Author Archives: samebutdifferentblogger

About samebutdifferentblogger

Hello. I'm a Counsellor and Psychotherapist with twenty-five years experience of counselling clients from a variety of settings. I've worked as a Counsellor in a GP surgery, as part of a team counselling clients in a local government setting as well as mor recently having my own private practice and seeing clients on a longer-term basis. I've also worked as an Associate Lecturer in Psychology. I have now decided to focus on blogging about the experiences and issues that clients have brought to me over the years. I hope that you find my blogs interesting - please do comment if you would like to do so. I realise that comments might not always be positive, but it's all a learning curve for me!

Friends, But You Really Want More?

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In my last blog on 13 July, I wrote about whether you can really be friends with your ex and how, in theory, that’s possible if you both want it and already have a lot in common, especially if there’s a shared history too.

However, that’s very different from being friends in the first place but the relationship has never gone further than that, but now you’d like it to progress to something deeper, preferably including romance and sex.

First of all, if you’re in that position – you like them a lot, you’ve been friends for ages but, actually, you really fancy them and like to take things to the next level – you might feel awkward about doing anything about it. So, you need to test the water by talking to them, maybe saying that you’re feelings have changed, grown deeper, or however you want to phrase it. Remember, ‘nothing ventured, nothing gained’.

If they pull away, it’s awkward, but it’s also important not to blame yourself or think that there’s something wrong with you. Going down that path will only lead to more pain and hurt but if you can be there for them as a friend again, the awkwardness will slowly disappear. It may not be what you want but staying friends means that you’re still an important part of their life.

It won’t be easy if you’re physically attracted too them, but nor will it be impossible. It’s hard seeing someone whilst your feelings for them are still really strong, but if you really care for them, you’ll make it work.

One thing to take into account is how they told you that they didn’t like you “in that way” – if they were hurtful in what they said, you could challenge them on that otherwise it will come between you. Emphasise that it’s not what they said so much as the way they said it. Not wanting to take things further isn’t a reason to be nasty about it.

Time passing may mean that they change their minds, but don’t wait around thinking that this might happen. You’ve tested it out, they said “no” and now you have to try to get your previous friendship back on an even keel.

To do this, turn to other friends in your life and spend more time with them; try to distract yourself from what you hoped might come about and appreciate all that you’ve been through together and separately. Don’t forget all those great conversations that you’ve had, all the fun times and what you’ve learned from them. Those things are still there and for the friendship to thrive again, they need to continue. So, carry on thinking of fun things to do together, still have their best interests at heart and don’t try to ‘fix’ them.

Sometimes, people need a gentle push in a certain direction, but you can’t do that for them and it’s not healthy to even try. Any changes that they make have to come from them and be what they want. Some friendships last forever, but if this isn’t one of them, you have to try to accept that the future looks different from how you hoped. That acceptance is the key to being happy and contented in the here and now.

You can see my blogs as soon as they are published (usually on Wednesdays) by pressing the ‘follow’ button and you can share them with your friends. You can also find me on LinkedIn, Instagram (samebutdifferent) and read my FB posts at Same But Different. #loss #depression #mentalhealth #anger #melancholy

Can You Really Stay Friends With Your Ex?

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In theory, it’s possible to stay friendly with your ex and, in some cases, it’s very reasonable – after all, if he or she was someone that you have a lot in common with, have shared different experiences with and hold the same values, why not? If you have children together, it can be especially beneficial as it helps with the flow of information and when you’re managing your different schedules (in theory at least).

But whether it actually works in practice is another thing altogether because sometimes it can make it harder to successfully put that relationship behind you if one of you starts dating other people. In an ideal world, if it’s what you both want, you’ll both find new partners and everyone will get on really well, even holidaying together and spending birthdays and Christmases together in some cases.

So this is when it can work:

You’ve both accepted that the relationship is well and truly over.
You both understand why you broke up.
Your relationship with one another is no longer full of emotion – it feels similar to your other friendships.
You can both handle appropriate boundaries and, more importantly, manage any nostalgic feelings that might come up without getting any deeper than that.
You’re both comfortable and happy dating other people and it’s what you want for one another.

But, maybe it’s time to cut ties if:

One of you is still secretly hoping you’ll get back together.
You know that, really, your ex isn’t fully over you.
You’re holding onto what you once had because you’re scared to separate your lives and start to live independently of one another.
If you’re the one who ended it and you feel guilty about that, sensing that somehow you ‘owe’ them some attention.
Your ex actually still occupies a lot of your time, energy and thoughts.
The thought of them with someone else makes you feel upset.
Being friends with them just doesn’t seem to work.

