In our society, it’s often easier for people to shift blame to others than being accountable for what they’ve said or done. This is because it allows them to avoid their own difficult emotions like shame and guilt. Shifting responsibility in this way validates those individuals who want to avoid owning up to make mistakes – it’s a way of escaping the consequences of what they’ve said or done.

There are usually reasons why this happens, often to do with their own background where perhaps blame was a big part of their family dynamics or where they were taught to fight for everything and not give up.  However, whatever the reasons, this behaviour can make life very difficult for those on the receiving end, not least because other people often collude with the bad behaviour to stop the focus being put on them instead. Some phrases that toxic people use are:

•  “You’re over-sensitive” – easy to say, this is often used by the toxic person, but the truth is that your sensitivity is often due to the fact that they’re insensitive and steam-roller over your feelings. It’s important to challenge any of your self-doubt when they say this because it’s their lack of empathy that’s the real issue.
• “You’re being totally unreasonable” – this is often their response to you trying to put down some boundaries. They argue that their actions are totally justified.
• “It’s all your fault” – this stems from the toxic person’s refusal to take responsibility for their actions. In other words, it’s your attitude that’s the problem. If you’re ever going to navigate a relationship like this, at work or in your personal life, it essential to recognise that you’re not always at fault, but that they’re deflecting blame and have an inability to accept responsibility for anything that they say or do.
• “You always make a mess of things” – this is another way of them avoiding responsibility for what they’ve said or done. Despite your best efforts, things go pear-shaped because they’re derailed by the other person interfering and insisting that their way is best.
• “You’re making a big deal out of nothing” – this is classic gaslighting when a toxic person belittles your concerns which are often due to their dismissive behaviour.
• They’re critical of the decisions you make but cloak this with suggesting that they’re only trying to help you (if only……).
• They cast blame without asking for an explanation but, as you may have found, your explanation is never adequate.
• Toxic people are often (but not always) very active in community activities and they like to take the lead so that they can exercise more control.
• They befriend people that they perceive are ‘needy’ or have less power than themselves do.
• Lastly, but certainly not least, if you still don’t agree with them after they’ve tried to persuade you that your ideas or thoughts are wrong, they lose their temper and shout or become very aggressive. Frightening!

Most of us have met people like this and, interestingly, they’re often admired by the wider community who don’t see the other side of this person until they themselves come under fire.

So, that’s how you can recognise a toxic person, but what can you do about it?

First of all, it’s alright to reject their ‘advice’ (often unasked for); this can mean finding your way through difficult conversations whilst standing your ground and setting your own personal boundaries.

Toxic people often complain about others and always have a new story about someone who, in their eyes, has done something wrong. If they turn their attention to you, refuse to accept blame-shifting phrases and try responding with a simple “I’m sorry that you feel that way. I don’t agree with you and I think we need to leave it at that”. They probably won’t be able to leave it though as they have to be right and have the last word.

At this point, you can only refuse to engage with them any longer, walking away if necessary. It’s sad if you’ve had good times and a long history together, but respecting yourself and refusing to be dominated by a toxic person is paramount.

This is the time to move towards fostering much healthier relationships in the future.

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