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Ever Feel That Other People Are In Charge Of Your Life?

It’s not always easy to tell if you’re being manipulated by other people, whether it’s a family member, your partner or a friend and it’s even more difficult to acknowledge that this is happening. There are all different ways that people can manipulate you, some of them quite sneaky, but if you’re feeling bad about a lot of the decisions you make or feel consistently tired and anxious, it might well be because you feel other people are in charge of your life.

In some cases it can be fairly harmless like someone pretending to cry so that they get their own way, but at other times, this sort of manipulation can end up with you feeling very low and doubting yourself. This is because if someone else is manipulating you, it’s a form of control and although you may have certain ideas and feelings about something, the other person will try to pressurise you into changing your mind and feeling the same as them.

Using guilt is one way of emotionally manipulating someone, saying things like “you wouldn’t go out with your friends so much if you really loved me” or “you’d provide a better home for us if you really cared”. These sort of comments are very hard to deal with and can eat away at our self-confidence.

Bullying is another example of this, for instance where you’re called names or asked questions along the lines of “what on earth made decide to wear that? It’s not the best choice for this occasion” or “Don’t be stupid. We can’t do that”. In other words, things that can drag you down.

Constant criticism is another form of manipulation and bullying – if someone rarely praises you and always finds fault, it is easy to start doubting the decisions that you make.

Someone who’s passive-aggressive can be harder to spot – who hasn’t known people who say things like “I’m not going to make any decisions today – you decide where we’ll go and what we’ll do” and then, an hour later starts moaning about the journey, activity or something else that you’ve chosen. Even worse, they sulk about it and you find yourself trying to work out what’s wrong but they refuse to tell you!

Gaslighting is something I’ve written about before and it’s very insidious; if you’re constantly being told that you’re stupid, crazy or imagining things, it’s easy to start doubting what you’re doing.

Freezing someone out or giving them the cold shoulder is a very common manipulation – this, along with refusing to show affection, are difficult to deal with and it’s a strong person who decides to let the other person get on with that and do their own thing instead.

Someone showering you with gifts, compliments and affection can also be a way of manipulating someone because once that’s been established, the giver feels that they have more control over the recipient, who often feels grateful and doesn’t want to refuse any requests made of them.

If someone plays ‘the hero’ in a relationship or friendship, they often start saying things like “you only have all these things because of me” or “you only got that job because of my influence”. Again, you are supposed to feel grateful to them for being your ‘saviour’.

So what can you do to stop this continuing and protect yourself against this sort of manipulation and control?

The first thing is to recognise what’s happening and after that, you can start to put down boundaries, rather than being a people-pleaser. One important part of this is that boundaries don’t need to be justified or defended by you.

We’re talking about respecting people’s privacy and needs and sometimes a simple “No” followed by “That isn’t going to work for me” or “I don’t feel comfortable sharing that at the moment” is all that’s needed. The hardest thing is putting it into practice, but practice is exactly what’s needed for you to start being in charge of your life again.

Creating distance is a huge part of this too – try to create some space physically as well as emotionally, to gain perspective on what’s going on. This might mean taking a weekend away or going to a weekly yoga, meditation or pilates session – anything to help you take a step back as things might look very different then and you’ll be able to recognise what’s happening.

Make use of your support system, talking to friends or family and telling them how you feel – but of course, not confiding in the person or people who are trying to manipulate you. You may find that whoever you confide in has already noticed some red flags where your relationship or friendships are concerned and will be able to give their honest opinion and help you recognise what’s going on.

Knowing when something’s over, whether that’s your relationship with a partner or your family or within a friendship, is the key to making changes, along with listening to your inner voice and no longer suppressing your instincts and feelings.

If you recognise from the above that you’re being manipulated, I hope that this blog has helped you along the journey of disentangling yourself and learning to live in a new way without the fear of always doing something ‘wrong’.

Hopefully you’ve found this blog interesting – let me know your thoughts on it. You can see my blogs as soon as they are published (usually on Wednesdays) by pressing the ‘follow’ button and you can share them with your friends. You can also find me on LinkedIn, Instagram (samebutdifferent) and read my FB posts every week at Same But Different #samebutdifferent #relationships # issues #bloggerforever #lovewriting #livingchange #makeitcount #canidothis #canyoudothis #ukblogger #femaleblogger

How Hard Is It To Change Your Behaviour?

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Any counsellor and psychotherapist will tell you that you can only change your behaviour if you really want to – it can be done, but it often takes hard work.

However, don’t despair, because if you’ve decided that you really want to change, starting with some small steps can make a big difference. There are often some common patterns that can hold you back though – here are some of them; take a look and see if they resonate with you and, if so, what you can do about them.

