Trying To Deal With Problems In Your Family?

Family problems are never easy to deal with unless you’ve hardened yourself against your nearest and dearest (and maybe they’re not that near or dear even though they’re family!).

It’s easy to say “I’ll never speak to them again” in the heat of the moment but the consequences of that can impact on the rest of your family and ultimately you too because even if you feel betrayed or very hurt by a sibling or parent, there will almost certainly be things that you will miss too.

We expect our loved ones to know what we need or want, especially when a shared history and family dynamics are at play. We sometimes assume they know what we’re going through without our having to explicitly share. However, these assumptions are sometimes wrong and don’t lead to healthy communication.

A lot depends on how much you want to reconcile and how long the situation has been going on. Sometimes, in an emergency like a parent becoming very ill, things have to be said and done to try to mend a rift, if only on a temporary basis. But if you’ve had an argument with someone in your family and miss them but feel they won’t reconcile, the only thing to do is reach out to them. If you wait for them to do that, it might never happen.

People get scared that all the old problems will be rehashed and wonder if they can just move on without the need to analyse and talk about it. Of course, life moves on anyway whether we like it or not but in this particular case, the longer things go on, the harder it can be to heal.

It is possible to have a fresh start though, especially if you approach it with care. A break in a relationship can be a time to re-evaluate what’s happened and acknowledge your own part in it. It’s good to reflection how the other person or people have dealt with the hurt too. There’s no guarantee that an approach on your part will work but if you decide to go for it, ask yourself why you want to reconcile. Is there pressure from other family members and has something changed that makes you think that things might be better now?

If you want to go ahead, ask yourself how you want your relationship to change and what your expectations are. Think about what you want to say and how you might say it. The other person might want to talk about but you might not. Some sort of compromise has to be reached and boundaries need to be put down too. If they’ve agreed to meet up, try to broach the subject of how you’ll discuss it. For instance, no interrupting and no monologues from either of you. If you’re the one who doesn’t want to discuss things, remember that they have needs too and some discussion might be needed to resolve at least some of the issues.

If they’ve agreed to meet, if shows a willingness to find a resolution even though some people just want to prove that they were right all along! Make sure that you’re heard, make a few notes beforehand if it helps and, most of all, realise that both of you will probably need to make some changes in the way you deal with things. Every family has ways of dealing with issues, ranging from sweeping them under the carpet to out and out shouting matches. If you’ve grown up in either of those households, you won’t have established a way of resolving issues but now’s your chance to change that and move forward more peaceably to a calmer future.

Coping With Changes At Home

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At this time of year, our nearly-adult children are often heading off to university or college and even though you’ve always known that this would probably be the case, it’s still quite difficult to cope with when it happens. Suddenly, there’s a big hole in your life and although you’re probably excited and proud for them, it’s normal to feel sadness when they go.

When it happens, it will change the dynamics in your household – if it’s your first child, any other children will feel the loss too. They may not always had an amicable relationship with their sibling but that doesn’t mean that they won’t miss them when they’ve finally gone. Also, if you have a partner, it will undoubtedly affect your relationship too – it can seem great to have more freedom (and maybe money) to do what you want, when you want, but it will probably affect both of you differently. If you’re single parent, the prospect of now living alone can seem very daunting.

Up until now, you’ve had someone to look out for, often shop for and generally help whenever you can. You’ll always worry about them, even when they become adults, but now it will be different.

If you have planned for this, it might help you to adapt when the time comes – it’s a chance to explore different interests that you may not have had time for before. Or, if money’s tight (and that’s happening more and more for many people), you might increase your working hours. However you decide to spend your time, it’s normal to mourn the loss of what was even if you know the change is a good thing really. Something that’s useful to say to yourself is “What could I do instead?”

This is a time to reflect, whether you’re a single parent, in a relationship or the change at home isn’t, for whatever reason, really what you wanted. Structure and routine can help a lot and be a comfort even if it’s not what you usually enjoy. So, go for a morning walk, visit the same pub or coffee house that you usually do and try to stick to a routine for eating and sleeping, at least until your body and mind have caught up with the changes going on.

Try to listen to soothing music, take a warm bath or meditate – anything that comforts you whilst you’re adapting to the changes. It will take time but eventually it will become your ‘new normal’ and even though you’ll still miss your old life at times, you’ll be able to look forward to what the future will bring. Change is never easy, but embrace it as much as you can and try to enjoy what’s happening right now.