So, although you might decide that you can’t be friends at the moment, that doesn’t mean that things can’t or won’t change in the future. You might eventually come together in a new sort of friendship but that might take time, whether it be months or years ahead.

A key thing is to set some boundaries if you are hoping to be friends, such as how much information you share about your personal lives, how much time you spend alone together and how you emotionally rely on one another.

So, to sum up, give it time before you hurtle into a friendship that you’re not actually ready for, make sure you’re actually over one other and remember that any friendship will need to be different from the relationship you once had. And, it’s alright if you decide that it’s too emotionally complicated for you and hopefully you can explain that you need more time before you can be true friends. A friendship isn’t always possible and accepting that in itself is a big step forward.

Find That You Keep Repeating Mistakes?

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It can be overspending so that you get into debt or other issues like always picking unhealthy relationships, whether it be with partners or friends.

Maybe our brains are actually designed to repeat mistakes although this isn’t yet fully understood, but it could be that we tend to focus on what we’ve done wrong (or perceive that we’ve done wrong) rather than looking at what we’ve done right.

For instance, a study that was published in the Journal of the Academy of Marketing Science showed that if you focus on your past spending mistakes, it doesn’t stop you having shopping spree; quite the opposite in fact! But if someone focuses on good future outcomes where spending is concerned, they’re more likely to stop making poor financial choices.

One thing that I’ve noticed over the years is that people who grew up without a lot of boundaries don’t always know how to draw a line in their own adult lives. If you grow up not seeing your parents or care-givers establish limits, whether that’s around food, time-keeping or shouting about the slightest little thing, it’s harder to establish those boundaries yourself. You may disagree with this – after all, some people grow up thinking that above all, they’re going to be different from their parents and they set out to do that as soon as possible. If their parents were bad time-keepers, they always make a point of being punctual – and good for them.

If people are criticised a lot as children, they often grow up doubting themselves and any decisions that they make.

Sadly, any sort of abuse, whether emotional, physical or sexual, leaves children unconsciously believing that they don’t deserve good things and they make decisions as adults that prove that such assumptions are actually correct when that’s not necessarily the case.

So how can you avoid making the same mistakes again and again? Well, it’s not instant and takes some work but here are a few things that will help:

Learn goal setting that works. One way of doing this is making your goals achievable – in other words, one step at a time. If things don’t go according to plan, have a back-up that will still help you achieve your goal, maybe by a different route.
Focus on the future – as I said above, focussing on what we did wrong makes us more likely to do the same thing again so visualise how you want things to look in the future.
Stop beating yourself up if things go wrong – self-compassion is a good route to self-esteem and ultimately helps with decision-making.

As with anything, there will be blips along the way, but if you keep trying to look at your decisions and break any unhealthy patterns, eventually you’ll start having confidence in what you’ve achieved and what’s still left to achieve.

Caught Up In Yet Another Family Crisis?

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Maybe your family doesn’t have a lot of conflict – in which case, lucky you – but if you often find that there’s friction, falling-out and shouting in your immediate or wider family, read on.

Although it’s normal to disagree with family members at times, if there are often arguments it can become very stressful and sometimes damaging too. Because people have different beliefs and values, it stands to reason that we won’t always agree with other people in the family. But, it’s how we deal with those differences that’s the key to calmer times.

Some families are very good at smoothing over differences and agreeing to differ on certain things, but for others it becomes almost impossible to agree to differ on certain subjects and there are often family members who become intentionally aggressive and hurtful.

It can be quite disconcerting to find that people growing up in the same family have such opposing beliefs and values, especially when it comes to disciplining children, experiencing a health crisis or being redundant. Basically, we want members of our own families to understand us and our needs, but they too have needs that might not be met during difficult times.

So, what can you do if you find this often happens in your family?

Well, one thing is that it’s better not to label people in your family – see my last blog published on 1 June regarding this very subject! If you find yourself saying things like “Well, that’s the way Joe is – he’s always been selfish”, try to think about whether that’s actually true or it’s just a shortcut to glossing over what’s happening.

That’s another point though – some people want to gloss over contentious subjects and not look any deeper into them and sometimes that’s more difficult to deal with than someone who gets into arguments very quickly.

