Category Archives: Anxiety and Depression

Still Trying To Understand Men?

Before I even start writing, I want to say that I know that this week’s post is gender-specific and if any men are reading it, let me know if there’s a similar post that you’d like to read from a different perspective!

I’m posting about a subject which is dear to a lot of womens’ hearts – how to understand their male partner or even their father, brother or male friends.

So, for women: you may well have dated a guy and thought that things were really going well between you. You seemed to be close but then he stops phoning and texting or even vanishes. It’s often a real shock and most women find it really hard to understand.

There’s a lot of soul-searching when this happens but one of the first things to recognise is that it’s not necessarily about you at all. The thing that might help is to take on board the fact that scientific research shows that there really are some differences between men and womens’ brains and if you want a better understanding of men, you need to take those differences into account. However, you also need to bear in mind that every man is still an individual, tempting though it is to sometimes lump them all together!

We all know women who may not seem particularly attractive or even that interesting but they’re the ones with attractive male partners who seem quite devoted to them….which proves that it’s not necessarily looks that keep a man with a woman. However, the man has to find that particular woman attractive to HIM.

Women sometimes have a list of unspoken criteria for finding a partner and it might run like this:

Don’t mention how attractive another woman is on the first few dates or very often after that either!
Don’t drive too fast and pretend that it’s perfectly safe
Don’t drink five nights out of seven
Do talk to me about me some of the time
Do tell me how you get on with your family (if you don’t get on with them, why not?)
If you have children by another relationship, tell me about them early on (yes, it’s a risk as I might not like it but at least I can make a decision about that)
Don’t ‘like’ other random womens’ photos on social media
Don’t tell me you like doing something when really you don’t – I’ll find out eventually and it’ll be a disappointment
Make sure there’s some romance along the way, even if we’ve been together a long time
Be reliable – if you say you’re going to do something, do it

It appears that a man’s list isn’t usually that long – it’s more along the lines of :

You look good
You’re interesting to talk to
You’re fun to be with

Yes, that’s it! Sounds easy doesn’t it? But there are other considerations too and here are three very important ones:

Men are often able to compartmentalise their emotions whether that’s to do with their job, children, family or anything else going on in their lives. Think about lots of different little boxes in their heads and each box is stored separately from the other boxes. Womens’ brains have boxes too but they all blend into one another so whatever goes on in one box affects all the other boxes too!
It also seems that men are very solution-focused so, on a basic level, if you’re sad or fed-up about something, they will try to find an answer (often practical) whereas really, you’d just like them to listen to you and empathise.
Usually, a man will want to feel that he’s the main person in your life – he wants to be the most important person and doesn’t like it if his position is usurped by others, even his own children sometimes.

So do you feel that you understand men any better now? Maybe not but hopefully this blog has helped you to look at that and realise that you’re not the only one thinking in that way.

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Great Expectations

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The book ‘Great Expectations’ was considered by many to be Dickens’ finest novel, tracing the growth of Pip who changed from a boy with shallow dreams to a man with depth of character. Whether that change for our own personal growth is what most of us hope for depends on what we value in our lives but, certainly, a lot of people have expectations about their lives and how they’d like to live.

For some people, they say that they just want to be happy but what does that actually mean? If being happy means having a large house, a good standard of living, holidays abroad and a happy relationship that may well be attainable, but if it isn’t happening, disappointment can set in.

The expectations that I’ve mentioned are mostly about material things and, providing you have enough money, most of them should be attainable. However, happiness is sometimes elusive and means different things to different people.

‘Success’ is another expectation for a lot of us – in our western society, this usually means a well-paid job/profession and having visible signs that show that your well-paid. We no longer seem to value ‘success’ in the ways that people might have done years ago because we put a lot of emphasis on material things rather than the character a person is and what principles they hold.

Another expectation can be that we believe that the way we treat others will be the way they treat us in return. However, this doesn’t always happen, so if you enter into relationships with people don’t have the same values as you, it may feel as if you’re being taken advantage of or are being short-changed. In this particular case, it’s often better to find people who appreciate you for the person you are. Otherwise, you face the challenge of learning that not everyone wants to do that or thinks in the same way as you. That means accepting people for who they are and lower your expectations of them. Once you recognise that your own expectations won’t change people, the easier life will become. Try to surround yourself with people who accept and love you – that in itself is a route to happiness for a lot of people.

Meanwhile, whatever your expectations are, life sometimes throws a curve ball so try to remain positive even when things seem very hard. Disappointment is one of the hardest things to cope with but, despite many hardships, which may include ill-health, death or redundancy (sometimes all three), a lot of people do manage to remain positive and set themselves small goals to achieve on a regular basis. Goals are important for most of us – it may just be getting through the next hour or the next day, but if we’re struggling with anxiety or depression, that’s a big thing to achieve.

Part of this is also about judging yourself less and recognising that you’re doing your best. You’re allowed to be human and whether it’s about losing weight or gaining extra qualifications, give yourself a pat on the back sometimes to acknowledge what you ARE achieving, rather than what you haven’t yet managed.

