Author Archives: samebutdifferentblogger

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About samebutdifferentblogger

Hello. I'm a Counsellor and Psychotherapist with twenty-five years experience of counselling clients from a variety of settings. I've worked as a Counsellor in a GP surgery, as part of a team counselling clients in a local government setting as well as mor recently having my own private practice and seeing clients on a longer-term basis. I've also worked as an Associate Lecturer in Psychology. I have now decided to focus on blogging about the experiences and issues that clients have brought to me over the years. I hope that you find my blogs interesting - please do comment if you would like to do so. I realise that comments might not always be positive, but it's all a learning curve for me!

Still Allowing Toxic People To Rule Your Life?

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‘Toxic’ is a word that’s used a lot now but what does it really mean? The dictionary definition of toxic is poisonous, unacceptable or unpleasant and associating with people like this can make you very unhappy and stressed over a period of time.

One problem is that it’s sometimes difficult to work out when someone in your life is toxic but this post aims to help you work out who they are and how you might deal with them (if you want to!).

Most of us have people in our lives that we endlessly try to please and if you question them, they’ll behave in a surprised manner and label you ‘over-sensitive’ or tell you that you’re ‘misinterpreting’ what they said. By spotting this behaviour, you can start minimising their impact on your life. You can’t change the way they are but you can change the way you deal with it.

Here’s how it works:

  1. They keep you guessing – they do this by being lovely one day and then the next day there’s a complete change. You never know where you are with them and that’s very unsettling. If you can accept that and recognize that they won’t change, you won’t get sucked into their behaviour patterns.
  2. They tend to sulk – there isn’t always anything obvious to explain why this is and if you ask them, they’ll probably answer “nothing”, but the sigh or raised eyebrow gives it away. You might find yourself doing everything you can to put things right. Once you stop trying to please them and recognize that because you’ll never achieve it, it can be a big release.
  3. They blame you for things that weren’t your fault – in other words, they project their own feelings and thoughts onto you because they won’t take responsibility for them. Walk away and return when it has passed. You’re not responsible for someone else’s feelings and unless you’ve done something wrong (in which case, it’s time to apologise), there’s no need to put up with this.
  4. They manipulate you – this can be a very clever tactic because often it’s disguised by their apparent helpfulness. They’ll push something onto you in some way and then turn it around so that it looks as if they were actually trying to help. For instance “I left that for you to do because I thought you’d appreciate the chance to show off your skills”.
  5. They often change arrangements to suit themselves and make it sound acceptable. What this really means is that they consider their life more important than yours! You don’t have to agree to the change(s) though and can state that the original plan was better for you and that you’re not going to change.
  6. They will say that it’s about the way you’re talking rather than what you’re actually talking about. By moving the issue away from the original issue, you’ll find that you’re defending the manner you talked about it, your gestures or choice of words. Try to get back to the original issue by saying “we can talk about that later – let’s keep to what we originally started speaking about”.
  7. They rarely apologise – in fact, they’d rather lie than do so and will twist the story, changing the way it happened very convincingly so that even they believe it! However, you don’t need an apology to move forward – without them.
  8. They are often there in a crisis but don’t share any joy when things go well for you, often by being negative about, say, a promotion that you’ve had. “The money won’tbe that great considering how much work you’ll have to do”. Another classic response is “very interesting” when talking about one of your achievements, making it sound as boring as paint drying. Don’t let them dampen your spirits – you don’t need them to approve of what you’ve achieved.
  9. They’re very judgmental – even though we’re all wrong at times, toxic people will make sure that you know about the mistakes that you’ve made. Unless you’ve done something that really affects other people adversely, no-one has the right to stand in judgement.

If you know the characteristics of a toxic person, you’ll find it much easier to stop tying yourself into knots trying to please them. You can avoid them altogether or, if that’s not possible, learn how to distance yourself and not keep trying to please them.

Celebrity Culture

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Do we, as a society, think that being famous is the most important thing in the world? Sometimes, it seems like that!

The term ‘celebrity culture’ implies that there’s something childish and almost demeaning about the need to her-worship a famous person that we don’t know. It can almost seem passive and inferior, making us look inadequate and have chosen escapism to avoid other part of our lives.

However, surely fame itself isn’t always a bad thing – without famous people we wouldn’t always be aware of charitable causes that need our donations and help and without actors who are famous we’d miss some great theatre and art.