One of the first, and most compelling, is negative self-talk; to make some real changes, start believing in yourself and replace self-criticism with some positive affirmations like “I can do this if I put my mind to it”. Believing in yourself is really important.
Fear of failure is also something that will hold you back, even if you’re determined to change. It can hold you back in a big way but try to recognise that in order to grow, you’ll inevitably make mistakes but these are natural and are part of your development.
Procrastination is a big one too and can really hold us back when we’re trying to change. Try to prioritise your tasks and aim to be consistent, setting small goals along the way so that you’re often achieving some progress even if it’s not as quick as we’d like!
Don’t compare yourself to other people – nothing’s more demoralising than constantly making comparisons. If you’re doing this, try to avoid social media for a while – instead, focus on yourself and your personal growth.
Trying to please other people and a desire to make them happy or do what they expect of you means that you can often neglect your own needs. Thinking about yourself isn’t selfish, even if that’s a message that you took from childhood, but it’s essential if you want to change and prioritise yourself at times.
Lastly, try to set more boundaries with friends, family and colleagues – the hardest thingabout change is that other people in your life may not like it. They say things like “you never used to react like that” and “why have you changed? You were always so easy-going” – these comments make it harder to change and we default back to our old ways. Of course people in your life preferred it when you fell in with their ideas and needs and they won’t always want you to change but for your own long-term happiness, it can be a life-changer, so give it a go.

Are You Sabotaging Your Relationship Without Realising?

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Some of you will describe your partner as your ‘best friend’ and then others might say they’re on the verge of leaving their partner; in between those two extremes are all the couples who have everyday niggles about one another but mostly get along fine, with occasional arguments.

But relationships are affected by things that can seem quite small but can grow bigger very quickly. In other words, they’re fragile and some times more than others. Most relationships go through different stages and, ideally, people change together but not always because we don’t always know how change will affect us until it happens.

There are things that can really take their toll though and it’s important to realise what they are and try to avoid them. Read on…..

Neglecting your partner’s needs – no relationship is going to be successful if you only think and care about what you want. There often needs to be compromise along with lots of talking. Putting your own needs first will never result in a healthy relationship and of course the same applies if your partner is the self-centred one.
Being disrespectful towards one another – if this happens, it can eventually destroy your relationship. If you’re annoyed with your partner, it’s all too easy to become disrespectful and although you might apologise later, it can cause a gulf between you.
Try not to take your partner for granted – however happy you are, things can become stale if you don’t even see their good qualities any longer. It’s important to keep showing your love and appreciation.
Don’t focus on the negatives – maybe they didn’t take out the rubbish, mow the lawn or buy the breakfast cereal you like but they might have done all the washing or got the car serviced which are things that contribute to your mutual life together. Try to remember that before you criticise what they haven’t done.
Holding a grudge is a big ‘no no’ in relationships. Forgiveness is paramount and people make mistakes. If you can’t let things go, not just in your relationship, but with friends and family, you’ll never be truly happy.
Constantly doubting your partner means that your relationship can never truly thrive because trust is paramount and one of the most critical parts of healthy relationships. If it’s missing, it means that your partner constantly has to justify themselves, which is no way to live.
In the same way, being very possessive can make your partner feel suffocated. The tighter you hold them, the more they’ll want to get free. Try to work on your own self-esteem and issues to help you with possessiveness. If your partner has betrayed your trust in the past, it will be hard to regain but seeing a couples therapist will help the process if that’s what you both want.
When you’re with your family and friends, it might be easy to poke fun at your partner in front of them and it might well be just humour. But being in a relationship doesn’t give you the right to bring them down in front of people, mock their interests or habits. In the long run it can affect someone’s emotional stability and confidence so better to rein yourself in even if you don’t get as many laughs!
Lastly, making time for each other is important too. It’s often tempting to stay on at work, go out with friends or pursue your other interests, but all relationships need attention, with the other person feeling special and loved, just as you like to yourself.

Feeling Lonely Doesn’t Mean There’s Something Wrong With You

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I’ve used this heading because loneliness can sometimes make you feel like some sort of outcast as well as destroying your self-esteem. Maybe you’ve always felt lonely or perhaps you used to be outgoing with lots of friends but found that somehow that changed over the years.

But, loneliness can happen to anyone, not just people who are shy; there are lots of reasons why we can feel lonely and these are often related to trauma or loss, discrimination, financial problems, chronic health conditions, depression or life changes. It can take an enormous emotional toll and it’s more than just sadness. As anyone who’s experienced loneliness knows, it can cause you to feel negatively about who you are as well as affecting your concentration and problem-solving abilities because you lose confidence in your decisions.

So, if you recognise these feelings, along with suffering sleep disturbances and feeling anxious, what can you do about it?

First of all, it’s important to acknowledge what you’re feeling. Actually naming it is important when trying to cope with loneliness because you can’t find a solution if you don’t acknowledge what you’re dealing with.

