Wishing everyone a happy and peaceful Christmas and hoping that 2019 will be a great year for all of you. Although I’ve finished face-to-face counselling now, my thoughts are with a lot of my previous clients who I admired greatly as so many of them were grappling with difficult issues – I hope that things are now going well for each one of you.
Jean-Paul Sartre said that “commitment is an act, not a word” and that sums it up pretty well but what does that mean for you and your partner?
Look at some of the points below and think about how they play out in your own relationship:
Has anyone ever pointed out to you that your behaviour is ‘self-defeating’? If so, you may have been surprised by their remark and wondered what they meant. Well, if that’s you, it means that you probably repeat the same behaviours again and again, even though they’ve rarely, if ever, worked for you before.
Of course, there are always some difficulties to grapple with and we most of us make some decisions that we later regret – that’s what being human is about. But any sort of behaviour that sabotages what you really want, or takes you away from your goals, is self-defeating.
The following are some of those self-defeating behaviour patterns:
So why does this happen and why do we continue these repetitive cycles? Quite often, some of these are learned behaviours and we haven’t realised that we often default to them why things are hard. The thing to aim for is breaking these cycles and replace them with positive coping strategies and one way of doing this is with the help of a therapist as you can look at the behaviours that you can change. By identifying them, you can take the first step to making changes.
Here are some ways that you can begin to change these self-defeating behaviours:
When I was counselling, I used a visual aid that a client had previously made for me to demonstrate how easy it is to get caught up in always pursuing the same path. I called it my ‘rocky road’ because every time a client reacted in the old way, it was like pursuing a grey concrete road which always led to a square concrete box with no windows. The box was grim but in some awful way it was also ‘safe’ as the client knew how it felt, how he/she might get out of the box and how life might go on as usual, even though it was pretty unsatisfactory. To overcome this, there was another road to one side and if the client wished to pursue that road instead, we’d look at how there would usually be a deterrent of some kind. On the visual aid, it was like thunder and rain with potholes in the road, which signified the way most of us are put off making changes as it’s often harder than going on in the same old way. However, most people wanted to get onto a new path, however difficult it might be – there was no point in coming to counselling and psychotherapy if someone wasn’t prepared to make changes. To illustrate this, I would point out that there were challenges along this new, rocky road but if a client could stick with it a little longer, it would be worth it. On the visual aid, towards the end of the new ‘road’, there was sunshine, greenery and lots of friends to greet us.
This appealed to a lot of clients as sometimes it’s easier to see things drawn or written on paper than it is to read about them. The main theme was about change, how we can bring it about and the difficulties that we might encounter doing so.
If you feel that some of your behaviour is self-defeating, try a new ‘road’ and see how you might benefit from this and ultimately be a lot happier.
Things are slowly changing in our society regarding gay and bi-sexual relationships but for a lot of people it’s still a massive issue to ‘come out’ to their family and maybe their friends too. However much we congratulate ourselves on being open and accepting, there are still many people who believe that being gay or bi-sexual is ‘wrong’ and who also think that it’s actually a life choice.
Years ago, when sexual acts between two men was still illegal (yes, that was the case in the UK until 1967 when the Sexual Offences Act of Parliament decriminalised homosexual acts in private between two men!), it was almost impossible for any gay person to be open about their sexual preferences as there was a chance that, for men, they could go to prison. It seems almost impossible now but for many men and women, they had to repress their feelings all of their lives, not least because they might have brought ‘shame’ to their families and be ostracised by the society in which they lived.
For many older men and women, some repressed their feelings or didn’t realise their true sexuality until they fell in love with another man or woman. However, it may not be the case that women who come out in later life have always been repressed lesbians as sexuality can change as we age. This was, and still is, very confusing for a lot of men and women, especially those who have been married to a member of the opposite sex and had children with them. For their partners and families too, it’s not always an easy transition to make, when someone realises where their true sexual feelings lie. The other person can end up feeling ‘cheated’.
Children and teenagers, the latter of whom are just discovering their own sexuality, may become judgmental whilst feeling very vulnerable about the future and how a parent’s ‘coming out’ will affect them. It can take years to come to terms with the reality and, as with any loss, there will be denial and disbelief before there’s a gradual acceptance.