Maybe there’s an impulse to admire others that we don’t actually know and certainly, when I work on self-esteem with clients, I encourage them to have a role model, someone they admire, who might or might not be famous but has attributes of confidence, vitality and sociability that they might try to emulate in a positive way.

However, on the down side, most of us have read or heard about celebrities who wish that they could just go shopping for groceries without being recognised and it often seems that they experience loss of self and even a mistrust of those people around them.

From the perspective of someone who’s feeling lonely or doesn’t get enough recognition from their families or partner, thousands of strangers online can fill that space and with social media and online forums, that’s easily done. Chasing fame can also seem a way to achieve wealth in a way that wouldn’t usually be possible, particularly if someone comes from a poor background where there’s a poverty of expectation.

There’s also a side to our culture where we love to see famous people fail – we tend to treat celebrities as if they’re part of a soap opera and pore over their successes but more importantly for some, their failures, comebacks and sudden deaths. We’re able to do this now because everything is online and we can get a new episode hourly on an endless basis.

However, when 51 percent of 18 to 25 year olds polled think that they will be famous one day, what does that say about our society? Television targets children and places more value on fame than in previous decades. But surely we need to stop obsessing about it and wasting lives on dreams that can’t be fulfilled?

There’s nothing wrong with having ambition and goals – achieving short-term goals leading to bigger goals and achievements is a great thing to help people with self-esteem and it’s something I work on a lot with clients. Part of that is setting realistic goals, otherwise people can dip down into feeling anxious and depressed because they can’t achieve what they set out to do.

Basing  your life on what celebrities do, or appear to do, wanting to dress like them and be in the public eye isn’t realistic for most of us and doesn’t guarantee happiness by any means.

Compulsive Buyer……

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Although we need food, clothes and transport some people find that their buying habits get out of control. Sometimes this is called being a “shopaholic” or indulging in “retail therapy” and is often quite harmless if the person doing the buying can afford to do so and it doesn’t take over their life.

However, sometimes it can get out of control if the goods feed a psychological urge which relates to identity, values and image. In other words, buying some things can offer a sort of psychological crutch to some of us. If must-have items include excessive buying of labelled products, things that the person might not even wear or use, then there’s usually a problem.

This can start if people wants to feel better about themselves or it can be a weapon to express anger in some way.  It might be an attempt to hold onto someone else’s love by buying their affection.  Equally, it might be a way of trying to fit into a society which seems to be more and more obsessed with appearances. Sometimes it can be a distraction to help avoid other issues in their lives – it’s not always simple…..

Some television programmes have endeavoured to help the issue of compulsive buying more easily understood and one of the things to come out of such programmes is that the frantic purchasing often starts after there’s been a trauma in someone’s life. This could be a severe illness (“life’s too short to start counting every penny”), or they’ve lost someone close to them, either through death or the end of a relationship.  Instead of eating compulsively, they start buying things to fill that empty space they feel inside.

Compulsive buyers come from all sorts of social backgrounds and for some it can be a way of saying “look, I’m successful. I have all these lovely things and I feel a better person for it”. Added to this, there’s now so much to buy and a huge amount of advertising which reach nearly everyone, whatever their circumstances. If someone is materialistic and believes that possessions are the key to happiness, they will also define themselves and others by what they wear and obtain (car, house, holidays).

A person with non-materialistic values will find happiness in other ways, not connected to obtaining goods and things.

On a short-term basis, buying things does improve self-image and perception but this soon wears off and then the cycle has to begin again to get that ‘feel good’ factor.

However, going on the occasional shopping spree doesn’t mean that you’re a compulsive shopper who definitely has problems but if you find things are getting out of hand and that you shop whenever you’re feeling low and stressed, it may be time to think about it a bit harder.

Compulsive shoppers usually fall into one of the following categories:

  • Those people who shop when they’re feeling emotionally distressed.
  • Those who want to cultivate the image of being a big spender
  • Bargain-seekers who buy things, even if they don’t need them, because they’re in a sale or on special offer.
  • People who are always searching for the perfect item.
  • Those collectors who don’t feel they’re complete until they have one item in every colour in a set.
  • What is known as ‘bulimic shoppers’ who are caught in a cycle of buying and then returning goods each time.

