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Ever Feel That Your Relationship Is Off Balance?

We all know that relationships need some mutual give and take with each person showing an interest in one another’s interests and goals whilst showing care for the other one.

But if your relationship is off-balance it lacks this mutual give and take, with one of you doing most or all of the giving but getting little in return. With couples, when both of them are getting at least 90% of their needs met in their relationship, they’re usually happy. Even with only 70% of their needs met, most people will stay put and keep trying to improve things but once a person is getting less than 50% of their needs met, they’ll usually think of splitting from their partner. The exception to this is if one of them has a serious illness – that changes the dynamics completely and most people caring for a sick partner will recognise that, at least for the time-being, a lot of their needs can’t be met.

So, what are the signs that your relationship is off-balance?

You put in a lot of effort for your partner but they don’t do the same for you.
You often feel that you’re putting more into your relationship than you’re getting out of it.
You feel as if you need to take care of your partner.
You always try to fix things before they become a problem, to save your partner doing things.
You often feel unappreciated.
You’re very reluctant to ask for anything for yourself.
Your partner doesn’t seem very interested in you or what you’re doing.
You often feel resentful.

All of the above mean that your own needs aren’t being met. So what can you do to improve things?

Start by prioritising your own emotional needs – that means showing yourself the same care that you show to other people, not just your partner.

Try having a conversation about it – you may well be scared of their reaction but don’t assume that they already know what you need. It needs to be made very clear for some people.

Start setting clearer boundaries with your partner so that you both know what to expect. If your partner is annoyed about this, try to stick to what you’ve decided or you’ll be back where you started.

If you’ve asked your partner for help and support many times before, you need to either accept that you won’t get what you need or think seriously about leaving the relationship.

Lastly, it’s important to remember that we all deserve relationships that are mutually caring and supportive.

Hopefully you’ve enjoyed reading this blog and, if so, you can see my blogs as soon as they are published (usually on Wednesdays) by pressing the ‘follow’ button and you can share them with your friends. You can also find me on LinkedIn, Instagram (samebutdifferent) and read my FB posts every week at Same But Different #samebutdifferent #relationships # issues #bloggerforever #lovewriting #livingchange #makeitcount #canidothis #canyoudothis #ukblogger #femaleblogger

Feeling That You’ve Outgrown Your Relationship?

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Reading the title of this blog it may sound harsh but if you’re in a long-term relationship, you’ll know that there are ups and downs over the years. Hard though it is to think like this, some relationships are forever and a lot are ‘for now’ or for ‘some time ahead’. Sounds cynical? Maybe, that’s often the reality.

But how do you know if and when you’ve outgrown your relationship? Maybe something drastic has happened to change it, but quite often partners change at a different pace even though at the beginning of our relationships it seemed impossible.

When you’ve worked hard to keep things going but your partner doesn’t want to change (or finds it too difficult), you can end up feeling resentful and angry. Sound familiar? If one of you has changed in how you live your life, how you view your career or there’s been a long-term health problem, you might be very different people from the ones who met years ago.

Another sign that you’ve outgrown the other person can be that you feel embarrassed and awkward if you’re out together. Our partners are often a reflection of who we are and if they’re still stuck at how they used to be, it can feel as if they’re holding us back when we want to move forward. If you’re constantly having to ask them to make changes or you liked the fact that they were relaxed about life but now it irks you and you’re always pushing for something different, it’s time to think about it all seriously

You might have found that as you’ve developed new interests, had different conversations with other people and realise that your beliefs are different it can lead to you looking for someone who shares your values and interests. It’s easy to be drawn to a new person who seems exciting and different from your current partner.

So, what’s the answer (if there is one – not easy!). First of all, talk about it and then talk some more; tell each other how you’d like things to be and how you can help each other to get there. Then, set a realistic timeframe to look at things again. By that time, you might both have come to the realisation that it’s not working and it’s unlikely to change. When you’ve given it your best efforts, it may be time to break up, but that’s rarely an easy path to take……..

Hopefully you’ve enjoyed reading this blog and, if so, you can see my blogs as soon as they are published (usually on Wednesdays) by pressing the ‘follow’ button and you can share them with your friends. You can also find me on LinkedIn, Instagram (samebutdifferent) and read my FB posts at Same But Different. #loss #depression #mentalhealth #anger #melancholy

Could Your Breakup Be Your Shakeup?

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Most of us have had a romantic breakup in our lives and it’s often absolutely devastating but if one or both of you have decided that your relationship has run its course, then you may have to eventually accept that even if you don’t want to.

