Goodness knows, the pandemic has given a lot of us plenty of opportunities to shop online and there’s no doubt that buying something new often lightens our spirits, whether it’s clothes, gadgets or blowing money on a holiday. There are a constant flow of adverts in the media that reinforce our spending too. Shopping online on your phone or pc during work breaks or even the middle of the night can feel as if you’re not really spending money at all, but the consequences can be devastating and hard to control.   

Although occasional spending isn’t necessarily a bad thing it can get out of control. We often joke about ‘retail therapy’ and use words like ‘shopaholic’ but if your own urges to shop, or those of someone close to you, become uncontrollable it’s no longer funny. If you’re spending beyond your means, compulsive shopping is as damaging for finances and relationships as alcoholism or gambling.

However, there are ways to break free but one of the first things to do is take it seriously. If you recognise that you’ve got a real problem, you may need extra support from friends and family and possibly a structured treatment programme to help you to quit. If someone you love suffers with this addiction, they’ll need a lot of support from you and other friends and family.

People who struggle with compulsive shopping often experience ups and downs and find that the urge is strongest when they’re feeling sad, depressed or angry. Going out and buying something new gives them a ‘high’ for a while but then they plummet when the realisation hits that they’ve spent even more money on a shopping spree.

If you recognise this in yourself, have started hiding what you’ve bought or find that you’re maxing out your credit cards and want to try to control these buying splurges, here are a few ways to start the process:

• Avoid online stores and shopping channels. Ask someone you trust to block these sites on your phone, pc and television and then secure a password, unknown to you, to unlock them.
• If you feel the urge to shop, do something constructive like exercise or take up an interest that doesn’t require you to spend a lot of money.
• If you’re going to the shops, write a list and stick to it.
• Work out a budget (there are lots of online budget sheets to help you) and make a plan to pay off the debts that you’ve built up.
• Your brain has become accustomed to the instant gratification of compulsive shopping and you’ll need the help of a support group to make changes. You could also ask your GP to refer you for Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) – there may be a long waiting list but it will be worth it as, although it’s not suitable for every type of issue, CBT is useful for helping change the ways you think and behave.

Once you’ve tried the above ways to manage compulsive shopping, you’ll start to relax and feel in control of your life again.

You can read my blogs as soon as they are published (usually on Wednesdays) by pressing the ‘follow’ button and you can share them with your friends. You can also find me on Linked In, Instagram (samebutdifferent) and read my FB posts at Same But Different.

#anxiety #familyrelationships #stress #self-esteem #workonyourself

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Why do we do this? I’m guessing that most of us say it because we don’t want to show our real emotions, perhaps out of pride or because we don’t want other people to feel sorry for us. A lot also depends on who’s asking. Do they really care about you or is it someone who’s a casual acquaintance and you think they’re asking the question automatically rather than being genuinely interested in you and how you’re feeling. Whoever it is, if you feel uncomfortable with their question, don’t feel obliged to give more than a short answer, giving little away.

I wouldn’t usually advocate keeping your feelings to yourself but in this instance, self-protection comes into play and it can be best to keep your true feelings to yourself. You can always answer with something along the lines of “Oh, I’m just getting on with things. How about you? How are you doing?”

But there will be times when you really want, even need, to talk and most people who ask are doing so out of genuine concern. Finding some sort of balance is often the best way forward; in other words, maybe start with telling the person “I’m finding it hard at the moment but trying to get through a day at a time. Maybe we could talk about it more one evening/next weekend”. Trusting the listener is a big part of talking about the issues that are causing you problems. You need to have confidence in them and this takes time – you might take a couple of weeks to tell them the truth about what’s been happening for you but that’s okay. Bearing our souls isn’t easy but keeping things buried inside doesn’t help. Eventually they erupt, often when we’re least expecting it.

So tell your trusted friends and say what you need like some space, time to vent or a companion to go walking with rather than going alone if that’s what you usually do. Most of us need human contact, not just physically but emotionally so that we don’t’ feel so alone when life is hard for us. This is the start to saying how you feel rather than always telling people that you’re fine – give it a try and see how you go.

You can read my blogs as soon as they are published (usually on Wednesdays) by pressing the ‘follow’ button and you can share them with your friends. You can also find me on Linked In, Instagram (samebutdifferent) and read my FB posts at Same But Different.

#anxiety #familyrelationships #stress #self-esteem #workonyourself

I’m late writing this blog – I have no idea why, except I’ve had a lot on my time and those things seem to have left less room for anything creative, including writing blogs (hopefully you find these creative, at least some of the time!).

However, it’s a good way of looking at how easily we can become stressed and have less time to do those things that nourish us emotionally and creatively. “Well, we have to earn a living/look after our children/make a cake for the school bazaar/” I hear you say, and you’re absolutely right but we DO need to check in with ourselves sometimes, have some breathing space and generally have a bit of a rest.

During the last eighteen months, most of us have had to deal with huge amounts of stress and it’s taken a toll, even though we’re mostly getting back to some sort of normality. But if you’re finding that you’re putting off doing things more than usual, eating or sleeping more, finding everyday things overwhelming or just not looking forward to seeing friends or family, it’s time to take some time for yourself.

