I think that most of us have, or have had, a high-maintenance friend – the person, male or female, who calls several times each day, texts you and expects a reply within the hour and doesn’t seem to realise that you need some time with your partner and family or just want some down time on your own.

Although they can be a huge amount of fun at times and you feel that they add something to your life that no-one else does, you might have got to the point where you feel that all the drama of long phone calls and even longer meet-ups isn’t worth it after all.

If you want to carry on the friendship though, you’ll need to develop some firm boundaries and ideally these need to be sooner rather than later, otherwise you’ll get the almost inevitable response “but you’ve never minded before”.

Before you make any sort of decision think about whether you haven’t said something before because you were scared of saying “no” to them, especially if they’ve been going through a tough time. There’s also the fear of offending them – they might simply be vulnerable although there’s also the possibility that their vulnerability can make them manipulative too. There’s something else too -maybe you get lonely and their friendship with all of its demands makes you feel needed and useful.

If you decide that you do want to carry on seeing them, despite some drawbacks, then try the following:

• Remember everything that’s good about them – it will be easier to set some boundaries if you can remind yourself about all the good things that you’re trying to preserve.
• If you don’t want to meet up or it’s simply not convenient, trying suggesting an alternative like “I’m hoping to go out to the pub with Emma and Joe next week – could you come along too?”.
• Set your boundaries whilst safeguarding other friendships – try saying firmly something along the lines of “I love spending time with you but this time I’m seeing Jenny alone. You and I can go out together another time”.
• If you’re finding it hard, practice before talking to your (high maintenance) friend.
• They almost certainly won’t like it – a lot of people won’t stand up to  high-maintenance friends, instead ignoring them and going out of their way to avoid them. Be prepared for even more drama whilst you’re setting these new boundaries.
• Most of all, be consistent as well as firm and patient. It will take time but hopefully your friend will eventually accept these new boundaries.  If not, maybe it’s time to come to terms with it and let the friendship go.

Hopefully you’ve found this blog helpful and interesting – if so, I’d love it if you bought me a coffee ☕ (see tab at top of page). Thank you so much.

You can see my blogs as soon as they are published (usually on Wednesdays) by pressing the ‘follow’ button and you can share them with your friends. You can also find me on LinkedIn, Instagram (samebutdifferent) and read my FB posts every week at Same But Different #samebutdifferent #relationships # issues #bloggerforever #lovewriting #livingchange #makeitcount #canidothis #canyoudothis #ukblogger #femaleblogger #irishblogger

If you’re interested in this question, it’s quite possible that someone (a partner or friend) has disappointed you and, yet again, you feel disappointed. A lot of us pride ourselves on not settling for less than we feel we deserve but does that mean that we end up too ‘picky’?

Having high expectations is often seen as a negative, as if you’re selfish, unbending or someone who takes too much. There’s always a context to this though and it may be that you have reasonable requests but a manipulative person twists these, making out that you’re needy or expecting too much from them. Still, if you often feel alone and misunderstood, it’s a good time to look at your needs and how they fit into your relationships.

There might be subconscious insecurities going on which lead you to have a long list of criteria that other people have to meet. This can lead to you being overly critical of people and if there was a need that wasn’t met in your childhood, this can be projected into your adult relationships. This shows up in your choice of partners or friends – subconsciously you want them to make up the shortfall that you experienced as a child. This is a negative self-fulfilling prophecy because it’s unlikely that anyone will be able to fulfil this for you.

Having done some soul-searching and you think that this might be the case, it’s time to try to look at things in a different way. This doesn’t mean lowering your standards so that you’re often put-upon and disrespected, but having less expectations of others might well prove a positive experience for you and them!

Try to forgive people when you feel let down by them – everyone is busy with their own lives and don’t always sense what we need at a particular time. If they’re usually there for you, recognise that they too are human and have their ‘off days’

Let yourself be more vulnerable without letting people take advantage of you. This doesn’t mean that someone has to ‘fix’ things for you, more that you’re open about some of your feelings and thoughts.

