Tag Archives: Anger

Bottling Up Emotions

On 9 March 2021 the comedian Jennifer Saunders spoke about her long marriage to Adrian Edmondson saying “”We are masters of keep it in, get over it, move on”. (see link below).

https://www.femalefirst.co.uk/tv/news/jennifer-saunders-never-argues-husband-1285266.html

As a counsellor and psychotherapist, this is not something I’d usually recommend although it certainly seems to work for Jennifer. However, she does go onto say that she often talks to her co-star, Dawn French, who, I quote, “helps me sort out my feelings about things and people’.

But, for a lot of people, talking about their feelings within relationships (whether that’s with a partner, family member or friend) is necessary so that resentments don’t build up and so that they can interact in a healthy way.

So, how to go about creating this emotional intimacy?

First of all, think about what or who has disappointed you, how it’s impacted on you and how you feel. It’s alright to say that you’re not sure about how you feel, that you’re confused and have mixed emotions.

If you’re struggling with talking about deep topics, ask yourself why this is. Maybe it taps into fears of being abandoned or rejected but if one person consistently avoids deeper subjects, anger can escalate or, the other extreme, one person shuts down their underlying emotions to try to keep the peace.

But, it’s the deep emotions that often keep a meaningful connection and it also stops ongoing negative patterns where communication is concerned.

So, how to start the conversation? Well, first of all, don’t say “we need to talk” which can make the other person feel like a five-year old, but instead say “I need to talk”. That shows that you know what you’re going to say is subjective. Following on from that, speak ‘adult to adult’ rather than parent to child. If you feel that you’re getting into a parental role with the other person, who will feel as if they’re being ‘told off’, make a conscious effort to get back to a place where you’re communicating as equals.

Remember, the person you’re interacting doesn’t exist to satisfy your every emotional need. Although your feelings are important, the other person has a right to feel differently and have their own feelings. Sometimes, ultimately you may have to agree to differ, even if that’s very frustrating.

Be patient with each other – differences often mean that you’re both experiencing things differently.

Lastly, don’t underestimate non-verbal communication. A light touch on the arm or a kiss on the cheek shows the other person that ultimately you’re thinking of them in a kind and loving way.

You can read my blogs as soon as they are published (usually on Wednesdays) by pressing the ‘follow’ button and you can share them with your friends. You can also find me on Linked In, Instagram (samebutdifferent) and read my FB posts at Same But Different.

#anger #relationships #self-esteem #sexuality #social anxiety

Communication is vital for a lot of couples

Do You Sometimes Feel That You’re Being Judged?

Feeling judged?

A judgmental person is usually describes someone who judges others, often without good reason – it’s almost always negative. As well as hurting other people’s feelings, even when that isn’t necessarily meant in a harmful way, being judgmental about others people can affect your own self-esteem and happiness.

As you may have found, judgmental people are everywhere! You might even be one of them without even realising it. But, if you’re the one feeling judged, how can you deal with it so that it doesn’t drag you down? Here are a few ideas:

  • Try to look at it as a life lesson. View every interaction with a judgmental person as a bit of a ‘test’ that you’re going to try to pass. You can either respond with negativity, attack them back or choose a positive response. By that I mean, try to turn around what they said and give it a positive spin.
  • Be compassionate. People aren’t born judgmental so something will have happened to them to make them like that. Maybe their family judged them along with everything else and it’s the only way they know. It doesn’t make their behaviour any better but you may be able to find a bit of empathy for them. As the Dalai Lama said “If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion”.
  • Most of us find this pretty difficult and assume that someone’s doing or saying something because of us. However, highly judgmental people find fault with everyone (and everything!), especially themselves. They always behave like this, whatever the circumstances. If you protect yourself against the opinions and actions of other people, you won’t suffer unnecessarily.
  • Look beyond what is the obvious and, as I said earlier, most judgmental people are very critical of themselves. Often, what they’re saying about you or someone else is a reflection of how they feel about themselves. Try to remember that when they’re making a judgmental comment about you or someone else.
  • Look upon them as children – if you can do that, you can extend it to not expecting them (children) to know everything and tolerating bad behaviour. Of course, we think that once a person’s an adult they should know better, having worked a lot of things out. However, many adults don’t really “get it” so if you can think of them as a child who’s still learning and growing, it will be easier to be more compassionate.
  • Maybe someone in your family is particularly judgmental of you – obviously that’s difficult but try to put their behaviour into context and try to find some positives in the situation (not easy, I know!) but if you try to focus on other family members who value you, that will help.
  • Remember, you don’t have to believe them. Just because someone judges you, doesn’t mean that what they’re saying is right or true! Most of these judgements are someone else’s opinion – they take pleasure in dragging someone else down but that doesn’t mean that you have to take their ideas on board!
  • Finally, focus your attention on the other people who support and love you. If you can avoid or remove the judgmental person from your life, all well and good. But if it’s a family member or your boss, try to put some distance between you when possible. Surround yourself with people who love you and want what’s best for yo

Please do comment on my blog if you have found it interesting, useful or otherwise. You can see my blogs as soon as they are published (usually on Wednesdays) by pressing the ‘follow’ button and you can share them with your friends. You can also find me on Linked In, Instagram (samebutdifferent) and read my FB posts at Same But Different.