So if this is you, try to go for a walk alone, sit quietly and breathe slowly and steadily, have a long bath or read a book for half an hour (or a magazine if that appeals more!). You’re almost certain to start feeling more refreshed and more yourself. It will take a few days of incorporating these simple ideas into your daily routine, but you’ll notice the difference.

Now, I’m off to do exactly that! Hopefully, my blogs will now return to their usual fortnightly posts.

You can read my blogs as soon as they are published (usually on Wednesdays) by pressing the ‘follow’ button and you can share them with your friends. You can also find me on Linked In, Instagram (samebutdifferent) and read my FB posts at Same But Different.

#anxiety #familyrelationships #stress #self-esteem #workonyourself

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It’s an uncomfortable feeling and often baffling as to why some people would choose to put us, or others, ‘on the spot’. Why do they do it and how can you deal with it?

Some of it is to do with ‘emotional intelligence’ and being able to read emotions – some people haven’t developed that, either because of poor role models when they were younger or perhaps they’ve been encouraged to ‘say it how it is’ (often a recipe for rudeness, I’ve found!).  Some people are good at understanding others through their facial expressions or their voices, but not everyone can, or wants to, do that.

Or another reason for putting you in a tricky position could be that they do it before something similar or awkward happens to them – either way, if you’re the butt of difficult questions or remarks, how do you deal with it?

Here are a few pointers that will hopefully help:

• Trust yourself – this sounds easy but if you often dismiss your own ideas, thinking that they’re ‘silly’ or not worth thinking about, other people will often do the same. So, trust what you’re thinking and value your plans and thoughts.
• If you know that a certain person often tries to make you feel embarrassed or awkward, try preparing a few things that you might say in return, such as “I hear what you’re saying but I need some time to think about it” or “That’s interesting; I’m not sure if I agree but maybe you could say a bit more….?”. In other words, don’t react defensively, but try to maintain some dialogue with that person.
• Speak slowly, if you decide to answer what they’re asking or saying. Take a deep breath (or two!) before you get flustered.
• If someone is verging on being really nasty and is trying to make you look small, remember that you deserve respect and make it clear to them that you won’t tolerate their put-downs.
• Look up assertiveness training on-line and then join a course. It can make all the difference!.

Please do comment on my blog if you have found it interesting, useful or otherwise. You can see my blogs as soon as they are published (usually on Wednesdays) by pressing the ‘follow’ button and you can share them with your friends. You can also find me on LinkedIn, Instagram (samebutdifferent) and read my FB posts at Same But Different.

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• Anxiety and Depression
• Behaviour patterns
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Some people seem to have different moods each days whilst others are pretty much on an even keel. Sounds obvious? Well, yes, but if you’re the one who doesn’t often experience dark moods, it can be hard to know how to deal with them in other people.

And what about if you’re the one who’s moody? Sometimes, people are struggling with life and going through a difficult time but others use their moods to manipulate those around them. I’m not suggesting that there aren’t genuine reasons for peoples’ moods and sometimes there’s a medical reason for their depression and moodiness – in which case, they need to get professional help.

Whatever the reason, try to be understanding if someone’s going through hard times or are sick, depressed, tired or have suffered a bereavement.

But if you suspect over time that the moody person uses their moodiness to get what they want, here are a few ways to deal with that:

• Take a break, particularly if you have to work with a moody person. Get away from your desk if you can, find a non-moody person to speak to for a few minutes – interacting with moody people can be exhausting!
• Try to stay calm – it may seem like your fault, but it’s almost certainly not. Nor do you need to take it personally or solve it. Lastly, don’t let it make you feel bad.
• If possible, consider not having so much to do with them. That’s not usually possible at work but if it’s someone in your family, you can try breaks away from them if they’re making you miserable. All relationships are about give and take and if you’re always the one doing the giving, it’s just not balanced.
• Their “I can’t help it, I’m just a moody person” really doesn’t cut it. If you’ve tried concern, advice and patience and they don’t seem to want to make any changes, then maybe you need to rethink the situation. How much support are you able or willing to give them when it doesn’t seem to have any effect?
• Another way of dealing with their moods is to just go about your day as best you can, and totally ignore their mood. Live your life as if nothing was wrong. You need to get on with things even if your partner/sibling/friend is being completely negative.
• Lastly, don’t reward moodiness by letting it affect any choices you have to make – you’re building up problems for the future by encouraging their behaviour.

You may not agree with this blog, but I’d be interested in your comments, whatever you think about it.

You can see my blogs as soon as they are published (usually on Wednesdays) by pressing the ‘follow’ button and you can share them with your friends. You can also find me on LinkedIn, Instagram (samebutdifferent) and read my FB posts at Same But Different.

• Anger
• Anxiety and Depression
• Behaviour patterns
• Bereavement
• Couples
• Finances
• Individuals
• Insecurity
• Loneliness
• Mental Health
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• Self-esteem
• Sexuality
• Social anxiety
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