Think about the intimacy in your relationships and ask yourself if there could be more mutual sharing of confidences and feelings – open up and encourage the other person to open up too.

Do your best and hope that other people will too but try to be flexible if they can’t sometimes.

If you do all of the above and mostly it works well plus you can honestly say that you don’t expect too much, then stick with your relationship-expectations and don’t settle for less than you really want.

Hopefully you’ve found this blog helpful and interesting – if so, I’d love it if you bought me a coffee ☕ (see tab at top of page). Thank you so much. You can see my blogs as soon as they are published (usually on Wednesdays) by pressing the ‘follow’ button and you can share them with your friends. You can also find me on LinkedIn, Instagram (samebutdifferent) and read my FB posts every week at Same But Different #samebutdifferent #relationshi

It’s an interesting question but what is resilience? The Oxford Languages definition says that ‘it’s the capacity to recover quickly from difficulties; toughness’. Even that is subjective though because what counts as ‘quickly’ can differ from person to person.

Another way of putting it is that mentally resilient people have certain traits that help them to cope with adversity; maybe it’s about learning valuable lessons from what seem like impossible setbacks and finding ways to get on with life despite problems and issues along the way.

Still, we all have bad days when things seem to get on top of us but if you often wish that you could ‘ride the storm’ when you face obstacles rather than feel anxious and depressed, how can you change that?

• One way is to self-monitor, meaning that you have an awareness of your feelings and thoughts. It’s possible to regulate your feelings according to whatever the situation demands but this means being proactive about issues, reaching out for help – in other words, taking responsibility for your actions and seeing how what you do affects other people too.
• So this is about accepting the consequences of your actions and choices, rather than adopting a victim role, blaming others for problems that you may have caused yourself. Sounds harsh? Well, it’s also about being self-compassionate during hard times whilst knowing that you’ve made an effort and done your best in often difficult circumstances.
• Another way to change things is to try to see things from other peoples’ perspective and deal with what is actual reality rather than what we speculate is the case but has no substance. In other words, recognising the difference between internal feelings and what’s happening in the outside world.
• This means adjusting your responses to the particular situation, looking for the more positive consequences rather than the negative ones. Not easy, but also not impossible.
• Another part of becoming more resilient is dealing with the past and recognising that some situations and feelings that you’re experiencing now might stem from years ago. Maybe one of your parents often viewed things negatively or and this is what you learnt to do to. There may have been life events that affected your family in a very difficult way and these have meant that you now expect the worst outcome in situations that arise. Being able to process these events means that they don’t accumulate into disappointments and trauma and you can start seeing life from a new perspective.

As I’ve said before, changing things isn’t easy and takes determination and in the case of resilience and feeling more positive, learning different ways of coping can make a real difference.

Hopefully you’ve found this blog helpful and interesting – if so, I’d love it if you bought me a coffee ☕ (see tab at top of page). Thank you so much.

You can see my blogs as soon as they are published (usually on Wednesdays) by pressing the ‘follow’ button and you can share them with your friends. You can also find me on LinkedIn, Instagram (samebutdifferent) and read my FB posts every week at Same But Different #samebutdifferent #relationships # issues #bloggerforever #lovewriting #livingchange #makeitcount #canidothis #canyoudothis #ukblogger #femaleblogger #irishblogger

We all know that relationships need some mutual give and take with each person showing an interest in one another’s interests and goals whilst showing care for the other one.

But if your relationship is off-balance it lacks this mutual give and take, with one of you doing most or all of the giving but getting little in return.  With couples, when both of them are getting at least 90% of their needs met in their relationship, they’re usually happy. Even with only 70% of their needs met, most people will stay put and keep trying to improve things but once a person is getting less than 50% of their needs met, they’ll usually think of splitting from their partner. The exception to this is if one of them has a serious illness – that changes the dynamics completely and most people caring for a sick partner will recognise that, at least for the time-being, a lot of their needs can’t be met.