If you’re still undecided about your sexuality, whatever your age, don’t despair. Seeking out advice before telling other people, and talking it all through to an independent person can help a lot. The LGBT Foundation can help you – phone 0345 330 3030 or contact a counsellor privately for some face-to-face sessions.
Repressing how you feel and not being able to be true to yourself if one of the hardest ways for a human being to live and if you’re not able to express your true feelings, it’s not healthy either psychologically or emotionally.
Take heart though, you will get through this difficult time and look towards a brighter future. If someone in your family has confided in you that they’re gay, try to be understanding and not judgmental – they are still the same person with the same positive traits and they didn’t choose to be different. This really sums up the name of my website, Same But Different, because you or a loved one look the same but in some ways you/they are different – and that’s OK!
This week’s blog has been written by a guest blogger, Karen Weeks of ElderWellness.net and although it’s primarily aimed at an older age-group, a lot of the tips and advice are helpful, whatever your age, and you’ll find that some of them are very relevant, even if you’re in your twenties.
Have you been taking care of yourself as you have grown older? Many older adults gradually stop their usual exercise routines, social interactions and daily cooking, opting for less expensive, more sedentary options. However, it is important all of us, whatever our age, to continue keeping our bodies in tiptop shape. Not only will remaining mentally and physically active help protect you from falls and other dangers, they will help you feel more alert and invigorated each day. From exercises to puzzles to weekly gatherings, here are some ways you can age in the healthiest manner possible.
Eat healthy meals
If you aren’t eating a set of healthy meals each day, you may be doing yourself a disservice. The nutrients provided by regular nutritious meals help keep your bones and muscles strong. Certain foods such as dark-coloured vegetables and leafy greens help increase the amount of oxygen in the blood, enhancing both your reaction times and mental alertness. Also, a healthy meal can help provide you with the energy you need to get through the day. Thanks to recent technology, you don’t have to worry about going to the grocery store and laboriously preparing a meal every time you get hungry. If you enjoy going to the grocery store but often get sidetracked by processed foods, smartphone apps can help you create meal plans or grocery lists and then stick to them when it is time to fill your shopping cart.
Depending on where you live, you can even have your groceries prepared and loaded into your car for you without requiring you to even remove your seat belt. You can even sign up for a meal delivery service, which delivers groceries, complete with nutritious, tasty recipes and cooking instructions, directly to your door. Finally, if you don’t feel like cooking at all, you can try out one of the many services that deliver a fully prepared meal to you at a predetermined time.
Engage in your community through exercise and hobbies
One of the easiest ways to keep your body strong is to exercise regularly. If you’re like many seniors, you may believe that most exercises are too strenuous and can lead to injury. While it is true that you should be careful in what exercises you choose to try, there are many different fun options that can get your heart rate up without causing pain. Possibly the simplest workout routine is going on a brisk walk for half an hour. Not only will that help you get your blood pumping, it will also give you an opportunity to explore your town.
If you enjoy the community aspect of working out, many gyms, recreation centers, and senior centers offer classes specifically tailored for seniors. Depending on your location’s offerings, you can take part in such varied classes as water aerobics, gentle yoga, and more. These classes can also provide the critical social component, which is often lost as people get older. It is, however, very important to maintain a social life. A sense of community and belonging is a core part of your overall mental health, so you should try to spend time with your friends whenever you can.
If you don’t enjoy group classes, there are many other ways you can engage in your community – try joining a book club or something else designed around your hobbies. Your local community centre will have many different options for you to choose from.
Keep your mind stimulated
Finally, it’s also necessary for you to keep your mind healthy and stimulated. Even if you no longer work, your mind requires engagement in order for you to remain sharp and alert. Research shows that seniors who read or do puzzles are less at a risk of developing dementia and other memory-related issues. You can find plenty of puzzles or books online to suit your tastes, or you can always get them out of your favourite magazine.
Remember, getting older doesn’t mean you have to become sedentary. Embrace your golden years by becoming even more physically fit and mentally active.
Same But Different. 