I hope that you’ve found this blog interesting – let me know your thoughts on it. You can see my blogs as soon as they are published (usually on Wednesdays) by pressing the ‘follow’ button and you can share them with your friends. You can also find me on LinkedIn, Instagram (samebutdifferent) and read my FB posts every week at Same But Different #samebutdifferent #relationships # issues #bloggerforever #lovewriting #livingchange #makeitcount #canidothis #canyoudothis #ukblogger #femaleblogger #irishblogger

Do You Bottle Up Your Emotions?

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On 9 March 2021 the comedian Jennifer Saunders spoke about her long marriage to Adrian Edmondson saying “”We are masters of keep it in, get over it, move on”. (see link below).

https://www.femalefirst.co.uk/tv/news/jennifer-saunders-never-argues-husband-1285266.html

As a counsellor and psychotherapist, this is not something I’d usually recommend although it certainly seems to work for Jennifer! However, she does go onto say that she often talks to a friend who, I quote, “helps me sort out my feelings about things and people’.

But, for a lot of people, talking about their feelings within relationships (whether that’s with a partner, family member or friend) is necessary so that resentments don’t build up and so that they can interact in a healthy way.

So, how to go about creating this emotional intimacy?

First of all, think about what or who has disappointed you, how it’s impacted on you and how you feel. It’s alright to say that you’re not sure about how you feel, that you’re confused and have mixed emotions.

If you’re struggling with talking about deep topics, ask yourself why this is. Maybe it taps into fears of being abandoned or rejected but if one person consistently avoids deeper subjects, anger can escalate or, the other extreme, one person shuts down their underlying emotions to try to keep the peace.

But, it’s the deep emotions that often keep a meaningful connection and it also stops ongoing negative patterns where communication is concerned.

So, how to start? Well, first of all, don’t say “we need to talk” which can make the other person feel like a five-year old, but instead say “I need to talk”. That shows that you know what you’re going to say is subjective. Following on from that, speak ‘adult to adult’ rather than parent to child. If you feel that you’re getting into a parental role with the other person, who will feel as if they’re being ‘told off’, make a conscious effort to get back to a place where you’re communicating as equals.

Remember, the person you’re interacting doesn’t exist to satisfy your every emotional need. Although your feelings are important, the other person has a right to feel differently and have their own feelings. Sometimes, ultimately you may have to agree to differ, even if that’s very frustrating.

Be patient with each other – differences often mean that you’re both experiencing things differently.

Lastly, don’t underestimate non-verbal communication. A light touch on the arm or a kiss on the cheek shows the other person that ultimately you’re thinking of them in a kind and loving way.

Hopefully you’ve found this blog interesting – let me know your thoughts on it. You can see my blogs as soon as they are published (usually on Wednesdays) by pressing the ‘follow’ button and you can share them with your friends. You can also find me on LinkedIn, Instagram (samebutdifferent) and read my FB posts every week at Same But Different #samebutdifferent #relationships # issues #bloggerforever #lovewriting #livingchange #makeitcount #canidothis #canyoudothis #ukblogger #femaleblogger #irishblogger

Is It Ever OK To Look Through Your Partner’s Phone?

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How tempting is it to take a look at your partner’s phone?! I’d say a lot of us might take a peek if we thought we’d get away with it but some/a lot of you might disagree? What about their right to privacy? Well, as with so many things, it depends…….

Of course it’s a violation of their privacy but that line can become blurred when you have an intimate relationship with someone. Most people (not all, I know) tell a few little white lies to avoid conflict.

Some of it can be curiosity because when you see them looking at their phone you wonder, naturally, who they’re texting and if the answer isn’t particularly forthcoming, it can be irritating at best and send out alarm bells. But if you’re just a curious person and your partner knows that, they might be fine with you having a look and then you can laugh about it together.

But sometimes the desire to look at their phone is a sign of deeper issues in the relationship and if you’re looking for something amiss, you’ll probably find it, if only because texts can be misleading in their purpose and intentions.

However, if your partner has already cheated on you, it makes sense to have an agreement of complete transparency from then on if you’re going to continue together. This has to be mutually agreed but is one way of repairing the harm done. I have to add right here that if someone’s determined to cheat, they can always get another phone to text their lover but we won’t go down that road right now!