So how can you stop these binges before they get out of control and you end up in serious debt:

  • Make a list and only buy what’s on the list (sounds easy but it’s often hard to do!).
  • Use cash more, credit and debit cards less – it’s too easy to feel you’re hardly spending anything if you use cards.
  • Avoid special offers, discount warehouses and anything that seems ‘too good to resist’. If you do visit discount centres only take a certain amount of cash with you.
  • Don’t watch TV shopping channels and don’t order goods online.
  • If you feel the urge to shop, go out for a walk, exercise or use some other distraction to avoid it.
  • Although you want to treat your family and friends, set a limit to the amount you’ll spend and stick to it, however difficult that might be.
  • Try to destroy all your credit cards except one that you can use for emergencies only.

If you feel that your shopping is getting out of control, consider counselling to look at this and develop strategies to control it.

Pets -They Mean The World To Us

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Living in England, it’s clear that pets are very important to us – many households now have a family pet, often a dog or cat but sometimes a hamster, guinea pig, rabbit or gerbil.  Although we don’t know exactly when this started, we do know that thousands of years ago our ancestors probably kept some wolves around, probably because they were useful for hunting.

Eventually, they became domesticated and now, keeping a pet has become part of many cultures. That may seem strange when you think that it’s quite a costly business – meals and healthcare can mount up. However, now that they are very much part of peoples’ families, most people don’t begrudge this.

What does your pet mean to you?  Although dogs can be time-consuming (training, walks twice a day, finding holiday accommodation for them…..) we get a lot back from them. Unconditional love and companionship are a big part of this and we can get this from cats and other pets too, although they don’t always need quite so much attention as dogs.

So what is it that’s so appealing about pets? Well here are some of the reasons:

  • A lot of pets are really smart – this is often demonstrated by their ‘sixth sense’ when they know something’s amiss. Some pets, usually dogs, can be trained to sense when their owner is going to have an epileptic fit and warn them of this. Many dogs are trained to assist visually impaired and hearing impaired people and this is invaluable in our society.
  • Sometimes they seem to show more empathy than human members of our families! They often sense our sadness and will snuggle up closer to give us warmth and solace.
  • They really seem to love us and show great loyalty; this may be because we feed and care for them, but maybe there’s no need to analyse the reasons – they love us and that’s enough!
  • Because we’re mostly a social species and often seeking relationships with others, this includes our pets. Keeping a pet, especially a dog, is a good way of meeting other people through walking your dog through the same places, often at the same times, each day. The people you meet will already have something common with you – they too love dogs! It’s a good start to friendship. With cats, there are online sites which help you to connect with pet owners, showing videos and sharing photographs – it’s a big online community out there.
  • Animals show some of the same feelings as we do including grieving – they form deep bonds and connections and seem to be sad and ‘lost’ if their owner dies.
  • Like a lot of humans, they like and need stability and security – it keeps them happy and it keeps a lot of us happy too.

Losing a pet is a huge thing and, like any other family member, death is hard to come to terms with. You will go through all the feelings of loss in the same way you would with other family members or friends.  Don’t deny yourself this – it’s important to recognise that your pet has been a huge part of your life and can’t just be replaced.

The Emotional Effects of Physical Illness

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illness 2At some time in our lives, many of us will have a serious illness or love someone who has a serious illness. Both the illness itself and the treatment for it usually affects the ways we think and feel. There are often a lot of emotional effects from illness including:

  • Anxiety and depression (constant worrying thoughts, fearing the worst, constant feelings of unhappiness)
  • Tension and pains in our muscles, brought about by stress rather than the actual illness
  • Feeling unable to relax at all
  • Dizziness
  • Feeling faint
  • Indigestion
  • Difficulty in sleeping/early waking
  • Irritability
  • Losing interest in sex
  • Loss of self-confidence
  • Feelings of hopelessness and despair

Even with improved medical treatments and people surviving very serious illnesses nowadays, there’s still the feeling that things might go very wrong and we will die. The emotional impact can be overwhelming and can affect our relationships, how we socialise, our work and our spiritual beliefs if we have a faith. These effects can, in themselves, make us feel isolated from family and friends.

It’s easy to feel that other people don’t understand, even those closest to you, and that’s why it’s important to talk to the people around you and make sure that your family and friends know that you need them at this time. Don’t put on a ‘brave face’ if that’s not how you’re feeling even though you don’t want to upset them.