So, having expectations isn’t necessarily a bad thing but acceptance of some things which come out of the blue can help enormously when life isn’t going exactly to plan.

If you’ve found this blog interesting, you can follow me by using the ‘follow’ button on your mobile. You can also read my posts on Facebook – look for Same But Different.

Coping When Your Child Leaves for University

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It might be that you were looking forward to your child or children going off to university but maybe the reality is actually very different from how you imagined. In fact, you might be finding it difficult to cope, whether this is your first child leaving (a big change but you might have younger ones at home) or your last child leaving the ‘nest’.

Yes, you thought you were prepared for this from the day they got their A Level results but maybe you were carried along with the need to help them prepare for the big day, buying duvets and cheap pots and pans and helping them in any way possible.

Of course, they’d been growing up and hopefully becoming more independent but the reality of them no longer being in the family home can hit very hard. Yes, everything’s tidier and you’re no longer awake until the early hours listening for them coming home and locking up the front door, but the actual reality of not having them around on a day-to-day basis can really take you by surprise.

Whether they jumped straight in and loved university life from the start or in fact were quite miserable and lonely at first, necessitating nightly phone calls and reassurance from you, you might still have been hit with sadness once they were no longer living with you. Its as if you’re grieving, which you are, and there’s often a real intensity in the loss because it’s a big change to come to terms with, even though you’re happy for them to have this opportunity.

So, how do you cope with this big change in your life?

First of all, accept that it’s natural – you’re human, you love them and it’s a huge change.
Mobile phones are a godsend – they can send you photos and vice-versa plus you can text, even if they don’t always reply.
Try not to be over-involved in their university careers – let them know that you’re they’re if they need you but accept that they’ll sometimes make mistakes. When parents always hover nearby, whether or not they’re actually needed, it doesn’t give their offspring the opportunity to learn how to resolve some situations themselves.
Sometimes, Student Services may be able to help them more than you’re able to and might be a more useful option in some circumstances
Although it’s tempting to encourage them to come home frequently at weekends, a lot of social bonding at university goes on at weekends and coming home a lot means that they’re constantly readjusting to one life or the other.
Of course, there’s a fine balance here as you don’t want them to struggle and not be able to confide in you, but they do need to become more autonomous, otherwise the world of work may seem overwhelming when they reach it on a full-time basis.
Recognise that this is a time for you or, if you have a partner, a time when you can reconnect in a different way now that you can focus on one another again.
Take care of yourself and start putting things in place that help you to rediscover who you are and what you like doing, rather than putting children’s needs first all of the time. Practice mindfulness and make sure that you eat healthily, if you’ve let that lapse at times.
Try to enjoy this time, even though you’ll see less of them – it’s a new phase for everyone and if your child sees that you’re managing well, it will encourage them to do the same.

I hope that you’ve found this blog useful – please comment if you’d like to do so and you can follow me as well, meaning that you’ll get an update each time I write something new.

So You Think An Affair Might Help…..?

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The thought of having an affair, or at least a flirtation, is something that flits through the minds of many people, especially if they’re in long-term relationships. If you’ve never been tempted by someone else, that may be down to luck as much as anything else. It’s easy to be judgmental about someone (maybe even your own partner) who hasn’t been able to resist such temptation, but people are human and, as such, make mistakes that often have devastating consequences.

From my experience as a relationship counsellor, I realised that there are different sorts of affairs:

The “It’s Not Really An Affair, More A Relationship” – this is where one person is available/single but the other one isn’t so the one who’s available really believes that if they are patient, the other person will leave their current partner. The available person will say “This is much more than an affair; it’s a relationship and we want to be together”. A lot of the time, that doesn’t actually happen, even if both parties thought at the beginning that it would. Often, the final decision to leave a partner, perhaps children, a home that you’ve built up together and the security that that brings, proves too much and that person can’t leave after all.
Then there’s the “It’s Only Sex Affair” – this feels very intense and there’s no doubt that some people have a huge physical attraction which they find almost impossible to resist. They feel that it’s almost ‘inevitable’ that they’ll end up having sex and as some people feel sexually alive, only when there’s secrecy and the accompanying nervous excitement, the lust can be overpowering. However, this affair is usually the most short-lived – it’s great at the time, but once the couple realise that on a different level they have very little in common, and in fact irritate one another, that excitement can change almost overnight.
The “I’ll Get Back At You Affair” usually results from someone feeling very resentful and angry towards their usual partner. If you feel ignored or criticised by your partner, or they make you very angry and upset, this sort of affair can seem empowering at the time. However, at some point, most people have to try to deal with their more permanent relationship rather than getting back at their partner in this way.
The “We Haven’t Had Sex Affair” is one that I came across a lot – usually when I saw each one of the couple separately. One partner would tell me that they weren’t really having an affair because sex hadn’t actually taken place. However, texting, meeting for coffee or lunch and not telling your partner about it does mean that you’re in an intimate relationship with someone else, especially if you confide in that person rather than your partner. If you can tell your regular partner what’s going on and not keep any of it secret, fair enough, but if it makes you squirm to think that they might find out, then even if you haven’t had sex, you’ve been unfaithful……maybe you don’t agree, and it’s up for discussion, but it seems that this ‘affair’ is just as damaging as any other, in its own way.
Then there’s the “Keep It In The Family Affair” which happens more frequently than you might think. There’s the closeness of family get-togethers, mutual teasing and a knowledge of your partner’s sister, brother, cousin or parents that can eventually prove intoxicating. In some ways, this sort of affair can be easier to keep secret because there are often opportunities within the family to turn up at the same barbeques, Christmas get-togethers and holidays but the fall-out can be even more devastating than the other affairs because the whole family will be involved in some way. People will inevitably takes sides and the family get-togethers can become a nightmare for all involved.
Lastly, the “Total Mind And Body Affair” which is the most threatening of all, partly because both people feel it’s what they’ve always been looking for in a relationship and will often say that they’ve never felt this way before. This affair is the most likely to threaten an existing partnership and although the couple engaged in this affair are more likely to stay happily together, the consequences are often devastating for the other people in their lives, particularly if there are children involved.

