that someone you know is gradually gaining control of you or someone close to you? So what should you look out for?

Someone who is very charismatic and excessively nice; there are people who do have those characteristics and are genuine, but nevertheless, be aware that not everyone falls into that category.
They will do almost anything to get you to trust them, including confiding in you so that you feel ‘special’.
They play the victim to try to get their own way.
They’re often passive-aggressive, saying one thing and meaning or doing another.
They use the silent treatment against you if you question them.

So if you recognise some or all of the above, what can you do? Well, it’s not easy but recognising what’s happening is a good start (even though it’s hard if you really like someone).Then – try taking a step back, in a literal sense as well as emotionally. This is because manipulators often attempt to pat you on the shoulder or back, using the physical proximity as well as cajoling you to pressurise you into doing what they want.

Try to stay emotionally neutral by not reacting in an emotional way. By staying calm and responding to criticism (there’s almost always criticism!), you minimise them playing on your vulnerability. So responding with sentences like “I disagree with what you’re saying about me so I’m leaving it there” and refuse to enter further discussion on that particular subject.

Tell them that you no longer respond to calls and texts are 9p.m. and before 9a.m. each day. There’s no need to give a long explanation, just say that it works better for you.

Look them in the eye – it can be very intense but is often a tactic used by manipulators. You may have to practice this but it will be worth it.

If they say that you ‘always’ do a particular thing (usually something that they don’t like!), ask them for examples of other times that it’s happened. Unless they can cite six other examples, ‘always’ isn’t true and you can tell them this.

They often know how to push your buttons, but you do have the power to say “I’m not going to do this and you have to accept it” and then keep to that.

Lastly, but perhaps most importantly, don’t let yourself become isolated. A manipulator will try to get you to withdraw from your family or other friends. Instead of withdrawing, start spending more time those people who are usually close to you – it will help you to break free from a manipulator’s grip over you.

It won’t be easy, but keep trying the above and you will be able to live your life freely without fear of upsetting someone who wants to manipulate you.

Hopefully you’ve found this blog interesting – let me know your thoughts on it. You can see my blogs as soon as they are published (usually on Wednesdays) by pressing the ‘follow’ button and you can share them with your friends. You can also find me on LinkedIn, Instagram (samebutdifferent) and read my FB posts every week at Same But Different #samebutdifferent #relationships # issues #bloggerforever #lovewriting #livingchange #makeitcount #canidothis #canyoudothis #ukblogger #femaleblogger #irishblogger

Ever Been ‘Dumped’ By One Of Your Friends?

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I was talking about this with some of my friends last night (following which, I hope that none of them will ‘dump’ me!). The subject of holidays came up and one person said that they’d had a great holiday with a friend, but on the last day that person had ignored her and refused to take any calls from her since. Another friend then said that she’d had a similar thing happen to her – someone she thought she was close to had suddenly stopped talking to her for no apparent reason.

We all agreed how painful this is and how we tend to blame ourselves, questioning ‘what did I do wrong?’ and scrutinising every little thing we’d said and done in previous weeks or months. It’s not surprising that it hurts so much though – we choose our friends, whereas with family, we don’t and because we’ve made that choice, it can feel more catastrophic if it comes to an end.

Trying to make sense of being dumped is hard – sometimes it happens because of different life choices, where life takes you in different directions. Careers, babies and the geography of one or both of you moving to different towns, areas or even countries. The worst part of it is not knowing why or how it’s happened, or maybe you have a slight inkling and have tried to make things better by texting, phoning or even calling round. But ultimately, if your friend no longer wants to be in your life, you can’t make them.

It’s easier than ever before to break up – for a start, there’s telling someone by text that you no longer want to see them or just blocking their calls. No explanation needed. The end. Well, the end for them, but not for you. If you do get an explanation, it might well be that whatever happened is the last straw but you had no idea until that time. Also, sometimes things happen in friendship that we tend to push to one side, not really addressing them until it’s too late.

Basically, it’s a huge loss and the grief you feel if it’s happened to you is really painful. Facing up to the fact that that person doesn’t want to see or speak to you again is a really hard pill to swallow.

If this has happened to you, take comfort from the fact that if you’ve tried your absolute best to put things right again, you can’t actually do any more. From then on, don’t let the experience put you off being the best friend that you can be to the others in your life. Keep your focus on them, cherish them and resolve to never behave like this towards someone else.

Don’t descend into loathing yourself – it’s entirely possible that it’s not actually down to you, even though it feels like it. Years down the line you may find that it had very little to do with you but a lot to do with what was going on in their lives at the time. Even if that doesn’t happen, focus on trying to accept what’s happened and be honest with yourself about why you were friendly with that person. Was it really all on their terms and what did you get from the friendship? Sometimes, long-term friendships become untenable and although people can and do grow together (like a good marriage), sometimes they don’t. Try to look at the bigger picture and see how you can use this experience to ensure that you talk to any other friends as soon as any niggles arise.

Don’t bottle up your feelings but talk to a therapist if you’re really struggling – as I often say, talking about it can really help!

If you’ve found yourself in the position of being dumped by a close friend, I hope that this blog has helped you to understand your own feelings and perhaps some of theirs too – let me know your thoughts on it.

You can see my blogs as soon as they are published (usually on Wednesdays) by pressing the ‘follow’ button and you can share them with your friends. You can also find me on LinkedIn, Instagram (samebutdifferent) and read my FB posts every week at Same But Different #samebutdifferent #relationships # issues #bloggerforever #lovewriting #livingchange #makeitcount #canidothis #canyoudothis #ukblogger #femaleblogger #irishblogger

What Exactly Are Attachment Issues?

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You’ve probably heard the phrase before and maybe someone’s even suggested that you might have attachment issues yourself, but what exactly does it mean?

Well, attachment is the deep emotional connection formed in the first instance between a child and the person providing their care; the quality of this connection is critical in the emotional development of children. If it’s a secure bond, or attachment, it’s the basis for resilience and positive relationships as these children grow into adults; however, if it isn’t secure – for instance, the caregiver, perhaps through no fault of their own, can’t provide reliable, and also consistent, care this can affect the mental health and future relationships as the children move into adulthood. If a child has many changing caregivers, or they’re insensitive, the child is neglected or they experience trauma, all these factors affect the attachment bond.

As adults, people with insecure attachment issues often find difficulty in forming emotional or physical bonds with other people, maintaining boundaries is hard and they can experience anxiety, mood changes and intense reactions to changes, particularly in their routines, and sometimes engage in high-risk behaviours like substance abuse.

If you, or someone close to you, is experiencing these issues, be reassured that there is help available and therapy is an important part of recovery.

Talking therapy involving one-to-one counselling or as a family can help to address attachment issues, making sense of all the different feelings and addressing the challenges involved; it’s about finding coping strategies to deal with all the different feelings that surface. Starting to understand how past experiences in childhood can have a drastic effect on present relationships is the start of the therapeutic process. In other words, to deal with it, you need to acknowledge it.

It’s also important to realise that people with attachment issues haven’t always had the opportunity to nurture good habits of self-care so remembering to eat nutritiously, exercise regularly and learn self-soothing skills is important.

There is also a lot of online help for attachment issues so these are worth reading through as well. If you feel that you’ve been affected by some of the issues I’ve written about, give yourself a chance to read more and seek therapeutic help if you feel you need more support. It’s important to feel that you can make changes, even if your childhood was lacking in ideal nurturing relationships.