I’ve written about some aspects of this before – see my blog ‘Can You Still Be Friends With Your Ex?’ posted on 13 July where I write about how you can stay friendly as long as certain boundaries are kept. If you read that blog you’ll remember that even though you will almost certainly miss them, you’ll both need time and space to deal with all the difficult emotions.

If, after some time, you want to try to be friends, try not to fall into old patterns and habits. To maintain a friendship, you have to behave like friends so that will mean not doing things that you used to do when you were a couple. If you find yourself thinking “It’s like we never broke up”, it’s probably best to get back to maintaining a distance again.

Better still, avoid using social media so much – taking some time away from it can be very helpful and will mean that you won’t end up looking at photos of ‘perfect couples’ as well as those of your ex, possibly with someone new. Try not to announce your breakup on social media and even though you might want to share the fact that your ex lied and cheated or did something else hurtful, it’s best not to go down that road.

So, if you’ve sorted that out in your mind, is this the time to do things differently, thinking about you and what you want. Even if you have children or other responsibilities, there are often things that you can do to put yourself first sometimes. In other words, the breakup can shake things up and often for the better!

You can use this time to create a regular self-care routine so that each day you do something that brings you some happiness. This can be seeing friends even though that can be hard – if you were used to having someone to come home to after an evening out, it’s difficult not to dwell on that, especially if it was often a happy experience. But, you can do it and it will get easier with time (you may not believe this but give it a try anyway!). Spend some time on a hobby that you may have neglected and start exercising. If meditation’s more your thing, try to find some meditation on YouTube or download an app. to encourage you along the way.

This is the time to open up your curtains and let in the light, burn a scented candle as well as having a shower using all your favourite products.

Even though it’s hard to sleep well after a breakup, try to relax before bed and resist looking at your phone for the hour before you put the light out. Then there’s comfort eating – who hasn’t resorted to carb-filled food when feeling really down? It’s tempting to get through the evenings with a glass or two of wine to help you forget what’s happened too. Consider saving these for special times or just once a week.

There’s going to be a lot of sadness, confusion and loneliness as well as anger and grief in equal doses after a breakup but if you can write down your feelings, even illustrate them, you’ll find that it will help. Talking to someone you trust can be very comforting as well.

It won’t be easy and shaking things up will take time but one day, you will hopefully find that you like your new life and every minute of each day will no longer be filled with thoughts of your ex and the life you once shared.

Hopefully you’ve enjoyed reading this blog and, if so, you can see my blogs as soon as they are published (usually on Wednesdays) by pressing the ‘follow’ button and you can share them with your friends. You can also find me on LinkedIn, Instagram (samebutdifferent) and read my FB posts at Same But Different. #loss #depression #mentalhealth #anger #melancholy

Trying To Deal With Difficult People?

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Make no mistake, interacting with difficult people can take its toll on most of us and if any of your family members, friends or colleagues have what I’ll call high-conflict personalities you’ll know exactly what I mean!

There are lots of reasons why some people have these sort of personalities – some are deep-seated personality characteristics, maybe from trauma in their earlier lives, but there can be many other reasons and also an element of people recognising early on that being in a mood, flying into a temper or sulking gets them what they want.

As with so many issues, there are three different ways of dealing with this – either you carry on putting up with unreasonable behaviour (along the lines of “if you do what you’ve always done, you’ll get what you’ve always got”), leave the situation which isn’t always easy, particularly if family is involved, or the option I prefer – dealing with the situation in a different way. Or, in a nutshell – same, leave, change.

If you’ve decided to carry on carrying on, fair enough and, let’s face it, a lot of us feel we have limited choices regarding leaving whether it’s in your workplace where you’re dealing with a difficult colleague or manager or in your family where you don’t want to ‘leave’ as it’s too drastic and you don’t want to lose contact with people you love.

So, first of all you have to work out what changes you want to make and then assess how emotionally mature the person you find difficult is – do they have the necessary characteristics to take responsibility for their actions? Are they emotionally mature? You have to take this into account before attempting any changes which will have to come from you – other people don’t necessarily want to change, but think about it like a game of dominoes where one domino has a slight push and it will activate a chain reaction and cause a shift in other peoples’ related behaviours.

So, how to make changes that will ultimately make a difference – by ‘ultimately’ I’m saying that this won’t happen overnight. Most people are resistant to change and will say things like “What’s wrong with you? You’ve always been okay with this before”.

