Isn’t this what we all dream of? A love that withstands anything and everything….but, as the song goes ‘Staying in Love Ain’t Easy’ (Wendell B.)

Our society creates a very romanticised, almost unrealistic image of what it is to be in love and it’s usually a lot quicker to fall in love than it is to fall out of love. That heady feeling can last a lifetime for many people but for many more it’s about recognising that people are unlikely to change what are their basic personality traits, much as we might want them to!

When I worked as a relationship counsellor and saw couples who felt that they were no longer in love,  I tried to emphasise that both partners have to be willing to keep their love alive – it’s pretty hard for one person to keep things going if the other one is ‘opting out’ emotionally and physically. But, if you’re both committed to keeping your love alive and your life together happy, what can you do, even if things are difficult?

Start with what attracted you to your partner which could be any number of things – their sense of humour, kindness, their academic achievements or, quite possibly, a raw attraction which was mainly physical. But if it was enough to bring you together, it can hopefully be enough to keep you together in the long-term.

Fun and the friendship that you hopefully have are one of the most important parts of love – that’s paying attention to your partner, asking about their day, doing things together that you both enjoy and going out as a couple and with other couples too.

You need connection too – trying new activities together, showing empathy for the challenges they might be facing, even if you’d deal with it differently, dreaming and talking about your future together.

Intimacy is important to most of us – starting the day with a kiss, always kissing goodnight at the end of the day, telling them what you love about sex with them, holding hands. All of these are connections that keep people together.

Then there are the arguments – most couples have them, sometimes almost daily! If this is part of your relationship try to take responsibility for some part of the problem, avoid swearing and yelling during arguments and try to be clear and direct. Face your challenges together and see what you can do differently, especially if you’ve been fighting a lot.

Finally, there’s gratitude – telling them what you like about them, thanking them for working hard, appreciating their quirks and funny little ways as well as doing a chore that you know they hate, cooking their favourite meal and picking up the slack when they’re really busy.

No-one said that relationships are easy (well, they probably did, but they weren’t being realistic!), but trying to keep things fresh and helping one another along when things are really tough is a good start and can keep your relationship a loving one, even when you’re facing a lot of different hurdles. It’s really worth trying….

Hopefully you’ve found this blog helpful and interesting – if so, I’d love it if you bought me a coffee ☕ (see tab at top of page). Thank you so much.

You can see my blogs as soon as they are published (usually on Wednesdays) by pressing the ‘follow’ button and you can share them with your friends. You can also find me on LinkedIn, Instagram (samebutdifferent) and read my FB posts every week at Same But Different #samebutdifferent #relationships # issues #bloggerforever #lovewriting #livingchange #makeitcount #canidothis #canyoudothis #ukblogger #femaleblogger #irishblogger

A friend talked about this with me, saying how so many single women friends of hers are on dating sites but how the parameters seem ‘skewed’ (at least, that was my understanding of our conversation).

Although in a happy partnership herself, she said that there seem to be a lot of single women on their own; actually, there are a lot of single men on their own too and maybe you are one of them, reading this blog and hoping for something fresh on the subject!

What my friend was asking was, why do women settle for something less than they really want? Well, I think that’s easy to fathom – loneliness, fed-up with not having a ‘plus one’, having to sort out everything in the home themselves, no-one to share life’s pleasures with…..the list is endless and it’s the same list that applies to men.

But her point was that on dating sites, the women she knows put into the criteria that they want someone of their own age or older. However, men of the same age apparently put that they want a female partner who’s a lot younger than them. Why is that? I guess it’s a sort of societal pressure – somehow, we’re not really comfortable with what we now know are called ‘cougar’ relationships, where an older woman dates a much younger man. Goodness knows why we have to label people in this way – does it matter?

I hope that some of the men who read my blogs might respond to this, saying what they think about it and if it’s true of them – if they use online dating sites, do they prefer younger women and, if so, why? (No judgments here – just interest).

This pattern is something that we see in the celebrity world and maybe copy to some extent – a lot of older rock stars, celebrities and male actors are seen with much younger women. That’s why so many people laughed, and still do, about Mrs Merton’s (Caroline Ahern) 1995 interview with Debbie McGee, wife of magician Paul Daniels, when she asked Debbie “So what first attracted you to the millionaire Paul Daniels?”.