If you can stand back from a situation, it can help enormously – it’s more likely that you’ll find some sort of resolution then. If you take the view “mine’s the right way and yours is the wrong way” it immediately polarises people, as well as irritating them. Of course, we all think that we’re right but trying to understand the other person or people is the first step towards a resolution. To understand, we have to really listen to what they’re saying and even if it sounds preposterous don’t write it off immediately. There’s a reason why they think that, even you feel that it’s an uninformed opinion.

If you find that you’re too angry to listen to them, suggest walking away and cooling down before resuming a conversation. That doesn’t mean ‘sweeping it under the carpet’, but coming back with clearer ideas of what you might say in future discussion. A conversation might begin with “I felt really upset when we talked before, but I really want to understand where you’re coming from. Could you start again and tell me what it is that you like/dislike about this?”

Some stages that families find difficult to negotiate are:

Birth of a baby – a reason to celebrate but it’s then that people realise that they have very different ideas about the whole process from breast feeding to education (and a million things in between!).
A young person becoming an adult
Separation and divorce – a big source of conflict in most families as people tend to ‘take sides’ and feel very strongly about what’s happened.
Changes in financial circumstances – other family members often have opinions about what you should do if you’re poorer or wealthier, for whatever reason, than previously. More money can cause envy, less can escalate people into resentments or, if they’re lucky enough not to be in that position, they often have an opinion about the person whose finances have changed. Unfortunately, they often feel the need to express that opinion, even if it’s unasked for!
A new job – if this means longer travelling time to work, this in itself can cause conflict as that person may not be so available for family get-togethers or to help out in ways that they used to.

So, the list is endless, but ultimately it comes down to trying to understand what’s happening and then navigating through it.

So, work out if an issue is really worth fighting over and then, if you feel that it is, keep in mind that the idea is to resolve the conflict, not necessarily win the argument.

Then (and this can be a hard one!), remember that other people aren’t obliged to agree with you about everything. They’re allowed their own opinions so try to respect what they’re saying and stick to the topic, not bring in other things from the past that are no longer relevant.

After that, try to find some common ground and work on that rather than the differences but ultimately recognise that you might have to agree to disagree.

If you can find some peace within your family and find some resolutions to any conflict that’s occurred, that’s priceless really – a happy family life is to be treasured, especially when things are particularly hard going.

Isn’t It Time That We Stopped Labelling One Another?

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We all do it – dish out labels without always thinking about it and that’s partly because it’s easier for us to comparmentalise certain behaviours. By labelling others, we’re really saying “I’m not like that”.

But people are contradictory and complicated – a mixture of feelings, actions and thoughts and labels don’t allow for this complexity; for instance, we might say “he’s so selfish” but although that person might be very selfish some of the time, at other times they will show kindness and selflessness – to believe that they are made up of that one trait is short-sighted.

In other words, labels are rarely helpful long-term as they blind us to the diversity of life and people. It’s as if, by labelling them, we can then make assumptions about their entire personalities but labels are subjective and your label isn’t any more right than someone else’s.

As a Counsellor and Psychotherapist, I can see how people can change but if we label them, it’s difficult for others to recognise this change. For instance, if they’re seen as ‘a commitment phobe’, they can be judged on that by their friends and jokes will be made about how they can’t commit to a relationship, whereas that person might have looked at why they’ve previously found commitment difficult and looked at ways to turn that around so that, going forward, they’re ready for a different sort of relationship.

Even labelling someone in a positive way isn’t always helpful. If you’re always seen as kind and helpful, never creating waves, it’s hard to then be assertive and say that you’re not happy about something both at work and home. There’s a lot of pressure to always live up to that label and sometimes it’s too much.

Labels can be self-fulfilling too; if you’re always told that you’re stupid and will never do anything with your life, you will end up believing this and not pushing yourself to do better educationally or socially.

Another reason that it’s unhelpful to label people is that you can cut yourself off from those with whom you might get on well, even call friends, but they have a label that you can’t or won’t identify with and you find that scary. If a group is labelled in a negative light, it will affect your view of everyone in that group.

Labels can make us feel superior too; if you label yourself and/or your partner as one thing that you think is good, anyone who doesn’t come under the same label isn’t seen as ‘good’ as you. If you’re home is immaculate, it’s easy to label someone who’s standards aren’t as high as ‘sloppy or lazy’ whereas they may have reasons for different standards which could include tiredness, not enough hours to clean thoroughly or just different priorities. ‘Different’ isn’t necessarily ‘worse’.

So, labels are too simple to be able to describe someone, but they do turn the person into an object, to be viewed with superiority. So, let’s be more flexible with our perceptions about others – it might open up other possibilities and bring new people and interests into our lives that we’ve never explored before.