The first thing is to put down boundaries – if someone’s taking advantage of you and have done so for a long time, they’ll almost certainly be surprised and annoyed if you choose not to do something that you’ve previously gone along with. You could start with putting a time limit on phone calls, not responding to text messages immediately and not replying to e.mails that add a lot of emotional pressure.

Stay calm if the other person starts to get agitated – they will want to tell their story so, if there’s time, let them do that (and trust me, their story will be more important than yours! I speak from personal experience….) and then respond with brief responses if they become hostile. Try not to be emotionally threatening – it won’t help; instead, try to show them some empathy where you can.

However, it’s important not to agree or volunteer for anything in order to fix it. That’s not your job. If you have to distance yourself slightly, do so.

After that, if your sister-in-law asks you to look after her children for the umpteenth time, and for whatever reason, you’re finding it too much, think of a way that you can gently tell her that you can’t do it. (Maybe along the lines of “I’d like to be able to help, but I’m already doing something that day”). If she’s frosty or angry with you, so be it. You have to think about your own health and wellbeing as well as hers.

If the person you’re in conflict with is someone at work and you discover that they’ve given others misinformation or they’re angry when they speak to you, try to provide a firm but balanced, informative response using whatever method of communication that they used, whether this was verbal or by e.mail. Provide accurate up-to-date information and try to remain at arms’ length. Again, as with family members or friends, limit the time spent in discussions.

Although mindfulness and staying in the ‘here and now’ is hugely helpful, at times of conflict it’s also useful to focus on the future and how much better that might look if you can make small changes.

There will be some loss involved because there always is with change. Be prepared for that and let yourself grieve for the relationship(s) that you’d hoped to have.

None of this will be easy, but in some ways it’s an insurance for your future – a time when you don’t succumb to things you don’t want or like and where you can make boundaries and re-discover your own self-worth.

Check out my blogs as soon as they are published (usually on Wednesdays) by pressing the ‘follow’ button – you can share them with your friends too. You can also find me on LinkedIn, Instagram (samebutdifferent) and read my FB posts at Same But Different. #loss #depression #mentalhealth #anger #melancholy

Friends, But You Really Want More?

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In my last blog on 13 July, I wrote about whether you can really be friends with your ex and how, in theory, that’s possible if you both want it and already have a lot in common, especially if there’s a shared history too.

However, that’s very different from being friends in the first place but the relationship has never gone further than that, but now you’d like it to progress to something deeper, preferably including romance and sex.

First of all, if you’re in that position – you like them a lot, you’ve been friends for ages but, actually, you really fancy them and like to take things to the next level – you might feel awkward about doing anything about it. So, you need to test the water by talking to them, maybe saying that you’re feelings have changed, grown deeper, or however you want to phrase it. Remember, ‘nothing ventured, nothing gained’.

If they pull away, it’s awkward, but it’s also important not to blame yourself or think that there’s something wrong with you. Going down that path will only lead to more pain and hurt but if you can be there for them as a friend again, the awkwardness will slowly disappear. It may not be what you want but staying friends means that you’re still an important part of their life.

It won’t be easy if you’re physically attracted too them, but nor will it be impossible. It’s hard seeing someone whilst your feelings for them are still really strong, but if you really care for them, you’ll make it work.

One thing to take into account is how they told you that they didn’t like you “in that way” – if they were hurtful in what they said, you could challenge them on that otherwise it will come between you. Emphasise that it’s not what they said so much as the way they said it. Not wanting to take things further isn’t a reason to be nasty about it.

Time passing may mean that they change their minds, but don’t wait around thinking that this might happen. You’ve tested it out, they said “no” and now you have to try to get your previous friendship back on an even keel.

To do this, turn to other friends in your life and spend more time with them; try to distract yourself from what you hoped might come about and appreciate all that you’ve been through together and separately. Don’t forget all those great conversations that you’ve had, all the fun times and what you’ve learned from them. Those things are still there and for the friendship to thrive again, they need to continue. So, carry on thinking of fun things to do together, still have their best interests at heart and don’t try to ‘fix’ them.

Sometimes, people need a gentle push in a certain direction, but you can’t do that for them and it’s not healthy to even try. Any changes that they make have to come from them and be what they want. Some friendships last forever, but if this isn’t one of them, you have to try to accept that the future looks different from how you hoped. That acceptance is the key to being happy and contented in the here and now.

You can see my blogs as soon as they are published (usually on Wednesdays) by pressing the ‘follow’ button and you can share them with your friends. You can also find me on LinkedIn, Instagram (samebutdifferent) and read my FB posts at Same But Different. #loss #depression #mentalhealth #anger #melancholy