So, what are the signs that your relationship is off-balance?

• You put in a lot of effort for your partner but they don’t do the same for you.
• You often feel that you’re putting more into your relationship than you’re getting out of it.
• You feel as if you need to take care of your partner.
• You always try to fix things before they become a problem, to save your partner doing things.
• You often feel unappreciated.
• You’re very reluctant to ask for anything for yourself.
• Your partner doesn’t seem very interested in you or what you’re doing.
• You often feel resentful.

All of the above mean that your own needs aren’t being met. So what can you do to improve things?

Start by prioritising your own emotional needs – that means showing yourself the same care that you show to other people, not just your partner.

Try having a conversation about it – you may well be scared of their reaction but don’t assume that they already know what you need. It needs to be made very clear for some people.

Start setting clearer boundaries with your partner so that you both know what to expect. If your partner is annoyed about this, try to stick to what you’ve decided or you’ll be back where you started.

If you’ve asked your partner for help and support many times before, you need to either accept that you won’t get what you need or think seriously about leaving the relationship.

Lastly, it’s important to remember that we all deserve relationships that are mutually caring and supportive.

Hopefully you’ve found this blog helpful and interesting – if so, I’d love it if you bought me a coffee ☕ (see tab at top of page). Thank you so much.

You can see my blogs as soon as they are published (usually on Wednesdays) by pressing the ‘follow’ button and you can share them with your friends. You can also find me on LinkedIn, Instagram (samebutdifferent) and read my FB posts every week at Same But Different #samebutdifferent #relationships # issues #bloggerforever #lovewriting #livingchange #makeitcount #canidothis #canyoudothis #ukblogger #femaleblogger #irishblogger

Reading the title of this blog it may sound harsh but if you’re in a long-term relationship, you’ll know that there are ups and downs over the years. Hard though it is to think like this, some relationships are forever and a lot are ‘for now’ or for ‘some time ahead’. Sounds cynical? Maybe, that’s often the reality.

But how do you know if and when you’ve outgrown your relationship? Maybe something drastic has happened to change it, but quite often partners change at a different pace even though at the beginning of our relationships it seemed impossible.

When you’ve worked hard to keep things going but your partner doesn’t want to change (or finds it too difficult), you can end up feeling resentful and angry. Sound familiar? If one of you has changed in how you live your life, how you view your career or there’s been a long-term health problem, you might be very different people from the ones who met years ago.

Another sign that you’ve outgrown the other person can be that you feel embarrassed and awkward if you’re out together. Our partners are often a reflection of who we are and if they’re still stuck at how they used to be, it can feel as if they’re holding us back when we want to move forward. If you’re constantly having to ask them to make changes or you liked the fact that they were relaxed about life but now it irks you and you’re always pushing for something different, it’s time to think about it all seriously

You might have found that as you’ve developed new interests, had different conversations with other people and realise that your beliefs are different it can lead to you looking for someone who shares your values and interests. It’s easy to be drawn to a new person who seems exciting and different from your current partner.

So, what’s the answer (if there is one – not easy!). First of all, talk about it and then talk some more; tell each other how you’d like things to be and how you can help each other to get there. Then, set a realistic timeframe to look at things again. By that time, you might both have come to the realisation that it’s not working and it’s unlikely to change. When you’ve given it your best efforts, it may be time to break up, but that’s rarely an easy path to take……..

Hopefully you’ve found this blog helpful and interesting – if so, I’d love it if you bought me a coffee ☕ (see tab at top of page). Thank you so much.

You can see my blogs as soon as they are published (usually on Wednesdays) by pressing the ‘follow’ button and you can share them with your friends. You can also find me on LinkedIn, Instagram (samebutdifferent) and read my FB posts every week at Same But Different #samebutdifferent #relationships # issues #bloggerforever #lovewriting #livingchange #makeitcount #canidothis #canyoudothis #ukblogger #femaleblogger #irishblogger