Many different sorts of affairs and there have been many books written about how help your relationship recover if you’ve decided to stay together and work on it.

However, if you’re the one on the brink of an affair, try to stand back for a minute and ask yourself these questions:

Are you feeling unappreciated by your partner and that’s making you angry? If so, even if you’ve tried talking about it together before and nothing’s changed, try talking to a relationship counsellor, even if you have to go on your own. A counsellor won’t try to talk you out of having an affair, but it will give you a chance to air your anger in a confidential setting to someone apart from your partner.
Even if you feel that you’re not the one doing anything wrong in your current relationship, could you try once more to resolve some of the issues? You can’t do it alone, that’s for sure, but ultimately, do you want to give it your best shot or do you want to continue as you are?
Can you remember how you once enjoyed your partner’s company before you got to this stage? Do you remember the fun you once had? See if you can recapture some of that even though there may now be bills, children and/or work stresses.
Ask yourself honestly if you were with the new person you’re thinking of, would it be much different if you had the same stresses in your life that you have now? It’s easy to think that things would be very different when you’re feeling such longing but the realities of work, children, lack of money, elderly parents or lack of self-esteem won’t go away even if you’re with a different person.
Does the new person make you feel better about yourself? This is a difficult one because if they’re shoring up your self-esteem, you probably need to work on yourself and feeling better generally before making a big change in your life.
Lastly, ask yourself what an affair would provide for you. If it’s affection, better sex, more fun or companionship, try to think of ways that you might rediscover that with your existing partner.

Hopefully, some of the above points will help you look at the issues with more objectivity (if that’s possible!) and you’ll be able to make a decision that’s right for you in the long-term, whichever way it goes.

Are You In Constant Conflict With Your Partner?

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Okay, so it’s normal for couples to have disagreements and rows from time to time but when you’re in constant conflict with one another, it’s time to rethink.

People often learn poor conflict resolution skills when they’re growing up, either from their parents or extended family. If you come from a family that typically sulks and holds grudges, you don’t always learn that it doesn’t have to come to that. If you grow up with people who respect each other, engage in healthy discussions and don’t avoid talking about important issues, you learn that things can be resolved before they become too serious.

People in successful relationships often have the ability to solve problems and then let it go. Rather than attacking the other person with words or withholding affection, they let some of the smaller stuff go and stop dwelling on it. This isn’t easy to do, as I know from a personal perspective!

I’ve found that the key is to accept the other person/people as they are rather than trying to change them. ‘Forgive and forget’ is a key element here. Laughter and humour help too – if you can see the absurdity in some situations, it helps a lot.

In my last blog, I wrote about how financial conflicts affect couples but other common clashes are around sex and children. I saw a lot of these issues played out in the counselling room when I worked as a private therapist as I encouraged couples to use their sessions with me to look at these issues from the other person’s point of view. There had to be give and take on both sides and this involved couples doing homework outside of the sessions.

If you feel that you can’t afford counselling or manage to get to sessions, think about the following:

Value each other’s perspective even if you don’t agree with them. It’s worth really considering what your partner’s saying and working on how you can find a compromise.
Let the little things go – ask yourself how much it really matters and try to let go, breathe and move onto more important things.
Keep it fair – don’t insult, curse or name-call. Also, don’t bring up everything they’ve ever done wrong in the past as your partner will just end up feeling attacked and as if they can never do anything right.
Be clear about what you want (which is different from what you need!). Ask for what you want and be clear – rather than saying “I wish you weren’t always late”, try “next time we’re going out for a meal and you think you might not be able to make it on time, I’d like it if you could call or text me to let me know at least a quarter of an hour beforehand”.
Tell each other what you do like about the other one rather than always complaining about what you don’t like.
Deal with any conflict as quickly as you can – if things are just left, they often grow bigger. Better that they’re repaired as soon as possible rather than fester until they get out of proportion.

Good luck with the above – none of these are easy, but they might make all the difference to your relationship.