But it’s more than just wealth – older men often seem wiser and more experienced in many areas of life so women of all ages are attracted to them, even if they’re not extremely wealthy. Older men can have more choice, it seems, than older women. No, it’s not fair but I think that a younger woman is a chance for a man to re-live his youth, and maybe do it better the second time around.

But what about the older women, I hear you say! Hmmm – well, it’s difficult and I’ve heard many negative experiences of dating sites, a lot of which lead women to question their own body image and communication skills. It’s very stressful and causes a lot of anxiety but I’m not suggesting that anyone gives up on the idea of finding a partner. There’s also something about the fact that, as women, we are often socialised to look after people, whether that’s children, elderly parents or indeed an older partner, so maybe there’s a bit of that in there too. 

Also, there are people out there who prioritise having views and interests in common with their partners over them having young, taut bodies. Okay, they’re harder to find on dating sites but that’s possibly because their relationships tend to last longer, but they definitely exist.

As you can tell, I don’t have an answer because we can’t change the mind of a society that mostly agrees that women appeal less as they grow older whereas men have the opportunity to become what is now called ‘a silver fox’. Things will change, but probably not in our lifetime.

So, are men in your age group overlooking a great opportunity? Almost certainly, yes. Are you missing out on a great opportunity because of this? Not so much – if men of your age aren’t interested in you, it’s very unlikely that they have hidden depths!

It may sound as if I’m critical of older men, but to some extent I think that they’re products of a society and environment that encourages this sort of thinking. It takes some imagination and character to break away from it.

If you’re a woman over 55 years old who’s reading this and is tired of this experience, I hope that you can still think of yourself as an interesting, attractive person who has a lot to offer. Whether you settle for less than you really want, is up to you

Hopefully you’ve found this blog helpful and interesting – if so, I’d love it if you bought me a coffee ☕ (see tab at top of page). Thank you so much.

You can see my blogs as soon as they are published (usually on Wednesdays) by pressing the ‘follow’ button and you can share them with your friends. You can also find me on LinkedIn, Instagram (samebutdifferent) and read my FB posts every week at Same But Different #samebutdifferent #relationships # issues #bloggerforever #lovewriting #livingchange #makeitcount #canidothis #canyoudothis #ukblogger #femaleblogger #irishblogger

We all meet people who are full of good intentions but that’s very different from a manipulator who will do whatever it takes to win, even if that means telling out-and-out lies. There are several things that a practised manipulator will do if and when you start standing up for yourself but recognising their game-plan is the first step:

• Gaslighting is one successful way that manipulators get their own way – it can make you doubt what you heard or felt when someone tries to create a different reality. It’s a powerful tactic where they might even completely deny something that took place but stand firm in your recollection of what actually happened.
• Another strategy is to try to isolate you from other friends and/or family because they understand the power of numbers. After all, when you stand alone you’re easier to control and it makes it harder to ask advice from others.

• Another thing they’re brilliant at is playing the victim – by casting themselves as being unfairly treated, they trigger our desire to comfort and often protect them but this is just a way of swaying you round to what they want – don’t let their theatrics change your thinking.
• Then there’s guilt-tripping – they do this by pointing out how much they’ve done for you and how much they’re hurting because you don’t seem grateful enough. That’s a great strategy for them because it’s designed to make you feel bad but don’t fall for it.
• If a manipulator feels their control is slipping away, they often resort to some sort of intimidation like raising their voices, becoming aggressive or threatening you with repercussions.
• Manipulators have an uncanny knack for remembering your past mistakes and using them to shift blame onto you. They want to divert attention away from what they’re doing and are clever in the way they manage to do this. If you challenge their behaviour, rather than address it, they respond by digging up one of your own past errors. Don’t fall for it – stay focused on the matter in hand.
• Something very clever that manipulators do is suddenly act in an extremely kind way, perhaps offering to help you with something or suggesting going for a drink together to catch up. These bouts of kindness may be genuine but it can be another manipulation to get you to forget why you were standing up for yourself in the first place.
• Finally, they might suddenly agree with you and you might think “At last, they’ve understood what I’ve been saying” but by agreeing with you, they encourage you to think there’s been a change but, as you may have found, things carry on in the same way as before. Think about that before you drop your guard.