Checking their phone can be tied to issues around communication or intimacy because if problems are left in the air rather than being discussed, suspicions can mount. Sometimes it can be easier to check their phone rather than telling them how vulnerable you feel and why you feel the need to look at their phone. But although it can seem justified, it often creates more problems than it resolves.

Even if your partner hasn’t given you any reason to doubt them, you might feel insecure anyway, particularly if you’ve dated or lived with someone who cheated in the past. The betrayal will usually have stayed with you for a long time afterwards. Subconsciously, you may feel that a new partner will betray you or that they’re not really committed to you. This may not be the case at all, particularly if there’s no real evidence to suggest this. If you don’t trust what they are telling you, in effect you’re doubting who they are and wondering whether the person they really are is reflected in the contents of their phone.

If you’re looking at their phone without their knowledge, it’s sustaining secrecy in your relationship. So, generally it’s not alright, particularly as you might find something that’s innocent but blow it up into something big. Or, instead, you might find something suggesting or even confirming that they were doing something you wouldn’t like (not necessarily having an affair but maybe doing business deals that you didn’t know about or buying things that you weren’t aware of). Of course, you’re going to be upset and it’s then become a self-fulfilling prophecy as well as being a bad way of finding out (is there ever a ‘good way’? Probably not!!).

In the end, there are no guarantees in any relationship, but going through someone’s phone shows that there’s a breakdown in communication. If you want to remedy that, ideally there needs to be an agreement that either you can both go through each other’s phones or that each of you needs some privacy even in your relationship, including keeping the contents of your phone to yourself.

When you feel threatened by your partner’s independence it’s not a healthy situation. If you have a relationship built on trust, it gives both of you room to connect with friends, family and colleagues.

Let me know what you think and whether you’ve found this blog interesting, useful or otherwise. You can see my blogs as soon as they are published (usually on Wednesdays) by pressing the ‘follow’ button and you can share them with your friends. You can also find me on Linked In, Instagram (samebutdifferent) and read my FB posts at Same But Different.#samebutdifferent #relationships # issues #bloggerforever #lovewriting #livingchange #makeitcount #canidothis #canyoudothis #ukblogger #femaleblogger #irishblogger

Are You Dealing With A Manipulator?

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It’s easy to think of someone who’s a master/mistress of manipulation as a hideous figure who sits there with arms folded, looking forbidding. If only it was that! It’s rarely that easy to spot a manipulator – think more of a wolf in sheep’s clothing where you can think that someone is harmless, rather than calculating and furtive.

Do you suspect that this is happening to you and that someone you know is gradually gaining control of you or someone close to you? So what should you look out for?

Someone who is very charismatic and excessively nice; there are people who do have those characteristics and are genuine, but nevertheless, be aware that not everyone falls into that category.
They will do almost anything to get you to trust them, including confiding in you so that you feel ‘special’.
They play the victim to try to get their own way.
They’re often passive-aggressive, saying one thing and meaning or doing another.
They use the silent treatment against you if you question them.

So if you recognise some or all of the above, what can you do? Well, it’s not easy but recognising what’s happening is a good start (even though it’s hard if you really like someone).Then – try taking a step back, in a literal sense as well as emotionally. This is because manipulators often attempt to pat you on the shoulder or back, using the physical proximity as well as cajoling you to pressurise you into doing what they want.

Try to stay emotionally neutral by not reacting in an emotional way. By staying calm and responding to criticism (there’s almost always criticism!), you minimise them playing on your vulnerability. So responding with sentences like “I disagree with what you’re saying about me so I’m leaving it there” and refuse to enter further discussion on that particular subject.

Tell them that you no longer respond to calls and texts are 9p.m. and before 9a.m. each day. There’s no need to give a long explanation, just say that it works better for you.

Look them in the eye – it can be very intense but is often a tactic used by manipulators. You may have to practice this but it will be worth it.

If they say that you ‘always’ do a particular thing (usually something that they don’t like!), ask them for examples of other times that it’s happened. Unless they can cite six other examples, ‘always’ isn’t true and you can tell them this.

They often know how to push your buttons, but you do have the power to say “I’m not going to do this and you have to accept it” and then keep to that.

Lastly, but perhaps most importantly, don’t let yourself become isolated. A manipulator will try to get you to withdraw from your family or other friends. Instead of withdrawing, start spending more time those people who are usually close to you – it will help you to break free from a manipulator’s grip over you.

It won’t be easy, but keep trying the above and you will be able to live your life freely without fear of upsetting someone who wants to manipulate you.