Ever Feel That Your Relationship Is Off Balance?

We all know that relationships need some mutual give and take with each person showing an interest in one another’s interests and goals whilst showing care for the other one.

But if your relationship is off-balance it lacks this mutual give and take, with one of you doing most or all of the giving but getting little in return. With couples, when both of them are getting at least 90% of their needs met in their relationship, they’re usually happy. Even with only 70% of their needs met, most people will stay put and keep trying to improve things but once a person is getting less than 50% of their needs met, they’ll usually think of splitting from their partner. The exception to this is if one of them has a serious illness – that changes the dynamics completely and most people caring for a sick partner will recognise that, at least for the time-being, a lot of their needs can’t be met.

So, what are the signs that your relationship is off-balance?

You put in a lot of effort for your partner but they don’t do the same for you.
You often feel that you’re putting more into your relationship than you’re getting out of it.
You feel as if you need to take care of your partner.
You always try to fix things before they become a problem, to save your partner doing things.
You often feel unappreciated.
You’re very reluctant to ask for anything for yourself.
Your partner doesn’t seem very interested in you or what you’re doing.
You often feel resentful.

All of the above mean that your own needs aren’t being met. So what can you do to improve things?

Start by prioritising your own emotional needs – that means showing yourself the same care that you show to other people, not just your partner.

Try having a conversation about it – you may well be scared of their reaction but don’t assume that they already know what you need. It needs to be made very clear for some people.

Start setting clearer boundaries with your partner so that you both know what to expect. If your partner is annoyed about this, try to stick to what you’ve decided or you’ll be back where you started.

If you’ve asked your partner for help and support many times before, you need to either accept that you won’t get what you need or think seriously about leaving the relationship.

Lastly, it’s important to remember that we all deserve relationships that are mutually caring and supportive.

Hopefully you’ve enjoyed reading this blog and, if so, you can see my blogs as soon as they are published (usually on Wednesdays) by pressing the ‘follow’ button and you can share them with your friends. You can also find me on LinkedIn, Instagram (samebutdifferent) and read my FB posts every week at Same But Different #samebutdifferent #relationships # issues #bloggerforever #lovewriting #livingchange #makeitcount #canidothis #canyoudothis #ukblogger #femaleblogger

Feeling Weighed Down By Grief?

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A lot of us have suffered bereavement and loss during the pandemic – maybe people we loved died during the past couple of years or our relationships suffered because of lockdown. Whatever happened, losing someone we love is one of the most difficult experiences that a lot of us face in our lives.

There’s no easy way to deal with what’s happened and no way to ‘fast-forward’ through all of the feelings, however much we would like that to happen. It’s a process, sometimes a long lonely one too, and there will be good days and bad days. Accepting that and remembering that when you have a bad day, things will seem brighter at some point, can be a help in itself.

As human beings, I think that most of us want to be happy (there are exceptions of course!) and incorporating grief into your everyday life is surely a better approach than expecting that you’ll eventually ‘get over it’. So, remember and celebrate the life of your loved-one if they’ve died, acknowledge your feelings (this is important, whatever loss you’ve experienced) and look after yourself even if you don’t always feel like it. Eat healthily and exercise – I’ve said this many time before but they really do make a difference! Be patient with yourself and reach out to other people too.

Time does help in some ways, but so do the above – try them and see what you think.

Feeling That You’ve Outgrown Your Relationship?

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Reading the title of this blog it may sound harsh but if you’re in a long-term relationship, you’ll know that there are ups and downs over the years. Hard though it is to think like this, some relationships are forever and a lot are ‘for now’ or for ‘some time ahead’. Sounds cynical? Maybe, that’s often the reality.

But how do you know if and when you’ve outgrown your relationship? Maybe something drastic has happened to change it, but quite often partners change at a different pace even though at the beginning of our relationships it seemed impossible.

When you’ve worked hard to keep things going but your partner doesn’t want to change (or finds it too difficult), you can end up feeling resentful and angry. Sound familiar? If one of you has changed in how you live your life, how you view your career or there’s been a long-term health problem, you might be very different people from the ones who met years ago.

Another sign that you’ve outgrown the other person can be that you feel embarrassed and awkward if you’re out together. Our partners are often a reflection of who we are and if they’re still stuck at how they used to be, it can feel as if they’re holding us back when we want to move forward. If you’re constantly having to ask them to make changes or you liked the fact that they were relaxed about life but now it irks you and you’re always pushing for something different, it’s time to think about it all seriously

You might have found that as you’ve developed new interests, had different conversations with other people and realise that your beliefs are different it can lead to you looking for someone who shares your values and interests. It’s easy to be drawn to a new person who seems exciting and different from your current partner.

So, what’s the answer (if there is one – not easy!). First of all, talk about it and then talk some more; tell each other how you’d like things to be and how you can help each other to get there. Then, set a realistic timeframe to look at things again. By that time, you might both have come to the realisation that it’s not working and it’s unlikely to change. When you’ve given it your best efforts, it may be time to break up, but that’s rarely an easy path to take……..

Hopefully you’ve enjoyed reading this blog and, if so, you can see my blogs as soon as they are published (usually on Wednesdays) by pressing the ‘follow’ button and you can share them with your friends. You can also find me on LinkedIn, Instagram (samebutdifferent) and read my FB posts at Same But Different. #loss #depression #mentalhealth #anger #melancholy

Could Your Breakup Be Your Shakeup?