Standing up for yourself isn’t wrong, nor is it unkind. Keep to your boundaries and don’t let anyone convince you that you’re mad or bad to do so. 

Hopefully you’ve found this blog helpful and interesting – if so, I’d love it if you bought me a coffee ☕ (see tab at top of page). Thank you so much.

You can see my blogs as soon as they are published (usually on Wednesdays) by pressing the ‘follow’ button and you can share them with your friends. You can also find me on LinkedIn, Instagram (samebutdifferent) and read my FB posts every week at Same But Different #samebutdifferent #relationships # issues #bloggerforever #lovewriting #livingchange #makeitcount #canidothis #canyoudothis #ukblogger #femaleblogger #irishblogger

Most of us have had a romantic breakup in our lives and it’s often absolutely devastating but if one or both of you have decided that your relationship has run its course, then you may have to eventually accept that even if you don’t want to.

I’ve written about some aspects of this before – see my blog ‘Can You Still Be Friends With Your Ex?’ posted on 13 July where I write about how you can stay friendly as long as certain boundaries are kept.  If you read that blog you’ll remember that even though you will almost certainly miss them, you’ll both need time and space to deal with all the difficult emotions.

If, after some time, you want to try to be friends, try not to fall into old patterns and habits. To maintain a friendship, you have to behave like friends so that will mean not doing things that you used to do when you were a couple. If you find yourself thinking “It’s like we never broke up”, it’s probably best to get back to maintaining a distance again.

Better still, avoid using social media so much – taking some time away from it can be very helpful and will mean that you won’t  end up looking at photos of ‘perfect couples’ as well as those of your ex, possibly with someone new. Try not to announce your breakup on social media and even though you might want to share the fact that your ex lied and cheated or did something else hurtful, it’s best not to go down that road.

So, if you’ve sorted that out in your mind, is this the time to do things differently, thinking about you and what you want. Even if you have children or other responsibilities, there are often things that you can do to put yourself first sometimes. In other words, the breakup can shake things up and often for the better!

You can use this time to create a regular self-care routine so that each day you do something that brings you some happiness. This can be seeing friends even though that can be hard – if  you were used to having someone to come home to after an evening out, it’s difficult not to dwell on that, especially if it was often a happy experience. But, you can do it and it will get easier with time (you may not believe this but give it a try anyway!). Spend some time on a hobby that you may have neglected and start exercising. If meditation’s more your thing, try to find some meditation on YouTube or download an app. to encourage you along the way.

This is the time to open up your curtains and let in the light, burn a scented candle as well as having a shower using all your favourite products.

Even though it’s hard to sleep well after a breakup, try to relax before bed and resist looking at your phone for the hour before you put the light out. Then there’s comfort eating – who hasn’t resorted to carb-filled food when feeling really down? It’s tempting to get through the evenings with a glass or two of wine to help you forget what’s happened too. Consider saving these for special times or just once a week.

There’s going to be a lot of sadness, confusion and loneliness as well as anger and grief in equal doses after a breakup but if you can write down your feelings, even illustrate them, you’ll find that it will help. Talking to someone you trust can be very comforting as well.

It won’t be easy and shaking things up will take time but one day, you will hopefully find that you like your new life and every minute of each day will no longer be filled with thoughts of your ex and the life you once shared.

Hopefully you’ve found this blog helpful and interesting – if so, I’d love it if you bought me a coffee ☕ (see tab at top of page). Thank you so much.

You can see my blogs as soon as they are published (usually on Wednesdays) by pressing the ‘follow’ button and you can share them with your friends. You can also find me on LinkedIn, Instagram (samebutdifferent) and read my FB posts every week at Same But Different #samebutdifferent #relationships # issues #bloggerforever #lovewriting #livingchange #makeitcount #canidothis #canyoudothis #ukblogger #femaleblogger #irishblogger