Finding It Hard To Make Changes To Your Behaviour?

Any counsellor and psychotherapist will tell you that you can only change your behaviour if you really want to – it can be done, but it often takes hard work.

However, don’t despair, because if you’ve decided that you really want to change, starting with some small steps can make a big difference. There are often some common patterns that can hold you back though – here are some of them; take a look and see if they resonate with you and, if so, what you can do about them.

One of the first, and most compelling, is negative self-talk; to make some real changes, start believing in yourself and replace self-criticism with some positive affirmations like “I can do this if I put my mind to it”. Believing in yourself is really important.
Fear of failure is also something that will hold you back, even if you’re determined to change. It can hold you back in a big way but try to recognise that in order to grow, you’ll inevitably make mistakes but these are natural and are part of your development.
Procrastination is a big one too and can really hold us back when we’re trying to change. Try to prioritise your tasks and aim to be consistent, setting small goals along the way so that you’re often achieving some progress even if it’s not as quick as we’d like!
Don’t compare yourself to other people – nothing’s more demoralising than constantly making comparisons. If you’re doing this, try to avoid social media for a while – instead, focus on yourself and your personal growth.
Trying to please other people and a desire to make them happy or do what they expect of you means that you can often neglect your own needs. Thinking about yourself isn’t selfish, even if that’s a message that you took from childhood, but it’s essential if you want to change and prioritise yourself at times.
Lastly, try to set more boundaries with friends, family and colleagues – the hardest thingabout change is that other people in your life may not like it. They say things like “you never used to react like that” and “why have you changed? You were always so easy-going” – these comments make it harder to change and we default back to our old ways. Of course people in your life preferred it when you fell in with their ideas and needs and they won’t always want you to change but for your own long-term happiness, it can be a life-changer, so give it a go.

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Do You Or Your Parner Sabotage Your Relationship?

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Some of you will describe your partner as your ‘best friend’ and then others might say they’re on the verge of leaving their partner; in between those two extremes are all the couples who have everyday niggles about one another but mostly get along fine, with occasional arguments.

But relationships are affected by things that can seem quite small but can grow bigger very quickly. In other words, they’re fragile and some times more than others. Most relationships go through different stages and, ideally, people change together but not always because we don’t always know how change will affect us until it happens.

There are things that can really take their toll though and it’s important to realise what they are and try to avoid them. Read on…..

Neglecting your partner’s needs – no relationship is going to be successful if you only think and care about what you want. There often needs to be compromise along with lots of talking. Putting your own needs first will never result in a healthy relationship and of course the same applies if your partner is the self-centred one.
Being disrespectful towards one another – if this happens, it can eventually destroy your relationship. If you’re annoyed with your partner, it’s all too easy to become disrespectful and although you might apologise later, it can cause a gulf between you.
Try not to take your partner for granted – however happy you are, things can become stale if you don’t even see their good qualities any longer. It’s important to keep showing your love and appreciation.
Don’t focus on the negatives – maybe they didn’t take out the rubbish, mow the lawn or buy the breakfast cereal you like but they might have done all the washing or got the car serviced which are things that contribute to your mutual life together. Try to remember that before you criticise what they haven’t done.
Holding a grudge is a big ‘no no’ in relationships. Forgiveness is paramount and people make mistakes. If you can’t let things go, not just in your relationship, but with friends and family, you’ll never be truly happy.
Constantly doubting your partner means that your relationship can never truly thrive because trust is paramount and one of the most critical parts of healthy relationships. If it’s missing, it means that your partner constantly has to justify themselves, which is no way to live.
In the same way, being very possessive can make your partner feel suffocated. The tighter you hold them, the more they’ll want to get free. Try to work on your own self-esteem and issues to help you with possessiveness. If your partner has betrayed your trust in the past, it will be hard to regain but seeing a couples therapist will help the process if that’s what you both want.
When you’re with your family and friends, it might be easy to poke fun at your partner in front of them and it might well be just humour. But being in a relationship doesn’t give you the right to bring them down in front of people, mock their interests or habits. In the long run it can affect someone’s emotional stability and confidence so better to rein yourself in even if you don’t get as many laughs!
Lastly, making time for each other is important too. It’s often tempting to stay on at work, go out with friends or pursue your other interests, but all relationships need attention, with the other person feeling special and loved, just as you like to yourself.

Do You Often Feel Inadequate?

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Somehow, despite the fact that you might have lots of friends, a reasonable job and a life that seems happy on the surface, it’s still possibl?e to feel inadequate on a day-to-day basis. If you feel like this and wonder if you’re good enough at work or home, it’s quite likely that you’re dealing with feelings of inadequacy.

It can hit you quite suddenly sometimes, whatever your gender or age, and have nothing to do with your actual abilities or performance. In fact, these sort of feelings aren’t unusual and have more to do with low self-confidence rather than what you achieve on a day-to-day basis. These feelings of insecurity can shock us at times, especially if we’ve been confident in the past and can cause anger, insecurity, a withdrawing from things you used to enjoy and lack of motivation. We all experience these feelings sometimes, but if you’ve felt them more lately, what can you do about it?