If they’re trying to support a loved one, or a child, with a serious illness, try to listen to what they’re saying and understand what they’re going through. If the illness is successfully treated, they will eventually feel better emotionally but this will take time. It’s important to understand that some drug treatments, such as steroids, affect the way the brain works and can cause anxiety and depression.

If it’s you or your partner who has a serious illness, both of you may feel worried about how you will cope, how your relationship will survive and how you will manage financially.  Don’t be surprised if you feel resentful and angry – this is normal because your lives have been turned upside down and, unless you got together when one of you already knew they were ill, it’s not what you expected.

It’s often difficult to ask for help with anxiety or depression, particularly when we’re physically ill because we don’t want to appear ungrateful to the medical staff who are providing physical care, it’s hard to admit we’re not coping and we often think nothing can be done about it. If you’ve been anxious and depressed in the past, you may feel that friends and family think it’s part of being ‘you’ but whether or not that’s the case, you will need as much support as possible at such a difficult time.

If you’re in pain, everything is more difficult to bear and if your mobility is affected, it will mean that you’re very dependent upon others for your most basic needs. Where your relationship is concerned, this may mean that your partner also becomes your carer and this is something that couples often find incredibly difficult. The intimate things that you once kept to yourself, can no longer be private and this will almost inevitably affect your sex life. However, it doesn’t mean that it will always be the case – this is a testing time, but with patience you may well be able to work through it together. Again, talking about your fears is a way of working through them; try to bear in mind that this hopefully won’t be your lives forever and if the prognosis is good, life will return to some sort of normality.

One of the more likely times to experience anxiety and/or depression when you’re physically ill is when you’re first told about your illness. Another time is after having major surgery and when there are unpleasant side-effects from treatment. If your illness isn’t responding to treatment, that’s a source of huge worry and anxiety and it’s natural to feel devastated by this.

If the illness comes back after it seemed as if things were improving, a recurrence of, say, a second heart attack can seem even more devastating than the first time.

When an illness is progressive, like multiple sclerosis or rheumatoid arthritis, this is very difficult to come to terms with, whether you’re the sufferer or it’s your partner or sibling who has the illness. A progressive illness has long-term implications for everyone, but there are organisations which can provide support and information (see below).

If you are caring for someone close to you with a progressive illness, recognise that you need to care for yourself too, otherwise life will become too difficult to cope well. Because a progressive illness has consequences regarding life insurance and mortgages it’s important to seek professional advice as soon as possible, regarding this.

Financially, if one of you isn’t able to work, things will be difficult – make sure that you know of any benefits that you’re eligible for and apply before things become untenable and you run up debts.

The following can also be a huge support:

Macmillan Cancer Support: Seven days a week from 8a.m. to 8p.m. Freephone 0808 808 00  http://www.macmillan.org.uk . For help with money worries and advice about work, to someone who’ll listen if you just want to talk

Arthritis Care: helpline:  0300 790 0400 email: info@arthritiscare.org.uk. Provides information and support for patients with arthritis and their families and carers.

Multiple Sclerosis UK: helpline: 0808 800 8000 Provides information on multiple sclerosis (MS), including MS and depression, plus there’s a forum for sufferers to post their views and how they’re feeling.

National Kidney Federation: helpline: 0800 169 09 36; email: Helpline@kidney.org.uk. Provides support services for patients with kidney disease and answers questions that you may have.

Samaritans: helpline: 116 123(UK) and 116 123 (republic of Ireland) ; email: jo@samaritans.org. 24 hour service, 7 days a week. National organisation offering support to those in distress who feel suicidal or despairing and need someone to talk to.

Epilepsy Action: helpline: 0113 210 8800 (UK); Freephone helpline: 0808 800 5050  email: epilepsy@epilepsy.org.uk. Provides information and support for people with epilepsy.

British Heart Foundation Heart helpline: 0300 330 331. Plenty of information available on their website and there’s an e.mail form to contact them.

British Lung Foundation: helpline: 03000 030 555; there’s an e.mail form on their website to contact them too. Lots of information, support and understanding for people affected by lung disease.

Counselling can also be of great benefit to people who are suffering with a physical illness and for those close to them, who may be their carers. Whether you are the patient of a carer, it’s rarely easy to get through the dark days and it’s not a weakness to accept that sometimes all of us need help.