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Most of us have had a romantic breakup in our lives and it’s often absolutely devastating but if one or both of you have decided that your relationship has run its course, then you may have to eventually accept that even if you don’t want to.

I’ve written about some aspects of this before – see my blog ‘Can You Still Be Friends With Your Ex?’ posted on 13 July where I write about how you can stay friendly as long as certain boundaries are kept. If you read that blog you’ll remember that even though you will almost certainly miss them, you’ll both need time and space to deal with all the difficult emotions.

If, after some time, you want to try to be friends, try not to fall into old patterns and habits. To maintain a friendship, you have to behave like friends so that will mean not doing things that you used to do when you were a couple. If you find yourself thinking “It’s like we never broke up”, it’s probably best to get back to maintaining a distance again.

Better still, avoid using social media so much – taking some time away from it can be very helpful and will mean that you won’t end up looking at photos of ‘perfect couples’ as well as those of your ex, possibly with someone new. Try not to announce your breakup on social media and even though you might want to share the fact that your ex lied and cheated or did something else hurtful, it’s best not to go down that road.

So, if you’ve sorted that out in your mind, is this the time to do things differently, thinking about you and what you want. Even if you have children or other responsibilities, there are often things that you can do to put yourself first sometimes. In other words, the breakup can shake things up and often for the better!

You can use this time to create a regular self-care routine so that each day you do something that brings you some happiness. This can be seeing friends even though that can be hard – if you were used to having someone to come home to after an evening out, it’s difficult not to dwell on that, especially if it was often a happy experience. But, you can do it and it will get easier with time (you may not believe this but give it a try anyway!). Spend some time on a hobby that you may have neglected and start exercising. If meditation’s more your thing, try to find some meditation on YouTube or download an app. to encourage you along the way.

This is the time to open up your curtains and let in the light, burn a scented candle as well as having a shower using all your favourite products.

Even though it’s hard to sleep well after a breakup, try to relax before bed and resist looking at your phone for the hour before you put the light out. Then there’s comfort eating – who hasn’t resorted to carb-filled food when feeling really down? It’s tempting to get through the evenings with a glass or two of wine to help you forget what’s happened too. Consider saving these for special times or just once a week.

There’s going to be a lot of sadness, confusion and loneliness as well as anger and grief in equal doses after a breakup but if you can write down your feelings, even illustrate them, you’ll find that it will help. Talking to someone you trust can be very comforting as well.

It won’t be easy and shaking things up will take time but one day, you will hopefully find that you like your new life and every minute of each day will no longer be filled with thoughts of your ex and the life you once shared.

Hopefully you’ve enjoyed reading this blog and, if so, you can see my blogs as soon as they are published (usually on Wednesdays) by pressing the ‘follow’ button and you can share them with your friends. You can also find me on LinkedIn, Instagram (samebutdifferent) and read my FB posts at Same But Different. #loss #depression #mentalhealth #anger #melancholy

How Can You Stay In Love, Even When Things Are Really Tough?

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Isn’t this what we all dream of? A love that withstands anything and everything….but, as the song goes ‘Staying in Love Ain’t Easy’ (Wendell B.)

Our society creates a very romanticised, almost unrealistic image of what it is to be in love and it’s usually a lot quicker to fall in love than it is to fall out of love. That heady feeling can last a lifetime for many people but for many more it’s about recognising that people are unlikely to change what are their basic personality traits, much as we might want them to!

When I worked as a relationship counsellor and saw couples who felt that they were no longer in love, I tried to emphasise that both partners have to be willing to keep their love alive – it’s pretty hard for one person to keep things going if the other one is ‘opting out’ emotionally and physically. But, if you’re both committed to keeping your love alive and your life together happy, what can you do, even if things are difficult?

Start with what attracted you to your partner which could be any number of things – their sense of humour, kindness, their academic achievements or, quite possibly, a raw attraction which was mainly physical. But if it was enough to bring you together, it can hopefully be enough to keep you together in the long-term.

Fun and the friendship that you hopefully have are one of the most important parts of love – that’s paying attention to your partner, asking about their day, doing things together that you both enjoy and going out as a couple and with other couples too.

You need connection too – trying new activities together, showing empathy for the challenges they might be facing, even if you’d deal with it differently, dreaming and talking about your future together.

Intimacy is important to most of us – starting the day with a kiss, always kissing goodnight at the end of the day, telling them what you love about sex with them, holding hands. All of these are connections that keep people together.

Then there are the arguments – most couples have them, sometimes almost daily! If this is part of your relationship try to take responsibility for some part of the problem, avoid swearing and yelling during arguments and try to be clear and direct. Face your challenges together and see what you can do differently, especially if you’ve been fighting a lot.

Finally, there’s gratitude – telling them what you like about them, thanking them for working hard, appreciating their quirks and funny little ways as well as doing a chore that you know they hate, cooking their favourite meal and picking up the slack when they’re really busy.

No-one said that relationships are easy (well, they probably did, but they weren’t being realistic!), but trying to keep things fresh and helping one another along when things are really tough is a good start and can keep your relationship a loving one, even when you’re facing a lot of different hurdles. It’s really worth trying….

You can see my blogs as soon as they are published (usually on Wednesdays) by pressing the ‘follow’ button and you can share them with your friends. You can also find me on LinkedIn, Instagram (samebutdifferent) and read my FB posts at Same But Different. #loss #depression #mentalhealth #anger #melancholy