Learn to regulate your emotions as they’re then easier to manage – for instance, negative emotions can diminish our ability think clearly and make decisions which has the knock-on effect of fuelling feelings of inadequacy.
Modify your expectations and don’t set unachievable goals; I mentioned this in my last blog too, but that’s because we set ourselves up for failure if our goals are consistently too high.
If part of your inadequacy stems from your work, particularly if you’ve taken on a new role, get help with the things you’re struggling with. You may need to go on a course to help at this point, but remember that no-one is good at everything they do straight away, even if it sometimes seems like that!
Develop some self-compassion and practice this every day, either with a short meditation each morning or writing down your strengths in a journal. There will be more than you realised, once you get started. Things that you may take for granted about yourself are probably qualities that other people admire in you. Not that you’re dependent on others to make you feel adequate, but recognising what makes you competent in a lot of areas will help you to feel better about being a capable human being.
Ask other people for help – choose someone that you trust and talk about how you’re feeling.

Hopefully, by practising the above every day, your feelings of inadequacy will subside and you’ll go back to enjoying life rather than constantly doubting yourself.

Feeling Weighed Down By Grief?

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Losing someone we love is one of the most difficult experiences that a lot of us face in our lives. There’s no feeling like it and no timeline to feel better.

There’s no easy way to deal with what’s happened and no way to ‘fast-forward’ through all of the feelings, however much we would like that to happen. It’s a process, sometimes a long lonely one too, and there will be good days and bad days. Accepting that and remembering that when you have a bad day, things will seem brighter at some point, can be a help in itself. You’ll experience numbness, disbelief, anger and sadness, sometimes all of those in one day so it’s certainly not easy.

As human beings, I think that most of us want to be happy (there are exceptions of course!) and incorporating grief into your everyday life is surely a better approach than expecting that you’ll eventually ‘get over it’. So, remember and celebrate the life of your loved-one, acknowledge your feelings (this is important, whatever loss you’ve experienced) and look after yourself even if you don’t always feel like it. Eat healthily and exercise – I’ve said this many time before but they really do make a difference!

Be patient with yourself and reach out to other people too. As I have found on a personal level, some people that you thought you could count on, just aren’t there for you, which is a huge disappointment. But, people that you might have under-estimated previously, can often be the ones who listen carefully, don’t put pressure on you and are a balm to your sensitive feelings.

Time does help in some ways, but so do the above – try them and see what you think. They are not a ‘quick-fix’ because really, there’s no such thing for grief but they will hopefully help on a day-to-day basis, especially when you’re really struggling.

I hope tyou’ve found this blog helpful and interesting – if so, I’d love it if you bought me a coffee ☕ (see tab at top of page). Thank you so much.

What If Your Relationship Goals Are Different?

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A lot of us have been guilty of scrolling online to see how other couples manage their relationships or, if social media isn’t your thing, possibly comparing your relationship to those of your friends. While this can be harmless, it can also lead to unhealthy expectations.

If your relationship is in its early stages, you’re probably pretty optimistic about your goals for the future being similar to those of your partner, but have you checked that out? If you’re in a long-term committed relationship, you’ll know that your priorities, and therefore your goals, are probably very different now from when you started out together.

The best way forward in a new relationship is talking about your priorities and what’s important to you. That means discussing whether or not you want children – this can be a big sticking point because although one of you might agree to defer having a family, actually not wanting children is a very different thing and although it’s tempting to think that the other person might change their mind, you can’t count on that; nor should you because even if there’s a lot of love between you, it doesn’t mean that one or other of you wants children. In the same way, if one of you travels a lot for work and that’s likely to continue, but the other one wants to live in one place and put down roots, a conversation needs to be had about this difference. One important thing is to be true to yourself because if you’re not, ultimately it will prove hard to be happy in your relationship.

Peoples’ priorities change and giving your partner permission to change and grow isn’t always easy. If they change what they thought they wanted, try to treat them with encouragement and kindness; in other words, in the same way that you’d like to be treated if you changed what you thought you wanted. Sometimes, one of you has to give up your dreams for a while so that your partner can achieve their goals – that can be a big sacrifice but easier if you’re confident that your partner will do the same for you in the future. Before you agree to that, look back on other decisions in your relationship – is your partner usually reliable and do they keep to what they said they’d do? If you’re the one making concessions, are you likely to bring this up every time you argue, brooding on whatever’s happened and not enjoying your relationship in the moment?

The main thing is that each of you has to have satisfaction as a couple otherwise it will impact the relationship itself. Having different life goals can leave you wondering if your relationship will work at all so if you can resolve these in the early stages of your relationship, all the better. If you’re several years down the line, compromise and talking to each other is the key to understanding what’s happing. This is the time to focus on what you have in common and what brings you together when times are hard.

Don’t sweat the small stuff – rather than focusing on the little things, look at the bigger picture. Where do you want to be as a couple and a family in five years’ time? Try to bring your attention back to all the similarities that you share.

It’s almost impossible to come to an agreement on everything in your lives but there’s often room for compromise, so is there a way to meet in the middle? You should never give in and say “yes” if it goes totally against what you really want. Compromise means both of you giving a little bit, but not everything.

We all change and even have the right to change but that’s not easy for anyone concerned. You might even surprise yourself with the changes you want! Being open-minded is helpful, as is growing together as opposed to growing apart and being open to new ideas.

If you can’t find a reasonable compromise, couples counselling might well support you along the way – sometimes it helps to have another qualified person to support both of you whilst you look at the different options and how things might be resolved between you.

Hopefully you’ve found this blog helpful and interesting – if so, I’d love it if you bought me a coffee ☕ (see tab at top of page). Thank you so much.

Same But Different.

Blogging my way through change.

Finding It Hard To Make Changes To Your Behaviour?

Do You Or Your Parner Sabotage Your Relationship?