Then try to meet more people; this can be nerve-wracking at first, but take tiny steps to reconnect with old friends and family (as long as you get on well with them!) as well as trying every couple of weeks to make a new connection, perhaps inviting someone for a coffee or suggesting a visit to the cinema. A lot of people don’t thrive in large groups so connecting on a smaller scale will be more helpful. I know that this is hard and there might be a few knockbacks, but changing things is always hard. The more you do it, the easier it will become.

All of this takes time so be patient; it may take a while to feel even slightly comfortable but don’t rush and seek healthy relationships where you put down some boundaries from the start.

After that, make use of some time alone. You can use it as a springboard to taking back control over what you’re feeling so take up a new interest and set yourself achievable goals. As I’ve said before, it’s no use setting goals that are too high and unachievable as you’ll end up feeling defeated and even worse than before. Most importantly, value the activity/interest that you choose.

Often, the deepest connections we make come from people who understand what we’re going through. Most of us gravitate towards others with the same opinions and views on life. There are online support groups that will help you build relationships and to share experiences. Don’t depend on these entirely for support, but you will hopefully find that they can be another tool to help with your feelings of loneliness.

Along the way, make sure you eat well, get enough sleep, exercise as well as have some time relaxing. Writing a journal is almost always helpful – writing out what you’re feeling can make such a difference, even though you might have to push yourself to do this at times.

Lastly, consider working with a counsellor or look at cognitive behaviour therapy (CBT) online – this will challenge any negative thinking and redirect your emotions and thoughts more constructively. There are some online resources providing this and CBT can be very helpful for working with loneliness.

Hopefully you’ve enjoyed reading this blog and, if so, you can see my blogs as soon as they are published (usually on Wednesdays) by pressing the ‘follow’ button and you can share them with your friends. You can also find me on LinkedIn, Instagram (samebutdifferent) and read my FB posts every week at Same But Different #samebutdifferent #relationships # issues #bloggerforever #lovewriting #livingchange #makeitcount #canidothis #canyoudothis #ukblogger #femaleblogger

Having Difficulties With Your Family?

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When I say your family, I mean either your parents, siblings or other relatives – maybe all of them! Especially after a prolonged holiday period like Christmas and New Year, chasms can appear in family relationships that didn’t see so obvious before.

Some families are very close, meeting up as much as possible and spending time like Christmas together. However, the other side of that coin is that others don’t see their families, talk to them or contact them on birthdays and anniversaries.
There can be many different reasons for this, sometimes involving childhood grievances, or arguments in adulthood resulting in distance and non-communication. Sometimes this happens after a parent died – he or she might have been the person who provided the ‘glue’ that kept the family together and once they’re no longer there, things fall apart. Support fo one another wanes and they feel like strangers to one another.
For some, they can cope with this, saying that everyone’s busy or that they have very different ideas about life in general – their politics, way of life, values and principles – and they accept that people are busy and, despite growing up together, they have little in common. There are so many ways that people can become estranged that it’s surprising that it doesn’t happen more often!

For others, it’s like an ongoing wound – they find it difficult to come to terms with the feeling of abandonment and hurt. When seeing clients, I came to realise that some families are very good at dealing with conflict – they discuss things, compromise and try to see things from each other’s points of views. With others, they’ve grown up in an atmosphere where arguments and conflict were never really resolved which means they haven’t picked up ways of dealing with different points of view without shouting and storming off!

If you’re someone who honestly wants to reconcile with your family, how can you go about it?

Forgiveness is a good start. This isn’t easy and you have to be sure that you’re ready for it – there’s always the chance of rejection and few of us want to put ourselves in that position. So, before you pick up the phone to take the first step, make sure you know what you want to say and acknowledge to yourself any part that you might have played in the situation.
If you manage to talk to your parents or siblings, take tiny steps. Don’t launch straight into what went wrong and start accusing them. Try general things, ask how they are and don’t react defensively if they seem aggressive.
Be patient – it took time to get to this stage and it will take time to recover.
However long the estrangement, people’s lives will have changed, whether it’s been weeks, months or years. Allow for that – they might have become more entrenched in their attitudes and, for that matter, so might you!
Keep reminding yourself what you want to achieve – communication and eventually meeting up might be the most to expect at this point.
Listen to what they have to say – you might not agree with them, but let them finish. Their feelings are important but if they shout, make it clear that you won’t tolerate that. You could say something along the lines of “I can see this has upset you and that isn’t what I wanted. None of it is easy, but I’ll ring again soon when we’ve both calmed down”.
If you say you’ll ring or write again in a few weeks, make sure that you do so – being consistent and reliable is vital.

These aren’t foolproof ways of mending bridges but they’ll almost certainly help if you want to work towards getting on better terms with one another again.

Same But Different.

Blogging my way through change.

Category Archives: Uncategorised

Ever Feel That Other People Are In Charge Of Your Life?

Are You Sabotaging Your Relationship Without Realising?